Do you trust your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife?
@sarahkskeeters (235)
United States
April 4, 2007 11:37am CST
I mean REALLy trust them. 100%?? I just can't seem to trust my husband 100%, even though he hasn't really done anything to show me he can't be trusted. And I try to "check up" on him, but sometimes he finds out, and then he gets angry with me. I'm afraid that my trust issues are going to sabotage our marriage. The problem started when I found out he had a MySpace page that I didn't know about. I found out the password and signed in as him to see who he was talking to, but didn't really find anything too bad, but it started to eat away at me anyway. The fact that he was talking to other women (even though it was completely harmless) without telling me. Then he found out what I was doing (I told him) and he changed all his passwords, including his e-mail password, so I couldn't see what he was doing. Was I wrong to do it?? He knows all of my passwords and I don't care if he wants to see who I'm talking to or what I'm looking at. The fact that he wont let me see makes me distrustful, even though I KNOW he's faithful and a good guy. So why can't I get over this?? Don't you think that in a marriage there should be full disclosure or is it okay not to share everything with each other???
4 people like this
32 responses
@jjwatson28 (572)
• United States
4 Apr 07
I think what you did was wrong. but he too was wrong in changing his pws. I think if theres nothing to hide you should be able to look. Get a myspace page and add him as a friend . then you can see who he talks to all the time. Trust is the number one thing in a relationship. Sometimes you just need to let it go.
4 people like this
@jjwatson28 (572)
• United States
4 Apr 07
By the way i totaly trust my husband of 10yrs .
4 people like this
@darthboard (229)
• Philippines
5 Apr 07
Why don't you sit down, do an assesment of yourself and ask why you don't trust your husband. It will help if you will list down all the reasons. Is your husband not telling you about his MySpace account enough not to trust him anymore?
You situation is complicated. You can't go on this way. It's either you trust him or you don't trust. There's no such thing as 100% trust. Having a MySpace account does not mean that your husband may cheat or is cheating on you (i think, that's how you felt}. It's like you are spying on him when he's not doing anything that will harm your marriage. If this will go on, sooner or later anger and bitterness will sink both in you, it will be hard as rock to go back.
I suggest you sit down and talk to him. Clear the misunderstanding, ask forgiveness and make arrangements. Try to work things out. Trust is very important in marriage.
Remember:
...love does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endure all things.
2 people like this
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
6 Apr 07
Thank you so much for responding. I agree with everything you said but, as irrational as it is, I can't help but feel this way and I want him to prove to me that there is nothing to fear. You're absolutely right though, we can't go on like this. You're the first person to suggest that I ask his forgiveness and go from there. Maybe if I let him know that I wish I had handled things differently than he'll be more open to working on this with me. I want to work together with him on this! He needs to know that. Thank you for your input and your suggestions.
@ellanick (191)
• Philippines
5 Apr 07
i feel the same way as you do. i trust my husband but i cannot say that i truly trust him 100% although hes a very honest person but lately one of his ex sent a msg to him altho its only a casual thing but the fact that he didnt tell me and accidentally open his celphone and found the msg, it bothered me a lot. i know that in a marriage life, trust is the main foundation. but as a woman i think that we are all very sensitive on how our partner spent their day or who they talked to when we are not around. as a wife we always try to "check" our husband once in a while just for our curiosity but i learned that we cannot do it everytime, we must let go of our husband do their thing as along as they dont do "monkey business". personally, i think that even if you already married, you should not share some personal thing. keep some for yourself.
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
6 Apr 07
Yes, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. I'm not trying to say that my husband is doing anything wrong, I just want to know what it IS he's doing and who he's talking to.
@gharinder (2044)
• India
5 Apr 07
well my husband only has his mail account and i admit i know his password and he knows mine. if i talk about myself i am the person who talks more on net, but i always tell him about my friends, and i am glad he trust me and i too trust him. so i think that either your husband fears that you might misunderstand him or their might be some fishy, because hiding or disclosing some facts from your life partner is not worth anything.
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
6 Apr 07
I think that he thinks that I want him to stop what he's doing alltogether and not talk to these people, which is not the case. It's not that I think he's doing anything WRONG, I just need to feel like I have some control over the situation (even if I don't, LOL) and I'm not out of the loop. Does that make any sense??
@raj101359 (54)
• India
5 Apr 07
Hi, let me ask you a question, would you disclose every secrets you have to your partner?No, certainly not. Everything has got limitations.Does that mean you are not trustworthy? No.We have to adjust a lot in our life.Your partner do not care for what you are upto in the net.He do not want to interfere in your personal matters, as he thinks you are trustworthy.Why cant you follow his ways?
2 people like this
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
6 Apr 07
Well, if that were true than everything would make a little more sense but he DOES care who I talk to and what I do on the net. He DOES interfere in my personal matters. But the difference is I don't care and am happy to share these details. In fact, I like it that he cares. I don't want him to stop doing whatever it is that he's doing. I just want him to share it with me so I am aware of it. I don't have to like everything he does, I just want to know what it is he's doing.
@jyot_83 (46)
• India
5 Apr 07
I trust my husband 100%. We know each other for so long that now it does not bother me even if he is looking at other women. Its human to admire everything beautiful. Why bother abkout smaall issues. The only thing that concerns me is that i should be the most important person in his life. I should be knowing each and every thing about life. I sometimes think that i will not eveen bother if he goes out on a date with someone. The only thing i am concerned is that I should be knowing about it. And ofcouse the affair should be only a timepass. I dont know. May be i am too open minded. And this does not mean that i , myself is having an affair with someone and that is why i am ready to give so much of freedom to my hubby. I am not nor am planning to in near future.
2 people like this
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
6 Apr 07
I know that in time our relationship will solidify and things like that wont bother me anymore but I'm still young and insecure and I need some reassurance that I'm the most important person in his life and he loves me and finds me attractive and doesn't want anyone else. That's what I'm looking for.
@mgmagana (3618)
• United States
5 Apr 07
well i don't trust my husband 100%, he's never been unfaithful, but he has done things that have given me reason enough to lose some trust. I know that people say a relationship should be 100% trust but i know that in reality it's not true. I bet most relationships in this world are not based on trust. As long as u work on ur relationship i'm sure u guys will be okay.
2 people like this
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
6 Apr 07
I think so too, and I also believe that if we work on our relationship everything will be okay, but I am just so sick of being consumed by insecurity and self-doubt! It's ridiculous, I know, and I'm not a teenager anymore, but I just need him to be a little more sensitive. I know that he can't "fix" me, but he can help me get past this.
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
5 Apr 07
One point I've not seen addressed here, is that oftentimes conscious or subconscious, a person will become that we suspect him or her of being--your mistrust can lead to the very kind of activity you fear. And I find it hard to believe the number of people here who insist everything has to be disclosed. Every is entitled to some privacy--sometimes that means talking to friends about the relationship, or for a guy talking to other guys about guys stuff, just as ladies need to engage in girl talk every now and then. A relationship of this intensity, let alone a marriage should have trust--or why did you get married in the first place. I, personally, believe in a "no shame" and "no secrets" philosophy. I find it to be psychologically and morally more healthy that way. But every needs space, their own time, their own leisure, etc.
@Erinlpx (179)
• United States
5 Apr 07
I agree with pretty much everything that you've said and pointed out here. My husband doesn't know my email password. Not because I refuse to tell him. Not because I'm hiding anything. He's just never asked me for it. We both leave our computers on pretty much all the time. He's never once tried to look at my emails, nor have I tried to look at his.
I trust him. I don't go through his closet or dresser, I don't snoop at his stuff. I trust him. I respect his right to privacy, and he respects mine.
It doesn't mean we're keeping things from each other - it just means that we both recognize that combining your entire life with someone else's is hard, so we give each other a little breathing room.
2 people like this
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
4 Apr 07
i completely know how you feel. in my opinion if hes talking to other girls and not telling you then you have a reason to be upset. if it were completely innocent then he shouldn't have had to hide it from you. and he shouldn't have changed all his passwords. I think everyone has trust issues in their marriage at some point but him hiding things from you is really making it worse. and what starts out as something innocent could turn into something not so innocent. i think full disclosure is the way to go in a marriage. that way the trust is truly there.
2 people like this
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
5 Apr 07
YES!!! Thank you! I wouldn't mind if he were talking to others girls (well, I wouldn't mind as much, I should say) as long as he was open and honest about it! I just want to know what's going on so my imagination doesn't start running wild and I don't have to come up with my own conclusions.
1 person likes this
@flagbabygirl (891)
• United States
5 Apr 07
Sometimes it depends on your age! I swear When I was younger I had no trust in my spouse now I realize that no,atter what I do I have to trust him. He will do what he wills and I cannot stop that I can however Trust completley in him until he gives me a reason not too! Ya know? I just hope that he always does the right thing like I know he will!
2 people like this
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
6 Apr 07
I'm sure that you're right and with time I will get past all this foolishness, but for right now I'm hurting, and I just wish he cared about that and was willing to do this one simple thing to make it stop.
@paulsy (1263)
• Philippines
4 Apr 07
yes, I strongly believe that in ANY relationship, there should be full disclosure. because if there is nothing to hide, then there is no reason to keep passwords. my fiance and I are completely transparent to each other. I have never asked for passwords from him, in respect for his privacy. but he orders me to check his emails for him and sometimes even gets a little irritated when i ask him over and over again the exact numbers on his password whenever he asks me to open his emails. What is important in my relationship is trust. And it all starts within myself. The fact that we decided to start this relationship means that we love each other and are happy and content with one another. Hence there should be no reason for either one of us to search for happiness elsewhere. I do all i can to keep my man happy and content, and therefore I trust him and believe he will not be unfaithful to me.
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
5 Apr 07
That is how I want OUR relationship to be! It sounds like you and your fiance are well on your way to a very happy, healthy life together. Congratulations and best of luck to you both.
1 person likes this
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
5 Apr 07
Honestly, I do think you were wrong in trying to check up on him, especially when he's given you no reason to. He's changed his passwords in retaliation for that and that's something that you'll have to handle.
On the other hand, the fact that he didn't tell you about his MySpace page was wrong. He should have at least been honest about that, but maybe he didn't see it as anything wrong.
I trust my partner 100%. We both know we have no secrets and we both know each others passwords for our email accounts, for our instant messaging accounts and even for his online bank account. it's not that we WANT to know, it's just that we trust each other and don't feel the need to hide anything.
I don't think you NEED to share every last little thing in a marriage. It depends on what one person might consider as okay to keep secret or not. Secrets if kept can sometimes destroy a marriage, hence why I prefer to have everything open and honest.
2 people like this
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
6 Apr 07
I respect your opinion and appreciate your comments, so thank you for responding. I do agree that it was wrong to sneak around behind his back, but I also believe that what he did was wrong too. Two wrongs don't make a right, but I just want to know what's going on! I want to know that I have nothing to worry about. I want him to show me that everything is fine and I'm overreacting! I'm sure that's the case but I just need a little reassurance. Instead of opening up to me and proving that I really am being silly, he's become more secretive by changing all his passwords, which only makes the situation worse.
@4cuteboys (4099)
• United States
4 Apr 07
I think trusting anyone 100% is very hard. My husband has been a good boy for the most part, but even when there are silly slip ups on his part, it sets my trust back just a wee bit. I dont really think what you did was wrong, honestly I would do it. And I wouldnt care if he logged into any of my accounts and checked stuff out, because I have nothing to hide and if it made him feel better to look then that's fine with me. I totally think there needs to be full disclosure in marriage. I would feel slighted if he even unintentionally "hid" stuff from me, but that's just me.
I think he was wrong to change the passwords too. Maybe he just got irritated and changed them, but that was still wrong and almost makes him look guilty for rushing around to change passwords to keep you out.
2 people like this
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
6 Apr 07
Thank you for responding. Even if what I did wasn't the right thing to do (I'm not saying that it was or wasn't), it's good knowing that there are others out there who understand how I feel and why I did it. I feel the same way you do and wish that he could understand where I'm coming from and see my point of view. He probably did just change his passwords because he was irritated with me but you're right, the fact that he changed them does make him look guilty, and it made me start to wonder. Before he locked me out of everything, I didn't actually believe that there was anything going on that I should worry about. Now I can't help but wonder, even though I know what kind of guy he is (a faithful one). I've told him that he's more than welcome to check my stuff out if he wants. To me, that proves that he can trust me. The fact that he wont let me do the same REALLY bothers me! It's eating me up inside!!
@shubham143 (14)
• India
4 Apr 07
i think what you did was absolutely wrong.the trust is the backbone of any relationship.Whatever you have done,u were just trying to investigate him,that would simply irritate anyone and i think u must appologise to your husband!!!!!
AND FOR GOD SAKE TRUST HIM
2 people like this
@sarahkskeeters (235)
• United States
5 Apr 07
Easier said than done, but thank you for your response.
1 person likes this
@itkasp (266)
• Australia
5 Apr 07
I am sorry, but I think what you did is wrong.
Trust is the foundation in a relationship.
My husband and I trust each other. We share our email and sms, but I still respect his privacy.
May be your husband change his password, not because he is keeping secret from you, but to protect his privacy.
2 people like this
@kayrod2 (1304)
• Australia
5 Apr 07
well, i trust my hubby 100%. We have been married nearly 13 years. of course we have our ups and downs, like any marriage. unfortunately we both had previous marriages that didnt work out due to partners cheating, but i think that has made our marriage stronger. i dont think you were right checking on him. people need there space even in a marriage. i know we dont share every little detail of our lives, but we dont lie to each other, and discuss most things. i wouldnt expect him to have to tell me everything he gets up to neither would he of me. but if he asks me about something i would tell him. i think everyone needs some privacy. i dont check out things he does on his computer, but if i walk in the room he doesnt try to hide what he doing and i dont either.
i hope you learn to trust your hubby more than you do. i think talking openly to him will help. best of luck
@kadir_kindman (20)
• Indonesia
5 Apr 07
We may not trust another people for 100 %, we should consider that of course every body have privacy. however sometimes anybody don't tell anything or it can't be shared as secret. So as the solution we must appreciate another people with not give them trust for 100 % may be we can give tolerate for fifty-fifty. So ourselves will be not be disapointed
2 people like this
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
5 Apr 07
First let me say that I do trust my boyfriend 100%, also there is an old saying that goes something like....if you get accused enough, then why not do it? We both have email accounts, and I have myspace accts, if he asked to look at them I wouldn't object, however, I trust him and vice versa, so there is no reason for me to need his passwords. I also know that he works in a profession where a lot of em cheat on their spouses, but I also know his take on that subject. I think ( and it's just one persons opinion) that you should look inside to see why you feel this way, you stated that he is a faithful and good guy, those are hard to find, I know was married 3 times before finding one!
