Are Fathers More Protective Towards Their Daughter's Than Their Son's??
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
April 4, 2007 11:04pm CST
I have a 17 year old daughter and her father is very protective towards her now she has a boyfriend.
We allow her boyfriend to stay over, but the other night she overstepped the boundaries in her father's eyes because her boyfriend sat in the bathroom with her while she had a bath.
I admit I was unaware of this until her father came and told me that I needed to have a word with her as this behaviour was unacceptable to him.
I explained to my daughter that what she had done was wrong, but her father feels her boyfriend has disrespected him and he no longer wants the boyfriend near our home unless he apologises for his actions. He is also very angry with our daughter.
My daughter explained to me that nothing went on, her boyfriend was only sitting in the bathroom with her. However, this has made her father very angry. I on the other hand feel that I have told her how I feel and that she will respect this and not do it again.
But her father cannot understnd why I am not as angry as he is.
Why is this?
Are fathers more reluctant to acknowledge that their little girls are growing up or am I too easy going on the situation.
I need some advice as this is all so new to me.
8 people like this
25 responses
@jeweledbluerose (3061)
• United States
5 Apr 07
By the time I was a teenager, my parents had already seperated, so never really got the chance to have a father figure in my life expect when I was really young. But my mom always allowed me to have my boyfriends stay over and we got to sleep in the same bed as long as the door to my room stayed open and we weren't allowed to be behind closed doors at all (well except the front door, but I am sure you know what I am talking about.)
Firstly I do agree with your husband that your daughter's boyfriend shouldn't have been in the bathroom while your daughter was taking a bath. Even if nothing went on, he don't need to be seeing her naked at all, and he should have been more respectful, especially since he was in your house. And the boyfriend should apologize for over stepping boundaries, to make things right with your husband.
I feel that father's are just looking out for their daughter's best interests. Them being males themselves know how the male species can sometimes be. Plus I think it's something that comes with having children. He helped create that life and will do just about anything to protect it all he can. Even after they have grown and have left the nest.
@jeweledbluerose (3061)
• United States
5 Apr 07
Yeah it can be a pain in the backside when dealing with two strong minded individuals, but I am sure if the boyfriend has any sort of moral code to him, that he will have that talk with your husband to set things right again between the two of them. Whatever happens I wish you all the best, and hope this matter gets resolved soon.
2 people like this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
5 Apr 07
Thanks for your advice. I am going to tell my daughter she needs to speak to her boyfriend to help resolve this. Its like men have their own secret moral code when it comes to how their daughters should be treated.
Cheers!!
1 person likes this
@CinnamorollTK (263)
• United States
5 Apr 07
I believe men are more likely to guard their daughters. They may remember their past where all they wanted to do was "boink" a girl. Then they think that all guys are like that (perhaps since their friends were) and so they guard their daughters. They also may see sons as men and think they can defend themselves easily.
2 people like this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
5 Apr 07
I am sure this is part of why he is so annoyed. However, fathers need to let their daughters grow up!!
Thanks
@lonewolfnan (4366)
• Canada
5 Apr 07
I think you might have hit the nail right on the head.Perhaps also the father does not trust the boy as he thinks back when he was that age.What I find interesting is that the lad was allowed by the girl to be in the bathroom with her while she had her bath.To me,this means they are quite comfortable with each other and the father may have to accept that his daughter has grown up.It sounds like the two of you did a wonderful job in her upbringing and now is the time for her to use what you have taught in her own life.Good luck with the father;he is afraid he is losing his daughter AND his youth.
2 people like this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
5 Apr 07
I did say this to him and had to remind him what he got up to at this age!!
Thanks for the vote of confidence, I was beginning to question whether I have been to lenient by allowing her boyfriend to stay, but as I said earlier, at 17 I feel she is mature enough to have a boyfriend. I have been very open with her about her relationship and I hoped that she would respect our views on what is and isn't acceptable while he stays under our roof.
I do agree with you that it is a father thing and I did explain this to my daughter, when she was angry with her fathers reaction to the situation. I hope I can discuss this rationally with him as he is really angry at the moment.
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I appreciate your comments!!
1 person likes this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
5 Apr 07
This is the best approach, but her father just cannot control his emotions and it always ends in an argument with me being blamed for being to lenient. I'm not though, I am just more rational!
Thanks.
1 person likes this
@cutiedhes (507)
• Philippines
5 Apr 07
I think both parties have some mistakes, I mean that your daughter had really done something which is really wrong but I also think that her father just misunderstood the situation although I understand how he feels because they say that a daughter is more close to his father and that he is over protective to his daughter maybe because she is a girl and mostly a child who is a girl is a treasure gift to their parents. But I think his father should also realize that her daughter is no longer a baby but an elegant lady and if he loves her daughter that much he should support and be happy for her. And lastly he should trust her whole heartedly because I know that he knows her daughter very well so he should not be doubting of the actions her daughter is doing. Just give his trust on her and everything will be fine.
2 people like this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
5 Apr 07
Our daughter has always been very up front and straight with us both. I agree that he should respect her truth and not doubt her actions.
1 person likes this
@Stiletto (4579)
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5 Apr 07
I think the scary thing for fathers is that they know how mens minds work don't they? Particularly teenage boys minds!
I think what they did was no big deal really but I can understand why her father would be upset about it. It was probably overstepping the boundaries but I doubt if either of them meant to be disrespectful - they probably just didn't think about what they were doing. Lol - when you're 17 you tend not to think too much about things!
I think you're approach to it is right - it's your house and they have to remember to respect that and behave appropriately. You've spoken with her about it and now she knows the score. I think holding out for an apology from her boyfriend is a little excessive - not to mention the fact that I would imagine the apology itself would probably be a little embarassing for all concerned!!
It is difficult for parents (mothers included) to acknowledge that their "babies" are really NOT babies anymore. My daughter is 26 with a baby of her own and I still speak to her as if she were a child (so she frequently tells me anyway) and deep down I don't think I ever really will see her as an adult no matter how old she is.
1 person likes this
@Stiletto (4579)
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5 Apr 07
Oh being a granny is just the BEST!! I absolutely love it and I was dreading it too! Of course the thing about becoming a parent when you're young is that you're likely to become a grandparent when you're relatively young as well and the idea of being a granny at 45 just didn't fit with my self-image if you know what I mean. It's just the best fun though - it's all the great bits that you get as a parent minus the worry and responsibility plus she's also gorgeous! I highly recommend it!
1 person likes this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
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6 Apr 07
My daughter will be 23 by the time I am 45. I hope it doesn't come before then, but you never know these days!!
Glamorous Granny competitions will now be open for you to take part!!!
Its good to hear you are enjoying being a granny. I know my mum has loved being one and she is such a great role model in my kids lives. I wish you many, many years of fun!!!
Cheers!!
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
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5 Apr 07
Thanks Stiletto, you have such logic and as I was reading your response it did make me think how an apology may be a wee bit embarrassing.
I was better at dealing with this than her father, but was accused of not caring as much, which is not true.
I am nearly 40 and my mum still thinks I am her baby sometimes too!!!LOL
It must be great being a grandmother Stiletto, all the fun without so much responsibility!!
Thanks for your wise words!!!
1 person likes this
@linda345 (2661)
• Canada
6 Apr 07
I think fathers are more over protective of their daughters than their sons. I can remember when I joined the military and I would come home on leave. I would go out with my younger brother and friends and my Dad would make him bring me home and my brother would get to go back out. I personally don't think I would allow my daughter to have a bath with her boyfriend in the room with her. My daughter is only 16 but I can't see it happening even at 17. My 20 year old lives with me, I wouldn't get too upset if her boyfriend went in and talked too her while she was bathing. He has stayed over before.
1 person likes this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
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6 Apr 07
It is hard to know what to do for the best someimes and as parents we often have to learn by our mistakes.
I was 18 when my mum let me have my boyfriend stay over and I had a father who didn't really care about me, so I am now finding out what a fathers reactions can be like when he does care for his daughter.
Thanks for your view on this!!
@mommyaiai (295)
• United States
5 Apr 07
Father's is really protective towards their daughter especially coz your daughter still 17.I remember my father when i'm still single,he don't want me to have a boyfriend while studying.If he found out that i have a boyfriend he won't send me again to school.I think father is really like that.They just want their daughter to be safe.My mom is different she don't care about that as long as you did not do the marriage thing.That guy has no respect at all,why did he sit their in the bathroom with your daughter,that's not good.He should respect your daughter and you too.He sounds like no respect at all.
1 person likes this
@pondadog (101)
• United States
5 Apr 07
OK...ITAS...Here is what is going on with Daddy..
He is probably overprotective in regards to his daughter's
relationship with boys because.....Drumroll, Please.......
He remembers or knows what teenage boys are like with raging hormones..he was one once ....and knows all too well the lengths a boy will go to to get in a girl's panties...he knows
its gonna happen, just doesn't want to acknowledge it...the games that can be played on naive teenage girls that think they are "in love" are just too numerous. He is just remembering what a cad he was and knows that someone out there has his little girl's number...Daddy just doesn't want it to happen on his watch...and if he is letting boyfriend stay over...trust me...it has probably already happened...are you there every waking moment they are there together playing house? Of course not.......Welcome to reality!!!!
1 person likes this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
5 Apr 07
Well said pondadog. I like your style of expression. At 17 years old reality has to set in, its not to young, and I am fully aware there has been more going on than just small talk. Its hard to say goodbye to my little girl, but its inevitable!!
Thanks for your thoughts on the matter, a good read it was !!
@sunup13 (420)
• Canada
6 Apr 07
Definitely, my daughter's father has already laid down the rules, no dating until she's 30, lol. No guys with sports cars, motorcycles or facial hair! She is only 5 months old and already daddy's little girl. I can just imagine what he will be like when she gets to be your daughter's age.
Kids will get away with whatever you let them. I do think that what your daughter did was very wrong, but I don't think it was all the boyfriend's fault. Your husband knows how boys act and think and just wants to keep his baby safe, but he wouldn't have been in there with her if she didn't agree. Your husband does feel threatened by the boyfriend, he used to be the only man in her life and now some boy is taking his place. I would try and get him to compromise, by making your daughter wait awhile before taking her boyfriend home again. I know it will be hard but just let him know you are upset and why you feel you are not as upset as he is/ why you think he is so upset. Men get over things quicker than we do, don't worry about it!
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
6 Apr 07
Very funny!!LOL
Good luck with your daughter, fathers are so protective!!!!
You speak wise words and I hope that her father will see things more logically very soon. He is so emotional sometimes, and this does get in the way of him thinking rationally until a couple of days later!!
Cheers!
1 person likes this
@EvanHunter (4026)
• United States
6 Apr 07
If you think kids will mind you just because you say so than you have forgotten what its like to be "young and in love". I cant say I would ever be lettign my daughters boyfriends stay over. I know she is 17 and soon to be an adult but reguardless if you dont set rules and have them listen than you heading for alot of problems. In my opinion if she was 18 than yes she still has to respect your opinion cause its your guys house. There is an old saying when you have a son you only have to worry about one boy but when you have a daughter you have to worry about every boy in the neighborhood. But of course thats my opinion being the father of girls myslef.
1 person likes this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
6 Apr 07
Its interesting to hear a fathers view on this.
It was a year before we allowed him to stay and up until now they have respected our rules. Maybe it was all innocent, but something her father thought was pushing the boundaries too far.
Thanks
@sweeetkisses2 (269)
• United States
6 Apr 07
fathers do get way to protective over there daughters,but sooner or later he needs to know she is bout to be 18 he needs to ease up some,i know what she did was wrong towards him so she does probly know now that she dont need to do it again so i really think he should ease up some.
1 person likes this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
6 Apr 07
Thanks for your wise words. She has learnt by her mistakes hopefully and we can all learn from this.
Cheers!!
@Luciea (80)
• Canada
5 Apr 07
I think it depends on the individual. My father was very protective of me when I grew up but my mother was even more so. Even now, my mother refuses to acknowledge the fact that I'm almost an adult.
I think your daughter stepped over the line in this situation. However, since you've already had a chat with her, I don't see why your husband would still be upset. I believe that he does feel reluctant about the fact your daughter is growing up.
In my opinion, it'd be a good idea for your daughter's boyfriend to apologize. This in turn would show your husband that he is a responsible young man.
1 person likes this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
5 Apr 07
I agree with you. You have explained this situation well and I hope it will be resolved soon.
Thanks for your wise words!!
@cloudwatcher (6861)
• Australia
5 Apr 07
I see no difference between sharing a bed and sharing a bathroom. IF sharing a bed is accepted, then sharing a bathroom is nothing.
I know my ideas are considered old fashioned these days, and I am not trying to impose them on others. Everyone is entitled to set their own standards, but personally, I would not allow them to share a bed in my home. I would see this as condoning an action which I believe is wrong, and therefore giving approval.
@cloudwatcher (6861)
• Australia
5 Apr 07
PS I've realised that I didn't answer your question.
Men understand the male mind and attitude. Men KNOW what young men think of girls, and also know that really, when thinking of a lifetime partner, they are double-minded and want a virgin. A father naturally wants to shield his daughter from the "taint" of being a second-hand wife - even though he might have put a few girls into that category himself.
@cloudwatcher (6861)
• Australia
6 Apr 07
I drop in for a little most days but it is increasingly hard to find good discussions.
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
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5 Apr 07
I understand what you are saying, but I know that it will happen whether it is under my roof or not. I have been very open with my daughter and she was with him for over a year before we allowed him to stay. They are committed to each other, so I did not see their behaviour as bad as their father did, but I did tell her she had over stepped the mark and supported her father decision on the matter.
Nice to hear from you cloudwatcher, I haven't seen you around in ages. I hope you are keeping well.
Thanks for your comments!
@uramit2003 (898)
• India
6 Apr 07
I think u r too easy to the situation..ya its right girls do grow , but there is a limitation to every action and there sud be a bar which is not to be crossed...u sud clearly mention this to ur daughter .. teenage is a very sensitive age and i know she can take the matter in a wrong way but u sud handle it and be somewhat strict
@subathra (3519)
• India
6 Apr 07
Father is to be very much caring of his daughter because she has to have her own life somewhere else.So it is his duty to see his daughter is educated, disclipline , hardworking & mannered.Then only the families respect will be safeguarded.sons concern father will have life long control so he is not worried much about them.
1 person likes this
@Swtrose (3385)
• Canada
5 Apr 07
As a parent of a teenage daughter and a teenage son, I know that my husband has the same concerns for my daughter as he does my son. There are no two different sets of rules here and I'm sure that your husband would be just as upset if you had a son and he was taking a bath and and his 17 year old g/f was watching. I can see where your husband is coming from. The young man did disrespect him and should be made to apologize. Your daughter may be growing into a young woman, but this is not an excuse for her actions.
1 person likes this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
5 Apr 07
I have a 13 year old son, but I hope this does not get repeated as I would deal with it the same way. I'm not so sure about his father though, although he did say that if a girl had asked him to go in the bathroom with her and her parents were there he would have refused out of respect.
Thanks for your advice!!!
@val_babypink (20)
• Philippines
5 Apr 07
Somehow,i've been in your daughter's situation. My dad too is very strict and doesn't allow me to have a boyfriend till graduation. However, he's very loose when it comes to my brother. As a wife, i think you have to first talk to your husband. Make the right decisions and stick to that. Both of you must have firm decisions when it comes to your child. If your husband says your child is not allowed to go out, you must also stick to that. In that way, your child will not be confused on who to follow or obey. She will realize after all that still you are her parents and just wants the best for her. Also, talk it out with your daughter. Just going crazy and mad about her will do any good. It would just make situation worse, believe me.
1 person likes this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
5 Apr 07
I have spoken to my daughter and explained that I am in agreement with her father, but I am just calmer at dealing with the situation than he is.
We have always stuck together when setting boundaries as I agree this is very important.
Thanks for your wise words. Much appreciated!!
