How do you help a friend, when U aren't supposed 2 know what they're going thru?
By Amber
@AmbiePam (92745)
United States
April 5, 2007 8:18am CST
First of all, let me apologize for the abbreviations of you (U) and to (2). There wasn't enough space for the question without doing that.
Now, for the question. This friend of mine, who is about 2 years older than I (28) is going answered my early discussions, you might fathom a guess. Anyway, she doesn't know I know. My dad is the pastor of our church, and they have confided in him, but of course my dad would NEVER dream of telling me. I put two and two together and got the right answer. Anyway, they are going to go to counseling, but she is struggling with self esteem issues and faith in her husband and in a loving relationship (no he did not commit adultery, at least not physically). I want her to know people love her and that she is special, but I don't want her to catch on that I have a clue as to what her problem is. I don't have any money to spend unless it is a simple card. I have e-mailed her a couple times to encourage, but don't want to get her suspicious with too many e-mails. This lady is a prize - she is trying to get funding to start her own animal shelter, she is a Girl Scout leader, she'll do anything for anyone, and she loves her husband and step son.
Any ideas? Thank you!
7 people like this
9 responses
@SheliaLee (2736)
• United States
5 Apr 07
Mercy, that is a tough one. I really think you have done all that you can without her figuring out that you know what is going on. You might could wait another week or so and send her another e-mail or get her a card and just say "I was just thinking of you and hope you are having a good day" or something like that.
I'm afraid I'm not being much help to you but I will pray for you that you will have wisdom in what to say and do to help her. I can tell that you are really concerned about your friend.
@AmbiePam (92745)
• United States
5 Apr 07
Thank you for your prayers. I know she is hurting and I'd just love to be there for her. But, I also understand her not wanting anyone to know what she is going through. I 'll probably do what you suggested. Just leave casual notes of care, e-mail or letter, occasionally, to remind her she isn't alone.
2 people like this
@susieq223 (3742)
• United States
6 Apr 07
It sounds like you are doing a lot of good things now and being a very good friend. One more thing you could do for yourself and her, is visualize her being bathed in a lovely, healing light. See her smiling and very much at peace. Hold to that vision and thought and turn her and her problems over to God. He is in charge, you know.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (92745)
• United States
6 Apr 07
Yes, He is. It just makes my heart ache to know what pain she is going through. I do believe that this will only make her stronger, and that she will also come through it closer to God. And even though I am more than aggravated with her husband, I need to pray for him as well.
2 people like this
@charms88 (7538)
• Philippines
7 Apr 07
You are on the right track, ambie. Helping a friend is not wrong but there is always a fine line in helping them and giving them the spaces they needed as well. An occasional drop of email will be fine. This is a way of letting this friend know that you cared enough to remind her that you are still there for her. Your friend should be willing to straighten out things on her own too. :)
1 person likes this
@gramskaren (661)
• United States
7 Apr 07
I would say that you would have to just be there when she needs someone. Be a good friend who is there all of the time. Just show small gestures to help her out. Money is not everything when it comes to having a true friend in a time of need. Does not mean you have to tell her anything. Just have to be there. She will appreciate anything you can do for her. I know it is hard when you know something and can't help them out or say anything. Just hope for the best.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (92745)
• United States
7 Apr 07
Things are looking up slightly. Her husband has agreed to go to counseling, and my friend will participate in couple's counseling with him as well. I'm using short, no string attached e-mails to let her know I'm still here and I'm her friend if she ever needs anything.
@whyaskq (7523)
• Singapore
6 Apr 07
Ambie, I too encountered such a situation before. At that time, what came to my mind was 'why let me know when I am not supposed to know'. She doesn't want me to know what is happening, yet somehow I get to know about it.
I cannot help her openly without her getting too suspicious and angry with me. So what I did was to go thru a good friend of hers, who is also my friend. It was sort of done 'underground' and we were really apprehensive about her knowing the truth. But it went well in the end. Till date, she still doesn't know I know about the matter, and I have forgotten about it until now. Hope my experience is of some help to you :)
@daffodilpixi (21)
• United States
3 Jul 08
Just be there for her. Make yourself available if she decides she wants to talk about it. IF you're good friends, then eventually, she'll confide in you.
I can imagine she's having a tough time of it right now and has a lot going on in her life. She's probably embarrassed as well.
All you can do is be there when she's ready for you.
@triggerfish (34)
• Thailand
3 Jul 08
Hi, you sound like a really nice person but to tell you the truth, i don't think you should ever let on that you know what's going on with her until she actually tells you. If she's having problems and she hasn't told you about them yet, then obviously she wants to keep them private. Like one of your friends said earlier, just drop her an email occasionally telling her you're thinking of her or ask her out for a walk or something and maybe she'll open up to you. Wish you all the best.
