husband keeps bugging me to contribute to the expenses thou i'm still a student
By whoever_03
@whoever_03 (29)
April 7, 2007 6:30am CST
help! my pseudo-husband (since we're not yet married but living together) keeps bugging me to "contribute" to the expense.
The story: He got me pregnant when I was an upcoming sophomore in college. He was jobless at that time yet I still chose to live with him. My parents even "threatened" me that if i live with him, they would not support me anymore thinking of the fact that he is jobless.
I am enrolled at a well-known university in the country. Believe me, my school is really reputable and famous for having the the students with not only brain but money as well. In contrast, my pseudo-husband did not graduate from even the top ten or twenty list of the universities in the country.
Taking into the consideration that he might be just using me because I am better-off than him especially when I graduate, I do not contribute to the expenses of my child. I believe that this will keep him from slacking off while waiting for me to graduate in order to support not only my child but him as well. Also, I believe that it his responsibility primarily because he is the father (supposed to be breadwinner) even if I am older and employed. Since he was jobless for the first 2-3 years of us living together, his mom was the one who supported my child but she is not contributing to my studies finances. It is my parents who still supported my studies and allowances.
The problem is, now that he has recently got a "job". He is doing freelance work in making websites etc etc. He is now bugging me to contribute to the expenses because, and i quote, "I have a big amount of allowance". The problem is, I do not really have a big allowance if you take in the factor of my daily expense when I go to school. Since I live with him, I get 1 1/2- 2 hours of one way travel time to my school. How's that for daily sacrifice? 1/3 of my allowance goes to fare expenses while the other goes to food, and other school-related expenses such as photocopying and printing of term papers. So, if there's an extra it would just be a little amount, not to mention that he always raid my wallet in search for money to buy even his own cigarettes!
Now, he is constantly nagging (redundant) to give him money to "contribute" to the expenses. I believe that I must not, and if he still insists, I believe that I must end my relationship with him. These are the reasons:
1. I haven't heard complaints from my mother-in-law regarding the expenses. If I should hear one, then it must be from her, right?
2. The same situation happened to my sister but she does not experience having to be bugged about daily expenses. In fact, his in-laws agreed to finance her tuition fees. She also receives extra money from them and she never got a complaint. Oh by the way, the family have maids too so she doesn't have to do household chores as well. In full contrast to my situation.
3. My pseudo-husband is a gold-digger or might be in the near future.
4. Aside from financial complaints, I also get a daily dose of insults and criticisms regarding my health (because I get tired often due to my asthma conditions) and my physical characteristics. FYI, I'm not that ugly, but I'm really underweight. (tells a lot about stressful conditions)
SO I hope you could help me by posting your comments, suggestions and advices. I really need help. Thanks in advance.
8 responses
@mnflower (1299)
• United States
8 Apr 07
wow woman I don't know where you live but you helped in the getting pregnant department to begin with, it does take two people, and so what if he didn't graduate in the high class college you are going too. so what it he doesn't have your wealth, you chose to be with this man knowing all of this and now all of a sudden because he wants you to help alittle with the household expenses he isn't worth it..Well if I was him I would just be gone cause you are a very ungrateful selfish person to your husband, just cause your sister relationship was bad dowsn't mean yours is going to be, you are thinking of yourself and that is it by the sounds of your discussion you already think your husband is trash, he would be lucky if you left him..sorry just the way I feel, I would never stick around when someone feels the way you do about your husband if someone felt like that about me i would gladly walk out the door and not look back he deserves better.
2 people like this
@mansha (6298)
• India
8 Apr 07
I think you made a wrong choice back then when you got pregnant and went to live with your hubby -I mean chose him overt your parents. I guess you believe or have opened your eyes to reality now that you are stuck with a guy you don't like and he also is a good for nothing fellow. you have jsut realised that you have soewhere thrown away your life and now living a life that you could have made better. what is stopping you now to walk out on him. Its in your hands , just one thing in pursuit of your happineds be kind enough to the child you have delivered, take him along with you, go back to your parents and start over and build a life for you and your kid. goodluck.I do not think its selfish to realise your mistake and correct it.
@whoever_03 (29)
•
9 Apr 07
It's not just because I don't want him to make me "help". It's deeper and far more complicated than that. Do not take it literally. Uh, do I really have to explain word by word? Males (boys or men???)are so stupid nowadays..
And irresponsible:
Maybe I helped in the getting pregnant department. I just hoped that males did/do not start the departments because they want more than just having to play with themselves. It's not really the point anyway. After that getting pregnant thing, males could and should use a little sense of responsibility.
How did I become ungrateful??? Because he did not force me into getting an abortion? I'm guessing from your line of thinking and reasoning.
@whoever_03 (29)
•
9 Apr 07
It's a good point that it is not selfish to realize mistakes. I'll keep that in mind.
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
8 Apr 07
You helped the situation in getting pregnant in the first place and to suggest that you contribute nothing towards the upkeep of your child is a little cold hearted.
Who cares if your husband didn't have the education you have? Who cares if he didn't graduate from the list of top universities in your country? The fact of the matter is that right now, he is better than you are because he got a job and is taking care of his child.
With the way you say you've been treating him, I'd have to say that you're lucky he's still there, because if I were him, I'd have been gone long ago.
Your sister's relationship has NOTHING to do with yours and you shouldn't be comparing yours to hers.
@whoever_03 (29)
•
9 Apr 07
How could I be a little coldhearted? I was the one who took care of my baby ever since he got born. Mind you, my"husband" has been playing an online game ever since. One time, he didn't even bother to check me up if I was doing ok when I was 8 months pregnant after quite a strong earthquake because he was playing this game. How can I be coldhearted?
I think you're the one who is coldhearted. Getting pregnant helped the situation? I hope guys will grow up! What kind of reasoning is that?
Having s*x with the notion that I will get pregnant is one thing. BUT having a baby is another: You should accept and do your responsibility of being a parent in all aspects. Children do not wait for their father to mature. My bf is already 31 yrs old FYI. It is quite obvious that I have accepted the responsibility of taking care of our child, but he was/is not.
And yeah, maybe I'm treating him like trash. I just hope you consider the fact that maybe he's just treating me worse than that.
Thank you for your comment. You know what, the MALES (boys or men?)have quite a pattern in thinking. It just reflects how men still think of women nowadays. I just want you to know that I am completely blaming what happened to me to him, I just wanted him to prove that he was worth fighting for. And accept and do something about his responsibility like other dads do.
@GuateMom (1411)
• Canada
7 Apr 07
It sounds to me that you don´t respect your guy very much and don´t really want to be with him. In fact, it sounds like you feel you are much better and on a higher class level than him and dislike him for this. If this is the case, why are you still with him?
First, you really need to straighten out this money situation if you are going to stay with him. I expect that you are fighting about this situation quite a bit which is bad for your studies, your child and anyone else involved.
You need to sit down with him and work out a budget. You say that you feel he is a gold-digger, but if you are not giving him money, he has no reason to expect that in the future either, so that may not be the reason he is with you. Both of you need to talk about the family expenses and decide which ones you will each take on (you your schooling, he the food, etc.) Write this all down so you can refer to the agreement later on. You might decide to pool some of your money for certain things. The problem when a couple keeps everything so separate is that they are not usually a real couple.
Also, you need to stop envying your sister. You chose this guy (whether or not he got you pregnant, you decided to stay with him) and not hers. So although it would be wonderful to have more money and maids and such, that is not your life. Be happy for your sister and try to make your own life better by finishing your studies.
But I really do think you need to reevaluate why you are with this man. There was 0 positive about him in your post. It might be time to leave him and get on with life. Your school probably has a counselor for things like this and it would be worth-while to talk to him or her about your situation.
@whoever_03 (29)
•
7 Apr 07
I am not degrading his situation. I think it is helpful to cite that he is 31 years old already. I just wanted to stress our differences that makes me wonder if he truly loves me at all. It was not that I disrespect him, it is that I am doubting now. Obviously, it never mattered to me before because I still went to live with him under the circumstances that my parents
might stop supporting my studies. In fact, he was reluctant to let me stay with him for reasons that I don't know, but I believed back then that although we end up being poor it is okay. However, my beliefs and grounds for staying with him changed when I realized that he was poor because he was so picky for jobs. In fact he could have applied for a hospital where his mom is working for at least some clerical work but he chose not to because it's not the job that he wanted. He doesn't want to be under schedule.
For clarification, I am not envying my sister's situation. I just mentioned her case to at least point out that I do not have to go through all of this although I got pregnant.
@whoever_03 (29)
•
7 Apr 07
Also, it never occurred to me that he is a user or gold digger until I remembered a time when he talked about his rich ex-girlfriend. Everything he told me about her only concludes that she is very rich indeed. Also, he even mentioned that she was such a great girlfriend because, and i quote:"it's like living in a way that you are leaning against a rock".
@shubhamgupta (127)
• India
8 Apr 07
Hey this seems very sad that your husband is doing such horrible things to you.Troubling financially is a very common practice amonf families throughout the world and you really need to take some strict action against it.You either need to talk to him stright away that this way you two cannot continue or you are bound to take some legal actions against him.
@jmathen (112)
• India
7 Apr 07
Towards the end of the issue, you have mentioned about "his insults and criticisms regarding your health and physical characteristics". I was wondering then, Are you in the right relationship? I know i am an outsider and I might not be aware lot of facts in your life. But it seems that your relationship will be getting damaged down the future..I dont think that it is just "financial issues" in your life, something more to that ! Otherwise why would he criticise you about your physical characteristics and health problems? I dont think someone who loves you dearly will say those kind of things, right? In my opinion, you should think about the whole present situation in your life. It is very important at this point of time because you also have a child involved in your life.. A relationship which is not in the right path is definitely going to affect your child's life. Staying with a person just because he is the father of the child is not the right choice ! Dont you want to raise your child in a healthy, loving atmosphere?? Do you want matters in your life effect your child's emotional growth? Well..Lot of things involved, right? It is a Huge step to take but earlier the better ! I am not trying to say to walk out, but what i am trying to bring across is you to analyse your present life and situation and then make a decision accordingly.. If you keep your eyes closed, no doubt, you will have to face the consequence and I dont think you want to regret about the decisions you took.. By the way, Man might be the "bread winner" but we should be independent and capable of raising our child.. We just have to step up and take the responsibility.. True, it is the joint responsibility but take a minute and think, if he is not doing his part right, are you going to wait for him to do his part (not sure when that might happen !) or step up and take the decision which is right for you and your child? Dont waste time thinking and worrying about "what do i do"..Get out and act upon what you think is right.......Life is short and precious, its not something to waste...
@whoever_03 (29)
•
7 Apr 07
It's ok if you're n outsider I appreciate your effort helping me. I know that it is very traditional to think that men should be the breadwinner, but I believe it is very wrong to depend on a woman. It's not that I hate him, I want to settle things out, I want to make it better.
It's a good point to see that marriage is joint responsibility, however, it must be that he must do his part well.
How can I start a conversation like this with him?
@Catherine0311 (13)
• China
8 Apr 07
Well, your problem must have been boreing you for a long time. I hope that you will get better very soon.
Nowadays a good man must be aggressive in job and considerate in family. But as you mentioned above, you "husband" is not so good. Anyway, to leave him or not all depends on yourself.
Ladies should be courage and strong. We have choice to do anything good for our life.
@pisces24 (147)
• Philippines
8 Apr 07
i would presume you loved him a lot (you have this baby by him, right?) but when you are very much in love you fail to see the other person's negative qualities.
they say love flies out the window when hunger comes knocking on the door. now that you've having financial troubles you tend to think twice about your love for him.
with the way he is treating you, do you honestly think that he really loves you?
you're intelligent, and the good thing is that your parents understand you and support you. should you think of breaking off with this guy and rearing your child alone, i believe you can do it.
i'm not saying that's the right thing to do, but whatever he is now, there's a bigger chance that he would be worse rather than improve later on.
it's your call...
@ladymoonstone143 (1507)
• United States
8 Apr 07
All I can say is that, you have too much stress already with regards to your studies and your baby that this kind of attitude from this man is just way out of line. If he made you that unhappy and has been pressuring you financially, it is about time to pack your bags and restart your life. Just imagine 2, 5 or 10 years from now...imagine life with him and his attitude. Do you think you will last or he will just make you more miserable. Get out of this relationship before you will be so miserable. After you finish school, there are lots of opportunities out there, you will meet lots of men who is not like the one that you got now. You have to think of your well-being and your baby.
And then also, think that if he is treating you this way, does he do this so you will get out of his life? Does he really love you? Does he want to spend the rest of his life with you? Is he thinking of marrying you? You have to check all of this because he might be doing all these stuff just to make you miserable and you will leave him. On the other hand, if the above questions have a positive response then he maybe just plain insensitive.
