I can't stop crying....
By bonbon50
@bonbon50 (659)
United States
April 10, 2007 7:24pm CST
I learned on Easter that my father doesn't have very long to live. My mother has already passed and I don't have much family. I was very upset when I found out he was in the hospital and called my best friend crying, asking her to say a prayer for him but didn't go into details as it's hard for me to talk when I'm upset.
I just don't understand her, because she never called until this afternoon (Tuesday). I was so upset I couldn't even answer the phone. She knows I have no support system. I feel let down, and it's not the first time. She pretty much disappeared when my mother died. When her mother was sick, I watched her children, offered to do her laundry, grocery shop, anything so that she could spend as much time with her mother as possible. I helped her write thank-you notes after the burial. (However, the fruit basket I sent her went unmentioned, and I wasn't working at the time.)
This friend is the kind that organizes people to take food to families when they lose a loved one even when she hardly knows them, she's very active in her church. When my mother died, she didn't even run over a loaf of bread. It especially hurt because she knew I wasn't being comforted by cousins, aunts, uncles, as I have none. (Nor a spouse.)
I'm the kind that would definately get back to a friend who was upset later in the day, or the next day offering what support or comfort that I might be able to. Am I wrong to expect the same from her?
9 people like this
32 responses
@Chryssi (828)
• United States
11 Apr 07
No, you aren't wrong to expect the same from her. But, from the things that you've explained about her, I would say that you're wasting your efforts in expecting her to be a great friend to you. She obviously doesn't appreciate the things that you do for her, nor does she show interest in being there for you. There are plenty of other people who will support you, and comfort you in your time of need. MyLot is a great place to find people like that.
As for your dad, he may not have very long to live, but he's not gone yet. Don't mourn for him now, spend as much time as you can with him, before he passes away. You'll be glad that you did.
Remember, if you need someone to talk to, I'll be here to listen and offer you a shoulder to cry on. I'm sure other people will, as well.
2 people like this
@bonbon50 (659)
• United States
11 Apr 07
Thanks for your response. I live in Ohio, and he lives in Florida, so it's unlikely I'll be seeing him. I love my father, and was a daddy's girl when I was little, but then he walked out and didn't look back. It is always me reaching out to him, as he's only called me twice in the last 15 years though we've never fought. I guess that's what hurts so much. He's always held me at arms length after he left while I've always wanted to be close. Now, I know the gap will never be bridged. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but in a way I think it's even harder due to the nature of our relationship.
@Chryssi (828)
• United States
11 Apr 07
You're welcome. I'm sorry to hear that you aren't as close with him as you'd like to be.. But you see, you've been trying. He hasn't, unfortunately. Keep that in mind, you've done everything that you can. Yes, it's saddening that you didn't get to have the relationship with him that you needed, but you tried your best. Maybe call him and make your peace with him.. Let him know that you love him, and you always will, and know in your heart that you've tried your best.
I don't have a relationship with my dad, either. My dad never bothers to call, never comes to see me, never sends me cards - but he goes out of his way to see my stepsister. I was always the one who would go see him, and stuff. One day, I realized that he doesn't care about me, and I let go.
It wasn't an easy task, but it doesn't hurt as bad anymore. It'll always hurt a bit, just like you'll always hurt a bit over it, but it'll become easier to accept.
Once again, you aren't alone. Never lose sight of that.
2 people like this
@maildumpster (3815)
• United States
11 Apr 07
No you are not wrong to expect support from your friend. ESPECIALLY since you did the same for her.
I know how hard losing someone dear to you is. I have said a prayer for your father.
Wish there was more I could do for you.
Gosh I can't believe your friend!! I am going to a wake tonight for my friend's father. She and I were great friends in high school but lost touch. I haven't even seen her in around 4-5 years; and yet I am going to the wake to show my support for her and her mother.
1 person likes this
@bonbon50 (659)
• United States
12 Apr 07
Thanks for your prayers. She went to a wake of an old high school friend's mother last week and they haven't talked due to a fight they had a couple years ago. That's why I can't understand; almost like she only offers support if there's an audience to witness it.
1 person likes this
@maildumpster (3815)
• United States
12 Apr 07
Some people are like that. They only help others to boost themselves. They need to get recognition for doing it.
I went to the wake tonight and it was really hard. My old friend and her mother really appreciated my being there.
@butterflydawn (297)
• Canada
11 Apr 07
Sorry to hear about your father. Even if you don't have a real close relationship, they are still a part of you, and still your parent. It's hard to lose anyone you love, much less a parent.
As for your friend, perhaps she is unsure of how to help you on a personal basis, and doesn't understand how much you are really hurting. Have you told her how much he means to you, or asked if she could possibly come and listen to you? Some people just don't do well in that type of situation or know what to say or do when it comes down to what to do in a personal situation with a friend.
Although I don't think you are wrong to expect the same from her as you have offered her, I do know that there are situations that I'm not comfortable in and just can't seem to deal with in order to help someone else. Sometimes you just have to spell out what you need when it comes to some people.
@minty3 (592)
• Nigeria
11 Apr 07
I feel and understand you plight very clearly. Its not wrong to expect same from her but unfortunately she doesn't feel for you the way you feel for her and its human. Instead of hurting yourself by her attitudes and actions towards, your best bet should be to first let her know how you feel and how she's continually hurt you by her attitudes and your resolve to break the relationship. If you dont break the relationship, you won't make any headway. Look there're better people out there waiting and wanting to become friends with you if only you'll allow them. Besides, you too need a spouse you can always confide and expect support from when you need it.
I love you dear and i pray for you that God will meet with your need at this time and make you really happy. Your service in making other people happy will not be in vain. I wish you a lifetime of joy and happiness. cheers!
1 person likes this
@Lavera1 (896)
• United States
11 Apr 07
Bonbon, we must give without expecting to recieve from others. That is called unselfish giving. Giving out of love because we want the best for others.
I know that it is easier said than done, Bonbon. But what you are expecting from your friend, maybe you just will not ever get from her.
So either accept her as she is or stop giving to her and you will release yourself from a lot of stress and grief.
This reminds me of a scripture in the bible: "It seems that the more I give the more I am hated."
@bonbon50 (659)
• United States
11 Apr 07
I can understand this, except that I see her offering support to people she's not nearly as close to, and that usually have a pretty good support system without her. So I don't understand why she seems to pull back from me at the most stressful time(s) in my life. (She knows I suffer from depression, which never helps matters like this.) Perhaps I am selfish....but I DO feel like she should show more (some) concern. Since this is a repeat performance, I just don't know if I want to be friends with her if she can only be a friend in the good times.
@wachit14 (3595)
• United States
11 Apr 07
First of all, I'm so sorry for the news about your father. I also was told that my dad had a very short time to live and he passed away less than a week later after I was told so I had no time to prepare myself for the loss. Thankfully, I had my family around me. I think that my friends were there for me in their own way, but truthfully, sometimes people just don't know how to handle these things. Their intentions are in the right place, but their actions may speak differently. Having said that, at this point in time, take whatever comfort you can from her and try not to dwell on anything negative right now. Your father needs your positive energy to help him through this difficult time. When things have settled down for you and you still feel unsettling about her, then maybe you can have a heart to heart talk with you to clear the air so you both can move past this. In the meantime, I will definitely say a prayer for you and your dad.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
11 Apr 07
I have to say in her defence that she probably is scared and that she doesn´t know how she should behave and what to say..
However she should be there dfor you, no excuse for that. Even just sitting there holding your hand...
1 person likes this
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
11 Apr 07
No you are not "wrong" in the universal ethics/morals sense, but you are wrong, in that wanting it and not recieving it is killing you inside... Life is tough to bear, and to you go my prayers, but ultimately, in the end, you must admit, this lady is no friend to you. Let her go. Maybe by doing that she'll turn around. If not, you've not lost anything, but a selfish person who tears at your emotional well-being.
@shila07 (514)
• Bhutan
11 Apr 07
Its quite sad part to know that your father has very little time. Its sad news for all of us.
FRiend, your friend might got busy with her works so she didnot get time to call you on time. WHy not call her and ask her what she is doing. I would say that you are not wrong to expect same, because as human being we expect the same from others when we are in need.
@joodzki6 (596)
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
if you do something to a friend or to someone, don't expect something in return or that she'll/he'll do the same thing you did for her/him. try to talk to her, maybe she has her reason of doing such. just try to open up with her, and if she do nothing..it's okay, if she does, be thankful but don't expect much. we have individuality, we are not the same...maybe she has her own way of showing her support with you. just try to be open-minded with this matter.
by the way, sorry for your dad's condition. hope he still get well. just pray for him everyday...you will overcome this..you'll see. so, good luck and cheer up!
1 person likes this
@venkyvenky (621)
• India
11 Apr 07
Problem is the small gap between expectation and reality. So either expect less or accept and go with the reality.
My opinion would be just do whatever u can. dont hurt urself for doing anything to that friend who ahs not helped u. But do whatever u r able to withput much pain or stress.
dont expect anything back.somehow,somebody in some formwill come and help u when u are in need even if your friend is not going to help u when u r in need.
1 person likes this
@uiwwitch (892)
• United States
11 Apr 07
I'm so sorry to hear about your father. It's always hard to learn that you are losing a loved one. regarding your friend, it's good that you openly supported her when she needed you. That's what friends are for, to be there in times of adversity. I don't blame you for feeling bad that she cannot be there for you. However, and I will just take a wild guess here, maybe your friend does not react well to situations like this. Maybe she's also having a hard time accepting this trial that you're going through. Some people can be good support people for strangers but fall apart when it comes to people who are close to them. Hey if it's any consolation, we're all friends here at mylot and you can certainly look to us for support.
1 person likes this
@brandonmagsino (639)
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
"i cant stop cryinh". hey, i would too if i were you. i am an only child. although i do have a very, very huge family on both mother and father's side. i wouldnt know what to do if one of them passes away. i am one of those who still lives with his parents under the same roof. and i love it.
1 person likes this
@missybal (4490)
• United States
11 Apr 07
You are not wrong to expect the same from her. However it is possible that she misread you and maybe she thinks of you as the type who doesn't want help unless you ask for it. Maybe she thinks the way you called a didn't talk long that you wanted to be left alone and that you needed some time before you would be ready to talk. It's entirely possible that she doesn't realize that you really want her help. If you are usually the super strong type maybe she thinks she will be walking on your pride if she runs to your rescue, even know she has used you to lean on. I would talk to her and tell her you are really having a hard time and need a lot of support form her. Don't be afraid to ask, but because she isn't thinking to offer. God bless you and your loved ones. I shall pray for your father and for you.
@bonbon50 (659)
• United States
12 Apr 07
Thanks for your prayers. They are much appreciated. I think this is going to be the 'make it or break it' time for our friendship. I guess I'm the kind that unless someone explicitly tells me they don't want my help or support, than I am there, that will stop if someone says they don't want my help, rather than wait for them to ask for it.
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
11 Apr 07
If this friend is giving to other people but not to you, I would have to say that she's trying to make herself out to be something she's not.
I would stop expecting anything from her because it seems obvious she's not willing to give it to you. At the same time, I would stop giving to her too. She's a taker and doesn't believe in giving anything back in return. It hurts when friends turn out to be like that. They say that it's times like this when you find out who your true friends are, and I totally believe that.
I'm so sorry to hear about your Father. I hope that he goes at peace and doesn't suffer.
@bonbon50 (659)
• United States
12 Apr 07
Thanks, I'm praying my father doesn't suffer and goes at peace too. It's all I can do at this point. I lived with a guy a few years ago and he pointed out the fact that he felt she takes advantage of our friendship; asking me to sew things and such at a moments notice. Funny how people can see things before we can.
@gracew (17)
• Malaysia
11 Apr 07
I can figure out now that you are not just upset over your dad's condition but also emotional about your friend who couldn't at this crucial time come to your aid due to certain reasons not disclosed. But I would like to offer a word of encouragement as i was sort of in your shoe once upon a time. Remembering how i went through those rough patches of my life, i did not resented any but on the contrary, i thank God for allowing me to go through and still stand. life is not a bed of roses, if it is, sure it will be boring. Anyway, i think it is good that you spend as much time as possible with your dad and let him see that you are strong. Do not take it too hard of what your friend is not able to perform at this moment. Take good care of your relationship with God and trust only on HIM!
1 person likes this
@haedescanes (592)
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
I'm really sorry for your dad. I\m suer it is tough but God has a reason for everything. with regards to your friend, don't blame her if she is not the type who comforts you evry now and then. maybe she has her own reasons. Learn to accept everything and understand every situation, in this way you can accept life lightly and without blames on others. just remeber that life is a test and there is always a God who will listen to all our needs. I know you are getting stronger as each day pass. God has a plan for you my friend. Just pray and have faith i God. goodluck!
@boquitachulita (14)
• United States
11 Apr 07
this is not TV sweetheart you need to realize that people are gonna be people and karma's a _itch so if this was me i would of drowned myself in a bottle of e&j or some kind a drink and not even bother to call a friend WHO did nothing when my MOM die and you honestly thought that she do something now? please you need to tell her to kick rocks and chew bubble gum
1 person likes this
