When is enough?

I dont think you are teaching him anything by paying for all his needs,I understand helping him put but he will keep useing you as long as you keep payinf for everything. dose he have a job? if not tell him to get one and start paying his way sometimes tuff love is the best love you can give a child.

Hi, I personally did have a lot of financial help from my parents when I was at college and University. There was an agreement that they would help me out all the time I was in full-time education. I did work during holidays but this was the only time. I think not having to work and having all the to study and have a social life(which is as much a part of college/uni life as study) helped me immensely. When I had finished my studies, all help stopped, I got a job and am now doing well. I think it is important for people to realise that there is a cut-off point to aim for and that this point is clearly defined.

Your right. You already helped him to get the education to get a job and now he needs to stand on his own two feet. Give him a time limit to get his act together and tell him the money flow is over. He will have to learn to fend for himself. You can always help out a little if he ever really needs it but for now you need to step back and don't give in. Don't worry. I'm sure you gave him the building blocks to be able to do it.

I think I have to agree with you on this one. When I left high School I had to go out and get a job because my parents told me that I now had to start paying them rent to live there. Instead, I moved out and in with my partner. It was better all round because my sister and I had been having some terrible fights. Your fiancee's son needs to learn that there is a cut off point and that you cannot afford to keep paying his way for him. If he lives on his own then he has to find the ways and means to support himself. He needs to be told that you are no longer going to pay his rent and his bills for him, and that he needs to get up off his butt and do something about getting a job. When you have someone paying the bills for you, it's easy to be lulled into a false sense of security about not needing a job.

Back up a little and let him get a little smell of life maybe that will help him even in the future to come.

At 20 and having graduated from college I'd say its definitely time to back off and make him stand on his own feet. It doesnt have to be all at once but you can start withdrawing certain payments so he has a motivation to start doing something about it and get a job. What motivation does he have at the moment if everything gets paid for him anyways? Wouldnt we all like to stay home and do what we want if all bills get paid?

You are absolutly right, he is not going to earn this way, why should when all of his needs are met

I don't know what to say to you. I supported my briother in law for twelvce years. he was twenty and in college when I got married and we were supposed to support his education till he got a job which he didn't till he was thirty two and suddenly fell in l;ove with a rich girl and got serious about his workj and so now for past two year we are not supporting him in anyway. But I wish I had the authority to question him or anyone in the family could have asked him to settle down earlier. this is what happens whenyou let kids choosew their path and ion your haert you know they are taking your undue advantage. You do not allow this to continue tell your hubby sometimes kids do need a ush towards reality. justy like a penguine teaches his kids by throwing them in the water sometimes we alos need to do the same.

I definitely think you should back off. In my family even my 16 yr old sister is working so she can buy all the things she wants. I'm not working during the college term anymore, but I save up as much as I can during the summer and than I pay for all my food etc. I think when your kid is in college than paying for some of their bills is fine, but if your kid is finished and is able to get a job than that's different. My 22 year old sister got a job straight away after college and is now supporting herself. You'll also be doing his son a favour by getting him to stand on his own 2 feet.

Is he looking for work or is he pretty comfortable having someone else foot the bills and responsibilities? If he is truly out there pounding the pavement every day looking for a job then I could see "assisting" him for a limited amount of time..I know he probably wants a job in his "area of expertise" but personally I would set some parameters.. I would sit down, lay out the time frame and tell him that if he can't find employment in that alloted time that he will be on his own, and I would stick to it. If the time deadline passes with no luck, then he should be required to take any job to pay his bills. I think you both have been overly generous to this young man and have now become enablers...If you just stopped paying the bills with no warning..what would he do?...who would he turn to? You indicate that you pay his rent, which should mean he lives on his own...but instead it means he lives off of you and has no reason to change that!!! I have an acquaintance that just shed herself of the financial responsibility of her oldest daughter...she used the timeframe idea but with a few twists..until the daughter found suitable employment she had to come to her mother's house and perform many tasks to help offset the payments being made. There was no extra payment made for this work..it was to be done daily until a job was found.. she made it so intense that the daughter had a job in 3 weeks...she got tired of "working" for nothing..she thought the work was too hard and too much..they had her do things like housecleaning, wall washing, waxing hardwood floors, cleaning the garage, doing lawn work, weeding..washing the cars, cleaning out the frig..it was a full time job when she wasn't out looking for employment...But they got some things done they needed and it offered the daughter a new view of life and now everyone is happy!!! So in answer to the "should we back off a little"...maybe you should come on a little and make a list of what needs to be done in order for you to continue supporting him..keep the timeframe and at least you will challenge him to be self supporting soon!!! If it doesn't work, then you've done your part and he will have to learn what the world is all about!!!

Yes he be more motivated to bet job.

You are right, but unfortunately you can argue with your fiancee till your blue in the face and it won't change things. My husband and I raised my step son from the time he was 12. After he graduated High School, he did get a job, but did not contribute in any way to the household. So he had free rent, free food, access to my washer and dryer, and he would also use things like soap, laundry detergent, shampoo, etc. A total free ride. I would complain and tell my husband that we should at least charge him something for room and board, but by the time he was 20 nothing changed and he was still getting a free ride and spending the money he earned on cd's, things for his car, movies, and just stuff that he really didn't need. If he had been saving money towards getting his own place I don't think it would have bothered me so much. But he was comfortable and all his physical needs were provided for so why should he bother? We ended up having to move to another state and my step son made the choice to stay there and move in with his mother. Now she is providing everything for him, which I think is only fair since she didn't provide anything for him since the day he moved in with us. My problem is resolved, but he is 22 now and has not learned to be responsible for himself. I hope you can resolve this with your fiancee, you aren't doing any favors to his son by paying for everything in the long run.

I have to agree with you most definitely on this. If he is already living on his own and is 20 years old he needs to get himself a job and start paying his own bills. If he were still living at home it would be different.

your own children but what I am asaking is when does it go beyond helping? We are still paying all of his bills. His rent, his power, gas, water, you name it we are paying for it. He has yet to get a job. I told my fiancee that there is no motivation for him to get a job because everyone is paying for anything and everything he wants or needs.

I agree with you. He needs to get a job and start paying for his own needs. If he doesn't do this he'll not be motivated to move on, he will just stay where he is. I help my kids out when then need help, but if your fiancee is paying for everything then you really need to all sit down and have a talk about this before it creates bigger problems in your relationship.

I have young children so I haven't been in your situation yet but I do know what I was told when I was 20. My mom promised me that as long as she had a home so did I but that didn't mean I could abuse it. I had 3 choices...I could get a job, go to school, or get out and figure it ! You mention you pay his rent, so that means he has moved out so yea I would say you're right..you and your fiancee should back off. Sounds like he is taking advantage of you both. It sounds harsh but sometimes tough love is what needs to happen. I know its easy to say "if it were me I would...." but as much as you want to help him, your really not. Its a harsh reality but one day he wont have you guys to pay his bills. Its just my opinion but I think the best thing would be to force him to learn how to work, save money and budget. If he does it now at least he will have you and his dad to offer advice and guidance. Good luck

Yes, I think you should back of a little bit. Don't completely drop the lad into all of his bills because it honestly would be too much of a shock. My parents started us out early. We never had to pay ANY rent, or groceries, utilities what so ever to live at home BUT when we got a car we paid the gas, the insurance, etc... if we wanted special foods (such as chips or pop which my mom wouldn't buy as part of the groceries) we had to give her a list and the money from our own pockets. If we wanted a cell phone it was in our name and the bill was ours. so on and so forth. I would advise you to sit down with the young lad and tell him nicely but FIRMLY we aren't going to pay for this (pick one small bill) anymore. Give him a month or so to get a job or what not... Then in another month give him another bill... Sit him down and explain why you are doing this. Teach him to budget and let him know that you are doing this to treat him as an adult and not to be MEAN and that you aren't trying to hurt him. My parents made us pay for our "extras" ourselves but there was the unstated understanding that if things ever got WAY TOO bad they would help us out but not on a regular basis. He needs to get a job though. If he's done school he needs a job. You are right he has no reason to get a job if everyone is paying his way.

Hiya, KissThis---I think that while we should "help" our grown children; we should not allow them to be totally dependant on us. He needs to have a job, and attempting to "make it" on his own...I can see supplementing his income if this is necessary, but he is not learning anything about being "an adult". I have a daughter who is almost 30 and I made the same mistake that you are making....I "helped" her so much that she did not have a reason to attempt to stand up on her own....I have to tell you that as they get older....it is not easier to break this habit!!! It has been very difficult for me to stop "helping" her but until I did; she seemed perfectly content to allow me to "handle things". I am in my middle 40's and began to wonder what would happen to her if something was to happen to me...great motivation to force some growing up.....your son will be better off in the long run. I am sure that he will resist this change...but sometimes change is for the good and if you are teaching him to become a strong, responsible adult then you must begin by making him realize that he can not truly be an "adult" while mommy is paying all the bills..Good luck, my friend.

Yes, you're right. He won't be motivated to make it on his own if he doesn't have to. Supporting yourself is hard work so why would someone do it if they didn't have to. Put it to your fiancee this way: he is doing his son more harm then good. He isn't allowing his son to grow up and realize the challanges of the world. Also add this: (and God forbid) something happened to both of you...how would his son know how to support himself. By taking care of all of his expenses he is really making his son's situation worse. Good luck!

As long as he is looking for a job I would continue to help the kid out. Its not always easy to find a job these days. If you feel he isn't really motivated to get a job start helping him to look for a job. Point out places that are hiring. Also, you can point out that if he had money of his own he would be able to do more things. Like going out with his friends or fixing up his truck.