boyfriends and babies -- advice needed...
By lyndaj70
@lyndaj70 (293)
United States
April 12, 2007 10:47pm CST
My boyfriend and I have considered marriage for years, and he hasw always seemed hesitant about it. However, one of his younger relatives has had a child they are unable to support for reasons of youth, and my boyfriend and his mother are jointly caring for this babe. Now he is wanting us to marry soon, and I fear that he doesn't want to marry me for me, but to take this child in.
I have no problem with children, just a problem with not being asked my opinion on raising this child. A child is a large responsibility, and my youngest is seven. I was looking forward to her growing up and seeing some freedom from the responsibilities of parenthood, and yet my feelings aren't being considered. I am being accused of being jealous of this child, when in fact I simply am hesitant to take on the burden of another person's actions.
I was a "teenage mother" myself, and raised my children without throwing the burden on others, and I am a bit resentful that my feelings aren't being considered here, as well as a bit resentful that this person is not being made to be responsible for the life they created.
Am I just being selfish by not really wanting to take that child in? Am I being used cause before this child came along he showed no interest in hurrying up on planning for any nuptials.
The thought of taking in an infant after so many years of looking forward to being child free in a few years is intimidating, and frustrating because it seems as if I'm not going to have any choice in the matter unless I refuse to marry. And if I refuse to marry, I am throwing away a relationship that has spanned several years.
I honestly do not know how to handle this situation. I don't want to toss the relationship away, but I really do not want the responsibility of another child.
Am I being selfish here? What should I do? I have tried to express my opinion that the child created that life and should be made to be responsible for his actions, and I am accused of not being understanding, that he is too young to raise a child. He is older than I was when I had my first, so I have been where he is now and know it is possible to make it. I also feel that he won't learn to be responsible for these actions if someone bails him out every time (the mother is unable to care for the child due to drug problems).
How should I handle this? How can I express my concerns politely, express the fears that I have. How do I handle this in a polite way without coming off as selfish, or am I in fact being selfish?
Any thoughts and opinions, good and bad -- will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
2 people like this
3 responses
@4cuteboys (4099)
• United States
13 Apr 07
If you don't want the responsibility, I would tell him. If he chooses to end the relationship because of that, then so be it. It's better to find out now, than when you are married. You shouldn't be tied down if you dont feel ready. You shouldnt have to parent before you feel comfortable with it. My words of wisdom are don't marry if you have any doubts. You don't want to end up divorced, or unhappy a few months down the road. Sometimes breaking up is hard to do, but a necessary evil. I don't think you are selfish in the least.
2 people like this
@smartmom (826)
• United States
13 Apr 07
Wauw, this is really an intricate situation that you are in, and I really find it difficult to advise you, as it seems so complicated.
I am not sure where you are located, so I do not know, whether any of this has anything to do with your culture.
One thing I do know though, is that you have to sit down with your boyfriend and have a heart to heart. You need to let him know exactly how you are feeling, although it sounds like you have already done this.
No matter what you really have to do some soul searching. If you think that this man is the one for you, then I do not see any other way than accepting the baggage that he comes with, even if it is not really his, and even if it is a child.
I completely understand you opinion about how the father of the child should be taking care of the baby, but if I was you, I would take a bit of a different spin at this. Where do you think this baby will be better off, with you and your boyfriend or with the biological father? This might be an opportunity to give an innocent child, the live he or she would never be able to get, if he or she were to stay with the biological parents.
No matter what, I think you should really make up with your self, whether or not this is a task that you can and are willing to be a part of.
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
13 Apr 07
This is a tough one isn't it?
Obviously there are 2 parents for this infant, can neither of them step up to the plate & be responsible for the life they created? I'd have thought adoption would be the perfect answer for this situation rather than burdoning the rest of the family with a newborn.
I would feel selfish as well but think you have every right to not want to take on someone else's accident - i don't mean for it to sound that harsh but everyone makes mistakes & this baby was obviously a mistake in the eyes of it's parents - they really need to be told that since they made this baby, they need to grow up & start acting like mature adults coz this poor child is the only one that is going to suffer.
I believe your husband does want to take on the baby but don't think you should be made to feel guilty for preferring not to take on another infant - it will disrupt everything you have at home & with the marriage thing, i would agree with you, it would seem as though he is wanting the marriage for a reason other than just for you.
Why cant the Grandparent, who is caring for the baby now, continue to do so? Why does your partner feel he is the only one that can take on the baby?
I'd try & explain to him that you're not willing to marry JUST so he can take on another baby & you're not willing to turn your current kids lives upside down because of something someone else has done.
Be firm with him & make him understand you like things the way they are & you don't feel jealous about the baby, just that you have finished with having babies - then ask him if he'd be willing to stay home all day taking care of someone else's baby.
Has he bothered to ask your current kids about how they'd feel having someone else's baby thrown in to their current happy family situation?
Also ask him how he'd feel in 5 - 10 years time when there's a chance the actual parents will come around & decide they want to raise their baby? It would be far too hard for me to just let go but there's always a chance that will happen when the kids have grown up a bit.
:( I do wish you well, i hope your partner can understand your concerns. Good Luck & i'll keep my fingers crossed that you can sort this out without ruining the relationship you have :)
