Suggestions Please!!!
By misschriss
@misschriss (110)
United States
April 13, 2007 6:50pm CST
I am married to a wonderful husband. The only problem is, I believe he doesn't want to be married anymore. Why do I believe this? Oh it's because he's told me so several times and then revoked his comments. I say he is a good man because he's stood by my side through all of my surgeries, he's a wonderful provider, and I feel that he does love me. I just believe that he has emotional issues and doesn't deal with stress well. It seems that the only time he uses those words "I don't want to be married anymore" is when we are facing a stuggle. But the funny thing is,he always get through our dilema and then he's back to normal. I had taken it on as my job, not to let stress get within inches of him. Almost like a 1950's wife who handles the home while the husband goes to work. Anyway, he has told me he doesn't want to be married anymore and this time I feel he means it. I asked about counseling and he said, "Only people who want to save their marriage go to counseling. I love you but I just don't want to be married anymore." It may sound weird but I am almost 100% certain that he's not cheating because he goes no where and he doesn't want to move out. He plans to sleep in the spare room. My question is: "What should I do? I am hurting so badly!!!
4 people like this
10 responses
@ldybgsgma99 (798)
• United States
14 Apr 07
This really hard and I honestly don't know what to tell you. I would be totally devastated if I was in your place. All I can say is I hope things work out for you and you are in my prayers.
1 person likes this
@misschriss (110)
• United States
14 Apr 07
Let me see, does ldybgsgma stand for "Lady Bugs Gramma"? So if you wouldn't mind, please pray for my pain to ease.
God Bless you and your family.
1 person likes this
@ESKARENA1 (18261)
•
14 Apr 07
my husband and I tell each other at least once or twice that we dont want to be married any more, that the marriage was a huge mistake that we should never had the kids and that given half a chance we would leave. However, we have been married for 16 years now and i guess it has always been like that.
You need to get him to see how much he is hurting you because im pretty certain at the bottom of it all he still wants to be there. If not why stay
blessed be
1 person likes this
@nilzerous1 (2434)
• India
14 Apr 07
"The world is a stage"...
And your life story is just another evidence. I'm pretty optimistic about all these issues and to the best of my knowledge whatever I've understood is that both of you have mutual trust and respect. So, first of all, discard all the thought-processes involving a pending divorce. I think you need not do so at this stage. It appears that your wonderful husband is mentally disturbed which he can't share with anybody and wants his own time to talk to himself. If he wants to sleep in the spare room, let him do so for atleast a couple of weeks. But keep watching him closely, try to figure out what goes wrong with him and try to stand by his side. Indulge him to speak out freely. This may melt the ice.
If I'm not wrong, at this point of time he needs you more than you need him.
Give him some time. Things will hopefully improve.
Wish you all the best.
1 person likes this
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
14 Apr 07
To be honest with you, I sometimes felt that I shouldn't be married, that I'm wasting my chances to be free and single. Usually this happened when I was in deep stressful moments or boredom. I rarely feel like this since I now have my own shop where I need to be creative all the time so there is no chance of boredom or feeling stuck in a place at all. I don't know if your husband cheats on you or not, but it seems most certain that he needs a change. Try every possible way to find out what exactly happens to him, maybe in a simple conversation while watching TV or when you two do groceries together. Even now he sleeps alone, make sure he sleeps comfortably and take care of the house and kids as usual. You have kids and what you've been through together, plus your job/ responsibilities, failures of any kind - all these could build mountains of stress in him without you (or even he) knowing. He avoids counselling, maybe deep inside he sees there is a problem in ME (your husband) but not in US (your relationship). It can also be his ego trying to break free of restraints, let you bear your burden alone etc. This is how I see it, since I've been in his shoes.
@motherof35108 (192)
• United States
14 Apr 07
the only thing that i can tell you is if he does not want to go to counsiling then you go for yourself. just be thier for your husband and be supportive of him do not make him do anything he does not want to do because it will push him away. if he sees you doing things then who knows mabye he will come around and start going with you to counsiling just do not push him.
1 person likes this
@atenibuboy (71)
• Philippines
14 Apr 07
i think your husband is going through a difficult period - maybe he's stressed out, tired, depressed, etc. Sometimes, we say things we really don't mean. Try giving him the space he needs and find ways to discuss it with him when he's in a good mood. Continue being a good housewife to him and a mother to your kids. Don't give up on your marriage yet.
1 person likes this
@youdontsay (3497)
• United States
14 Apr 07
Have you asked him what about being married bothers him? It may be something that could be fixed. He might be feeling overwhelmed and inadequate to the role of husband that he has created in his mind. It may be that his ideas of who he has to be is unrealistic and he needs to have permission to be who he is, that who he is is good enough.
I agree that it would be helpful for you to see a counselor to deal with the feelings and stress of his concerns. Many men go through mid-life struggle to figure out who they are and who they want to be. It isn't unusual. And most men are not willing to admit they have a problem that needs help from a counselor.
You need to be able to discuss his feelings with him. Does he really want to go through the process of a divorce? Or is he just looking for some "space"? What exactly is bothering him?
I know it is hard. I've been there. It didn't work out well for me because I was determined to "save" the marriage. It took me a long time to realize I couldn't do that without his cooperation.
I wish you well.
@youdontsay (3497)
• United States
14 Apr 07
And I think I'd talk to his doctor. It may very well be clinical depression, which is very treatable. You talk to the doctor first, because it doesn't sound like he'd go on his own to talk about depression.
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
14 Apr 07
He sounds very much like my husband. I really don't have any advice, but I definately know how you feel. It does hurt to hear things like that.
I just pray for my husband, I don't want to end my marriage, but I don't like feeling insecure in my relationship with him either.
I can only offer my support to you as someone who knows where you are coming from.
As for counseling, my husband went with me a few times, then he refused to go anymore, the kicker was it was his idea in the first place. I continued to go on my own, and it did help me a lot.
@wachit14 (3595)
• United States
14 Apr 07
If he doesn't want to go to counseling, then I would suggest that you go. It is possible that he really doesn't want to be married anymore, or he could be suffering from depression. Of course, not every marriage ends just because someone is cheating, so I believe that your instincts are accurate. However, he should be checked out by a doctor to make sure there are no underlying medical or mental issues and, like I said, at the very least you should go to counseling on your own to help you deal with whatever he is going through. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@sapphiresage (431)
• United States
15 Apr 07
Contrary to popular belief, marriage isn't for everyone. Some people feel stifled in a marriage, like they lose too much of themselves or their identity.
I know this sounds insane, but try not to take it personally. It doesn't sound like he has any issue whatsoever with YOU, just with being married.
I'd back off and let him have his space. Hovering over him isn't likely to help at all. Neither is getting all up in his face about it.
Ultimately, you have to ask yourself if you want to be in a marriage with a person who doesn't want to be married to you. Can you handle it? It doesn't sound like you can. It may be best to just part ways amicably.
