Do you think it's fair?
By 4cuteboys
@4cuteboys (4099)
United States
April 14, 2007 9:42am CST
My ex husband is the father of my two oldest sons that are 7 1/2 and 5. Well he only see's them like once a year because he is military and lives in Italy, so he is ridiculous when he has them. He had them for spring break, and he took them to disney land and not only that, but bought them everything under the sun there. Then he brought them home, but he is in the area for a couple more days, so yestarday he took them shopping at Gap, Old Navy and Nautica, and carters for pajamas. He spend oer $600. Then he bought them three new pairs of shoes, nike boots, nike sandals and a pair of crocs each. TGI Fridays for dinner, then home at like 10pm. So am I wrong to get a little irritated just because I can't really buy that much at one time for them? I mean he really spoils them when he has them. Then I feel bad because my 2 year old notices this stuff and realizes he didn't get anything. It's all so confusing. Do you think he's going overboard? I mean I appreciate the clothes and stuff he bought enough for the entire summer and then some. How would you feel? It almost makes me feel like a deadbeat because I cant really go out every day and buy them $600 in clothes and go to disney and fridays. Am I just being selfish?
14 people like this
32 responses
@mememama (3076)
• United States
14 Apr 07
I don't think you are being selfish. My mother in law married a man who had two older daughters. He got custody of one of them and she was spoiled rotten by her mother when she had them. At Christmas time, my poor hubby and sister in law would get stuff from the dollar store while this girl was raking in toys. It really affected them because they didn't understand why she had more stuff. But as they got older, they learned the value of the daughter and why their stepsister was spoiled. My mother in law told the ex to back off a bit, but that just made it worse. Your children will realize after awhile why he is doing that. You are not a deadbeat, you are being reasonable with what you do with money. I can't imagine spending that much money on clothing since it seems like they need a bigger size every few months.
3 people like this
@sacmom (14192)
• United States
15 Apr 07
You probably won't like what I have to say, but I think your husband is just making up for 'lost time' with his kids, as he only sees them once a year. I don't really see too much wrong with this, other than your youngest son being left out. You are not being selfish, you are just showing concern for him. Is there a way for your ex to tone it down or include your two year old in some of it, so that he doesn't feel left out? Even though he's not your ex's son, he is your kids half siblings, right? That should count for something. Just my opinion.
2 people like this
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
15 Apr 07
Yes, I agree with you sacmom that if he could take the two year old on some of the things it would not be as hard on her to explain what is happening. A two year old it is hard for them to understand no matter how many times you explain and they feel left out. It is a good opinion too.
@4cuteboys (4099)
• United States
16 Apr 07
Unforutnatly he would never ever do it! He hated that I had more kids, in fact when I was pregnant with the 2 year old he said "well now that you have more kids, you can give me kevin and ethan" um hello dude?? i don't think so! I agree though, my husband and I talked about it before and he always said he would do stuff with my older two in addition to "his" kids with me because it's only fair really!
1 person likes this
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
15 Apr 07
I honestly think he's making up for not seeing his sons. He won't be in Italy forever, so when he comes back to the states, I think this will slow down a bit. Also if you feel weird about what he's doing, just tell him, to cool it a bit. I'm guessing he's an officer, which is the only thing I can come up with regarding a 600 dollar shopping spree. Plus don't forget the military discounts. If not, he's making a lot of money for being over seas as a enlisted.
I always say if it's free and I don't have to pay for it, don't complain. Kids grow fast, when your 2 year old get's at the age of 5. You will have clothes ready to go for him. Same for the 5 year old when he turns 7 1/2 almost 8. Hand me downs aren't all that bad, especially if they are still in good shape, if not they will make great summer play clothes. Tell him to slack off on the spoiling them. He doesn't have to buy there love. He could easily take them to a park and ride bikes, or go to the zoo. Before you say all of that, honestly ask why does he go over board with the boys. See what he says to you.
2 people like this
@KissThis (3003)
• United States
14 Apr 07
I can see both sides to this really. Your ex doesn't get that much time with his boys so what time he does get he is trying to make the best. He wants the boys to have pleasant meomories of him.
I can see your point as well because for the next month or so you are the one who is going to hear all about what dad did.
I adopted two little boys. I allowed their maternal grandmother to remain in their lives. My daughter has often expressed how unfair it is that she buys the boys things but not her. I now buy my daughter a couple of small presents whenever their grandma comes around so that my daughter doesn't feel left out.
2 people like this
@wendee (359)
• Canada
14 Apr 07
Maybe you should take the 2 year out for some special time while he older boys are out for their special time. You dont have to spend a lot but maybe take him to lunch and to buy one special toy just for him! Explain to the older kids whats happening and I sure they will understand why the little one is getting some special mommy time.
My ex take my daughter out sometimes and buys her things and doesnt my other children, but I know that he doesnt do it to intenionally hurt the other kids feels, he just doesnt think about it.
2 people like this
@kishusia (1066)
• India
15 Apr 07
I don't think you are being selfish. In my opinion your husband is being unreasonable. I will even say that he is creating a problem for his sons. He knows that you can not give such luxary to the children, and yet he comes once a year and give them everything under the sky, and then leave them with you where they can't even dream of all those things he bought for them. He also knows about your little one but does not care a bit about him. This is selfishness. He is creating a mental conflict in your house. It is bad.
2 people like this
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
14 Apr 07
Do not for a second compare yourself to your ex. You have to think of this way: you provide for your children and so does he. It doesn't really matter that your youngest cannot have what the others do, because he has the greates gift of all-his parents with him at home. Your older ones are getting spoiled because they only see their dad once a year. AS a parent, there is alot to sacfrice while being in the military, and you kids will grow up not knowing him all that well. Let him take your kids out. Mayeb what you can do for the baby is buy something a little nicer on E-Bay, like a brand new Nike outfit and a new toy. Fairly cheap, but still comparible to what the others have. That way he isn't completely left out of the picture. I will be encountering this problem too, although my ex is not by any means rich and my kids see him all the time. I am pregnant with my 3rd, and this baby's father is all ready out of thepicture. So I will have to provide everything. It isn't even like his dad has any money, or has any desire to better himself to be a good father though anyway. Long struggle up ahead for me too....
1 person likes this
@smacksman (6053)
•
15 Apr 07
Carry on making replies like that don and you won't make 20 posts.
You get a [-] and a [!] from me.
2 people like this
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
15 Apr 07
donguitgod---What kind of a response is that! She is asking for responses that are helpful not rude. The foul language is not nice at all. People come to these discussions for help and also a little compassion. That response shows somewhat of what you are like. Not nice at all. Give this women a break. She is truly conserned and is just wanting some appropriate opinions.
@lloydanthony111 (4698)
• United States
15 Apr 07
Wow. Where did that reply come from? Some people are just plain nuts. I don't think he will make it to 20 posts either.
Anyway as far as you feeling like a deadbeat mom, that is the furthest thing from the truth.
The children might not notice it now, but when they are grown, they will realize who spent the real quality time with them while they were growing up.
Right now it may seem like Christmas everytime your husband comes home to the children. But they realize who takes care of them and nutures them when he's gone.
Don't worry about a thing. You are doing a great job.
Lloyd
2 people like this
@emisle (3822)
• Ireland
15 Apr 07
I can understand why he goes overboard. He only sees his kids once a year and if he had them all year round I'm sure the total amount spent on food etc would be far greater than what he spends on them on that short time he has them. I'd prob do the same thing if that were me because I would want to make up for being away.
Don't feel bad, I'd choose my family over gifts anyday and you're there for your kids all year round..:)
1 person likes this
@KrisNY (7590)
• United States
16 Apr 07
Oh that has to be hard for your 2 year old... It will only get harder as your 2 year old gets older and realizes more-
But think of it this way- How much do you buy and what fun things do you all do together throughout the year?? He sees them once a year-- He probably saves up money to do this- Also he wants them to remember the fun times with him so he makes them extra special fun! It's ok to do this- he is there dad.. let him have his time with them-- Let him do what he chooses as long as the kids are safe... Your boys will remember all the fun things and all the times you were there for them all throughout the years-- and remember dad only once a year-
1 person likes this
@galatea (686)
• Philippines
15 Apr 07
You didn't tel us how your ex husband acted through all this but in my honest opinion I think he is just trying to catch up with your children. He can't be with them always so whenever he gets the chance, he puts all of his resources into it hoping, perhaps, that in his absence, the memories and the material things he has given to the children will at least make them remember him. I am sure that you have spent more then $600 on your children every year, your ex husband is just trying to squeeze everything he can into the limited period of time that he can spend with them.
@AngelNicki (412)
• United States
16 Apr 07
You may not be able to go out everyday and buy them $600 worth of clothes,,, but you're the one who is there 365 days of the year taking care of their basic needs, helping them with their schoolwork, hugging them when they're upset, buying their favorite breakfast cereals, etc, etc, etc. In the end your kids will remember a lifetime of great things you did for them, and a handful of really extravagant blowouts their dad did for them.
The one good thing about that is that at least in his own way he is showing his kids that he loves them. That one week has to last the kids all year, so he probably wants to make the best of it. Let them have it.
Spend that time doing special things with your youngest child so he doesn't feel as left out. You may also want to give your older kids some extra money so that they can get their baby brother something while they are out with their dad! Or even speak to their dad and point out that, although the two-year-old isn't his, that's his children's baby brother and therefore a very important person in the children's lives. Suggest that their dad allow the older boys to pick out a few things to give to their baby brother.
Good luck!
1 person likes this
@serena_wai (970)
• Malaysia
16 Apr 07
I think it is not unfair. Father being not around for 363 days, maybe he just wanna best use his 3 days with the kids. Don't feel bad about it.
May be send him a card, written something like you are glad that kids are having fun with him, kids already have a room full of clothes and toys, dinner and themeparks are already great for them.
I wish you all the best! Your baby looks cute in the photo.
@little_angel (2458)
• Australia
16 Apr 07
Maybe he just want to make your sons happy, he doesn't seen his sons one a year.
Try to make all your sons understand, that is just a give and they can do it everyday.
They will understand about that.And for your youngest son, just give him a little gift to can make him happy.
However he is the father or your son.
@prashantrjp (275)
• India
15 Apr 07
u shud try to tackle it it a humble way...if u bend first the other do reprocates u...
1 person likes this
@pumpkinjam (8769)
• United Kingdom
15 Apr 07
You're not being selfish. Yes it's great for the kids to have all this stuff but your younger child won't understand why he's not getting the same and your older kids might not understand why or how daddy can do all this with them but you can't. Tell your ex how you feel as, to me, it seems you feel bad that you can't keep up. If he insists on spending all that much, could you ask him to maybe limit the spending and/or set up a trust fund for each child so he can put at least some of the money away for them. Or you could ask him to give you a little of the money and spread it out through the year rather than spoil the kids all at once.
He will not do them any good in the end if he keeps spoiling them like that, they'll come to expect it and then there'll come a day when he can't do it any more and the kids won't want to know him because they will think he's only there for money.
1 person likes this
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
15 Apr 07
maybe your just a little bit jealous on him especially on the spending spree part..your afraid that maybe someday the children will like to live more on their father because hes spoiling them and think that he really is best or better than you..anyway just think that its one way of covering the days your ex- not present i to attend to the children coz of the location..jsut made sure that you have explain this to your children about the situation especially on the spending..
@smacksman (6053)
•
15 Apr 07
Your ex#1 obviously loves his children when he sees them and naturally spoils them. But does he maintain contact with them the rest of the year? Letters, emails, birthday cards, or is it a one week blitz?
@assertive (44)
• United States
15 Apr 07
You are not selfish but you are not looking at the situation in the right perspective. Since he was able to spend so much money, enjoy the good time your children had and the clothes they got. You, on your side try to do the right thing and live according to your means. It is not shameful and you don't have to envy him because it can make you feel tense and unhappy. Be happy for your little ones because he took care of them.
Life is unfair but we must squeeze the best part.
1 person likes this
@liranlgo (5752)
• Israel
15 Apr 07
Well, he does see them only once a year, and he seems like a wonderful person that loves them very much, and tries to make up for the lost time. i think he is alright. and that you can not compare his situation to yours, you are the mother, whole year long, they see as the mother, they see him as a guest, or a rich uncle that comes once a year, i really think that you should let him do what ever he wants, your boys are enjoying themselves once a year, why not? and do not compare or feel guilty, because you are giving them something far more important them money once a year, you are giving them your life, your love, you educate them, you give them a home. well you give them everything.
@rony1989 (22)
• India
15 Apr 07
nothing in the world to a child means more than is mothers love. you have got the best part dear, you are a mother and a woman apart, who knows to love more than anything else in the world. ya ex husband buy loads for the kids just cause he loves them and have got every right to express his love. he lives away from them for months n years so he tries to comfort them in every manner he think he can. there is nothing to be afraid about. think positively, you surely can understand him.
1 person likes this
