I'm having trouble trusting my husband sometimes...
By Anakata2007
@Anakata2007 (1785)
Canada
April 14, 2007 9:00pm CST
I'v been married less than 3 years, and been with my husband for almost 5 years. He's very moral and open and tells me everything he feels and out of every man I'v ever been with I really should trust him. I feel bad, but I'v always had trouble trusting any man I'v ever had a reltionship with. It didn't help when I was cheated on by my ex fiancé but honestly, I even had trouble trusting men, before that...
Does anyone one else out there have that problem? Or is there anyone who totally doesn't have that problem? If so, how do you do it, and how can I do it to? I know it's normal for men to look at other women, but when I catch my husband doing it (which isn't often) I feel so sad inside and feel like I'm not making him happy. I also worry that he will not be able to control himself if an attractive woman came onto him. Whenever I mention this to him, he just laughs and says that things like that NEVER happen, except on TV and that I have an overactive imagination, but it CAN happen, and how do I know he could resist? Being married is so scary sometimes, because my whole life is dependant on my husband being faithful. We have a nice house, a good lifestyle, a secure life and I like to think that this is where I will be forever, but if he cheats, all that will change. How can I relax about this?
8 people like this
18 responses
@Anakata2007 (1785)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Try not to let your (ex?) husbands actions with your friend affect how you feel about love in general. That must have been a hard hit to take especially when you did trust him, but I still believe in love and still believe that there are mostly good people out there.
@easyzheng (666)
• China
15 Apr 07
BigMumu is right that nothing or nobody is 100% secure. I used to firmly believe that my hubby was loyal to me and loved me only because he looked and sounded like a real gentleman until one day I found a SMS that one of my good friend sent to him with some sweet words and he did not deny his good feeling to her, my belief in him was totally destroied. What's worse, I no longer believe true and permanent love.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
15 Apr 07
I tend to wonder what my husband is up to. I don't believe he would cheat. He was cheated on by an ex fiance, so he knows how much it hurts. And when he says he wouldn't cheat. I believe him. At least on an intellectual level. But I have to be honest, when his cell phone rings and he dives for it before I can grab it and hand it to him, or he says he needs to go run an errand but doesnt say where or what for, I find myself wondering. Again, on an intellectual level, I realistically know that there really isn't time in his day to be cheating, but I have been cheated on before, and so I am just naturally curious about it when things seem sketchy to me.
I basically remind myself that I am my own person. I was a person before I met him, and I was a happy individual and knew what I wanted out of life. I thought he was it. If for some reason that turns out to be untrue, then I will have to chalk it up as a learning experience and continue on my way down the path I have chosen in life, hopefully making a better choice next time.
1 person likes this
@mesabrewer (39)
• United States
15 Apr 07
Ok I am a husband. I want to give another point of view.I married my wife on 12\21\2001, we are best friends.I have known her since 1984. We were one and off for many years before we decided it was time. I was actualy married for 8 years before we got back togeather.I will honestly say that I would have cheated on my first wife. I would not cheat now.
The diference is I did not truely love my first wife. I do truly love my wife now,I don't even think love is the driveing factor I think it is respect. The combination of both is inseperable. Spend some time alone with no distractions , just talk, it does wonders for a relationship if it dos'nt then maybe there is no relationship. Relationships are hard, marriges take work, do what you can It took me 10 plus years to kmow what was wright. Good luck I hope it works out for you.
@Anakata2007 (1785)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
The scary thing about that is that how do we know if our husbands feel the way you did about your first wife, or the way you do about your second wife? We can only believe what they tell us. Which is good enough most days but then you have the days where you have no faith in anything.
@dcroome2005 (1210)
• United States
15 Apr 07
I'm so with you on this. Because of what my ex husband did to me , I have a hard time trusting my husband now. I know he loves me but there is always this doubt in the back of my mind. It CAN happen. Yeah, I watch too much tv myself . I am constantly checking his emails and his phone. He knows I do this and he is ok with it. He says he has nothing to hide. I then wonder if he has another email account that I don't know about. It is always in my mind but I don't always share it with him. My whole life is dependent on my husband too. It sucks, but it's true. I have my own business and it's starting to pick up, but if he were to leave me right now, I would have to go back to living with my parents at the age of 29. That would SUCK. I think sometimes that women who don't have careers or jobs outside of the house and are basically housewives can be S.O.L when it comes to a divorce. Know what I mean???
1 person likes this
@Anakata2007 (1785)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
sorry that youre feeling the same as me, because I think it's a sh1tty way to feel. I know what you mean about thinking "does he have another email account?". My husband also seems like yours and is very patient with my insecurities and worries, but I think his patience will wear thin, so I try to keep most of it inside. I don't feel physically dependant on him, and that helps, but I feel emotionally dependant on him, like if he cheated on me, it would break my heart so much, that I think I would need to take a few months off work before I could face going out into the world again.
@kynni204 (2031)
• United States
16 Apr 07
Girlfriend...girlfriend, girlfriend. Have you ever heard "what you fear will come upon you" and also "what you think about you bring about"? You are sbsolutely putting too much energy in worring about him deciding to cheat one day. RELAX!! I know men cheat. I have been cheated on several times.
The truth is you worrying and playing "eye-spy" will ultimately make you physically sick. You remind me of my husband. He is always accusing me. And he is the one that cheated. You can not make someone be faithful to you. Either he is or he is not whether you are "pleasing" him or not. Don't make yourself "sick" worrying about if he is going to cheat one day. Just cool out until you catch him.
If you catch him then cut his throat in his sleep...just kidding...lol
1 person likes this
@rubiana6 (270)
• Brazil
15 Apr 07
well, in one way you never can trust 100 percent any person. do you trust yourself? are you 100 percent sure you will never be unfaithful? i dont turst my husband 100 perecent, i dont trust myself 100 percent. but i relax and make myself no head about this. This is life and you never know how the things are and will be. if you would trust totally this also would mean you would let yourself go, dont care about yourself anymore and dont care about your husband. Its good to be a little bit afraid you can lose your husband again, so you feel the need that you have to do something for your marriage every day. But if you trust your husband too less, like it seems you do, then its a problem, i have to agree, but i think the problem is yourself and not your husband. you have to learn to become more selfconfident. look in the mirror every morning and say to yourself how lucky hour husband is to have such a great sexy woman like you. he would be more than stupid to cheat on you.
@curvychick77 (1084)
• United States
16 Apr 07
I've been married almost 5 years, in fact, it will be 5 years in June. I know how you feel, I sometimes feel the exact way you do. But you have to remember that he loves you, sometimes guys do things, like look, and it is ok to look, but if he loves you enough he will never do anything to hurt you. My husband is very open and honest with me, and if you are your husband are the same way, you need to keep that up. With your past experience I can understand because the same happend to me, but you know what, sometimes you have to learn to relax. Remember this, he loves you no matter what. Trust what he tells you, and be happy. You are still worried about the past, but remember he is now your future. Live life, and enjoy one another. Don't be too quick to judge, that happens to me, but the way I relax is, think of all the fun times you have together, think of something you both can do together in the future, whether it be a trip, or a movie, or even a vacation. If you think of it in those terms you will relax, it works for me. Trust what he tells you, and if you are still a bit uneasy then you should let him know. Sometimes you have to let things out and if you tell him how you feel he may reassure you that things are ok. I wish nothing but the best for you.
@Stiletto (4579)
•
15 Apr 07
Unless he has given you reason not to trust him (and it sounds like that isn't the case) then you are obviously very insecure and that's what you need to work on instead of worrying about what your husband might or might not do at some time in the future. Work on developing your own self-confidence and self-esteem and find things to occupy your mind rather than letting your imagination run riot. The danger of you not trusting your husband and questioning his faithfulness is that it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've known a few relationships where one partner has obsessed so much over the possibility of the other having an affair that it ends up being exactly what happens.
It sounds like you have a good husband and basically a good relationship. It would be a shame to spoil it over "what ifs".
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45940)
• United States
15 Apr 07
My mother was in a relationship with a great guy. They were together all the time. He was very doting and caring. She constantly accused him of cheating on her or that he was thinking of other women. This drove a huge wedge between them and cause a great deal of bitterness and eventually the relationship ended.
Trust is a hard thing to build in relationships. When you have been fried in the past it is especially hard to trust again. Don't expect the worst to happen in your marriage. It only sets you on a tailspin. Enjoy the time you spend with your husband. Put the past behind you. Breathe.
1 person likes this
@mansha (6298)
• India
15 Apr 07
I have no problems trusting my hubby hundred percent.I think its insecurity in couples that make them cheat. If you are a secure person yourself you will never suspect your partner of cheating good or bad experiences do happen but they should not make us change our policy. I think mistrust needs just a small seed of doubt to grow in a full tree.I have decided that I will let people fool me rather than I go doubting everyone's intentions. Till date no one has taken advantage of that. I am not sure why but they have not.
My hubby knows I trust him completely and the day I find out he has cheated will be the day I walk out of his life with no explanations from him. I know if I do that he will do the same s there is no question of tyhat happening ever unless we want to get rid of each other and if either of us want that then there is no point in staying in the relationship.
Thats my philosophy but I think its rare to find such clear cut views and honesty that we both share.
1 person likes this
@taxuexunmei (22)
• China
15 Apr 07
now the world is open,and the people are all open too.
you allow them do this,but you can not probit them other actions.
so you should feel relax about yourselves.
i wish you get well along with your life.
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
15 Apr 07
I guess most women has this kind of feeling towards their hubbies I really do not know why but of course your experience with your exes and everything made you to be like this. So don't feel bad if you do feel that way. The only thing that you do is control your emotions and if you suspect something make sure you have enough evidence to prove what you feel if not find a way to know if your feelings are worth entertaining or not. If proven to be true confront him and let him air his side if its not true then laugh at yourself and charged it to experience. :D
1 person likes this
@marief2rnurse (2704)
• United States
15 Apr 07
It's normal to feel the way you do but you have to stop yourself from feeling that way. It's not good to be negative. You are married and if he is open with you, you should not worry. I was the same way the first 2 years of my live-in relationship with my man. I lost him for a year and if I hadn't lost him, I would not have changed for the better. Past is past and you are no longer with a cheater. Before this guy I was with a cheater. I never imagined this guy could ever cheat on me but he did. With the new guy, he was open to me about his past relationships and I was always jealous and bringing up the past. Only causing fights and petty childish things. Live your life happily now and trust your husband. Being negative isn't going to produce anything positive at all. Trust me. Live you day as if it's always the last and show your love and respect for each other.
1 person likes this
@charlestchan (1415)
• Malaysia
15 Apr 07
actually.. nobody is qualified enough to give opinion to you.. you should know your husband the best.. he's your husband isn't it? i think you should know him more than all of us here.. you trusted him.. that's why you're his wife now isn't it? :) ... why don't you trust your husband then? you made your decision already... so.. don't doubt it.. but always make it better =)
1 person likes this
@sksanghani (1)
• India
15 Apr 07
no don't ever think that u cant trust a man ,,,
men aren't always bad and the good thing is that yr husband is open to everything u need to sit with him and have a serious talk...
that what is going on in yr mind and also what is going on in his and by the way let me tell you that never have that insecurity that your husband might fall on to someone because it is very rare when he is satisfied and happy you . For you not losing your husband you only need to do a few things one is that u need to have a mature talk with him and also dont feel shy to say anything to him because as u say tht he is free so he will readily accept your suggestions so be tension free and start a new life with yr husband afresh and leave the past expieriences behind as a new day is totally new..
so stop feeling shy and be bbold and free
1 person likes this
@healwell (1268)
• Ahmedabad, India
15 Apr 07
I can put here one simple sentence that who is not able to trust herself / himself, can not trust any body!
It means that who is not trusting anybody has a problem with life and one's own self! There is only one way to deal with this matter with a courrage!
@adicsen (32)
• India
15 Apr 07
I'm not a married person.But in my view if u get these thoughts then u should change his mind by taking him to the prayers n while he looks to other women then u try to disturb him by adjusting his dress r just telling that what is your plans for this n that.So by this man can change.Another one is u have to be seen so special to him in dressing n food n ur activities so the man can change.,So U also dont be exited always leave once r twice while he was seeing.,Bye take care.,
@sanyah1988 (306)
• United States
16 Apr 07
I had a fiance' and we went through the same thing the only differene was he told me and after the fact he left me to be with her and a month later she sent him back and a second after he came back I sent him packing I never recycle my men and no one out there should either. If you feel as though he is heating on you. Do not be played leave.
@sanyah1988 (306)
• United States
16 Apr 07
I had a fiance' and we went through the same thing the only differene was he told me and after the fact he left me to be with her and a month later she sent him back and a second after he came back I sent him packing I never recycle my men and no one out there should either. If you feel as though he is heating on you. Do not be played leave.
