hurt by the one you love
By syndibee
@syndibee (799)
United States
April 14, 2007 10:45pm CST
i'm not even sure what i'm wanting to say here so this post may sound like rambling while i sort through my thoughts, i would love input no matter what on whatever it is i write in these lines.
my husband and i have been married for just over 2 years now and we have a 1 yr old son. i love my husband very much and i support him as much as possible. i don't degrade him in any ways and when he does something that angers me i generally will simmer myself down first before discussing what it is that has made me angry.
our son is learning to walk and to climb and he's into everything...he falls. i was talking on the phone today to a prospective employer for a nanny position and my husband had the baby down in the basement with him. he decided to bring the baby upstairs to me and i noticed that he needed a diaper change so i put him on my bed (i'm still on the phone) and proceeded to go get a fresh diaper...yes i made a mistake, i left the baby on my bed unattended and he fell off. of course he started screaming and i scooped him up checking him for bumps and bruises as i'm telling the woman on the phone i must be going. well my husband comes upstairs in the meantime and starts yelling at me for leaving the baby alone while i'm yammering on the phone and i know better and he grasps the baby from my arms and goes back down stairs. i am off the phone by this point and just flabberghasted. he took the baby away from me like if i'm not competent enough to care for him. the baby still hasn't had the diaper change that i was originally going for and my husband never once noticed this baby had diarrhea on his poor bottom. he would have never noticed, he just doesn't think to check that diaper. i went back downstairs to continue with the diaper change and of course i get yelled at again and i feel like crap already.
now we'll backtrack.... a few weeks ago i decided to go shopping and i left the baby with my husband. when i got home about 2 hours later the baby had fallen off the couch and got a bruise on his head. i got yelled at because i had moved our floor mat away from in front of the couch and the baby got hurt...well before i left i had told my husband i had moved the floor mat and told him why and the baby was still using it in the other position. i expected he would acknowledge that i TOLD him it was moved and why i even went thru telling him. no it was all my fault that time that the baby got hurt as well because i moved the mat.
now i worry. this baby is only one year old. what will happen if a major injury happens at any point in this babies life???? such as a broken bone, what if one day he comes home from school and is riding his bike and falls while his daddy is at work and i'm home with him. will his dad stand beside me in the hospital as the bone is set??? or will he be yelling at me for letting him get hurt and will i be standing alone trying to deal with the pain of a hurt child and the pain of an accusing husband at the same time??? i don't ever purposely let this child get hurt and i really don't know how to tell his dad of my fears here. i hope and pray something major never happens but what if it does? i really picture myself leaning on the man i love if something traumatic were to happen and how would i be able to cope if i couldn't lean on him because he's blaming me for the trauma??? i feel so absolutely alone right now and this was just a minor incident. yes he did apologize to me but it doesn't hurt any less now. the fact is that he turns on me when i feel that i would need him and i don't know how to take that.
4 people like this
8 responses
@Chowdhary (40)
• India
15 Apr 07
hi,
look am not married and i don ve any kids.
but i will speak wat i think is right and u decide.
firstly, i think ur relationship before the kid was born was great. now once the baby came into ur lives u have changed from a happy go lucky girlfried and a lover to a mother first and u give the baby top priority.
initially he loved the fact that his son got a great mum but as days went by he started to realize u are jus one person-the mother in the house.
i bet ur issue should get resolved once u start makin some time for just the both of u...leave the kid at a play school or ur parent's house or just hire a sitter and cook him some dinner...make a date...go out for maybe a movie...make out in the backseat and kill me if it wont work...
and please ur guys seems to be a nice guy but just a bit worn out...imagine his life going from parties to diapers overnight...come on give him some credit and give him some attention too...he's begging for it...and that will also help u relax and u can be a happier mom that way..
wishin u the best of life..
take care
2 people like this
@syndibee (799)
• United States
15 Apr 07
thank you for your response.
i do love him greatly and take pleasure in his companionship. i know he loves me the same and our son.
i just really don't know how to take being blamed for injuries and i worry that he yells at me when they happen and i feel so bad anyways instead of giving me the hug that i really need at that time.
i know i need to discuss this with him somehow, without trying to attack him in any way and maybe some more alone time would help in sealing our support for eachother as a couple so we can be parents united.
@mom_of_2 (398)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not the only one who goes through this with their husband. Every time one of my kids gets an injury I get put in the hot seat. I've come to the conclusion that when a child gets hurt, no matter how bad...the mom is to blame. I think thats because of 2 reasons.
1. Right from birth, when our children get a a cold, get a stomach ache or a bruise mothers blame themselves. We say things like..."I wish I hadn't..." or "Darn, I know better" and "you know, if I wasn't on the phone...that wouldn't have happened". Because we already blame ourselves, that's allowing others to blame us too.
2. When ever there is a crisis, it is human reaction to "blame " someone. Typically woman are the nurturing ones so we blame ourselves...men on the other hand just don't know how to deal with emotions. Just like moms, dads hurt when their kids get hurt. They know they're not to blame, its not the childs fault soooo..gotta blame mom.
All I can offer for advice is do what I do. Keep telling yourself that at least he cares about his child and ALWAYS remember that you are an awsome mom. Bottom line accidents will happen. NO child has grown up with bruises, goose eggs, and broken limbs. You can't put your child in a bubble, the best we can do is kiss away the owies and cry when no one is looking.
As for your worries about a major accident happening...I don't think it will matter what your hubby says to you in that situation...you'll already be blaming yourself and I think as moms we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be.
No doubt your hubby was out of line but like you said , he apologized. No it doesn't make you feel better but I think you would feel worse if he never.
Good luck in your search for a nanny...and remember, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOM!
Hugs.
1 person likes this
@lucky_witch (2707)
• Philippines
15 Apr 07
Hi...Im a mother of two...
WEll thats really sad... sometimes men depend on us more when it comes to child care... and he expect that everything we do we would think of the benefit of our kids... without thinking of what really happens... you could not expect your partner to be perfect... try to understand that maybe he loves your son so much that he panic evrytime that something bad happen to him...
I think you should talk to him about this matter and explain your side. I bet he dont mean hurting you...Let him know that you care for your son as much as he care for him too.. youre the mother and there is nothing you would intentionally that would harm the baby... sometimes accidents happen...and instead of blaming each other better take it as lesson... and the next time you both will be more careful...
Its normal that your kid will get hurt esp when he learns to walk...climbing here and there... but make the place that he play safe enough for him...Dont worry, in time your child will learn to be more careful by himself... right now... he depends on you.
1 person likes this
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
16 Apr 07
Well, he shouldn't be shouting at you all the time. Taking care of the baby is a job for BOTH of you. You should be helping each other, not blaming each other.
@browneyedgirl (1264)
• United States
16 Apr 07
It sounds like a serious heart to heart talk is called for here. It also sounds like there may be some stress going on - does your husband always overreact to things? When was the last time you had a night out-just the two of you? Perhaps some time away will help you both relax so that you can discuss your feeling. Best wishes.
@rzmaknojia (94)
• Pakistan
15 Apr 07
hmmm no my friend she cant even hurt me because she love me as much as i love her we both love together ;)
1 person likes this
@lovespecialangel (3632)
• United States
15 Apr 07
I have three kids and each one of them has fallen out of bed when they were babies. It happens. Accidents are going to happen. Children and babies are going to get hurt. It's no one's fault. It's apart of life. I don't think it's right of your husband to yell at you and blame you everytime the baby gets hurt. Like you said when you went to town and the baby fell off the couch and got hurt. When he started yelling at you, you should have asked him why he left the baby unattended on the couch. You are not to blame when you're child gets hurt. I know we blame ourselves, but that doesn't give anyone else the right to blame us. You are a great mom and don't let anyone else tell you any different. You should sit down with your husband and talk to him about the way you are feeling. Let him know you don't approve of the way he acts when the baby gets hurt. That you know it hurts him too when the baby gets hurts. But that doesn't give him the right to verbably and emotionally abuse you. And yes, that's what he's doing. Sounds like he needs to come to grips with the fact that not everything has to be blamed on someone. Just whatever you do, don't let ANYONE make you feel like you are a bad mom. YOU'RE NOT!! YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!!
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
16 Apr 07
My husband yelled at me when my five year old granddaughter fell off the couch because she was jumping around, and I had happened to walk into the other room to get something.
I yelled right back at him.
For one thing, kids get hurt, that's a given, they fall, they bump themselves, accidents happen.
Another thing, you can't possibly watch them every second of the day.
Apparently from what you have written the baby got hurt while in your hubby's care, and he still blamed it on you.
I would ask him, is this what I should expect from you every time baby gets hurt?
It's a blame game that shouldn't be played, and your hubby sounds way overprotective.
Yes, we should protect our kids as much as we can, especially when they are little, but we can't possibly protect them from everything.
Another thing that occurs to me, is that maybe when your baby gets hurt, your husband gets so scared that he doesn't know how to deal with it so he blames you as a coping measure, it still doesn't make it right, but maybe this is something you can bring up to him.
