My Husband Didn't Come Home Friday Night..
By dfinster
@dfinster (3528)
United States
April 16, 2007 4:24pm CST
My husband works at a day job from 5 am until 2:30 in the afternoon. He also has his own business on the side. He's a very good carpenter who is never in need of additional work. I'm used to him being gone until after supper while he's working a lot of nights, but last Friday he pulled something that I never thought he would do.
On Friday afternoon he called me after he got done at his day job. He told me he was going to pick up some quipment he needed for a job he was doing in a nearby town. He was working for people that we know. Anyhow, evreything was fine when we talked and he told me he would be home shortly after dark. I said that was great and the he told me he loved me like he always does.
Well, 7:00 came around and he wasn't home. I didn't think anything of it because he's a workaholic by nature ad there's nothing odd about him working late. 10:00 came and went and I thought that maybe he was over at a friends house for the weekly card game he plays in once in a while. I got tired and went to bed, it was no big deal because we didn't have any plans. I woke up at 3 a.m. and he wasn't home. I started to panic immediately. I tried calling his cell phone and it rang and rang with no answer. I stayed up the rest of the night worried sick. By 8 am. I called my SIL and told her he wasn't home and that I couldn't reach him on his cell which is very odd. She started to worry and then we started to call all of our friends. Nobody had seen him and couldn't believe he didn't come home. I called the people he worked by the night before and they told me he left at 6 pm to do a short job nearby but they didn't know the name of the people.
At 9:00 we called the police and filled out a missing persons report. I was worried that he was killed in an accident because he still wasn't answering his phone. Not even when all his friends tried calling him. By this time everybody was terrified and we had no ohter thought than he was in an accident and couldn't reach his phone for help. I was hysterical.
Then at 11 am my cell rang and it was him. He said he was at a buddy's house from work and they were drinking and he fell asleep and just woke up now. He said he was sorry. After I felt relief that he was fine I got extremely angry and asked him what he was thinking to do something like that. He told me it was stupid to think he had an accident and asked why I'd even hink that. I was upset and hurt by his attitude. He's kept that same attitude ever since Sat. when he came home.
Was I wrong to be so upset? What do I say to him? I don't think there's any excuse in the world that's good enough for what he did. He had everyone that knew him terrified and then blew it off like it was no big deal. How do I handle this?
21 people like this
58 responses
@KissThis (3003)
• United States
16 Apr 07
If this is something he don't ordinarily do I would explain to him that is why I was so worried. Point out that you wasn't the only one that was worried. I have also asked if I was to do the same thing would you not be so worried about me? If they say no that is when you wait a week or two and stay the night at you SIL house without telling him.Wait till about noon and call him similar to what he did.
5 people like this
@trinidadvelasco (11401)
• Philippines
16 Apr 07
I hope that it is not so. I'd rather entertain the idea that it was indeed a drinking spree that he got into.
4 people like this
@KrisNY (7590)
• United States
16 Apr 07
Wow--- OK so he did make a mistake-- I would have been real upset too-- He did call and tell you in the morning- I think you 2 need to talk it over- Explain to him that he has never not come home before-- And that it made you very worried- He can say it is silly to worry about an accident- But explain that its just what you thought- And ask him to always call next time if he plans on going and having a drink with the buddies- Not to check in--- like you are his mom-- But to be considerate so you don't worry- Just be sure to keep calm during the conversation- If you are calm then hopefully he will be and you will get yourpoint across!
@dfinster (3528)
• United States
17 Apr 07
I talked to his friends and none of them know where he was either. They were all out looking and calling too. He does this kind of stuff all the time. He's never been out all night though. Everyone in the family and all of our friends know that he's completely inconsiderate when it comes to being on time and things like that.
1 person likes this
@trinidadvelasco (11401)
• Philippines
16 Apr 07
Since it is the first time ever that this has happened, I would be worried sick, too. Your husband must see your point. It is only natural for you to be concerned because, he is your partner for life. I think that it will do much good for the relationship if you make him understand about your reaction to the incident. There is a need for you to exert some efforts to erase the cloud in your relationship before it gets worse.
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
16 Apr 07
i think you were completely right to be so upset. if it were me and my husband took that attitude i would think that he was cheating on me honestly. if what he said is really what happened i would expect him to be very sorry especially since he scared you and his sister so much. the fact that is instead got angry and said you were stupid for worrying makes me wonder.
@oldboy46 (2129)
• Australia
17 Apr 07
Okay so he keeps busy and works plus has his own business on the side ... but he still has a family and you were right to be worried. If he really loved you ... he would have phoned to say I am going to see my mate "fred" and we might have a couple of drinks but I will be home late tonight. So you might not have been happy ... but you wouldn't be concerned so early in the night and gone to bed. When you woke up ... you might have been concerned but thought he had a couple too many and so spend the night at his mates place.
Now, if you know the mate that is okay ... was this person one of the friends that you called? Why didn't he call you from the friends place where he was working?
Sounds like he has more than work on the side to me ... and if he is trying to make you feel like the guilty one in this ... then it is more than likely because he feels guilty about something. My ex used to do that .. and so have several friends (both male and female) found the same has happened to them when their wife/husband has been busy elsewhere. Did he appear to be hung over when he arrived home, or that he had a heavy night drinking?
Tell him that in future if he is going to be late ... then he must phone you to let you know. That doesn't mean that he is telling you the truth of course ... but at least you will know. sorry, think he has something going on the side.
@oldboy46 (2129)
• Australia
18 Apr 07
Yeah well I didn't think my ex would do such a thing either ... and only found out because my mother had seen her with another bloke a couple of times while I was away driving. My ex thought my mother would tell me .. so she got in early and told me I had to leave because I was no good. Later heard she had been playing around with a couple of blokes before this last one that cause the split. Good luck and be alert but make sure you know all the facts before saying or doing anything. No point in accusing him without some concrete proof ... next time he is going to do some work for people you know ... go with him.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
17 Apr 07
That was incredibly insensitive of him to do this. After had a few drinks with his mate, he should have rung to say that he would be late, or may even stay overnight at his friends.
To be honest, he should have stuck to what he told you in the earlier phone call & come straight home after his other job.
I would do & think exactly the same if my huasband didn't arrive home on time.
I don't really know what you can do about it, except either yourself or one of his family explain to him why so many people got so upset.
2 people like this
@dfinster (3528)
• United States
17 Apr 07
I know there isn't anythin that I can actually "do" but my SIL was here when he got home and she told him how crappy what he did was. He just blows it off. He does that no matter who's talking to him about anything. He acts completely ignorant and thinks he's right and didn't do anything wrong.
@jennybeans (912)
• United States
17 Apr 07
I think you reacted the way anyone with feelings would have reacted, and since he wasn't the one having to go through it, his detachment from it seems normal, though a tad bit callous. I wouldn't accuse him of anything uncouth, but I would be one my guard for a bit to make sure he didn't do anything that thoughtless again. If he's never done anything like that before, I don't know that you should really hold it against him. Especially if under regular circumstances you would trust him, and it seems like you do, as you called the police, not his friends.
2 people like this
@nicolec (2671)
• United States
16 Apr 07
You have every right to feel the way you did. Especially if this is not his normal behavior. He not only got you upset but he worried his friends and his sister. I would explain to him that if he wishes to go on drinking binges with his buddies, he should at least have the courtesy to tell you up front. That if you had known where he was you would have been ok with it. See men don't think this way. Sorry guys, but you don't. I have the same problems with my boyfriend. I call it disrespect.
3 people like this
@nicolec (2671)
• United States
17 Apr 07
My boyfriend does the same thing. Thinks I overreact if he doesn't call. I tell him he doesn't have to call everytime he decides to take a piss, but if he's going to be out late, then yes I would like a phone call. It's common courtesy. But most men think it's use being 'controling'.
@awonderfullife (2893)
• United States
16 Apr 07
He sounds like a normally repsonsible man, so this behavior is indeed odd. You have every right to be upset-- and suspicious. We all want to trust our spouse, but what he did is pretty bad-- making you worry all night. I would have been a wreck! And I've been there, believe me. His defensive attitude is also odd. If it were me I would think there is more to it. Me ex husband pulled the same stunt and he was having an affair. Of course that doens't mean your man is-- and I hope he's not-- but it's a red flag that I would keep an eye on. Good luck, dfinster-- you don't deseve to worry and I hope it was all just a bad judgment on your hubby's part!
3 people like this
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
17 Apr 07
This was VERY wrong of your husband to do and even worse that he doesn't understand why you (and everyone else) was so worried and scared.
My ex-hubby had a habit of doing this or something similar all the time. It got to the point that everytime he left the house I knew he wouldn't be back when he said he would. When it first started though I always thought the worst. I would sit there and wait for THAT phone call to tell me something horrible had happened. Then after awhile I suspected he was up to something. He might have been, he might not have been. I don't know and at this point I really don't care. We got divorced for several reasons, this being one of them.
If this was strictly a one time thing with your husband, I'd just explain again why you were worried and tell him to not do that again without at least calling you first so you aren't worried. That's just common courtesy. If he still questions your reasons, ask him what if something had been wrong with you like you had gotten sick or hurt and no one knew where he was or could reach him.
If he makes a habit out of doing this to you, I'd step back and take a look at your marriage and maybe even consider counseling. This kind of behavior (when done repeatedly) shows a lack of respect and concern for you. Even done once is disrespectful but won't have the same long term effects as it would if done constantly.
As tempting as it is, don't "disappear" just to get even. That will most likely start a vicious cycle of "score keeping" and will do no good what so ever for your marriage. Trust me, I did that to my husband and it was one of the worst mistakes I could have made.
I wish you lots of luck with this and hope that soon he sees your side so you can both move on with a better understanding of each other.
2 people like this
@dfinster (3528)
• United States
17 Apr 07
I wouldn't go and do anyhting like staying out all night. I won't behave that way because it's nothing but destructive and it's just not "me." I have my daughter to be concerned with too. Thankfully she was sleeping over at a friends house when this happened.
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
16 Apr 07
I think you have every right to be angry with him. The fact that he was drinking at all is suspicious enough considering he was supposed to be doing a job and not drinking with his buddies.
His attitude quite honestly stinks. Why would he think it's stupid for everyone to think he'd had an accident?? I think you need to sit him down and ask him outright whats going on. He has a cell phone, why couldn't he at least CALL you to let you know he was going to have a few drinks with his buddies?
I hate to say this, but I think it's highly suspicious.
3 people like this
@dfinster (3528)
• United States
17 Apr 07
It's suspicious to me too although when I checked out his story, it was true. His attitude about the whole thing is what really p#**#s me off. It's like talking to a wall. He tell me to quit bringing it up and gets really nasty about it. I hate to say this but he really is that inconsiderate and thinks it's ok. If someone does that to him though he goes right in to the role of the big "victim".
@domesticengineer (576)
• Philippines
17 Apr 07
Give him the benefit of the doubt. He might or might not telling you the truth. But you have to listen to your heart and follow what it's really saying. Don't let your mind power overcome your feelings. Those two are different things. You know your husband more than anybody else. If you can feel that he's not lying then forgive him and let go of what happened. Be only suspicious if something like that happens again. Let go of the first. Learn to forgive. It might take your pride down but it deserves to go down to keep your relationship healthy and lasting.
@kgwat70 (13388)
• United States
17 Apr 07
I do not think it was wrong for you to worry about your husband. I think many people would worry as well if their loved one did not return home and had not called or anything about their whereabouts. I think it is ridiculous for him to be upset with you because you were worried about him and love him. He should have called you and let you know where he was so you would not worry. You have more reason to be upset with him than he does with you.
2 people like this
@James72 (26790)
• Australia
18 Apr 07
I can understand 100% why you would be so upset. If my partner didn't come home at all and I was unable to get in contact with her there would be hell to pay! And if she was extremely defensive about her actions I would be even more suspicious to be honest..... Is it not a common courtesy to let you know what is happening? It is not like you immediately jumped up and down accusing him of an affair or something is it?
As for how to deal with this going forward? I am not sure. I do believe though that you are well within your rights to be upset. It doesn't take much to call from his friend's house to say that he is drinking and therefore not able to drive home.
1 person likes this
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
17 Apr 07
My husband did that a few times in the past, once I was so worried that I called his work to see what time he left, then he got mad at me for calling!
What was I supposed to think? I was worried, and I think we have every right to worry when our men don't come home. I mean at least they could have the courtesy to call and let you know they are alive.
@lightningMD (5931)
• United States
17 Apr 07
I think you have every right in the world to be angry. I would be livid. I would have a problem believeing him that he was at a friends house. If that was true why diddnt someone here the cell phone. I think he should be groveling at your feet begging for forgiveness.
2 people like this
@wachit14 (3595)
• United States
17 Apr 07
It's a good thing he didn't try driving home while he had been drinking, but he really should have called you before he got started with his buddy and said "hey, I'm at so and so's house in case you need to get in touch with me". What if there was an emergency and you needed to get in touch with him? I hope he has learned a valuable lesson about communcation.
@coconutpatty (834)
• United States
17 Apr 07
You have every right in the world to be upset. The thought of not knowing where he is for that long and then his attitude of like "so what" would make me so mad. Let alone all those people you called and who were just as terrified as you were. I mean, how hard it is to called when he left the one job to go to his buddy's to say "hey I'm at so and so's house having a few drinks". That way you would at least have a starting point to look for him. Men can be completely inconsiderate and stubborn. Maybe there could have been some suspiscous behavior or he was was doing exactly what he told you he did. Men get like that about "their" time. They see nothing wrong with making others worry and don't realize that we will tend to think the worst until we hear from them. Sometimes they are just inconsiderate. They are too stubborn to admit what they did was wrong. And it's not that going to a friends to drink and then passing out is wrong. Not letting anyone, especially your wife, know where you is wrong. I hope this is the case and that after a few days he will admit to being wrong for not letting you know. So I'd give him a few days and then let him know how you felt. Let him know it's not the fact he was there it's the fact that he allowed you and everyone else to worry. Maybe he is partially embarassed that so many people knew he was "missing". Men are weak like that sometimes!
1 person likes this
@coconutpatty (834)
• United States
17 Apr 07
gotcha! i guess that would annoy me. sometimes my boyfriend is like that and it's like well you should be affected by it to some extent. good luck with this.
1 person likes this
