When someone you love, loses someone they love
By Ravenladyj
@Ravenladyj (22902)
United States
April 19, 2007 9:03am CST
I'm in a sharing mood today for some reason...thoguh I dont know why...anyway...When I lost my son a few yrs back ppl really didnt know how to react or treat myself, my husband or my other two children....Understandable since sudden death is hard enough to deal with but when its an infant or child etc it makes it that much harder.....here is something that I personally agree with a great deal and I think its good advice for those who are trying to help a loved one or friend deal with loss...
Keep in mind this was originally for loss of a child/infant death via miscarriage, illness etc but really with a little change in the wording it could apply to any loss IMO
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PLEASE ~ don't ask me if I am over it yet...I will NEVER be "over it"
PLEASE ~ don't tell me that he/she is in a better place. He/she ISN'T HERE!!
PLEASE ~ don't say "at least he/she is suffering". I haven't come to terms with why he/she had to suffer at all!!
PLEASE ~ don't say "well you're lucky, he/she would have been born/grown up with lots of problems." Would you have loved your own child any less if they had 'problems'?
PLEASE ~ don't tell me you know how it feels unless you have lost a child/infant/pregnancy
PLEASE ~ don't tell me to get on with my life...I'm still here aren't I?
PLEASE ~ don't ask me if I feel better? Bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up"
PLEASE ~ don't tell me that "God never makes a mistake" or "it was God's will". You mean He did this on purpose? And who says I believe in your God anyway?!
PLEASE ~ don't tell me that "at least you have or can have other babies" or "at least you had him/her for ____yrs/mths/days." or "at least you know you can get pregnant" I still don't have him/her
PLEASE ~ don't tell me that God never gives more than you can bear. Who is He to decide how much I can or can't bear?!
Instead of all of the above.....
PLEASE ~ just say you are sorry
PLEASE ~ just say you remember him/her or my pregnancy/our excitment etc if you do
PLEASE ~ just let me say his/her name without you turning away or changing the subject
PLEASE ~ let me cry when I must...
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feel free to add to this or discuss what you agree or disagree with etc....
7 people like this
9 responses
@mommey20032005 (264)
• United States
20 Apr 07
I'm sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage, twins. Even though I was only 3 months pregnant, it was still hard for me. I hated everyone telling me that it happen for a reason, you will get over it, it will just take time. I wanted to be left alone with my 1 year old daughter. She is what kept me strong and together. I cried so much, I thought It was something I did. And still think about the twins, and wish that they were here with me.
3 people like this
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
20 Apr 07
I've had two miscarriages myself and ya know what...its STILL a loss ya know...that is still losing your child as far as I'm concerned....I've had an abortion as well (right after burying my son) which was also a loss and very hard but what needed to be done (many ppl dont understand that or simply refuse to)....When a woman is pregnant and WANTS THAT BABY...losing him/her in any capacity is hard....My heart goes out to you...miscarriages can be so brutal...my very first pregnancy was a miscarriage and the thoughts that went through my mind after the fact tore me up in addition to the actual miscarriage ya know....
2 people like this
@maryjane12 (32)
• Philippines
20 Apr 07
loosing someone is a real hard things in life people never know how it feels or what to feel unless they never experience losing someone i csn say your so strong for telling this things for sharing this suffering to us. im sorry for what happen to you.
3 people like this
@mobyfriend (1017)
• Netherlands
24 May 07
Yes I totally agree with your post. I have lost a baby myself and all the good intentions of people mean nothing if they haven't had to deal with the loss of a child themselves. Really the only ones who can understand you are the ones who are dealing with it. We will all grief for the rest of our lives. Even in our happy moments.
1 person likes this
@APMorison (424)
• United States
19 Apr 07
having dealt with multiple miscarriages and ended up at nearly 50 with empty arms -
My husband and I cry at holidays when the table is just for the two of us - and our friends have learned long ago that a hug is more than enough when it hits us
I hate the phrase "In A Better Place" - the Better Place would have been in my arms
There is No "At Least" that makes any kind of difference to this situation, people need to keep their "At Least" for something that doesn't actually Matter to Someone Else in a Painful Way
People who come at me with their "God" did this or didn't do that or has imposed his Will, etc had better be ready for when I tell them very directly exactly what I think of their Painfully Stupid interpretations of what will bring any form of comfort - those words sound of nothing but Memorized Platitudes Spewed Out For All Occasions, One Size Fits All - I Want None Of It - if that's the best you can do, then keep your mouth shut.
Do I sound angry - yep - sure do - I had a recent 'run in' with someone that gave me that 'lip service' about Gods Will, etc - I'm still PO'd with it.
Eventually, the memories grow a little dimmer, the pain a little less Sharp - but it never completely goes away and sometimes it hits hard at unexpected moments. You learn to deal with them in your own way.
So for all those Well Meaning Do-Gooder's out there that want to say something - just give us a hug and tell us you are sorry that we hurt - that's enough.
2 people like this
@ciaosamson (541)
• Philippines
20 Apr 07
I haven't lost a baby but in any case, I hate it when people would tell you to stop crying. It's like are you kidding me?!!
3 people like this
@KissThis (3003)
• United States
20 Apr 07
I wish I had this when I went through my miscarriage. Everywhere i turned everyone kept telling me that the baby was betteroff, the baby is in a better place. How is that surpose to make you feel better when your arms are empty? How is that surpose to make you feel when you hear a baby cry and no that it isn't your baby? I wake up at night hearing a baby cry, there isn't a baby in my house.
I really do wish that I had had that list to share with my friends. I know that they meant well but what they were saying only made things worse.
Thank you for sharing this.
2 people like this
@GnosticGoddess (5626)
• United States
21 Apr 07
Please just be there for me.
I am so sorry for your lose sweetheart. I know that's not why you started this discussion but I couldn't not say it.
I got so much of all that after my first several miscarriages. Finally I just started telling people not to say certain things - because they only made me mad instead of making me feel better.
The best possible advice I have for family & friends, ect is to just be there when they need a shoulder to cry on or just need someone to listen. In time we will feel better but will never be the same.
1 person likes this
@Bizziebod (3497)
•
26 Apr 07
Hi, I think it's great that you've shared these with us. I have a couple of friends who have lost little ones, and I never know what to say to them, so thanks for this I will take heed.
@acquaria (719)
• Italy
26 Apr 07
I don't have any answer for this your debate!I have a lot of friends,relatives that have lost thier closers and I know that there are not appropiate words ....but I'm their shoulder when they want to cry and I'm their listener when they want to speak.
And with a hug sometimes I have done more than with the words.
