Negative feelings toward spouse
By tnaber65
@tnaber65 (28)
United States
April 29, 2007 9:48am CST
Does anyone else start feeling negative toward their spouse if you feel the spouse is not pulling their fair share within the household? What kinds of feelings do you have? Resentment? Anger? Can you love and hate your spouse at the same time?
Here's my situation: My husband has been unemployed for three months now and does not seem too interested in getting another job. He seems more interested in his video games than he does in finding work.
Also, I think he's being too picky about where he wants to work. He wants to work within 5 miles of our house and in an office (he has no office skills - he was a mechanic).
Because of this, we are so strapped that bills are starting to fall behind. I am actively looking for a second job. He keeps telling me that I don't have to get one, but he doesn't realize that more than just the mortgage payment goes out every month.
And, if he is staying at home, he should be taking up some of the housework which he is not. This is where I get angry. My kids see what he is doing and they think it is okay to be like that too. I feel that my husband and kids should help take care of the house since I am the one working outside the home making the money to pay the bills and keep food on the table.
I could probably go look for another full time job, but I love where I'm at even though I don't get paid what I'm worth.
3 people like this
10 responses
@RosieS57 (889)
• United States
29 Apr 07
Lay down the law. Either he registers at an employment agency (often there are free ones run by your state) and goes to get the work or you go on strike.
You can't be expected to do it all. Also warn the kids. Every time the kids want/need something, tell them to ask their dad since he has the time.
Only do your own laundry. Only cook for yourself. The hubby and the kids will have to fend for themselves.
Then watch and see how co-operative your family becomes. After all, they can't make a doormat of you unless you let them!
3 people like this
@tnaber65 (28)
• United States
29 Apr 07
Hi Rosie. He won't go to an employment agency because they test and he won't pass the testing. I have been flat out telling him "you need to get a job". He keeps saying that something will come up soon. The main problem is that I really think he doesn't want to get a job.
Everyone is responsible for their own laundry - it's been that way since the kids were old enough to reach the washer controls.
Instead of going on strike, what do you think of making up a list of things for the family to do around the house and tell them that if it's not done, I won't do anything for them like cook dinner?
1 person likes this
@RosieS57 (889)
• United States
29 Apr 07
Hi!
Yes, the list sounds like a good idea. Another one is to unplug the video game console and take it to your work and store it there. Hubby gets it back when he's gainfully employed.
Many of the government connected agencies give free classes in testing. Offices like Manpower do, too. He's putting you in a catch 22: I want an office job but since I can't pass the tests, I won't get an office job so I guess I'll just live off my wife. Nope!
I went thru this with my hubby. He was out of work for five months. We had his two kids and two of mine at home; it's the second marriage for each of us. I made sure that going out each day to find work was a more attractive option than staying home with me. I'm disabled and do have disability income, which made it easier for me to go on strike.
But yes indeed...make a list and check it twice! And please keep thinking along these lines: since you're the only one employed EVERYone needs to be making the breadwinner's life easier, until hubby gets another job of his own.
2 people like this
@gbsingh (1)
•
29 Apr 07
I will simply call a spade a spade and give him a warning then and there.
I won't get angry but I won't compromise out of love either.
When my wife, who was then my girl-friend, proposed to me for marriage, I said - "Sure, but I won't feed you. Are you ready to feed yourself?"
She said - "Yes."
And we are a happy couple today!
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
30 Apr 07
I am rather familiar with the dynamic you describe... as I was married in that sort of situation for many years, and-- wouldn't you know it!-- went right out an got involved with someone who repeated it.
With my ex, I had a fairly good job, but it required long hours. Because I was "doing well," she decided that she didn't really need to work. But I'd come home and find myself cooking, grocery shopping, paying bills, doing yardwork, and much of the cleaning as well. Of course, she always had the "perfectly legitimate" excuse of "not feeling well," and it took me half a decade to figure out that "not feeling well" was more of a combination "hobby" and "manipulation tool" than it was an actual chronic condition. Doctors never found anything wrong, but as long as she was "ill" she could exempt herself from participating in anything she disn't want to be part of. My subsequent relationship was with someone who suffered a psychotic break in a hostile workplace, and then cited her PTSD as a reason to never leave the house again.
I guess people just have different perspectives-- some will grab whatever "free ride" they can find and hold on for all it's worth, while others will graciously accept help during down periods in life, but get back in the routine as soon as they can. Sadly, the latter seem to be a rarity.
1 person likes this
@tnaber65 (28)
• United States
1 May 07
Your situation sounds similar to one of my co-workers. His wife does absolutely nothing. He works 10 hours a day on average, does the grocery shopping, cooks the meals, pays the bills, cleans the house, etc. I really feel for him and just don't understand why his wife doesn't do anything.
I was at a point just after my first marriage ended that I had to go on welfare, but I was grateful for it and embarrassed by it at the same time. I worked my tail off to get off welfare.
My husband, up until now, has not been out of work for more than a couple of weeks. This situation has now been going on for 3 months and the savings have dwindled. He couldn't understand my need to get a second job to pay the bills. He seems extremely naive in some respects, and just plain ignorant in others. And it seems he is being extremely picky about the type of job he'll take and the distance from home. I got really mad the other day and told him I was sorry there was not a job available at the next door neighbor's house.
@toplen (335)
• Philippines
30 Apr 07
I think you have to let him know how hard it is for you to pull two jobs (that is being a wife and mom, and an amployee). Tell him that your current set up isn't a normal thing and you need a partner. You need his help asap coz you are tired and depressed yourself. If he cares for you and loves you, he'll be sensitive enough to understand that he needs to do his job as a father and a husband. Also, you can help him by applying him or submitting his resume at jobs near your vicinity that's posted online. Letting him handle bill payments might also work. This will make him start to think how and where he'll get the money to pay them. Hope this helps :)
1 person likes this
@tnaber65 (28)
• United States
1 May 07
Hi toplen. I guess I have 3 jobs now (just got a 2nd job today). He'll see that I won't be home at dinner time to fix the meal and I'll be tired. He says it's not fair to me to have to get a 2nd job - I told him it's not fair to me that he hasn't had a job in 3 months.
I go job hunting online for him and send him jobs I think he'll like (as long as they are close to home - and I mean close!). I even sat with him last night and walked him through the entire Wal-Mart application process online.
Keep reading the posts above, because I have said a lot more. He did handle the bills and he wasn't paying them on time (when he was working!). We have separate accounts - it works very well for us as we never argue about money. I make sure the bills get paid, although right now I am behind one month because of the utility bills going up since he's been home.
I appreciate the advice. I have tried pretty much everything short of the 2nd job (starting this week) and either kicking him out or moving out. I can't afford to do either of the latter two things. I do love him, but right now I can't stand him and will probably keep losing respect for him until he gets back to work.
1 person likes this
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
30 Apr 07
Have you tried to discuss any of these concerns with him? It may help more than you think it would. The only thing you are accomplishing at the moment (besides being the only one working) is stressing yourself out more. As for him not helping around the house, good luck, because if he never has, then you really need to point out the fact that not only are you working and paying the bills, but also taking care of him and the kids and some help would be appreciated. If worse comes to worse, while he's out looking for a job, I would hide the video games away, when he asked where it was, I'd tell him.....sorry honey, had to sell it to pay ______________. Sometimes it just takes a open discussion to clear things up. If you keep going like you are, you will only be more stressed, and you will continue to have your resentment against him grow.
1 person likes this
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
1 May 07
Sorry, after reading your reply and reading others that have responded to your discussion, maybe you should give yourself some time to really think over the situation. Is it going to get any better? Does he feel like he doesn't need to work? after all he's got you to do the bill paying and the one to be stressed out, while he's having fun with his video games. Ya know, sometimes it's better to give an ultimatum (or to just make the decision) of either/or, ya get a job and help out around here or ya get out. I do see your frustration, and you are no doubt justified in feeling that way, but I have to wonder if he's found a 'comfort' zone and going to remain there for who knows how long.
@tnaber65 (28)
• United States
1 May 07
Talking doesn't seem to work much with him. Maybe if the electricity got shut off he might get a clue. See my response above - I've tried talking. If he would just apply for anything and get an interview that would make me feel better, because he would at least be trying.
He has some strange ideas sometimes, like applying for a job - he thinks that he can just go anywhere, drop off an application and get hired on the spot. I've told him that we just don't live in those days anymore - some companies make you apply for jobs online, some only want resume's faxed to them, etc. He said he doesn't like to apply online for a job - if they really want to hire him they'll appreciate that he came in to their location. (little note here: he refuses to work outside of a 5-mile radius from home). No amount of talking has been able to change his viewpoint.
Can you see some of my frustration?
@Whisp1976 (488)
• United States
1 May 07
I think that it is normal to feel resentment towards those we share our living space with if/when they do not do their share of the household chores ( or other shared responsibilities). I am lucky in that my husband is very good about that type of thing. He is not allergic to the washing up or cleaning the floor. In addition, he does alot of hard jobs outside and has made the yard look wonderful. However, I am anal about clutter and there have been occassions when I have nagged him for leaving stuff lying around because I feel that I constantly pick up after him. This has more to do with my neat freak inclinations than any real fault of his.
I think in your situation I would feel very angry and the excrament would definitely hit the fan. Relationships are give and take. I think your husband is taking you for granted and using excuses not to find work. Punish him severely. I have found you get more respect if you put your foot down- hard.
@tnaber65 (28)
• United States
1 May 07
Hi dixie1. I've tried talking to him...bluntly. Told him "you need to get a job" several times. Told him that since it has been 3 months with no work, I was going to get a second job just to make sure the bills are paid.
He wanted to know why and didn't think finances were that bad - he has no clue how much stuff costs; and he doesn't listen when I try to tell him.
@elshaddai123 (3981)
• Kottayam, India
30 Apr 07
Wife is well placed then they blame husbands and vice versa, this happens in all household,who is to be blamed and no one is perfect.Shall we humble ourselves and work
for the betterment of the entire household
1 person likes this
@tnaber65 (28)
• United States
1 May 07
I appreciate your comment. However, the husband has not been working for the last 3 months and has been living off the wife (me). I don't make great money, in fact I don't even make enough to support a family of four. This is part of my problem. Since he is staying at home and not actively looking for work, my utility bills are continuing to go up - costing me more each month. Plus, my grocery bill has increased by another $200 a month since he has been staying home - he is snacking constantly throughout the day and eating dinner ingredients which have to be replaced so I can cook the meals.
My complaint is that I cannot afford to do this alone and I need his help. I don't care if he finds a full-time job or a part-time job, just as long as there is some income to help keep us with a roof over our heads. Just today, I have accepted another job (now I have two) to try and make ends meet.
@bruxedo (773)
• France
29 Apr 07
Perhaps your husband is with a depression. And he can't do anything while he doesn't feel better. Perhaps it would be a good idea convince him to go to see a doctor. When I am depressed I only want to game (easy flash games) or stay watching tv and even when I know that there's a lot of work to do I can't..
1 person likes this
@tnaber65 (28)
• United States
1 May 07
I'm convinced that he's being lazy. He doesn't act depressed - he seems happy that he's home and doesn't have to get up to go to work. Keep reading my replies to other posts - you'll be able to get the whole story.
I'm actually the one who is depressed - trying to figure out how the bills will get paid. You'll see more below.
@kaygelbhen (19)
• Philippines
30 Apr 07
i'm happy to say that that i'm very much lucky to have the kind of husband i have. he knows every household work(except cooking :) and very sensitive to know that i need his help.
1 person likes this
