Do you put bad family members before good friends?

Thanks for your response. =) "If a person cares for me, then I will care for that person as well." I like the way you stated that.

your a sweet heart, and you and your 'family' (chosen) deserve the best you can have, you don't deserve any more pain, just as i don't deserve any more pain and anyone else who has been abused in every way shape and/or form possible. i think we should all stick together to insure that this doesn't happen in future generations, that we can show love and understanding to those that we love for as long as possible. this was probably just as hard for you to read as it was for me to write, and i commend you on taking the time to go through this long post. Thank you for the best response, really, i have had a long time to reassess my life and those who have hurt me, it seems we've gone through very similar existences thus far, my wedding had my mother and uncle, though i wish they weren't there, all they did was make me want to ball my eyes out when i was finally married because my mom decided to cry and walk off half way through the ceremony and every one was mad at me for not walking up the isle slowly, i ran, i couldn't wait to be woman to my man, and him likewise, it was the happiest moment of my life, until she brought down the walls for a short time, when i realized i couldn't let her take THIS too away from me... I call her my mother because i won't stoop to call her by her first name, it's not ingrained in me to do this, but i call her my mother because she's never been a mom to me, just a user and abuser, and the one who sat idally by knowing full well what i went through and probably enjoying herself. if i can give you any advice for your life from what i've learned, it's to make the best of what you have and never take the things in life that put any kind of smile on your face for granted, someone can take it and rip it from you in an instant, so i don't take that chance. also, if you know someone will hurt you if given the chance, don't give them that chance. i just recently learned that again from my mother, and i'll never take the chance of my happiness over hers or anyone else out for themselves again. your a strong, wonderful woman, reward yourself with happiness, and even better things will unfold for you. *hugs* (i know you probably don't like hugs, if your anything like me they shiver you right up the spine and make you want to tear out of the place, but virtually, their not as bad, for me anyway...)

Yes, i am only 18. my upbringing was pretty well me bringing up not only myself but my 5 younger brothers and sisters, i apologize for being all motherly, it's kinda a habit, i even treat my grandfather like one of my own, it's instinct or something. i was abused physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually (and even pawned off sexually for things for my father) and have many health conditions because of what my father personally put me through, my mother, she was a bystander, just as bad in my books. I moved out actually when i was 15, moved in with the man that is now my husband as well actually, but was only a few driving minutes away from my mother, and about 15 more from my father (they divorced shortly before i moved out, about that time i realized my father was not only the problem, but also my mother, then she had the police get me back there, and then kicked me out because aparantly i wasn't happy like i should be although i was still the head honcho around the house when it came to do with the kids housework bills and cooking...) my solving issues with my family i guess started with me contacting all of my other relatives, i wasn't allowed to know them even over the phone or email for a short second in my whole life, i didn't even know many of them existed, then i realized that they were all the same, i began standing up for myself, told my father that there was no way he'd ever ever in his lifetime be anywhere near my children when the time comes that i have them, told my mother that her contact would be minimal and there would be no 'alone' or 'personal' time with my children and my aunts and uncles to respectively stay away. i've tried mending things with my father as a way to show him that i forgave him for all he did, and then he turned it around on me, and my mother has countless times called me horrible things because i don't have the means to do something for her, so that's it... She now knows that the only way we'll have contact is if she contacts me 'just to talk' and for no other reason unless something happens to the kids. i welcome hugs from certain people, but it's a small group, most times if anyone other than 3 or 4 people lay a finger on me i'm sent into some pretty serious flash backs or i have a severe anxiety attack that inevitably feels like my heart is being torn out of me. So i try and avoid it. And with helping people, that's my downfall.... I see someone in need and because of the life i've had i jump to their rescue, and my husband does the same because he's so soft hearted.... Although in the end, many times it ends up that the people i helped were just taking advantage of me, like my ex roommates, who lived here for the almost free rent and food... when it comes to someone going through abuse, i do what i can when i can, even if it's just calling the authorities, even if that person hates me for a while, they'll eventually see that i was doing it for their life.

OMG I'm SOOO sorry that was so long!

Wish I could get out of dealing with family all the time but there are times when I can't. Like tonight when my mother invited herself over. I have to be polite even though I'd rather be here.

Thanks for your response. =) "Life is far too short to be miserable." You're definitely right on this one!

Aww sorry to hear about that! Here's hoping she leaves quickly! =p My mother plans to come visit me sometime this summer or fall. Bleh. Still, I guess I'm lucky that she lives far enough away she can't come more often!

Well said. I think its a question of who do you define as family and who do you define as friends. I have some friends who are so close that I consider them family and there are family members who are so distant, its hard to consider them even friends - sometimes strangers. It also depends on how bad the guy is. I have one relative who went to jail to cheating his maid out of S$500 (About US$300). Would you want to publically aknowledge being related to a guy like that? A bad egg is still a bad egg even if you do share a similar strands of DNA!

Thanks for your response. =) That is a good saying!

Lecanis, Great Topic :) Rowantree, be my friend? I would love to share with you as I share with others, as a cyber friend we can do things for each other, when you research my latest entries you'll see what I mean. We all need friends and we can gather around to support each other as friends, they are here if you know where to look, just don't look at my star rating to use as a guide... LOL I seem to be in an elite group... Right there with Redyellowblackdog... And a few others... May your star shine brightly... Blessed Be... Sincerely, Gary

Unfortunately it's not always just MyLot and internet friends that look down on a person for choosing friends over blood relatives. I have many people in my life that look down on me for the choices i've made regarding ending my relationship with my parents, but they still don't understand the reasons i've made those choices, all that they see is that family should be put first before all else, because they gave you the ability to live. I thank my family for my life, but will never allow them to hurt my life in any way every again. And those people i feel bad for, because they can't understand why us who have been hurt to such an extent, so they will never understand likely.

You're right, my friends are my family. =) There are a lot of people who look down on me for such choices also, Spitfire. When I mention that I haven't been to visit my family for over five years now, it really upsets my coworkers and other people around me... even when I try to explain the situation to them. Many people who have very good families can't seem to grasp the severity of the abuse I suffered, and therefore my reasoning in the choices I make.

Thanks for sharing! =)

sometimes talking about it with them makes it worse. Sometimes you see that what it is that they did to you is just a fraction of what they wanted to do, no matter if they felt they loved you or not. NO family is perfect, but there are many families out there that are just plain abusive and destructive. There's many times i personally have tried to talk to my family about this kind of stuff, and what do you know, it just makes it worse, because they put a cold heart towards it and make you see that they just don't give a damn, that their only in this for themselves, and if that means hurting you, so be it, your just another human being on this planet, even if you are their blood. so maybe talking to them won't help Lecanis, there's a very strong possibility that they will either be words without meaning or feeling, or it will end up hurting her much worse. all she can do is forgive for what they have put her through and protect herself from any more harm done to her or anyone she can therefore protect.

Thanks for your response, pinks0da. I have tried talking to my family, several times, and it always has one of these results: 1) They lie about the whole situation, or 2) They say that I did something to cause the problem, which is darn funny since the abuse started when I was less than a year old, or 3) They blame all the discomfort over the situation on me as the victim, for not keeping my mouth shut about abuse like a "good girl would". So I think Spitfire has it right on this one that bringing things up really doesn't help in some cases.

*nods* I'm learning that a lot of us do!

Thanks for your response, Galena. I really appreciate it. I totally agree with you on all of this. I always love it when you reply to my discussions, because often you say things in a way I would like to but can't quite get out. Thank you.

Thanks for all your kind words, again. I really appreciate it. I am religous, actually, but not that religion. I'm a Celtic Reconstructionist (which is a form of Paganism). In my religion, there is a lot of focus on honoring your family, but the Celtic view of "family" includes adopted and chosen family as well as biological.

Thanks for sharing your story with me! I think you're right on here!

Thanks for your response. I think you're right. =)

I've talked to my family about what they did to me many times over the years, and if anything it made the situation worse. They have this idea that any kind of abuse is okay as long as no one talks about it, and so when I talk about the situation I'm the one causing trouble, even though I was the victim. I think considering my friends as my family members is the best way for me. =)

*nods* If that's how you feel about it, then that's fine.

i'm not meaning this to be offensive in any way, but either you've never been hurt by your own family to the extent that you felt your life was null and void of any importance, love happiness and or respect, or your one of those that take pride and joy in causing harm for others. maybe you just don't understand the need to protect yourself and be happy, but certain things your family can do to you, sometimes you just need to start protecting yourself over them.

I understand that this is your view, sweetaspie, but I just don't think that way. People who are kind to me deserve better treatment from me than people who abuse me, that's how I see it. It's not a question of my friends understanding or not. Of course if I told a friend that I had to put a family member first they would understand. But I don't want to put my family members first because they don't deserve it! I don't believe that child abuse is something that you should overlook and ignore like that.