What do you say to help your child deal with the loss of death ?
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
Canada
June 15, 2007 8:15pm CST
My seventeen daughter just lost her best friend today in a tragic car accident . It was really foggy here this morning and he was driving a friend to work on the way home he hit a bridge right down the road from our place , he wasn't wearing his seatbelt and was speeding . He was only twenty one years old and she just saw him the night before last where they had a big of an argument . How do you help someone deal with this kind of pain ? I don't know what to say to make things easier for her . She is gone to spend the night with some friends and I am hoping this will do her some good but my heart is breaking for her and I just wish I could take her pain away . She is too young to lose the loss of a best friend , even I have never had to do this and I am so much older then her . All day I thought about how I would handle this and honestly I just don't know what anyone could say to make me feel better . What can I say to ease her pain ?
The worst part about the whole thing was that they were not really talking because of me . She had stayed out late at his house one night and never made it home when she was supposed to . He had been drinking and couldn't get her home and I had told her that I wanted to talk to him before they hung out again just because of his age and the fact that I felt he should have been more responsible with her because of her age . They had wanted to date and I had said that they were too young for this just yet and that if he really loved her that he could wait until she was a little older . She will never have this chance now !! Because of my wanting to protect her , she will never see her best friend again and things were ended badly with them . In her mind she has got to be looking at it that it was somehow my fault and I just don't know how to tell her how sorry I am and can't help but somehow feel responsible for lost time they could have been together . I just want her to know how much I love and care for her but feel that she will somehow always hold me responsbile for the way things were left . And to all that don't realize this she is not my biological daughter but a child that I took in to live with us when things were bad with her and her family . I am no relation and actually just met her a little over a year ago . I love her very much and took her into our home and she is a part of our family but at the same time , she is probably looking at me as someone who ruined her life and the friendship that she could have took further . Please tell me what you would say or do to help her through this time and to let her understand how horrible I feel . Any idea's or thoughts would be greatly appreciated .
3 people like this
7 responses
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
16 Jun 07
God Bless you and your daughter! My prayers are with you right now as I can't imagine the guilt that you are feeling. As a mother of a 16 year old daughter, I understand why you did what you did and I think that you done the right thing with telling her that you wanted to talk to him and that they were too young to date. She may not understand until she becomes a parent herself.
As far as what you can say to her to ease the pain, there is nothing! My daughter lost her best friend ( a girl her own age) 2 years ago after we had moved and they had been seperated and there is nothing to say. They have lost a part of their lives that no one else can fill and that is impossible to take away the pain.
Just be sure that you talk to her and tell her that you feel guilty and yet she needs to know why you did what you did. She may understand more than you expect her too. It seems that kids can be amazing at times like this and much stronger than we expect.
Please keep me posted on this. You can get in touch with me through this site. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with us!
2 people like this
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
16 Jun 07
Thank you so much , today has been such a hard day and I just can't seem to stop crying . I didn't even know him all that well but feel so bad for the loss of something that will never be and can't help feeling that it is my fault . Thank you for taking the time to read my story and I pray that she will understand how horrible I feel .
1 person likes this
@kgwat70 (13387)
• United States
17 Jun 07
I am so sorry to hear that your daughter lost her best friend. It is so sad to hear something like this and wonder if he would have survived if he had his belt on and not speeding. Just being there for her will help and she will need time to grieve her friends loss. Give her a big hug and tell her how sorry you are about what happened to her friend. You are not to blame as you were being a caring and loving mother.
1 person likes this
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
16 Jun 07
honestly, it is better to just be quiet and don't say anything at all until your daughter can calm down and sort her feelings out rather than saying the wrong thing that will hurt her feelings even deeper... it is better to just be a good listener and give her your moral support... she needs it at the time like this...and at a hard time like this, she needs someone to let out her feeling and listen to her... i hope she will get over the incident soon and rest assured that one day she will understand that whatever you do for her is for her own good... for now, just give her time to calm down... please keep us updated on her progress... take care and God Bless you...
1 person likes this
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
25 Jun 07
Thank you for your kind words and she is doing better each day that passes , we have been able to talk and she has been really good about everything and althoug it will be hard for some time yet , she is handling things much better then I would have expected as has shown herself to be quite strong .
@sbeauty (5865)
• United States
16 Jun 07
It's difficult to deal with a situation like this no matter how old a person is!
First of all, quit blaming yourself for any part of the situation. That serves no purpose at all. Acknowledge your daughter's feelings and let her know that you're always there for her.
Give her permission to go through the steps of the grieving process. Read more about grief. Let her know that her feelings are okay. If she doesn't start getting over it in awhile, you might get her into counseling with a person who knows how to help her.
1 person likes this
@dragonstar13 (1465)
• United States
16 Jun 07
Hold her, tell her how sorry you are, listen to her.
It is not your fault they will never have a chance to talk again or to date. You were not the one speeding and not wearing a seat belt.
Your daughter is hurting right now, but she will heal. And some day she will realize you were doing what you had to do, protecting your child.
1 person likes this
@songbirdnaimh (1422)
• United States
16 Jun 07
First of all, I'm so so sorry for your loss. Your daughter must be in excruciating pain. Hugs to both of you.
All in all, I can understand the guilt you must feel, but you did the right thing. You were a responsible parent. She may be upset with you right now, but she will understand later. At this point, counseling might help her deal with her grief. Life can be scary, but it's so unfortunate that we have to sometimes learn that at such a young age.
You must be a wonderful person to have taken in another child. I have a lot of respect for that.
Sending even more hugs to you.....take care
1 person likes this
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
25 Jun 07
Thank you very much , I do love and care for her very much and she is a really good child with so much potential with knowing that she has a family that actually cares for her and a place to call home as she has never had this before .
She is doing much better every day and we have had quite a few opportunities to talk about what happened and she has shown me how strong she really is .
Thank you for your response and your kind words .
@fellowlife (988)
• Nigeria
16 Jun 07
i think you should call over you daughter and tell in gentle terms about the guy. I am sure she would have so many bottled up emotions that she either needs to cry to get better or she continues to feel the impact of the blow.
i am sure you would be able to touch a spring in her since you devote a lot of time to her and make her forget about the guy no matter how hard it is.
Another way you might help me is to get out with her to a new environment probably during the weekend so that she gets to free her mind away from the charged on she is now
1 person likes this
