Do you think if you were her, you would marry the man soon?
@Tracylovesadrian (143)
China
July 17, 2007 10:24pm CST
My best friend told me the man she was seeing these days wanted to marry her soon , at least he would give her the wedding ring. The thing is that they have only seen each other for four months, though they practically meet every day, as he requests. She likes him a lot, but she thinks it's too soon. But her declination certainly makes him unhappy. They have both experienced a failed marriage and there're still issues unsolved, like where they will live or if they will live with her mother after getting married. She's torn. Could you give her some advice?
2 people like this
11 responses
@kumar17vijay (113)
• India
18 Jul 07
I think it is her decision , so she should be in confusion as it is question of her life.
She should decide clearly that guy to which she wants marry is suitable for her in respect his nature , behaviour .
She can decide it correctly as she have spent some time with him.
Noone can tell something about that guy except her as she spent some time with him.
So she should not take any advice from other as it is question of her life.
@kumar17vijay (113)
• India
19 Jul 07
In such we should try to avoid confusion and concentrate on what should we have to take else if you are in hesitation or in confusion then anything can happened that may result into bad decision . We should think only future , we should leave things that happened in the past.
Esle both future and past in dark and present will not be of our.
So she have to avoid such contidion .
@Tracylovesadrian (143)
• China
19 Jul 07
but sometimes we do hesitate, especially when facing something so important. We are torn when having to make choices. We are guided by our sense as well as our sensibility.
@Married2aMarine (1273)
• United States
18 Jul 07
Sounds like your friend is only doing what this guy wants and she doesn't really have a say in everything. I think she's afraid that if she disagrees with him, he's going to leave her. If that is the case, good riddance. The last thing she needs is a man to tell her what to do. Personally, I think the short time period is not the issue here. I have friends who have gotten married just after 2 or 3 months of meeting and they are extremely happy and going on 5 or more years into their marriage now. I think the issue is what you mentioned...that they still have issues to resolve. I think they should wait and work a little more on this first before taking the plunge. Especially since they both have failed marriages, they should really be more cautious and not go into this blindly and make the same mistakes again. If this guy is refusing to wait and take her thoughts and opinions into consideration, then obviously, he is not the one for her.
@Tracylovesadrian (143)
• China
18 Jul 07
I agree with you. Most Chinese women are still very traditional. My friend is in her thirties and divorced. In our society, it always seems that she should not ask for too much, but I never think so.
@Married2aMarine (1273)
• United States
18 Jul 07
I don't think she should marry for the sake of marrying. If I were her, I would rather be single and happy than to be married and miserable. Some people are afraid to end up alone. But why settle for less?? In the end, she's going to end up getting hurt and very miserable..and probably with another divorce.
@serena_wai (970)
• Malaysia
18 Jul 07
I think there must be a certain reason that the guy wanted to marry your friends so desperately. Knowing for 4 months is really a short period to me. I been together with my bf for 5 years and yet, there is no plan of getting married as there will be so much to plan ahead; getting a house, settling with career, realising our young adult's dream prior to tying the knot.
I am a chinese woman too, i believe i belongs to traditional-thinking group which still believing in one marriage for a lifetime. I know it's difficult to predict what happen in future, but still i will make sure everything is good before moving to a big milestone.
@Tracylovesadrian (143)
• China
19 Jul 07
It didn't take this man much time to decide on his first marriage, so probably he thinks that 4 months is enough. Strangely, he is very sensible and handles things quite well, but his attitude towards marriage is somewhat different.
@golfproo (1839)
• Canada
18 Jul 07
Hi,
I guess my best advice on this one would be not to rush into anything. Four months is not a lot of time whether they have seen one another everyday or not. Having been through failed marriages they should no the consequences of that. If I were them, I would give it some more time to make sure it is really right, before jumping into such a serious commitment.
cheers,
@Tracylovesadrian (143)
• China
19 Jul 07
I think so. My husband and I got married after we got to know each other for 7 months. Kinda short. But after all the ups and downs(most ups), we are always like newly-weds after 3-year-long marriage. But I am just lucky to meet the greatest man in the world. Hope my friend is lucky too.
@gr8life (6251)
• Malaysia
18 Jul 07
Hello Tracylovesadrian,
If I were your friend, I will not make a hush hush decision. It is a matter of life and furthermore, this is not the first marriage for her. She should know the man better before deciding to tie the knot for the second time. I do believe that she doesn't want to have another failed marriage if later she found out that they are not compatible.
Her declination would certainly makes him unhappy, thinking that she just wasting his time, after what he had done to win her heart. But your friend needs to make it clear to her boyfriend why they need to consider it carefully before they make the decision to live together as husband and wife. Both of them should understand the whole situation if they don't want the same thing to ever happen again in their marriage.
@Tracylovesadrian (143)
• China
18 Jul 07
In my friend's first marriage, she was coldly treated and her ex was really not an ordinary kind person. Her boy friend is very considerate and good-looking. So I guess she is also afraid of losing such a wonderful person. But I also think she should wait. I told her exactly what you had told me. I hope she can make the right decision this time.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
18 Jul 07
Four months is a very very short time to know someone. Your friend is smart to hesitate. I would think they should wait until they are able to get a place of their own. It would not be good to start out living at in-laws i wouldn't imagine. If he really loves her, he will give her all the time she needs to be sure.
@Tracylovesadrian (143)
• China
19 Jul 07
The problem is right now the prices of the houses here are very expensive, maybe the highest of all. They are both earning not that much to afford a new apartment. But he's even thinking of buying a car! I always think houses always come before cars.
@helenying (120)
• China
18 Jul 07
If I were her, I would not do that. I think marry is not easy thing and cann't be decided so hurried. Two people should understand each other well, and have enough prepars. Otherwise they cann't got married so quick.
There are so many trifles after gotting married. So if one haven't understand the other enough, they would quarrel. And it will affect their relationship. If they have no economic condition, it also not good to get married so soon.
That's just my view.
@Tracylovesadrian (143)
• China
18 Jul 07
I think so ,too. I'm happily married myself, but there's still fighting from time to time. After all, different people getting together always need a lot of patience and tolerance.
@copswife62 (156)
• United States
18 Jul 07
Tell your friend this: Couples spend months upon months upon months planning their weddings - an event that last a few hours. Virtually no time is spent planing their marriage - an event that's supposed to last a lifetime.
The biggest mistake your friend and her beau could make right now is to marry. They don't even know where they shall live, and they want to marry?
Tell them to give each other a gift right now - it's called time. Time to settle any issues from the past, while at the same time continuing to get to know one another. Time to plan their marriage. Time to talk and discuss all that needs talked and discussed - how does each party handle finances? Children? What are their philosophies in life? How do they feel about their families, careers/jobs, and every other little thing in life?
I'm concerned about this mans urgency...is it a control issue with him (you're mine and I want you now)? Is it low self-esteem (if I don't get her to marry me now, I'll lose her and never find anyone else)? Or is it a simple case of lack of maturity? The maturity that comes with taking their time?
Talk to your friend, tell her to not be pressured into marrying this guy, and it's her right to decline or tell him she wants to give it more time...and best of luck to both of them.
@Tracylovesadrian (143)
• China
18 Jul 07
I think you are quite mature. I'll talk to her about that. But in China when we first get married, we often have a big wedding. Yet when we do it the second time, we just get the marriage certificate and that's it. so I guess they won't have the wedding ceremony to plan this time.
@velvet_hues (2)
• Philippines
18 Jul 07
four months is such a short time to tie the knots, just like what you've said they both experienced a failed marriage, and getting into a new one is not that easy. In my opinion they should know each other better, not by just seeing often but learn knowing their likes and dislikes as well. Do they agree on things just because they want to please one another or they discuss what would be the outcome of their decision. They say that you'll only get married once in your lifetime, and of course girls agree on that. They do want the guy to be MR. RIGHT!
@Tracylovesadrian (143)
• China
18 Jul 07
In every girl's dream, we have Prince Charming charging up and rescuing us. When we grow older, we realize it's never easy to find him. I agree with you: sometimes when we date, we don't tell each other what we really think, we just wanna please the other party.
@punlonnjack (1308)
• United States
19 Jul 07
Personal i would make not make a impulsive deciesion. I would wait. I would want answers and have a plan. I would want to know where i was going to live for sure thats really important. Resolve some of the issues before getting married. Saves complication after marriage. Why go into a marriage with uncertainties. There is no time limit on love be patient. Why do they want to rush when they have the rest of there lives to be together. They dont have to get married right away.
@wackeytiger (424)
• United States
18 Jul 07
I think they should have a long engagement. This way, while planning the wedding they can get the chance to know eachother better and decide if they're making the right decision. Plannin a wedding can be stressful so if they can make it through that they can make it through anything. Just tell her to make sure she knows him well enough to live with him for the rest of her life.
