Mothers:Please stop judging us non-mothers!
By 66jerseygirl
@66jerseygirl (3877)
United States
July 22, 2007 11:54am CST
I am 41 and quite happy to say I don't have kids.I think my choice not to have kids should be respected but its not.I mention the fact that i don't want kids and a lot of mothers act like I told them I had leperosy or something.I was really getting tired of this attitude that mothers had about me then i happened to read an article on msn where a mother was defending the decision of a woman not to have a child.I almost fell off the chair! A mother of all people! The article was very interesting and i had to chuckle when i got to the part about the "they don't know what they are missing" attitude mothers get. Excuse me?Screaming kids,midnight feedings,never having time for themselves.I could go on and on but yet i hear this I don't know what i'm missing all the time. I and other non mothers have been labeled selfish? Why are we selfish because we don't want kids?There are a lot of selfish mothers out there-you know the ones that want kids even though they dont have money to put food on the table or the ones that keep having kids in areas where there is so much violence,etc. I respect a womans right to want a child -Motherhood is great-but I do not respect a woman who thinks i or other's like me are selfish or look down their noses at us.
15 people like this
41 responses
@Calais (10893)
• Australia
23 Jul 07
There is no rule anywhere to say that you have to have children..It is entirely up to you and it is no one else business. You should not have to explain yourself to anyone and I dont see how it could be selfish..Stand by what you want and dont let people get to you...Its your decision not theirs...
3 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
29 Jul 07
Most of the time i dont let it bother me sometimes people get so ignorant about it,i can't help but get a little ticked. I enjoy being motherless
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
30 Jul 07
typo: i meant to say childless,lol but i think you knew what i meant
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
22 Jul 07
I agree! :)
I hate getting judged because I stand behind my decision of not having kids, and I hate the sentiment even more that I'll change my mind because 'everyone does'. Balogney!!! I've NEVER wanted kids, so why would I suddenly nearing 30 decide I want to ruin the life I've worked hard for and deal with a huge responsibility for the next 18-20 years of my life. Nothing about having children appeals to me.
See this discussion I wrote a few months ago: http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/981504.aspx
3 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
23 Jul 07
I just responded to your discussion.sorry about that.I did a search and nothing came up,that's why I did the discussion.I have a kitty,two parakeets,and 4 betta fish and that is all the children I need. I am very happy being childless and i like it that way.
2 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
26 Jul 07
i am a betta holic i call myself. I want more but we ae moving back to new jersey in the near future so I figured it was best to wait
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
24 Jul 07
I have 2 bettas! :) Kiet and Virote.
I also have 2 guppies named Dexter and Baxter; 3 mice named Ginger, Cinnamon and Sage; a Siberian Husky named Summer; and 2 cats, Onye and Zeus (although Zeus is my roommate's cat).
1 person likes this
@kgwat70 (13387)
• United States
22 Jul 07
Hi my friend. There is definitely nothing selfish about not wanting children. I do not see how they can say someone is being selfish by not wanting to have kids. People have said to me that I was selfish for not wanting to have a girlfriend or get married or have kids before so I know what that is like. You are definitely right that there are mothers and fathers out there who are very selfish so they should not be getting on your case or any other person that does not want kids or a relationship.
3 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
23 Jul 07
Hello,friend. It's no fun is there .I don't know why people do that .If you don't want kids,that's your own business.Idon't want the responsibility.I have had enough caring for my parents
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
24 Jul 07
Sacrificialclam: I had pretty well the same sentiments expressed to me by at least 2 people.
"But you're healthy! If you CAN have kids, you should!"
And
"You mean you can have kids and you choose not to? What a waste?"
I understand it's a sore spot for those unable to have children, but just because I'm capable doesn't mean I have to -- or at least it shouldn't.
I mean, I'm capable of jumping off a bridge or walking around topless in some cities, but it doesn't mean I'm going to.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
23 Jul 07
I can understand & respect your views. It is ridiculous to think that every woman wants to be a other. In fact, it really is sexist thinking, & stems from hundreds of tyears ago, that women were there to have children & nothing else.
I have one child, but didn't have her until I was 35 years. I have friends who were older than me when they had a child. I simply didn't want a child befoire then.
So stand up for your rights, & don't let people make assumptiions about you. It is your choice.
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
29 Jul 07
thanks for your support.don't worry ,I will stand up for myself. I know it's extrememly sexist and i am surprised that a woman wouldn't see it as that.sometimes i will get a little irritated but other than that,I don't like it bother me
@KrisNY (7590)
• United States
22 Jul 07
I am a mom! I love being a mom- I have 1 child- a 10 year old daughter- Sure I could have had more- but I choose to stop at 1- to be able to give her the things she needs and wants- I get all the time from other moms-- I can't believe you are only having 1- You are so selfish- She needs a sibling- so it isn't just women who aren't moms-
It is our choice if we want kids and how many- I can't imagine people calling you selfish because you do not have kids and aren't planning it either- There is nothing wrong with that- And that is coming from a mom- Who am I to say that you should have kids?? Geesshhh--- these other people need to get a grip and worry about their own families-
You'll never hear me tell you that you are selfish!
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
23 Jul 07
Another aspect of this, is that people were always telling me that haviong only one child, would make my child grow up selfish &self centred. She is now 14 years old, & receives a lot of praise from her teachers, swimming coach & riding instrctor, that she is a lovely person. It is a load of rot that a single child is selfish & I get sick of hearing it.
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
25 Jul 07
Thank you. I wish I could meet some moms like you in person.I think the only mom who hasn't given me a hard time is my sis in law.If you only want one kid,that's your business and i am glad you are standing your ground.
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
23 Jul 07
Actually I would have loved to have had a least one kid...just wasn't meant in the cards I guess...I think most of my life, in a sense I have had children though....my kitties...and lets face it, animals don't have temper tantrums, have a gimme this, gimme that attitude and wanting everything in sight....give unconditional love...Yes, people do look at me strange or feel sorry for me that I don't have children...well tough...Your 41, I'm 51...so while I would have liked to have had at least one kid, I'm glad I didn't....Every time I hear some whiney, screamy kid...I thank my lucky stars...that I didn't have kids.
3 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
26 Jul 07
I'm with ya girlie.Every once in awhile i will get a twinge and wonder if i made the right decision then i will hear a baby scream or achild nagging mommy for something and I am like i am so lucky. People look at me as being cursed for not wanting or being able to have kids ,but i say I am blessed.My animal kids are enough
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
23 Jul 07
i thik the decision of wanting to have or not wanting to have a child is a private one and based on individuals... everybody is entitled to have their opinion and i don't think that there is anything selfish about it... as long as they are happy, then that is what the most important... i agree with you that they are so many irresponsible parents out there who can only produce babies but don't know how to take care of them... but let's not generalise as we also have many kind and loving parents out there... once again, it is an individual decision to have or not to have babies and that decision should be respected...
2 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
26 Jul 07
I wish everyone would think like you.i would never go up to a mom and say "I don't know how you can stand to have kids" or something like that and I expect the same respect in return but i don't get it usually
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
23 Jul 07
Gees, I think it's stupid for some people to focus all there time on saying crap to other people just because they have different views than them. I think people should stop trying to belittle the next person and worry about there own lives. I have 2 children and I love them with every breathe I take. I wouldn't sit here and lie when I say they don't get on my nerves a lot. I have learned also as being a parent, I don't like other people's kids, they get on my nerves.
So your choice of not wanting kids, is that, your choice. So ignore those cackling hens, tell them to shove there thoughts up there pipe hole. If your life is so grand, why are bugging the crap out of a person that chose not to have kids in the first place.
2 people like this
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
29 Jul 07
Maybe they think they can tell you what to do, because they do that 24/7 with there kids,lol. Oh I know you don't let them dictate your life. You come off as a very strong woman. Even though I have 2 kids, I do sometimes wonder what life would have been. I think sometimes in a mother's life that thought crosses there minds, then they quickly block it out in fear of thinking that they are a bad mother.
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
29 Jul 07
cackling hens? that was funny.don't worry .I dont' let these people dictate my life. I always tell them they wouldn't want me going around telling them what to do,so don't tell me what to do.
1 person likes this
@ladysurvivor (4746)
• Malaysia
23 Jul 07
I respect your decision for not wanting to have any kids. Every human in this world has a right to do anything she wants. I don't have kids too, but to me I would like to have a kid because I really want to feel how is it like having someone to love.
Even though I want kids, some people still say that I purposely do not want kids. So, actually people will still say bad things about us even though we try to defend ourselves. I think you should better ignore those people and stick with your opinion. Have a nice day, pal and be happy!
2 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
29 Jul 07
Mostly i ignore these people but sometimes,it just gets too much and i get irritated. they need to mind their business .you have a good day yourself
@honeyangel (1991)
•
22 Jul 07
i have two great kids who i love dearly and the way i look at it if you dont want kids then that is up to you,i have no right to judge you of any kind.
3 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
23 Jul 07
thank you.I just wish all people felt like that. .Your response was quite appreciated
@ElicBxn (63639)
• United States
22 Jul 07
I guess I run into that attitude less because I mostly hang out with other non-mothers.
As I said on Judge Alex - not shown yet if ever - "Some people shouldn't be parents." Long pause while the audiance assumed I meant the woman who was sueing me (with 1 little girl & pregnant again.) "And I'm one of them." Small laughter.
It is probably true she shouldn't've been a mother either, but at least I knew I shouldn't be.
I don't like children. I have NEVER liked children. So, why should I inflict myself & some poor child who didn't ask for it with having children.
I agree. I know the down side of having children. I don't know the "joy" of being pregnant - THANK GOD.
I have my cats. I have always liked and loved cats & even with the cats I have a few I don't care for.
If a child or a baby were left on my doorstep I would not neglect it until the police or social services came & took it off my hands, but that doesn't mean I WANT one.
I really even prefer grown cats over kittens - tho Taj would tell you that he needs his mommy.
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (63639)
• United States
23 Jul 07
Oh yes, I won. In fact, they almost didn't film it because the woman had lied to them in the first place. I think they may have only filmed it - because remember, they haven't shown it - was because the only thing I asked for in return was that the case would be dismissed "with prejudges" so she could never sue me again.
2 people like this
@us2owls (1681)
• United States
22 Jul 07
I have three daughters, six grandchildren and one great grandchild that I adore. I wouldn't be without them but I agree with you there is nothing selfish about not wanting children. I think it is far more selfish to bring children into this world that are not wanted just because one thinks it is the thing to do. I admire you for standing by your principles. The choice is entirely yours and people should not criticize that choice. For everyone the most important person should be themselves - anyone else is just a bonus. Good luck and just ignore your critics.
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
23 Jul 07
Thanks for the support. Like i said,I think Mother hood is great but it's not for me. I have gotten to the point where i just let it roll off me . I am not gonna let someone else dictate my life to me.I wish everyone felt like you
@HighReed1 (1126)
• United States
22 Jul 07
I don't understand why anyone would look down on someone just because they don't have/want kids.
I don't think you're selfish. I also don't have a problem with your choice.
I'm a mother of grown kids. I never thought I would be a mother. It never crossed my mind. My life was fine before kids and it's fine with kids. I wouldn't trade them for the world, but I can remember life before them.
Try not to let the ignorant people get you down or upset you. I know it's not easy to ignore them.
3 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
23 Jul 07
Thank you.I try not to let them bother me. It used to be real hurtful when I was younger but I am older now and used to it.I don't know why they bother ,I'm not gonna let them change my mind
@imranrana (24)
•
23 Jul 07
yes dear u have the right not to have kids if u dont wish to and i do respect ur choice of not being mother.actually this process is natural some people need and wish to hav kids some dont,it depends on person to person and their nature.ppl who dislikes ur decision should keep behaving like this with u,its ur life and u got the right to make decisions.thank you
3 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
26 Jul 07
thank you. I dont want kids and wish people would respect my decision instead of getting nasty about it. I just don't have what it takes to be amom
@rosaflorence (1924)
• United States
22 Jul 07
I am the opposite from you. I have children. I have three girls and two step-sons. I love children though. My husband is a big help with them so it is not like I am on my own forever with them. We both work, but I work from home. I have a great love for children.
As for a response to your concern, I think that it is up to you on rather or not you want to have childrne. Some people don't want to because of the responsibility or the cruelty that will be placed on the child.
I would rather someone who does not want the responsibility of a child, to not have children than what I would for them to have ten children and to just not care or to keep giving them away.
If you don't want children, that is your choice and I am glad that you are not a person who keeps having them and then doesn't care about them. I respect you for your decision.
My husband and I make enough money to support our large family so, money and food is never a big concern with us.
I hope that one day, all women can just let this one lay. I agree with you when you said that some people act like others are selfish, they need to look at the reason and circustances before they judge people.
2 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
23 Jul 07
I am really surprised by the support I have gotten after all the nasty comments I have received by mothers over the years.. I like my freedom too much and don't want the responsibility. I have some animal kids and that is sufficient for me,lol.Thanks so much for your response
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (93740)
• United States
22 Jul 07
I'm 26, and someday I would like to get married and have some children. But if I don't, my life will not be any less fulfilling. Mothers can accomplish things non mothers cannot. But it goes the other way. Childless women can do things mother cannot. Both types of women are valuable, and it is a shame that either type feel discriminated against. : )
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
23 Jul 07
I have never thought it about it like that but you are right. Good point there girlie.
@eden32 (3973)
• United States
22 Jul 07
I think it's awful that anyone would judge you for making a reasonable decision for your life. Having children shouldn't be seen as a just the logical thing to do when you're X years old. It's a commitment like no other, it's challenging & often quite unrewarding; if it's not something your interested in, who is anyone to tell you that you should.
Now if the person giving you a hard time was someone really close to you, that is different imo. I know my little sister (25 not a child) has no interest in being a parent any time soon, if at all. Whenever we're out with my children & they're acting up, I joke with her & ask why she hasn't had a gaggle of them yet herself.
2 people like this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
23 Jul 07
I know it's awful. It really used to bother me when I was younger but not anymore. My family does rag me a lot about it but it's only done in a joking matter.
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
23 Jul 07
god,thank you.
i cannot have children.i get sick of the inevitable question (when are you going to have kids/why don't you have any).although it's almost worth it to see their faces fall when they realize the callousness of what they said.
i like my furkids more in most cases anyway-and they don't ask for $180 dollar sneakers;)
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
29 Jul 07
I definately preferr my furred and feathered kids.forget my scaley kids too.don't want to leave them out,lol.and you are right,you don't hear i want ,I want ,i want from our furry kids
1 person likes this
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
11 Oct 07
except in the case of canned tuna.
i'm pretty certain that's a "do want" LOL
@surveygrrl (1270)
• United States
30 Jul 07
I don't think to have children or to not have children is better than the other.
There has to be some people who do not have children to counter all the "breeders" as I know have labeled.
I think some people who do have children would probabyl be better off without but who am I to judge. I do have children but try not to judge people either way.
If you are good at being a Mother my hats off to you and if you enjoy not having children my hats off to you to.
You need to be happy with yourself and with life and do what makes that happen.
Just try to ignore the ignorance.
1 person likes this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
2 Aug 07
Most of the time i am able to ignore the ignorance but sometimes it gets to be a little too much.
@Daelin (683)
• Brazil
30 Jul 07
I don't have children myself. I never got married and I didn't want to be a single mother so I never thought about that. Usually I don't get bad judging because I have no children.
Maybe it is a cultural matter.
Anyway, I understand the mothers. They are so happy that they think the non-mothers are fool for not having children.
On my side I feel sorry for them because I am very happy the way I am. I have nieces and nephews, I love children and I find it great to talk to them, but I don't think I would be a great mother.
You are right about your feelings. I think it is very rude to judge people only because they don't have the same way of life we have.
Mothers that judge the non-mothers forget that maybe there is a reason for a woman to not have any child.
Maybe some health problem, financial troubles, or even a simple choice.
They should spend their time taking care of their children and not judging other women.
1 person likes this
@66jerseygirl (3877)
• United States
2 Aug 07
i definatley think there is a reason why there are some women like us who dont want kids. i think if God wanted us to have kids he would make it possible for all to have kids plus have the desire to be a mom.I neither can't nor don't want kids and I think it's because God didn't want me to be a mother
