Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?

You haven't said what broke you up in the first place. How did he screw up? Is he liable to do it again? I was in love with a man when I got pregnant. I did not know who the father was but I told this man he was the father. We had broken up by this point (which is why I was unsure because I immediately started seeing someone else). We remained friends until we found out the paternity results after the baby was born. When we found out he was not the father, he cut himself out of my life completely. I never could get him out of my mind, though I tried dating other people. Then on my baby's first birthday he called me up and said he wanted to see her for her birthday. We slowly started seeing each other again. We did not sleep together right away. I like to think he found his way back to me. We will have been married ten years on August 2nd and he adopted that baby that wasn't his. Like you said, we cannot tell you what to do as we certainly don't know all the details. But you have just heard one person's experience and perhaps you will hear more that may help you to decide. I do think you should take it slow, though. That was the best thing we could have done because he needed time to forgive me for pegging him for the father when he wasn't. And you probably need time to forgive your baby's father for whatever he did to screw up.

Hi...before adding my comments let me say that I sincerely hope you and your husband find whatever answers you need to make the best decision for you and your family...whatever that is. My hubby and I are life coaches and group leaders and work with relationship challenges all the time. Everyone thinks because we are in the field..that we never have any problems to work out. No, that is not the way it is for us...even with our training and skillsets. So having said all that I will add my perspective to your question. Yes, I think abscence can make the heart grow founder. Sometimes the required 'spaces within togetherness' create a way to pause aned re-evalute who and what matters most in life. From the sound of your post I think you have already answered your own question..but are just looking from a little outside reassurance. Right? The approach my husband I use in our work...and each other during conflicted or difficult transitions is to make sure you talk...before you act. By that I mean you already know what didn't work last time around..so what has changed? Do you feel confident that you both understand the cause and effect of your individual choices and collective choices that led to the breakup? If you haven't cleared that up and talked it through and are ready to let it go and move on...I can assure you those issues will raise their head out of the ashes of the past...they always do. In my experience we all have life lessons to learn..and conflict can be a great teacher! My concern is that you both need to come back and be willing to create a 'fresh beginning.' That is the name of our company...so it fits. No one can have a fresh beginning while dragging the residue of unresolved issues behind them. So to use your words, 'he screwed up...and is going through a rough time.' Does that mean he needs you to straighten our his mess again...are you feeling your 'rescuer' kick in..wanting to save him from himself? Or, do you feel you both have learned enough to put the past behind let it go...and put your energies into create the kind of life you want together now? Sorry to hit you with some hard questions...but you asked. One of the things that we suggest couples do in our life coaching sessions when considering a reconciliation is this: Write down your individual needs and expections about they dynamics of your relationship. For example..if we are going to make this work I absolutely need you to commit to doing this.......then list them. He needs to do something similar if this idea is going to work over the long haul. Read them over and discuss them...make sure you both understand. If something seems unreasonable for either of you..talk it through. Make modifications...whatever. After you both clearly understand what you both need...and want...sign it. Then exchange them and put them in a safe place. When you reconcile you will both have greater clarity about what you are coming back to. It also is a way of gently reminding each other when one of you drops the ball. It can be done in a fun way...but bring out your lifestyle commitment agreement...and say.."uhm...honey-baby...we need to talk...remember we agreed that point number two on our list was this. I have noticed that you are having difficulty in keeping up on it...is there so reason Sweetie? Perhaps there is something going on...can I assist..do we need to talk?" Well I think you get the idea. The agreement is not meant to be an ultimatum. It is an emotionally responsible way for two people who love each other to mutually agree to certain things that will reduce frustration and help them live the best life possible. That is what we all want for each other and those we love. Good luck with whatever you decide to do...whether you choose to use the suggestions or not I sincerely hope you have the clarity you need to live a happy life. It sounds like you've had a lot to work through over the last few years. Cheers!

as you said this is a choice you have to make for yourself. i know how hard it can be being a single parent. i know how it is to be without someone you love and care for. now i don't know what the two of you broke up in the first place, but i am not one for going back. life goes forward every single second of every day. and not only did you two brake up but he was with some else, that would be heart breaking for me. but i wish you the best

Distance makes a lot of differences in our life and we should try to avoid it if possible or try to maitain it in a different way to keep a relationship going strong. When we really love someone we don't want to part with them even for a single day and we know that when we try to be apart and we feel the love. You should take time and think about your prestent situation as if you do a mistake right now you are going to live with it for the rest of your life.

I'm not being funny but what makes you think he will stick around if you take him back? You might have been sitting around being single looking after your kid whilst he was out living it up with someone else. He's split up with her now and thinks "Maybe I'll go back to her - she'll take me back no problem!" I personally wouldn't trust a guy who left me and then tried to get back. There is no guarantee that he'll stick around for good this time and you could end up hurt 10 time worse if he leaves you again but at the end of the day, it's your decision whether you can trust him or not. Men do have a way of making us feel that they're very vulnerable when they want to - you say he's in a bad way, well he wants you to take him back so of course he's going to try every trick in the book to make you believe he's sorry for leaving you. A nyway it's only my opinion, I'm only this way about it because I've seen many friends over the years who've taken a guy back mostly because they have kids together and not once has it worked out!

You know you what you are gonna to do ! Don't u ? so go ahead!

lexius, in relationship sometimes we learn the hardway, we leave the honey on the table and go in for stale milk-when the stale milk sours, we get haunted by the decent sweet honey we needlessly abundoned on the table. You are a principled lady and I can see that inspite of the heavy and painful betrayal by your wana comeback lover, you stayed true to him. I know you still love him because there is something between you and him that you cant run away from-the baby!Take a little time and see if the turn around is for real-if it is for real, take him on and rebuild your love life again, hopefully, all will be well this time!

That's the sad reality. Sometimes you have to set the person you love free, let him try dating or having relationships with other women. Sometimes that's the best way for him to appreciate you. I commend you for loving him enough to forgive him and welcome him back to your life. It really is hard to forgive someone for hurting you.

With love anything is possible, laydlexius. You have some real thinking to do on this one. If a man walks out on you once it is always possible that he could do it again. You say that you have not been in another relationship while he was. This will probably come up again. It's not always easy for someone to unentangle themselves from a past relationship. Just think it over. I wish you all the best.

I think if you love him then you should give it another shoot! You should talk it out. I feel communication is the key. Good luck!

I can see in you that you are still very much in love. I had been in the same situation months before. Though we don't have kids. He had someone else while we were together. I was angry and hurt but I love him. He asked for forgiveness I didn't think of anything else but to forgive him. Time were tough, we weren't together but we were 'friends'. I tried so much to cut off communication but I can't help it, not having to know how he is, was more torture than thinking that he has someone else. But now, a few months passed. He is back. And this time it's different. I feel you, I can't explain the feeling. I trust him but I have doubts, I love him but I'm afraid (maybe he'll do it again), so many questions in my mind, so many people saying I shouldn't be foolish once again. It's really confusing. But one thing is for sure, I love him. I am willing to give it a shot. I'd rather be told I was foolish than not to try once again, for I know I don't want to live this life with regrets that I didn't do my best for a love I felt so true. But be cautious though, there is a thin line between love and stupidity. If I were you I'd give him chance, but let him know that chance comes with a price. If ever he does it again, kick him out for good. Life is tough, second-chances are limited. =) Good luck!

Wow. You've gotten some really good advice and perspectives so I'll just suggest focusing on the best interests of the children. That means being a cautious and responsible parent. If you rush back into a relationship based on need, chances are the relationship will fall apart. REGARDLESS, of whether you and the baby's father are romantically involved or married, it is in the best interests of the children to parent as partners. You and your child deserve a co-parent who is mature, self-sufficient and self-reliant, one who respects you and your emotional needs. AS for trusting one's heart, it is much more than wanting and feeling. There must be a proven track record for him to deserve your trust or you are asking for a world of hurt and that will interfere with your child's rights to parents who can communicate with each other in healthy ways. The answer is pretty simple if you exercise patience and restraint. Pose it to him in terms of the child being a priority more important than romantic exploration between the two of you and establish some groundrules and boundaries before jumping headfirst. If he isn't willing to put the child first and wants to focus solely on his needs and hard times, then you will only end up in an unhealthy parent/child relationship with him as the child and you as the parent/his rescuer.. and sooner or later kids leave home. Be careful.. Your child needs you to take care of his/her mother. Your child and you deserve to be treated well and with respect.

I have recently went through a problem like this we do not have children together but he was caught cheating and decided that he thought he fell in love with her. Well when he seen that I had moved on and was doing ifne without him which inside I was not I really was torn up but he seen me out on dates and realized what he had lost. The hardest part was the girl was my best friend of course which isnt that the way things go. Well he began to call me more and more and want to come to my house to talk about things than one day he broke down and told me how he had messed up and made the biggest mistake of his life. It took me a few weeks after that to I dont want to say forgive but open up and try to start over since than we have been great but it did make me grow a little colder inside because the situation was pretty screwed up. I told him how I will try to forgive what he has done but I will never forget but everyday that passes by it gets better and I am now engaged and I know it can always happen again but I dont let my guard down I realized what I let him do but you cant stay mad at someone forever especially when you know that is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I hope this helps you at all and whatever your heart feels you should go with.

we have the same situation when u said the the father of your baby left you and you've been apart for almost a year.but we but different reasons why he left me.It's because he MUST leave us for the reason that he's going to work abrod to give us a better future.you never stated in your discussion the reason why he left you.what's the cause of your separation?because i will it help you deside whether to accept him again or not.If it is better to stay off as friends or come back to each other's arms.beacause i believe that love is not the only reason why two people are meant to be together it's more on a respect w/ each other as a person,as a parent of your child.hope i gave u some bit of advice.have a nice day...

I think that would all depend on how you broke up in the first place. I do believe that the heart grows fonder when you are apart from someone you love, but theres got to be more than just love in the relationship. It must of been hard for you to be apart on your own and with your child, knowing that he was in another relationship. Did he keep in touch with you? with his children? or was he completely shut off? There's lots of questions you need to be asking yourself before you even consider letting him back in (which I'm sure you have been). Only you will know what is best for you and your child and only you can make that decision. Good luck and I hope it works out for you!

Dear Laydlexius, Since both of you love each other there is no point delaying the matter. Go ahead and accept him. Your future life will be more happy and pleasant since you both of your understood well what is really needed in your life. Your child will also be very happy to have real father.

i understand what you are passing through but since you said you love him very much and he really wants to get back to you,you really should give him a second chance to prove himself to you,also try to always tell him how much he meant to the kids and how the kids feels without their father with them.

if you feel you are ready to accept the whole package no ifs and buts then give it another try. good luck