Reconcile or Not?
By IT S JAF
@piesmeralda (388)
Philippines
July 31, 2007 11:53am CST
I have been busy lately that I haven't visited mylot for quite sometime. It's because of change in responsibilities.
In my previous discussion, my husband and I had just separated, because of some differences in dealing with responsibilities. For nine years, I seemed to be the head of the family, a working mother of 3, while he just kept on jumping from one job to another, and neglecting us to be his parents' responsibility. I left with the children. Now, he's telling me he realized his mistakes, apologized and want us back to make up with us.
It is really hard to be a single-mom but I can't tell if he's really changed. Though, I still love him, it's hard to go through it again. What should I do? During those times that I have to go to work and leave my children behind, my parents are supportive as long as my husband won't be in the picture, but I feel guilty of letting them do some roles in my husband's absence. I tend to pre-occupy myself with everything I could for my children, and it's hard.
I'm caught in between, my parents are trying to keep me away from him, my children keep on looking for their father, I am having difficulty in balancing the roles of a mother and a father. I don't know which one should I consider in my decision. Can anyone help me? "Sob."
2 people like this
7 responses
@surverymom (471)
• United States
1 Aug 07
Let me tell you. I have been through that so many times due to cheating, and name calling. I am still with him. I have left him and then went back to him. He has not changed I just found out he cheated on me a week ago is when i found out, it happened like a month ago. He says he has changed since then, but i have heard that so many times. If you stay he probably won't change it it will be a repeated thing. It will go good for a while then it ends. I am dumb for staying with him, I know. But something always tells me....he will change this time. This is the third time now. I am still here........why? I dunno. We have 2 kids together. I love him and I know he loves me. But I dunno. But if you stay he will think that since it happened before and you took him back you will take him back again. I wish I could leave so he will know I won't tolerate it. But I can't seem to go anywhere.......
@piesmeralda (388)
• Philippines
22 Aug 07
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. That would be the worst mistake my husband would commit against me, if ever. Don't lose hope....though my husband has other mistakes he did, and I left him for that. This is actually the 2nd time I left him, on different grounds, and the first one did not happen again. He was serious to promise not to do it again. After that first one, everytime we had misunderstandings, I wished I left, but same with you, I can't seem to go anywhere because he's not accepted by my parents, and they would just confirm that to me by leaving him and going back to them. This 2nd time is not known to my parents that we had a misunderstanding, until he had a clash with my sister and exaggerated everything that he and her husband talked about during a drinking session. This sister of mine, like my mother, is very open in showing that they oppose our relationship ever since we were still lovers.
I just hope that he is serious and truthful when he said he had changed. He's now starting to work things out the way I want it, like a new home of our own, his stable job, the rest will be expected when we're together. I will pray for your relationship with your husband too.
@surverymom (471)
• United States
1 Aug 07
let me also add.....no matter what people on here say.....do what is in your heart.
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
1 Aug 07
i had much the same experience, i just got fed up with my hubbys overbearing ways so i left him.
we were seperated for 6 months last year and we started dating again...we also went to counselling which i would suggest also, and dont worry about what your parents say
@piesmeralda (388)
• Philippines
22 Aug 07
I really appreciate your response. I agree, I have been thinking of counselling, I just don't know how to make it happen. I want both of us to undergo that so that he would realize there's something wrong with him. Though, he has admitted his mistakes and he's very grateful of me that I made him realize that.
Well, lately we've been seeing each other with the children, he's very thankful that I let it happen.
Right now, he's on a project of getting a new home for our family, while he's funding us for all our needs from his earnings. But we can't be together until we get into our own new house, I'm with my parents and he's not welcome here, while he's with his parents and I don't like to go back there.
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
1 Aug 07
Only you can decide what to do, but maybe by you leaving and showing him you can cope without him, it has made him realise the mistakes he has made.
I have had this with my partner and we have stayed together and are working it out. I am glad I made this decision even though my mum thinks it won't last or nothing will change.
It is so hard to say goodbye if you still have feelings, so maybe start again slowly to make sure he will stick by his word.
I wish you luck and hope you make the right decision for yourself and your kids even if this is not what your parents want.
@piesmeralda (388)
• Philippines
22 Aug 07
Thank you. I am really willing to give him another chance, but I can't afford to hurt my parents' feelings by going back to him. I have to make them understand or he has to make them understand that he realized his mistakes and he want to correct it and make things better. I just had a word from my mom the other night, she was asking if I am okay with my situation or I was just hesitant to tell them that I'm going to give him another chance. Maybe she has noticed that I don't talk negatively about him anymore. My mom said, it's okay, they can't force me to decide their way, it's my life and he's already my husband, as long as he'll initiate everything. I'd think that's a GO signal from my mom that whatever I decide, they'd respect it.
I still want to prove to my parents that we are meant to be, and I told him he has to prove it that I'm not wrong to choose him besides their dissapproval. I want my children to grow with an ideal father and be an ideal father/mother by the time they settle down themselves, by looking at us as their role models.
@medicsrep (130)
• India
1 Aug 07
Just joined My Lot and spotted your problem piesmeralda, I feel sorry for your problem. But take me its life and problems will occur ever. Life is a STRUGGLE! But learn to TACKLE it.
Don't worry dear, coz the problems have the solutions! UR problem also has the solution.
I spoke to my friend and discussed your problem. I think the solution to your problem is:Let him start earning and become the man you want him to be -- A sensible, responsible Father and Husband. Once he starts earning something weekly/monthly, and shows some affection, responsibility towards you and your children. Then you can evaluate and go back to him. That is the IDEAL Situation!This earning idea is just the LITMUS paper which will test if his confession is actually genuine.
My dear wish you all the best and May God Bless You!!!
Let me know how it works out...
Cheers,
Patricia
@piesmeralda (388)
• Philippines
22 Aug 07
Right. He is actually starting to realize that. He's now planning to get a new house for us, so we can live together and start a new life. We can't be together right now coz he's not welcome in my parents' house where me and my children currently live, and I don't like to go back to live with his parents either. We just see each other for the children to enjoy his company sometime. He is giving us support every payday(2x/month)for all our needs.
Thank you for the response and the well wishes. I'll let you know the progress...
@kitty1234 (1476)
• United States
1 Aug 07
Do whats right for you! If you think he has changed start off slowly and let him prove it. It is difficult to be alone and it is your decision so you shouldn't let anyone influence you. Do some serious thinking and the answers will come...
@piesmeralda (388)
• Philippines
22 Aug 07
Thank you for the response. I think I am after of what's right for my children, they'd been looking for their father and everytime I bring them to him, in a mall, they really enjoyed the company. I still love him though. I can see his efforts to win us back this time. He's going to get a new house for us so we can start a new life together. He realized and admitted his mistakes, and wanted to make it up to us. And, I let him initiate for all the things we need to start all over again.
Myabe, the moment I left him was the right decision for me, it made him realize and change to a better person. My mom already signalled an approval for whatever decision I will make, as long as he initiates for everything ang not me, or he would think, I'm still not over him.
@nanditacoomar (45)
• India
31 Jul 07
This is actually a very difficult situation,as I'm in it too.I'm a mother of two,and as of now I do not even have a job.I think you should really give it a good thought before you finalise any decision.One really can't say whether he's changed,but if he says he's realised I guess you can give him a chance,wherein you should still not hope for much of a change in him.I guess it would be easier to accept the worst that way.But only if you do give him a chance can you give your children their father specially,when the effort is from your husband's side.And I guess if you can work on a compromise,it would be perfect even for you as you still love him.Your situation actually gives me some hope in my own case.I wish you all the luck.Do let me know how thing work out for you,as I do feel concerned your being in my situation.
@piesmeralda (388)
• Philippines
22 Aug 07
It is very difficult. It has been 5 months that we have separated and I had a job for 3 months now, just to prove to him that I can still manage without him.
That's why I am confused, because I see efforts in him to prove he's changed, but I can't just take for granted the sacrifices my parents did to support me while he's not around. One of my requirements for us to go back to him is, that he will talk to my parents, when he already have a place for us to live, not with his parents, but our own. Thank you for your concern. I will let you know the outcome.
@cyndysue5 (27)
• United States
31 Jul 07
I applaud you for the strength I know it takes. Going back on his terms will just give him more unneeded power over you. Hon, go look in a mirror. That face you see holds all of the power you will ever need. While it is wonderful to love him as you do, You must love yourself, and be proud of what you can do for you, first of all.You are strong enough to say you need help, but evidently, he assumed you were his mother, and your not. Love yourself and those beautiful children first, the rest will take care of itself.
@piesmeralda (388)
• Philippines
22 Aug 07
Thank you. And, thank you for your response. Right, that was the first step I made, when I left him after we quarrelled. I just can't take it anymore that, he still has the guts to talk back to me when he has his shortcomings. I really thought he mistakenly associated me to his mother, that he just took for granted.
And I'm glad I did that, he now realized his mistakes. He's now in the process of doing the things he missed as the head of the family and get us back together.
