"Let's change the subject", but why?
By vega83
@vega83 (6342)
Bahrain
August 12, 2007 6:55am CST
I think it's really silly when people would rather not talk things out just because they think it might get serious.
Recently I met a friend, who I had seen after a long time. It was a group of us who had all gone to see her as she was in town. I was shocked to see her, she was almost like a toothpick, and when I spoke to her, I found out that she was so stressed that she had actually become anorexic. Now I'm not that close to her, none of the girls in the group were, but I felt that as her friends it was our responsibility to at least try and find out what was going wrong with her, so that we can help. I didn't mean to pry but no one even brought it up that she looked like she was almost about to fall dead until I did.
And then the girls wanted me to "change the subject", well, I'm sorry, I can't just ignore the fact that one of our friends might slowly be putting herself to death, and just so we don't make the day less fun, we're not allowed to talk about it. Well, I can't do that, I tried to find out what's wrong, and I gave her suggestions on what to do to improve her situation. I'm no expert, but I do realize that I can at least tell her that life is worth living, even if things look really bad. At least this way, she'll know that at least we care that she lives. If we don't talk about it then it's like it's not worth talking about.
But I kept at it, because I care about what happens to her, and what she's doing to herself, I know that she needs professional help, but it's always an intervention that comes before that, doesn't it?
Well, I don't think that changing the subject or not talking about it can solve anything. Ignoring the problem doesn't mean that it stops existing. I can't pretend like everything is alright and it's clearly not. I would rather talk about it and get it out of the way, and then we can talk about something else.
Well, it's really annoying when someone says, "Let's talk about something else", or "let's change the subject" or "forget it", like that would solve everything.
What do you think?
Do you think changing the subject helps or would you rather solve things by talking about them?
5 people like this
18 responses
@angelicEmu (1311)
•
12 Aug 07
I definitely think that talking about things is the first step to solving problems. However there are two things to bear in mind when doing this:
1. It's always better to talk about things like this in private in a one-on-one situation, otherwise people can get embarrassed. It's a case of finding the appropriate situation and being tactful.
2. Tact is in itself very important. The person you're talking to has feelings, and everyone responds differently to different approaches. If you don't know the girl well, you'd probably be better broaching the subject with care, as a. you're not close to her so therefore that in itself will be something of an obstacle, and b. you don't know whether she'll respond better to a direct approach, or a gentle introduction of the subject through a more lateral thing. Obviously the thing which is affecting her is tied up in complex emotions, so a confrontation wouldn't necessarily have a positive effect on her, and might actually make her feel worse. Broaching a tricky, sensitive subject is something which can sometimes take a long time to build towards talking about.
It could be that your friends spotted the body language of your friend who has the problem, when you tried bringing up the subject, and that the signs said "I'm not comfortable, stop talking about this". Sensitivity is paramount, as I said, and reading body language/facial expressions/the way the person expresses themselves to understand how they feel and how they respond to what you're saying/how you're saying it are all very important parts of communication, particularly in a scenario like the one you found yourself in.
I hope this helps, and I wish you and your friend all the best.
3 people like this
@angelicEmu (1311)
•
13 Aug 07
Ah well, obviously your approach worked better with her than your friends thought, and that's a very good thing. If she's at the stage of volunteering info, and acknowledging her illness, she's probably not too far from being able to get help. I certainly didn't mean to imply that you were being pushy, just that people with psychological illnesses (of which anorexia is one) might require a different approach to the subject. Good for you for being there for your friend, and picking up on her wish to talk about her problems.
1 person likes this
@seabeauty (1480)
• United States
13 Aug 07
I agree with you 100 percent angelic.
What you said makes sense.
You could still discuss the subject, just do it in a private setting where the person is not feeling ganged up on.
1 person likes this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
13 Aug 07
Well, I admit I could have been just a tad bit pushy in further discussing the subject, but not the whole anorexia thing, but things that were bothering her, that had led to it in the first place. I was just trying to be helpful.
The fact that she is actually "anorexic" was volunteered by herself, so no pushing there. I guess other girls around were feeling uncomfortable and sensing that I might be pushing her, but I didn't get that vibe from her, as later we were in the mall, and she would come to me and just start talking all by herself again without me having to ask anything.
1 person likes this
@raychill (6525)
• United States
12 Aug 07
Anorexia is not a problem that can be solved by just talking about it with someone you sort of know. Nor do I think someone who is anorexic would feel comfortable talking to someone they don't know all that well about their anorexia as it's a pretty serious and private matter.
I'm sure you know that.
So I don't see why it would have been wrong to change the subject. It's great of you to be caring and not want to change the subject but sometimes there are inappropriate ways to go about dealing with a situation... and if it seeming to go that way changing the subject is a good way to go about figuring out another way to help.
2 people like this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
13 Aug 07
Well yeah, that does make sense, but let me more clear of how it happened.
Well, we first saw her and it was of course shocking to see her like that, all skin and bones.
So as soon as we were in the car, I asked her what's wrong with you? you look anorexic, and she said that's because I am anorexic. So it was completely voluntary on her part. And then she told us about all the things that were going wrong in her life. And when it came to who wanted to change the subject, it wasn't her but other girls around us. She herself has never been the kind of person who doesn't like sharing. In fact there wasn't even a lot of questioning going around. So later we were in the mall, and whenever i was standing close to her, she would start talking about her problems herself.
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
14 Aug 07
But I guess if a person who has a problem is reaching out to friends no matter where they are, it's not wise to just change the subject, and not let her talk about her feelings. I mean, you have to understand that it was the only time she was allowed to ever go out with friends, and if she can't relate her feelings to her friends, then who else can she talk to?
@raychill (6525)
• United States
13 Aug 07
I guess than it was clear that your other friends felt uncomfortable. I know I would have and I, too, would have changed the subject. Even if she voluntarily started the conversation and everything I think being out at a mall or whatever is an inappropriate place to have a conversation like that in my mind ... and I would have done the same as your changing of the subject friends.
1 person likes this
@visitorinvasion (7709)
• United States
12 Aug 07
Ignoring problems & changing the subject doesn't solve anything. Talking about them then following up with action(s) solves problems. That's the main problem with our world today. Too many people can't be bothered with unpleasantness. Too many people are self-absorbed or would rather leave it up to "someone else" to talk about it or take care of it...whatever "it" might be.
I'm with ya on this one. 110%.
2 people like this
@misheleen73 (6037)
• United States
12 Aug 07
I think it was ok for you to let her know you care and that you are there if she needs you. But as for "changing the subject" Once you let her know you care about her, etc then you should have changed the subject. It may have been something she did not want to talk about or go into. She may have just needed a day with the girls to forget about all that is troubling her. I know there are times, I just want to forget stuff. I feel that if my friend wants to talk about what is bothering her, she will. I can let her know I am willing to listen and help in any way possible, but not be too pushy. That may actually push them even further away. It's just my opinion though.
2 people like this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
13 Aug 07
Well, the thing is that it was not her, who wanted to change the subject, but others around us. She was actually sharing voluntarily, and we were talking about it. I guess she hadn't talked about this stuff to anyone else, it's just that others around were maybe feeling a bit uncomfortable. I think she was feeling relieved on talking about it. I guess there is no one else she can talk to about this stuff, and the next day she called me up to talk some more about it. So I definitely don't think that I was pushing her to tell me, I'm not that nosy. If someone wants to tell me something then they do it themselves, or I don't push them.
@misheleen73 (6037)
• United States
13 Aug 07
I wasn't trying to insinuate you were being pushy, I was just saying how I would handle it is all.
1 person likes this
@rueandash1 (365)
• Australia
12 Aug 07
its quite ironic because i do believe eating disorders is a very real illness but is a cry for help and to be noticed, and what do people do pretend its not happening. good on you more people need to be told when you see someone destroying there life, i would have done the same. i believe it is showing true friendship and letting her know someone cares when she may be thinking that no one does
2 people like this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
12 Aug 07
I suppose it depends on the situation. In this situation I think that your friend needs to get some help and that someone should talk to her about it. I usually talk everything out with friends and family but I have had situations happen to me that I just couldn't talk to anyone about or it wasn't the right time or place for such things and would rather "change the subject"
2 people like this
@sugarfloss (2139)
• Malaysia
15 Aug 07
I'm a pro at changing the subject.I just don't like thinking or talking about something too much.I get migraines when I do.She must have a very good reason for doing what she did.Stay strong!
1 person likes this
@kelly60 (4547)
• United States
14 Aug 07
I can see both sides of the situation. For one thing, it is obvious that your other friends didn't feel comfortable with the conversation, and I don't think that I would have wanted to be having the conversation in a public location. In addition, I don't think that just talking about the problem is going to solve it, although it may help. I think that it may help more though if you could have later on discussed the issue with her one on one rather than as a group where your friends didn't want to be involved.
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
15 Aug 07
Yeah, i know what you mean, it's not something to just be talked about in front of everyone, but we've all been friends since school. Granted we're not all the best of friends, but we always talk about everything.
And the thing is that we didn't have much time to talk to her anyway. It was the only time she had ever been out with us, after a long long time.
@deadraven999 (1386)
• Saudi Arabia
15 Aug 07
I guess situations vary. But usually, we always need someone to talk to if we're down. I myself when I fall sick I love and appreciate it when someone asks about me and try 2 make recommendations even if they weren't of great help but at least he tried.
In some situations, I would definitely speak with the person directly and see what's wrong coz simply If I care about him/her I have 2 show it. But if the situation doesn't help, I mean if there are a lot of people around or the place isn't suitable, I will speak 2 my friend but privately either face 2 face which is better or over the phone. But eventually we must show we care (unless the person makes u feel he doesn't want u 2 interfere that's something else then)
1 person likes this
@deadraven999 (1386)
• Saudi Arabia
18 Aug 07
Do her friends who did not want 2 talk about it, know something about her that u ddi not know, like some illness she didn't want 2 reveal ??
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
14 Aug 07
Well that really depends on whether that person wants me to give them advice let alone talk about it. Anorexia or bulimia is a touchy subject and one that is not easy to talk about, especially in front of others. I would of spoken to her on her own about it and not in front of your friends. They may have even tried to talk with her and the friend may not of wanted to hear about it. I know you want to be there for her because she is a friend, but I may have approached it differently. It's not easy to talk about personal issues like that in front of others.
I would of enjoyed my time with my friends and when there was an opportunity, taken her aside and asked her if she wanted to talk about it, or if there is anything I could do to help her, i.e. find information, talk with someone or just be there to listen to her talk, if she wanted to. But that is just me.
1 person likes this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
14 Aug 07
Yeah, I completely agree with you, but this time the situation was tricky. She is actually sort of really stressed out because she is not allowed to see any of her friends and it was the only time we got into contact with her, I wanted to let her know that people cared for her, and she was volunteering information and was not the one wanting to have the subject changed, so in this case I felt that it would not be possible to talk to her about this some other time, so I had to let her know about my feelings on this.
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
14 Aug 07
Good for you vega, you sound like a really good friend who cares :)
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
16 Aug 07
I would want someone to enquire about my problem and then ask me if I wanted to talk about it or if I wanted help. If I said no, then I would want that person to respect my descision and leave the subject alone.
As much as it may hurt to do this, you have to. That is showing respect for their wishes. You can not make a person do anything anyway. All you really need to worry about doing is being there if they should ask for help.
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
16 Aug 07
Yeah, I totally understand that. And I didn't push her to further discuss her situation. It was the other girls who wanted to change the subject. I got the feeling that she wanted to talk. She called me the very next day wanting to talk about it more. So that is definitely a cry for help.
1 person likes this
@whyaskq (7523)
• Singapore
12 Aug 07
I do agree with you that ignoring a problem does not makes the problem goes away. However, at times, we need to change the subject because the person concerned might not be ready for the subject to be discussed. While enthusisam is good to help a friend, in my opinion, giving a friend due respect is more important. At times, to change the subject is for the better of everyone.
1 person likes this
@DelicateFlower (314)
• United States
9 Feb 08
It's definately good that she is willing to admit she has anorexia, she's made the first step toward recovery there, secrets out and willingly out. I think since she was willing to talk about it you should find a time to get together with her, just the two of you. Wait for the right time to bring it up, she might even hint at wanting to talk about it. Whatever you do, don't jump in and push YOU MUST RECOVER NOW, because if she's not ready in her mind, she will have a very hard time continuing to be around you and talking to you. Just be available. My guess is that since she is ready to admit to you and others that she is in fact anorexic, part of her does want to recover soon. Being a good and supportive friend, being there for her but not pushy is probably the best thing. She might not be ready for professional help, but honestly, if she really wants to recover, you can be instrumental in that if she wants your help.
@Powder86 (23)
•
12 Aug 07
I understand where you are coming from with this discussion as I have a couple of friends who have been anorexic in the past. It's something that we tend to avoid talking about in my group of friends as well. While I applaud your choice of wanting to help your friend, you have to understand that she might not be ready to talk about it, or be ready to accept your help. I know that in the past, when we have tried to bring up the issue, our friends have reacted badly and were not open to discussing any part of it. Fortunately now, they have both overcome their eating disorders for the most part, though I understand that they still struggle with food issues. I hope you are able to help your friend and she gets better.
2 people like this
@pinnibabu (135)
•
13 Aug 07
I understand your feelings for your friend. Must say she is lucky to have a friend like who really cares. In this case, probably there should have been a problem which she really did not want to share with anybody. I too sometimes tell my near and dear ones to "change the topic." This because I do not want to be grilled into a subject which i do not want to discuss in public. So please understand the situation and have a good friendship without being hurt.
1 person likes this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
14 Aug 07
Yeah, I totally understand what you mean. There were other people around, and it might not be her idea to share it with anyone, but I didn't push her into talking about anything, and she wasn't the one who was wanting to change the subject, but the other girls around, and since this doesn't concern them, and if it doesn't bother the one that is doing the talking then I don't see why it should be changed.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
13 Aug 07
I think you were right to bring up the subject and try to help.I would have done the very same thing..The only reason that the others should have tried to stop you and get you to change the subject is if she was getting angry.If she was angry and it was causing a lot of ill feelings then thats the only reason to change the subject.If your friend was willing to discuss it and talk it out then i would think that would be good,she probably needed someone to talk too..Some people cannot stand any type of comfrontation because they are unwilling to discuss things...Did you ever find out anything from your friend?
1 person likes this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
13 Aug 07
Well, that's just the thing, she wasn't getting angry or defensive, in fact she was sharing and I think that should have been encouraged instead of others hinting at changing the subject.
Well, she called me the next day and we spoke some more about it. Her parents want her to get married to someone she doesn't like, that's one of the problems, and now they've gotten her engaged to him, and there's no way to contact her, as she's shut off from the outside world, it's really sad. But the last time I talked to her, I tried to explain that she can't just give up on life like that, and instead fight for her life.
@YoungInLove (1254)
• Canada
12 Aug 07
My ex boyfriend does that alot. There are some unresolved issues that we need to talk bout and he just wont. I suppose theirs a time and a place for all conversations, but if its an important issue it SHOULD be talked about. Your friends in need and your other friends dont want to talk about it because it could possible ruin the mood? They should all know how selfish they're being. Nothing makes me more mad then people who dont want to talk about important things because they dont want anything to ruin their mood.
1 person likes this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
13 Aug 07
Yeah, exactly, especially if the effected person has no problems talking about it themselves. And in this case she didn't.
And thanks for understanding that I wasn't just talking about this particular issues, but all issues in which people would rather "change the subject".
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
12 Aug 07
I agree with you. So many problems could be solved thru communication. Unfortunately communication involves more than one person and if one shuts down the communication, there is little that you can do.
I don't think your efforts are in vain. Even tho no one seemed to want to talk, I bet your words played on their minds later on. As for your friend, maybe she was uncomfortable talking in a group but would be more open to talking to you alone? If nothing else, I'm sure it meant alot to her to know that you really cared about her.
1 person likes this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
13 Aug 07
Well, that's just the thing, the effected friend didn't mind talking about it, it was others who were saying "let it go", maybe they thought I was being pushy with her, but I was not, and I later knew that for sure, as this girl called me up the next day to talk to me all on her own. Of course I do realize that she might have felt a little discomfort talking in front of everyone. Maybe I could be a little more tactful.
