Why do battered women stick up for the men who batter them?
By ranitam22
@ranitam22 (1146)
United States
August 21, 2007 11:35am CST
I have a close friend I have know for about 16 years. she has always been a strong person mentally and physically. (she ran a lot of track and did other sports.) anyway, we ended up going to the same college and I feel partly responsible because we ended up being roommates and she started coming to hang out with me and some of my friends because she barely went out much. She ended up falling for a friend of mine's roommate (we'll call him Derek, and her Alicia) Anyway, from the start he was a little on the crazy side, demanding all of her time, not wanting her to leave, and he even stole her birth control pills so she would get pregnant which ended up happening not even a couple months later. She saw the signs and I tried to tell her to keep her distance from him because something isn't right, but somehow she ended up still going out with him. (It wasn't as though that was the only guy she could get because she had met nice guys as well in the past), anyway, she ended up getting pregnant and moving off campus into an apartment with him the next school year. She began to see the signs as did I, he would yell at her rudely first, and she just kind've brushed it off. She later told me that he had once threw a bag of oranges at her while she was pregnant. I constantly told her to leave him alone and get away. she ended up dropping out of school and moving back to his hometown where things i don't believe got any better. She had another child and ended going to stay with her sick mother who was dying of cancer. After she passed, she went back to him and found out he cheated on her. She retaliated and cheated too. he found out and he began to beat her(I'm not sure if this is when it first started happening or what) But anyway, she called the police and each time she would take him back. He ended up getting locked up 3 times in one month for abuse. I strongly urged her to go to court and testify so he can get what he deserved. She didn't tell me the court date and when I finally did find out what happened. she changed her story in court so all he got was a year of house arrest (can you believe that?) My question is why strong women at a time let men break them down being a child with their controlling behavior? Why didn't my friend listen to me? she knows it's wrong for him to hit her and knows it is abuse, but she said she didn't want him to get locked up for a long time. I feel like the longer he is locked up the less time he has to beat on her. what do you think about domestic violence?
5 people like this
10 responses
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
21 Aug 07
I have been in a relationship where I have been abused. i can only speak for myself, but i also protected him, lied for him and so on. The reason - He had convinced me that he was the pnly person who loved me and that I was nothing without him. I truly belived this and that made it hard for me to even think about loosing him. luckily i finally got out and today I am back to the strong old me - but I do belive that ANYONE can end up where I was - weak and totally dominated - no matter how dtrong you are.-
1 person likes this
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
21 Aug 07
yes i think a lot of brainwashing does go on from the start and once that person's mindset about themselves is changed and the abuser is constantly instilling bad thoughts into their head, i guess they do begin to believe. I'm sure they are not out enough to get positive compliments from other people.
1 person likes this
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
22 Aug 07
That is true. More and more people are being abused and sometimes you never know it until it's too late.
1 person likes this
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
22 Aug 07
I'm glad you were able to overcome the trial Marie. Here's to a brighter future for you.
As for your statement, yes some of the abuse is driven by brainwashing and passive acceptance by the victim. Its a sick situation, but I see it more and more researching relationships and looking at close friends/family and some of their relationships.
1 person likes this
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
22 Aug 07
I don't understand how you can really love someone that abuses you. I think it's more of the brainwash and the woman THINKS that that is how love is suppose to be, but you are right about a lot of times they stay in for the kids or different things like that.
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
21 Aug 07
I suppose that when these guys are not battering them, the relationship feels good. Its a see saw effect where the dynamics of their relationship goes from one extreme to the other all of the time. So she probably lives for the good times and they get her through the bad. Also, if he is the father of her kids she might feel very guilty about getting him locked up, although she should not feel like this as it is his own behavior that will result in this. As Lecanis said her confidence is probably at an all time low from years of his abuse. She needs to do something and my guess is that eventually she will. Many women don't do anything for themselves but when they have kids they act. Obviously this is not the case with your friend, but I suggest to you that you tell her that her girls will grow up thinking its normal to be hit by a man, this could strike a chord wiht her. All you can do is support her and be her friend, hoping that eventually she will see the light. You can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink...
good luck
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
21 Aug 07
that is true. i know my friend does worry about her children and I told her you see it on the news all the time, where the husband kills the wife, the kids, and then himself. You should never underestimate a person who has the nerve to put their hands on you. Thanks for the response.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16647)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
21 Aug 07
Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has a breaking point. Even women who have been strong in the past can be convinced that they are worthless, that the abuse is really their fault, that the abuser doesn't deserve to be punished. Even if she knows what he did is wrong, he probably has managed to make her doubt herself, or convinced her that his going to prison would just make things worse in their relationship. Perhaps he threatened to kill her if he goes to prison, or perhaps she simply doesn't believe it's anyone's business but her own what happens in her relationship.
I've known a lot of women in abusive relationships, and they always have excuses why they stay. It's so sad. I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger because the abuser protected me from a family member who had abused me worse. But as an adult I have decided that no one will ever treat me that way again. Until she makes that same decision, honestly there isn't much anyone can do.
1 person likes this
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
21 Aug 07
I think it can be all of the above at times for reasons women start getting abused. yes it can happen to anyone no matter who they are or what they do. True enough a lot of battered women feel the need to hide it because they are embarrassed, but I don't understand why they are embarrassed, it should be the person beating them up cause a lot of times the men are twice the size of the female. Thanks for your responses.
2 people like this
@susieq223 (3742)
• United States
22 Aug 07
The interelationship between an abuser and the victim is a very complex one. For one thing, abusers are not only violent, they are also very manipulative. They create an atmosphere in which the victim becomes very dependent--not only emotionally, but often financially too. They break down a person's self esteem to the point that s/he feels worthless and helpless without the abuser. They may also threaten them in many ways--threaten not only to kill the victim, but also relatives, friends and the children. It is difficult to understand for someone outside the dynamics. Most victims will return to their abuser several times before they can make the emotional break they need to.
1 person likes this
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
22 Aug 07
That is so true, abusers are very intelligent and manipulative. That was a great response. thanks.
1 person likes this
@candy111 (240)
• Philippines
21 Aug 07
The reason they stay is because they have become "victims", the more prolonged the abuse the more this identity becomes true. They start to have low self-esteem which leads to them thinking they get beaten because of something they did wrong. They start becoming powerless to stop the abuse. They get afraid to be alone and no one else would love her so she would defend the batterer to any extent possible. Sometimes it takes the abuser to do the same to their kids that will nudge the victim to reality of the situation and finally try to find a solution or leave.
Many times, abusers after the incident, would apologize saying it wont happen again, suddenly give a gift, etc etc which the battered one believes that this would pass and it will never happen again. Sad to sy, even if it does happen again, this ccle is repeated over and over.
1 person likes this
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
21 Aug 07
you are so right, it is a repeated cycle that i have seen with another one of my friends whose parents used to abuse her and once she got older she ended up being in abusive relationships. Once that self-esteem is gone it's pretty much easy for the abuser to do whatever they would like. I think if more women stood up against the name-calling or yelling when it first starts in the beginning. Maybe they won't get caught up in these relationships.
1 person likes this
@marciascott (25529)
• United States
14 Sep 07
I think they are use to having that kind of treatment, the guy always tell them that he loves them, the women giving them another chance, another thing if they have kids, or if the person is supporting them, them seem to take it because they have no choice, they are week.can't do any better. No one deserve phycial abuse.
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
22 Aug 07
i personally think that from the stuff that i have read it is because the victim is so brain washed, they think they deserve the beating or perhaps that is their only means of support or the victim thinks that no one else would want her. there are a variety of reasons why the victim returns to the abuser.
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
15 Sep 07
All of those reasons are true why a lot of people stay in these bad relationships. It is mainly brainwashing which is usually the first step. Thanks for your response, sorry it took so long to respond back.
@angie05 (23)
• Northern Mariana Islands
22 Aug 07
WOW.... I met my partner in high school since in 1994. We've been together for 13 years until now. He hits me before like am not the mother of his kids, he treats me like trash. The abuse STOP when I faught back like there was nothing tomorrow. Girl am talking about fist fight. After the abuse STOPPED, he started treating me like trash for 7 years and I never do anything to stop him. I think to myself that I stick up for him toooooooo long now. So now, he pushed me too far to the point where I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. So I spend more time with my kids and my friends, out of the blue day he asked if I still care for him, I told him straight out that I don't care about him anymore. Now am showing him that I can stand on my own two feet. This year 2007, were trying to make everything work but in a different way, were starting off again like new couples but in a different way where am in charge. Nobody deserves to be beaten up or to be treated like trash or to be treated in any way, everybody deserves to be treated like a human being.
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
22 Aug 07
Congratulations on getting away from your abuser. I believe it is a point where someone finally wakes up and says that they are not going to be treated like that anymore. Nobody else can tell you when to leave someone, i'm sure you had to do it for yourself. I applaud you and good luck. Everyone does deserve to be treated like a human being. Thanks for the response.
@alfecris (181)
• Philippines
22 Aug 07
As what i have seen and heard, women who still stick on their husband or partner even if they are being batter is that they are so blind to know that their partner is no longer in love to them. to think, the act of battering is an act to kill. i mean don't you think woman out there is experiencing this situation that your partner is a killer? things were proven as like this girls so you have to be awaken and see the real world what going on around you. i know for a fact thats why you still stick to your partner because you are still in love to him. if i were you you have to get out from him and start a new life. you gotta be tough.
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
14 Sep 07
well I was honestly not referring to myself. I am not in an abusive relationship, but I have had friends who were and that's why i wanted to understand. I do agree with you that people are blind and think that the violence and abuse is love and they get used to being loved in that way. Thanks for your response. sorry it took so long to get back.
