What would you do? Please help me decide.
By armywifey
@armywifey (882)
United States
August 22, 2007 8:24am CST
I will have to give you a little history on the subject before I get into the problem. I was married to a man who used alot of drugs and drank all the time. I didn't know this when I married him but not long after I married him I found out, and he became very abusive. He literally ran me over with a car, and he also strangled me when I was driving one, and cause me to wreck into another car. Well I divorced him. After I split I by conincidence met up with an old friend I had in highschool. We became best friends again, and would share everything. She had just lost her husband in a terrible accident and we helped each other through the rough times. I also found out that she dated my ex while they were in highschool, and that he beat her and also put a gun to her head. This happened a year and a half ago.
Just last week, I got a message from her ex husband ( she got married last year, but it only last a couple months)and he wanted to know what was going on with her. I told him I didn't know because I hadn't heard from her in a couple weeks. He said that he text messaged her and she said that she was sitting on the couch with Michael (my ex), and that they were dating now. Apparently they started talking on the internet and one thing came to another and now they were dating.
I tried to call her to see if it was true but she won't answer her phone. I finally talked to her cousin and she confirmed that it's true. That they were dating and he moved in with her.
I don't know what to do. I am worried about her and the safety of her two little girls and her unborn baby ( her ex husbands baby)She refuses to talk to me, and says I am being childish ( I heard that from her cousin) because I am making such a big deal out of it. Mer whole famly is angry because they all know how he is because they went through it before. She just keeps telling everyone he changed.
He has been abusive to every girlfriend he has had since he was 16, why would he change now? So what should I do?
7 people like this
18 responses
@lisa_wxy (393)
• China
22 Aug 07
oh,i can say that your friend was confused in love. people in such a relationship always tend to confuse,they can't judge a man correctly,or they just need love,and they don't want to confess the truth,they wish thing go to the ways they hoped.....
what you can do is asking her out in a proper time,talk to her very calmly,telling the deeds of your ex had done to his girlfriends.maybe she will think it over.
wish you good luck!
3 people like this
@armywifey (882)
• United States
22 Aug 07
She knows everything he has done to his other girlfriends, because he did it to her also when they were in highschool. She just keeps telling herslef and everyone that he has changed.
1 person likes this
@andyliuzn (1029)
• Guangzhou, China
22 Aug 07
Well, in my view,just let it be. As you know, everythin happens for a reason, if your friend really think he has changed and try to convince with other hs has become a new man. Why not give him & her a chance. Let's just wish that he could really become a good guy soon, it's never too late to change into a good guy. And if finally it turns out that he doesn't change at all, I don't think your friend your friend would be so stupid that she won't notice it at all here.
Now that she is preganant, you may try to talk with her in another way, or let's say, protect her in another way. Let her forget about that you are just afraid that your Ex-husband would hurt her in the end or something, but you are just trying to be good to her and her bady. I am sure that one day, everything will be clear and good.
God bless her and her bady!
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
22 Aug 07
Sad as it is, there probably isn't anything you can do. shes going to have to find out for herself. you could maybe tell her family about it and maybe they can convince her to leave. Her ex should also be concerned about the safety of his baby. if nothing else, i would hate for her to lose her kids, but the father of those kids should fight for custody. if she won't leave, atleast her kids should be taken out of that situation. if they get lucky enough to not get abused themselves, its still not good for them to witness their mother being abused.
@armywifey (882)
• United States
22 Aug 07
We did tell her mother, who she was very close with. Now her mother won't speak to her and it didn't help. She chose him over the objections of her family.
@cefaz_21 (2596)
• Philippines
23 Aug 07
Hi! I believe you have done your part..and you did what is best,you've talk to her about it, you have talk with her mom too and with her ex...apparently she looks very much into your ex and she won't listen.
Whatever may happen to her, no one will blame you. I salute you for being so concerned specially for the kids, we could only hope she is not doing them any trouble.
You can be vigilant about the kids situation..ask often how are they doing and once you knew of any abusive incidents you can always call the authorities and report it.
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
23 Aug 07
You have already done all you can do.This is clearly not your affair.
Let it go! Try to focus on your own life. Is it going perfectly, or are there some changes you could make. You will be much happier when you are thinking about your own Affairs.
@ibuemma (2953)
• United States
22 Aug 07
it is terrible. but i'm afraid it is all up to her. You might just want to pray that he does change ( from your story i doubt that too ). And maybe just kind of watch from far, and if it's going too far ( the abusive going on again )maybe you can approach her cousin again to find out what's really going on and get her out before things get worse.
3 people like this
@faith210 (11224)
• Philippines
22 Aug 07
Hi armywifey! That is terrible and I do feel bad for your friend too. She has a first hand experience of what kind of person your ex husband is but she still pushed on having a relationship with him. As for me, I think you can not help someone who doesn't want your help in any way. She will just come back to her senses if she will be hurt by that man again and I hope it would not get to the point of hurting the kids too. This is terrible and sometimes we feel so helpless. How the children's father, does he know about what fate lies to his children because their mother is having a realtionship wiht a man that is abusive? I hope he will get the children. Take care and I do hope you can find a way with your friend's family to talk some sense to her. God bless!
1 person likes this
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
23 Aug 07
well, there is practically nothing that you can do... you can only give her advice and it is up to her whether she wants to take it or not... i think as times goes by, your friend will learn what type of man is he and may be she can then take actions by then...
@lexus54 (3572)
• Singapore
23 Aug 07
I am really sad for your best friend. I really feel she is both confused and blind to love, so confused that she is in a state of denial that her relationship with this man will not lead to any dire consequences because he has changed. Actually, she should know better since she has the hindsight of past abusive happenings involving him. It is not easy for people with a history of abuse to just change overnight. He may look and sound normal now, but it only takes a bout of irrationality for him to wreck the lives of those that seek a relationship with him.
You cannot force your friend not to continue this relationship; you have no jurisdiction in doing that. You can only persuade her and alert her to the dangers of carrying on, and you have already done that. Perhaps if you know her other close friends, you can try asking them to persuade her as well. I think beyond that, you can't do more other than pray for her and ask God to speak to her about the relationship.
@lexus54 (3572)
• Singapore
21 Nov 07
Thank you for your vote. I'm still concerned about your friend's relationship with this man. I hope these past months have woken her up to the point of seriously thinking about continuing this relationship. Otherwise I can only pray that God will touch this man's heart, and change his abusive ways.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
23 Aug 07
your friend won't talk to you because deep down she knows you are right. These guys can always be nice for a time but sooner or later their true colors come out. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do but pray for her since she won't talk to you. Good luck to you.
@vinzen (1020)
• India
23 Aug 07
Hi, i would suggest that if you have already tried to talk to her and contact her and are not being able to convey things to her, or shes not taking your advice, just let it be, am sure God will take care.
Things like this happen and no matter how much we may try, what is going to happen, will happen and we cannot stop them from taking place.
I understand that its his nature maybe to be abusive, right from start, but like your friend said, hes changed and shes also seen his abusive side when they were in high school, so shes fully aware what shes going into. And if shes happy and want to go into this with open eyes, its her will, let her, and maybe he has changed, we never know. If he has changed its good for her,and if hes not, that just too bad for her. I am asure that in the back of her mind, shes also prepared for the worst,she knows what he can do and what he may do to her and her kids, yet shes going ahead with things. Maybe hes giving her the emotional security that shes not go in a while, maybe hes changed, maybe hes alright with her, maybe hes realised his mastakes and whatever he did with you, hes taking care not to repeat all that. So we never know how tables can turn.
Lets hope for the best, wait for some time and see what happens. You have tried your best and maybe you can keep trying a litle more, here after leave it in His hands, as when things go out of our control, its best to leave it to His.
@guext65 (129)
• United States
23 Aug 07
I think you already did your best to her. You do care about her. I know sometimes, people won't listen when they are in love.
You should try to be friend with her again, and do not talk about her new guy, how bad he is...etc..
Once she really becomes your best friends. and then you can do more friend talk and give her some suggestions. She may listen to you more.
@armywifey (882)
• United States
19 Nov 07
It has been three months and I haven't spoken to her at all. Not because I don't want to but because she won't allow it. I have basically been ignoring the whole thing until someone tells me that something has happened, although I doubt I will hear it. She has pretty much cut off all of her friends and family, which make me think he is back to his old ways.
@xXxMikesWifeyxXx (3072)
• United States
23 Nov 07
theres nothing u can really do unless u have evidable prrof on him and turn him in for whatever....and hes arrested
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
23 Aug 07
I think you have to leave her make her own mistakes, she has already had dealings with him if I understand the story right, and she is probably ignoring you because she knows how you will feel about it, some people seem to like the danders of fast living, it is sad about the kids I think it is up to her ex husband to worry about the kids you can't really do anything, people don't listen to anyone else when it comes to the affairs of the heart, they always go their own way, I think you should be just glad you are out of that relationship, somehow get it to her that you are there for her if she wants to talk to you and that you are there that is all you can do, it is nice that you are worried about her...
@cmsk2005 (1770)
• United States
23 Aug 07
This s a real complicated case. better to keep yourself away from that thig. If you know for sure how painful it is to being involved with that person and you are confident that you have warned ou friend, then no more thinking about them, forget completely, live your life, do not rui yourself for something like that. You have done your job and now you live the life, afterall yo have done nothing wrong.Get yourself involved deeply in something else which can keep you away from that story. You are a good person so you deserve better
@tuffy999 (794)
• Philippines
23 Aug 07
obviously your friend is confused and in need of help, but at this stage you can only do so much, and i believe you can be a big help if you can find ways and means to take out the young ones from her. something should be done for the children asap before it's too late. good luck. my prayers.
@sharesuccess (22)
• United States
23 Aug 07
Working in the legal system, I find that no matter what you do to warn a friend, if your friend is blindly in love with him, she won't listen to you. You can warn her and that is all you can do. But because it is your ex, she won't listen to you. As she stated "you're being childish and making a big deal out of it." It's sad because she is your friend and you do care but unfortunately most won't listen. All you can do is be there for her for how long it takes.
