Am I beating a dead horse here or what???!!!
By carissa765
@carissa765 (1097)
United States
August 30, 2007 5:11pm CST
I have a husband, and as newlyweds after only being married for two months, i am really really tired of his crap..
I am always working and cleaning and doing everything. Just this morning we got into a fight over this very thing. I woke up late because he forgot to set the alarm, and as soon as I woke up I started in on cleaning the house as always.
I asked him if he was taking the kids to school and he said "yeah" with such an attitude that I looked at him and asked him why he was being such a di#@.
Then he came out of the bathroom and looked at me in the kitchen and said speaking of being a di@# why are you being such a biT@*... I said because I am tired of doing everything around here... He said well if you do everything around here you can take the kids to school, so I stopped what I was doing and took them...
I work 70 hours a week and clean the house, and then I take care of all the laundry, and everything else....
Let me explain something to you... HE DOESN'T HAVE A GD JOB AT ALL... HE DOESN'T EVEN WORK!!!
So am I beating a dead horse here by constantly saying something? Or will he eventually get the point? Should I just keep doing what I am doing and trying to kill myself with everything to get it done on time??
HOW DO I MAKE HIM SEE MY POINT!!!??? HELP!!
5 people like this
16 responses
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
31 Aug 07
LOL can't shoot him no life insurance... LMFAO ;-P
2 people like this
@wiccania (3360)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I would suggest sitting down with him (maybe have someone take the kids for a few hours or the night) and just talk. Try to stay calm. Tell him that you understand how difficult it is to find a job (even if he's not bothering to look -- you get more flies with honey than vinegar) and you have no problem with shouldering the financial load. You are, after all, partners and you're in this together. Then explain (again, calmly) that it's very difficult for you to work so many hours and keep the house clean, and would he mind helping with the laundry and the dishes or something.
Being snippy and coming across like you feel like he isn't shouldering his load won't make him want to help or look for a job. But if you're kind about it, maybe stroke his ego a little bit and you present it in a way that says "I love you, and I need you" might get better results.
If that doesn't work, I'd consider couples therapy.
4 people like this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Gonna have to go for the therapy... Been therre done that honey thing, and it didn't work, so I have been through the vinegar stage, and that didn't work either, so now alls I got left is therapy..
Thanks for posting. I'll keep you posted on how it is going.
2 people like this
@Meljep (1666)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Men, for the most part, don't understand when women have outbursts. They don't understand that we stuff our emotions, and explode when it gets to be too much. They will just look at you and say - "What???".
A better way to handle them is to sit down and have a reasonable, businesslike discussion, and if necessary write down what the division of household chores should be. If this is never discussed then how can everyone be on the same page?
If one of the persons in the household is not holding up their end of the deal, then another family meeting should be called.
You are right, it is definately not fair for one person to be doing everything in a household. This leads to burnout.
Maybe you could present it to him like this - if he wants you to be the loving, cheerful person that he married then you need help!
Most men can't handle hearing that they don't make enough money or work hard enough. They feel threatened by people pointing that out.
If you present this problem to him without him feeling threatened, you will probably get the help you need.
Good luck to you!!
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
1 Sep 07
Thank you for posting and thank you for your good luck wish...
I think you are right on one thing, it is time for another family meeting. I do think you are wrong on one thing though... I was not kind and loving when he married me I am a bit@c and always have been..LMFAO. But how could you know..
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
31 Aug 07
First let me say that you don't have to clean the house everyday. Maybe once a week will do, unless you're always entertaining visitors.
Second, why doesn't he work and why are you tolerating it? I don't think it's fair that you're working 70 hours while he works 0, then doesn't help with the chores. You need more balance in the division of labor.
Sorry to say this, but he seems not man enough to take the responsibility of being head of the family.
3 people like this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Yes I have the children, and yes that is what I meant be cleaning everyday. I do the deep cleaning on Saturdays.
I don't know why he doesn't work, he is the type that thinks one application every two weeks is okay,and will get him a job.
I tollerate it because love will make you do funny things, and coming from an abusive first relationship, my mindset is still the same as it was when I was married to the first one. His money is his money, and my money is our money. This one doesn't ack that way about the money, but he does about the housework.. Women do everything cook clean and work in this situation. I mean why should he work when I am doing it all anyway? Like I said I guess this is my fault, I am just enabeling him to be this way.
Thank you for posting and hipefully the ballance shifts pretty soon.
2 people like this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
31 Aug 07
$10.00 A month or so he would not stick with it because it is not enough money for him to do it... trust me he is looking for the 15 dollar an hour jobs that don't exist anymore.
1 person likes this
@vokey9472 (1486)
• United States
31 Aug 07
When you have small children, cleaning the house every day is a MUST. Especially if you throw pets into the mix. I clean my house every single day and then do the major cleaning on Saturdays. I have to. With 4 dogs and a 5 year old boy, my house gets messy really fast. Also, there is just basic everyday cleaning that has to be done, like the dishes.
Most days, I have to clean the bathroom, do the dishes, do a load or two of laundry, sweep the floors (dog hair accumulates too quickly), put away toys, etc. Those are everyday chores that have to be done. I am sure that is what she means by cleaning the house every day.
3 people like this
@Rollo1 (16679)
• Boston, Massachusetts
30 Aug 07
You didn't say if the children were his or how long you had been together before marriage or if you co-habited before marriage. If you did, you already knew about how he was.
He won't see your point, because you do it all and work. He doesn't need to change because you continue to do it all. He may not want to change.
Talk to him about counseling for the two of you to see if you can reach an amicable and equitable solution to the division of chores. But I will say this, the more you accuse him and speak like that to him, the more he will feel justified in not doing anything to help you. I am not saying he's right, just that he will think he is.
If this is truly all a surprise to you or he has suddenly changed, then maybe you need to understand the reasons why. It could be that as a man, he feels less than he should be because he doesn't have a job.
All of this is far too complicated for a forum like this. Seek counseling and good luck to both of you in resolving your problems for your sakes and for the sake of the children.
3 people like this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
31 Aug 07
No the children are not his, and we were together 2 years before marriage, and lived together for 18 of those 24 months.
He was not like this before we got married, he always helped around the house, and now it is just stopped. He has had a job for about 12 months of the entire time that we have been together, and never acted like this before.
I will have to look into counceling. Can't afford it right now with only one of us working, but I'll have to see.
I will not go to the church for counceling, because I am afraid that if I step foot inside of a church, it will burn to the ground. LOL
Thank you for posting and I will follow your advice, at least check into it.
2 people like this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I think I am reconcidering divorce, even though I am really not ready to give up yet.
1 person likes this
@Rollo1 (16679)
• Boston, Massachusetts
31 Aug 07
Don't give up until you at least know if there is a problem that can be worked on. If he has been out of work a long time, it could be leading to depression and feelings of inadequacy, in which case, he is well-aware of how much you do. For some men, helping around the house doesn't count to them as shouldering their load, although for you it might count.
I do know someone whose modus operandi is to find women to marry or co-habit with and stop working as soon as possible and become nothing but a burden, so I don't rule that out. But be sure before you make a decision whether the problem is really his character or lack of it, or whether there are things that would help.
2 people like this
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
31 Aug 07
You shouldn't have to do this much if he won't even lift one finger. Or if he lifts a finger with the attitude of some quivermouth teenager. Don't put up with it. Show him what you do and if he doesn't get it, stop doing it and lets see how he handles it. I'm willing to bet he'll be more open to discussion once he sees how some of the things he takes for granted start falling apart all around him.
3 people like this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
31 Aug 07
The only problem I have with not doing it, is it will take forever for him to do... King of the procrastinators... I cannot stand for my house to be dirty as long as it will take him to do something.
I had this conversatino last night with a friend, I guess in a way I am enableing him to do it because I keep doing what I do. So I guess it is my fault.
Thanks for posting, and I will try my hardest to live with the mess until he finally gets it, but maybe after reading this one he will.LOL
2 people like this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Well he is not really a father, but he accepted the responcibility when he met me so yes he should be acting like one.
I have let things go before the only problem with that is I can't let them go as long as he can.
And thank you for posting and thank you for being on my side.
1 person likes this
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Don't worry, a lot of us are still here on your side if something else happens as you can observe :)
But usually, making the other people in the family do it is much better than taking it all in yourself. You are a wife yes, you are a mother yes, but guess what, he's a husband and a father (so he should be acting like one).
2 people like this
@Lindalinda (4111)
• Canada
2 Sep 07
It seems there is total overload in your life according to your previous posts. A job four states away, a father of your children who battles you in court, an ex boyfriend in prison with whom you are in touch and a husband of two months who does not share the work. Your problems are far too complex for anyone to help you on Mylot. You need professional counselling. There is no point in saying that you lived with this man before you married him, so you should have had an idea of what he was like. Maybe marriage to him is a ticket to a free ride in life. Maybe he is depressed. In any case what I would do myself and I am not saying you should do it. If there really was a job that allowed me to make a living and support my kids, I would leave new husband, exboyfriend and father of children and move 4 states away before the courts order you otherwise because of visiting rights. But then again this is just me. I urge you to get some help to sort out your problems and wish you all the best.
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
4 Sep 07
Thanks for all the best wishes, and don't think it hasn't crossed my mind to just leave it all behind. LOL
I have thought about counciling, but as I mentioned in my previous posts, I have no extra money and no insurance. Thanks for posting.
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I am a man and have been married for 29 years. I do not work in actuality. I do by being my fathers caregiver. he lives with us. But my wife works full time and therefore someone has to do the family chores and that one is me. He needs to get his head out of his butt and get his butt in gear and get a job if he wants you to do ALL the household chores etc.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
1 Sep 07
Thank you for posting Grandpa Bob... that is my dads name.. only my kids call him papaw..
Anyway I know you know and the whole universe knows that he should be doing his part, but he doesn't seem to know.LOL
I am glad to hear that someone still cares about their parents like I do.
@davido (1623)
• Canada
7 Sep 07
I think you said newly married? did you not court or date before you said I DO? or he just started all this atttude? anyway i think you have to sit him down and talk with him, mind you i said WITH him not to him. And of course pray for him ,i as a person i belive in prayer i hope you do as well.
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
10 Sep 07
He just started with all the attitude, and I myself do not believe in prayer. It is okay for some though, and not for others. To each their own I guess.
@faizaiqtidar007 (169)
• Pakistan
1 Sep 07
I have an idea, switch places for a week... let him do what you do & you relax like he does... thats how he will know what you are doing...
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
1 Sep 07
I have tried that, but the problem is I cannot out wait him, I cannot stand for the house to be dirty as long as he can.
Thank you for posting and for the advice.
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
1 Sep 07
I married him because he wasn't like this before only after when he was feeling like I wouldn't leave now that we are bound by marriage.
Thank you for posting, and thank you for the good luck wish...
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
1 Sep 07
Hes a Sh!t there's no doubt about it! Your problem is very simple! Do you Love him enough to support him and take his sh!t for the rest of your life? If you do......then go for it. If you don't get out of there as quickly as possible!
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
1 Sep 07
I'm not sure anymore, I think I do.. Then again I am rethinking a lot of things as of late.
Thank you for posting, and thanks for the advice.
@stwhitehouseDS (2)
• United States
1 Sep 07
I think the better question you should ask yourself is: why on earth would you marry such a deadbeat to begin with? Does he have any PLANS to get a job? What's the deal there? If he's not working and you are, hey, the housework is HIS job now until he IS working, which needs to happen soon, right? Need to be adamant about that sweetie, or you're going to end up with just another kid to babysit all day.... know so, been there. SuzEQ
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
1 Sep 07
He really wasn't like this before we got married.. I know that he keeps saying he is trying to find a job, but my question is why isn't he filling out but one application every two weeks or so?
Thank you for posting, and thank you for the advice.
@AugustBaby (21)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Well, Carissa I guess it all depends on if he was this way before you married him. Some people find it hard to change. He is CLEARLY not pulling his weight, you are living like a single mother! You have to have some consequences for his actions. Stop cleaning up after him, do not take the kids to school, don't do his laundry, don't cook for him. Take care of yourself and your children. Your words haven't been effected, it's obviously time for action. You know him better than I do, you know what will get a fire under his a$$.
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I stated earlier was not near this bad when I met him it is like after we got married, he was like well now she can't go anywhere and I can do what i want to do... So now I have tried everything in the book, I don't know if I am just not giving them enough time to work or what... He&& I don't know anymore..
Thank you for posting and all of your support.
@vokey9472 (1486)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Um, you have only been married two months? And things are already this bad?
My hubby and I have were really seriously considering divorce just a month or so ago, but thank God for meds and therapy. He is on meds and I am in therapy.
Anyways, back to you. Did he recently lose his job? Maybe he is just really depressed. Turns out my hubby was totally depressed about life in general and that was the cause of his many mood swings and why he was always picking fights and stuff.
My mom used to tell me that being a wife and mother were the two hardest jobs any woman could take on. Being a wife and mother are two 24/7 jobs, then you add the 40+ hours a week you work outside the home, plus the additional time ou put into taking care of your home. Mom always says that most women have 5-6 full time, non stop jobs while most men think that when they punch out at 5, they don't have to work any more.
The only advice I can give you is to check into anti-depressants, therapy and couple's therapy. If none of those work, then seriously consider what this relationship is doing to you and your kids. I think any marriage that can be saved, should be. However, some relationships are just too toxic and should be ended.
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
31 Aug 07
Of all people my father always said "a man will work from sun to sun but a womans work is never done" My favorite quote... My mom always said it was hard too, but she always said "just do it, and don't complain." So I guess I do a little of both.. LOL And yes I have 6 full time jobs. It sucks, but hey what can you do? I guess that is what I am trying to figure out on here huh?
Thank you for posting, and I will check into it.
@ARDYDOE (3)
• United States
31 Aug 07
I think you should sit him down. look right into his eyes and tell him that you are not happy in your current situation. If he acts as though he dosn't care give him time alone to think about his actions. another option is try a church many ofer new friendships that can entertain hard times and or free marrage counciling. the only thing I do know for shure is that giving attitude to each other does not help the situation.
1 person likes this
@carissa765 (1097)
• United States
31 Aug 07
sorry Imentioned before the church would probab;y burn to the ground I haven't been in so long, and and far as attitude it does not help for sure I know that, but it is so hard for me not to throw it at him when he is throwing it at me.
Thank you for posting,
