Hurting so much...how do you harden your heart for good?

It is normal for us to like and love someone and it is just up to us on how to handle our feelings towards that particular person. I know how it feels since I have been into some bad relationships too but from what I have learned, it is moving on with my life. Even all those bad things that happen will never be forgotten (for me).. the good things behind that relationship will always be remembered and cherished for the rest of my life regardless of how painful it is for me to forget and let go of that person and the relationship that we had. I think you shouldn't force yourself to not want somebody but rather force yourself not to give too much of yourself to any one. I mean, yeah.. we do give our trust to someone we love and in a relationship with that's why it is hard for us to accept the pain that they have let us feel from what they did. But that's what makes our lives meaningful, fruitful, etc.. On how we handle the pain, how we handle our lives after the break-up, how we continue and move on with our lives (separate lives) .. and how we rise up again from the fall.. Don't blame yourself for believing. They're not worth it. Not your tears, not everything. It's their loss, blame it on them. But be happy that that person left you because that person is simply not the one for you.. The right one will come, a little patience will do. Best of luck! ;)

I feel your pain, Designing. I completely understand where u're coming from. I think that the excruciating pain makes MOST of us, at some point, want 2 NOT "want" anymore, because it can simply be 2 much 2 bear. But, I don't think u can ever NOT "want"! We're "designed" (Designing) 2 want, 2 desire. I think it's a natural response 2 WANT 2 "harden" your heart, 2 protect yourself from future pain, but when u do that, u're not really fully alive. My mother always told me that "the same walls u erect 2 keep all of the 'bad' stuff out are the same walls that keep all of the GOOD stuff out as well"! So, as much as it hurts, in order 2 receive the TRUE LOVE that u desire, u must remain OPEN, which means being VULNERABLE, and unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how u look at it), that means running the risk of being hurt again. I think there's a saying that says that "big rewards require big risks"...something like that. Anyway, everyone else has basically said what I'm thinking as well, which is 2 look deep within, and 2 discover why u continue 2 attract "abusers", because, the painful truth is that we ALL only attract what we are, so basically there is something in u that is attracting this abusive energy 2 u. I know this is difficult 2 do alot of times, even though u've been doing it, as u've said. I have a difficult time with this myself, because, I, like u, have had many painful relationships myself. But, like they always say, the common denominator is U (u, meaning ALL of us)! And, as far as u being "wrong" again, I don't think it's about being "wrong", per say. I just think that this is an indication of something that still isn't healed within u. Everyone acts as a "mirror", so it's just 2 let u know what's still going on inside of u. I'm just like u, in that I've felt like I was completely healed b-4, only 2 then attract the same scenarios, and have the same dynamics, over and over again. But, at the same time, u've probably still made alot of progress, if u really look. They say that life is a spiral, so we keep crossing the same "terrain" over and over, but from a slightly higher altitude each time (hopefully). So, hang in there. So, 2 sum this all up, I would say 2 not stop wanting ('cuz I don't believe u can stop anyway...u'll just be fooling yourself). And, I know u hate what men have "done" 2 u, and u hate yourself 4 "letting them" do it, but I think the most important thing is 2 look at yourself, and ask yourself what are u doing 2 YOURSELF, because everything is always about U, at the end of the day, so everyone else's behavior 2-wards u, just reflects how u treat yourself. So, I would take some time ALONE (even though I know u've BEEN alone alot, which I can also relate 2, ALOT), and keep the focus on U! Ask yourself the hard questions. How do u REALLY feel about YOURSELF, deep down? What's the "self talk" u give yourself? What do u feel u TRULY deserve? What are your true SUBCONSCIOUS beliefs, because, really, it all comes down 2 our BELIEFS! Even if u say u want different, CONSCIOUSLY, subconsciously, u may believe very differently, which will cause u 2 attract what u DON'T want! I know this is true 4 me, as I'm currently "connecting the dots" in my own life path, thus far. So, u have 2 delve deeply. What happened in your childhood, that might still be playing itself out in your relationships 2-day? What was your relationship with your father like? What feelings have u "stuffed" down (possibly) about things in your past that have upset u? What beliefs do u have about men, in general, deep down? Maybe u need 2 really just cry alot (if u haven't already), and cleanse your soul, and FEEL all of the pain, without trying 2 "stuff" it, or get rid of it, or pretend like it doesn't matter. 1 thing I've learned is that pain doesn't go away, no matter how much u try 2 ignore it. It'll stay with u, sometimes 4 years and years, until u face it head on, and feel it completely, and release it from your body. I wish u the best. Know that once u're cleansed of your negative emotions, and u really love yourself, and feel good within your own skin, that your relationships will reflect this new space u'll be in. Take care.

That is a really sad story and I am sorry that I cannot do any more than offer sympathy. You sound a bit like you want it both ways - you don't want to be alone in the future but you don't want to be with anyone either. What you are talking about sounds a bit like emotional hypothermia - where you are so cold that you don't even feel cold anymore. The problem with this is that masking pain in that way doesn't mean you aren't hurting it is just not so obvious. It is not your fault that the men you have been involved with are weak, inconsiderate or just plain abusive and the fact that you are still here and have raised your children well speaks for your strength. I will hope that you find someone worthy of you when you are ready to do so.

Okay, listen up very carefully. I have been where you are and I know how you feel and I want to help you. You were right in saying that you let them do it. No one can do these things if we don't allow them to. The Bible simply says, "Do not be angry about the things that you allow." Now, I do not think that you need to swear off relationships forever, but you may need to do it for a while. It is time for you to search yourself and find out what it is inside of you that makes you attracted to abusive men and what makes you attractive to them. It is time to work on yourself. Because, you are only as healthy as the person that you are in a relationship with. If you want to attract mentally healthy men. You yourself need to be mentally and emotionally healthy. This may take time, but you are worth it. There are many self-help books in the library and bookstores to help you along the way. First of all, you do not go into any relationship thinking about what you can get from that person. You should be focused on what you have to offer. If he is healthy, he will have this same attitude and that way each person in the relationship is meeting the needs of the other, while having their own needs met. If people go into relationship only thinking of themselves, each one is taking and no one is giving. That will never last for long. I am working on myself now and have been for a while. Right now, I am learning about emotional intelligence and it is really making a difference. Bottom line is this, if you want the best man for you, shouldn't you also be the best woman for him.

I know exactly what you mean.I just had a really rough time with someone I thought I could trust and got tromped on.There alot of cowardly men out there.I think I've dated or gone out with a good many of them.I hate to say it but these days it seems better just to stay to yourself.

How do you harden the heart after going through relationship hell? Look at yourself, take a good damn hard look. Always, in the mirror, convince yourself you are somebody, you are worth it, damn worth it, and that no one will hurt you again. If you find someone that puts you through more crap, show them the door. Also, never forget that you were hurt. People can say we let ourselves get hurt, but its not that simple. It takes two or more for that to happen, and other times we are dealing with pretenders so we don't see the hurt coming till its too late. Its perfectly fine to remember how you were hurt so you have less chance of repeating it. Guess what? You go on the dating/relationship scene again, adopt a 1 strike rule. You screw up in my league you are gone, I'm not putting up with the crap, neither should you. But definitely, you must learn that you are worth it and above it all. That's how I am. I'm DAMN worth it, and I've flipped my relationship stance a near 180. I don't want to be with someone, someone has to prove they are worth my time and attention, not the other way around! I've also picked up more on my hobbies (some, the same hobbies some in the opposite gender find "loser like". My response: what-&%^$#@-ever!) I'm becoming a much better person and proud of it. I'm definitely to the point where I do not need another to complete me, I'm pretty complete and content already. You have to come to that same point as well. Live your life, be free and be happy! Also, don't let people say vengeance isn't an answer. It is. I always satirize and make fun of the harpies that put me through a bunch of crap, I satirize and demean them all the time. You and I are human, and yelling at, getting angry at these things and getting on with life is all a part of the process. Long story short. You are worth something, keep reminding yourself of it. Rise above society and dating expectations. Its a bunch of crap and you can be very happy alone and living your life truly free. Demonize who hurt you! They EARNED it! Plus its a good release and way to get over it. Don't tolerate crap again, not even in the least! Put all of that together and you'll be able to wear a heart of hard iron when dealing with the opposite gender in relationship situations. No matter what you choose, be free. Forgive me for being macabre and ogre like but it had to be said. You take care Designing life. You are not as alone as you think.

I am so sorry that you have had to go through so much.I feel that a person gets in a rut, they find someone abusive and it seems they just rotate to abusive men...I think you should change your standards a bit,start to looking in a different area...I have been like you but i started changing the way i looked at things.I quit falling for the needy, dominating, controlling type....Be a little more choosey,get to know them really well,and don't fall so quick..I know that we all want to be with someone and we all want to be happy,but sometimes we have to totally change the type of men we seem to like.I have found a man ,we are married and he is very good to me...He was not my type,or at least thats what i thought...Looks is not everything,look deeper,and also get a little bit better feeling about yourself...You do not deserve to be treated badly,you should be someones sweetheart but not to be dominated and abused...I can tell that you are hardening up a little because you are sick of men and how they treat you,this will be the first steps to finding a Good man...Do not allow yourself to be someones door mat,maybe you are just too nice...Once you get toughened up some and stop taking what men puts out,then one will come along who will appreciate.you...When you do find someone ,don't put to much into the realtionship until you really know him.there are some sorry men out there,but i still feel there are some good ones left,so don't give up.Good luck to you.Hope you find a perfect man for you..

Well I'm going to try to say this the best I can. These types of things will and DO hurt really bad, Whenever you think you love someone you make your open to a world of weaknesses that can be attacked at any time by people that don't care. There are however people out there that do care for others, and don't want them to suffer. I stronly believe that no one is meant to be alone, it's only natural to want a partner and not be alone, because nobody wasnts to be alone no matter what they say. As much as these things do hurt you, you just have to allow for the proper "healing" time and then start over again. The only advice I can give it take as much time as it takes to mend a bit then try again, but at the same time be very careful.

At first I want to tell you how sorry I am for you.The storie is really sad.But try to move on.If I want survive alone I try to find something what I really enjoy.You should try maybe some new sports or go to the course and learn something new.I think the best way is the fill up your time and do not think about past what had happen to you.the time will pass and one day you would be ready again to fall in love with somebody, even if you think now it will never happen again.We never know when and weher we can meet our partner.I hope you would find the right one finally.