What do you do when your child's friend is not a desirable friend to have?
By princesslee
@princesslee (158)
Australia
September 30, 2007 4:39am CST
We all like our kids to have friends, but what to you do when a friend is not the type of kid you want your child associating with? My son has a friend, Mark. Mark can be a really nice boy, & is polite when he speaks to others, but he gets into a lot of mischief. The other day at school my son got into trouble for throwing rocks - something he would not normally do. He was with Mark, who started throwing them so my son joined in.
This is not the first time my son has been in trouble because of Mark. I don't mean to say my son is an angel or anything, but you know how kids mimic each other. My son is ADHD so easily led astray. After being on medication, his behaviour had settled. He was doing well. Then he started hanging out with Mark and his behaviour has declined.
The boys are both 9 years old. Mark has come to our house a couple of times asking my son to go out and play. Mark's form of 'play' is to roam the streets (I doubt his mother knew he was even at our house). The last time he came round I told that I'm sorry, but I will not let a 9 year old roam the streets!I was hoping that my son could help Mark's behaviour improve at school but instead my son is getting more like Mark. His teacher said Mark is learning social skills so I hope this helps. I don't want to deprive my son his friend, & as I said, Mark can be a sweet kid, but I teach my kids good values - I sure as heck do not want my son throwing rocks again!
3 people like this
11 responses
@TheCatzMeow1 (579)
• United States
30 Sep 07
This is tough, I know. They're going to see each other in school so you can't really separate them totally. I would think the next move would be to talk to your son about the situation. Let him know the consequences if he choses to do what Mark does, and they get in trouble together. Maybe when Mark comes by, they could hang out in the yard? Then you could tell your son there would be no more of that if he can't behave around Mark. I guess you would just have to experiment and find what works. I totally understand that you don't want to chose your son's friends for him. It's just getting him to understand that you have to step in if the friendship causes behavior problems. Good luck!
@princesslee (158)
• Australia
30 Sep 07
My son has been told how to behave, & I've encouraged him to help Mark, but Mark is one of these kids who just does as he pleases. Mark has even been suspended from school but it doesn't stop him misbehaving. As for letting Mark play here, the other problem is that I'm sure his mother has no idea where he is when he goes off. His teacher told me there have been times he has not returned home from school until 7pm! His mother never knows where he is & she never goes to the school so I can't speak with her either. I just don't think it's right to let a child stay with me if his mother doesn't know where he is.
1 person likes this
@TheCatzMeow1 (579)
• United States
3 Oct 07
Oh no, I wouldn't expect that you would have him over when his mom has no clue where he is. I would never suggest that. I'm at a loss as to what I would do. I guess we just never know until we have to deal with the situation.
@runsgame (2031)
• India
1 Oct 07
very hard situation . we shopuld not scold or shout on our kids. we need to handle the same with more cautious since any effect which may turn adverse on either side. the childs mood should not get affected. passify him or her with soft words. tell him about the adverse factors of the friend after also comparing the plus points of the same friend . try to bring the friends forward and for some group discussions . let their feelings be shared . tell them moral stories . and it will be and can be cured and settled sooner
@princesslee (158)
• Australia
1 Oct 07
I didn't say anything about scolding or shouting. My son doesn't need pacifying! My son was not allowed on his PS2 for throwing the rocks & he & I had a good talk about why it was the wrong thing to do.
@luvadeal46 (289)
• United States
30 Sep 07
i would explain to your son that throwing rocks is not appropriate behavior and will not be tolerated...I would then explain to your son that you are happy that he has found a friend but sometimes friends can lead you down the wrong path and that he is his own person and that maybe his influence on mark could be a positive one. Go into detail about what you mean about positive...children at the age of nine would need some help understanding this.. maybe give your son some examples of positive behavior that he could share with mark. It's hard.. when I first read your post my first thought was tell him he can no longer play with him blah blah blah and in a perfect world that might work.. however we live in a world where we have to deal with all types of things and teaching your son to be his own person in these circumstances would be very helpful and in return you may be saving a troubled child(mark) by teaching him positive ways to handle things.
@princesslee (158)
• Australia
30 Sep 07
Yes, my son has had a good talking to & was punished by not being allowed on PS2 for a few days. I've also told him to show Mark the right way to behave. Mark can be good, but then he'll get around other boys & start playing up again.
@SHAMRACK (8576)
• India
1 Oct 07
Hi,
In my case I had friends those were not like by my mom. So mom used to say to be carefull still I maintained my friendship with those friends. But I never went for those bad things they did. I do know my mom is worried on that getting involved bad company. Any how this may not be case of all. It may depend how those parents keep their child and make them understand with more intelligent menthods or provide them with good time pass that get them more interested like buy a better book, games cd,movies make them interested in positive sides.
@Malyck (3425)
• Australia
30 Sep 07
Well it sounds to me like you've got the right views already.
I know too many parents who would instantly cut the friend out of their child's life, but I think it's great that you recognise that this is not the right decision, or a choice that you should make for your son.
I think if I had children in a similar situation, I would encourage them to continue their friendship and also get more involved myself.
Perhaps invite Mark around whenever possible for the day or for a sleepover - get him interacting in a more positive way with his friends as well as his elders -
it sounds like he just needs some more direction as you identified his great personality traits also.
While you're teaching your own son values, morals and ethics, get Mark involved too, make him a part of your family as much as possible, it sounds like he's not much of his own.
=D
Best of luck!
@princesslee (158)
• Australia
30 Sep 07
Thanks. I know I can't stop my son seeing his friend at school anyway. I'd like to invite him around but from what I know & have been told, he is one of these kids who, once invited, will virtually live on my doorstep, so to speak.
@linusv2006 (209)
• Philippines
30 Sep 07
my son had a friend who's violent and he usually hurt my son.i dont know how his parents raised him but i've raised mine with full of love and as a result,he's very kind and a non-violent person.but i came to a point when i can not tolerate the kids who harm him so i've told him to stay away from them unless he knows how to get even with these kids.i wouldnt want my son to be undermined by this kids so i've juz explained to him his friend's behavior and told him to look for a better one
@wmaharper (2316)
• United States
30 Sep 07
While i know many parents like to allow their children to make their own desicions, there will come a point where you will have to decide whether you will allow him to be influenced by this boy. Yes, there are times where he will be unsupervised by you, and will see his friend, (ie school) but if i doubted the moral conduct of one of my child's friends, I would take strides to help my son make better friends. THere really isn't much you can do to keep them from playing together at school (short of taking him out of school and homeschooling him, but I think in this situation that would be quite excessive) but you can stop him from playing with him outside of your supervision. If Mark is a friend that your son can't be w/out, I would suggest having him over to your house. If you think your son is indifferent about his friendship, I would encourage helping him to find some friends that hold to the values that you have been trying to teach your own son. Just because your son and Mark are friends, doesn't mean they have to stay friends, that can be completely up to you. There are times in our children's lives, where what mom and dad say must supercede our children's wants, you just have to decide if this is one of those instances. Good Luck!
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
30 Sep 07
Hey there, my son is 8 and a half and is special needs. Once he started school he developed problems socializing with his peers. He tended to lean towards the more "active" boys as they seemed to accept his odd speech, vision, etc more than other children. He did get in lots of trouble for behaviors I know he would never have done on his own and was easily influenced by these boys. I knew two of the boys mom and she didn't watch them very closely. Cops were called several times due to them going missing and this is when they were ages 4 and 5. They were always roaming the roads and woods in our area. It was difficult to weigh my sons need to socialize against my views on how a child should be raised. I never let my son play outside unattended.
What has worked for me is that I spoke with the school several times to let them know that there was a problem. They started to get better supervision for him and he is now doing well there. (A new record, I haven't gotten a call from the school yet for him this year)YEAH As for the home life, I get him involved in activities like soccer and book clubs so that he can still learn social behavior in an environment that is more controlled then running the roads.
Good luck! It is a slow process but it eventually gets better. Vicki
@vinzen (1020)
• India
30 Sep 07
Yes, i can underastand your problem well too and i think the best way would be to talk to Marks mother maybe.
As its tough to teach another persons child what right or wrong as very rarely they will listen or adhere to what you are going to tell them , as what you may want Mark not to do, or may try to tell him right from wrong, maynot work, specially coming from you, so , another alternative as for me woudl be to talk straight to Marks mother. Tell her the problem you are facing very frankly and let her know that you would prefer that Mark stays away. let her know your sons a ADHD too, so that she understands the problem too.
Its true that maybe your son may loose a friend, but they are quick at that age to make new friends and this time maybe you can choose the right kind of friend for him and help them become good friends too. Its only when he leaves Mark that he will look out and hunt to make new friends too, so there no harm trying this out. Its seems tough at first, but nothings impossible if you put and set your heart and mind to it, isnt it? and its for your sons benefiet too.
@gtchild (20)
•
30 Sep 07
This is a difficult one because the more you discourage your son from seeing this boy the more attractive hanging out with him will appear. They are nine years old and both of them will be changing rapidly over the next few years. How many friends do you still have that you had when you were nine? I suspect very few. So the long term prognosis is positive. The other possibility is that his friend will not turn out so bad after all, why not engage him and explain what it is about his behaviour that you find unacceptable - maybe no one ever has!
