My story of first love

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We all have stories about our first loves :) Well this is mine. Feel free to read/comment or share your own experiences. I met him many years ago. We met online. I was 17 or 18 at the time. After a year or more of chatting, we finally met in real life. He too was very young, a year or two younger than me. I was about to turn 19 and had been out of highschool for about a year. He was about to graduate from highschool in a month or two after our initial visit. He was my first everything. First handshake, first kiss, first date, first boyfriend, first intimate experience. He was my best friend and he made me laugh like no one before or since then ever has. We would stay up all hours of the night sitting at the foot of the bed just talking. We would go to the park and just sit or take walks. But most of all we shared a love for gamaes and other common interests. We were together for about 1.5-2 years, and had broken up twice. (The second time would be the final and last time I would ever see him.) Both times he left me very poorly, Afraid of confrontation. The first time was by far the worst. I woke up that morning to get ready for school (Uni). We made love and I got cleaned up and ready for class. He kissed me goodbye and told me he would have dinner waiting when I got home. I came home after class to find him and half of his stuff simply gone. No note, no phone call, no explanation. No warning that our relationship was even in danger. It blind sided me. I didn't understand then, couldn't fathom what it was that I had done to deserve this. I couldn't understand it then... Now, I am older, and I can look back with almost certainty and see what it was I had done wrong. I was a very jealous person. I would fly off the handle easily and for no reason. I was so insecure with myself, the way I looked, and everything else about myself that I just couldn't stand to have anyone around that I viewed as being better than me. No amount of comforting/reassurance can give someone self confidence. I still don't feel that great about myself, but I have learned to deal with my insecurities now in a much more constructive way. I still get a little nervous or scared from time to time, that is human nature right? I look back and I think of how terrible I treated this guy. I can even look back at the beginnings of my current relationship and see that I was still trapped in this self destructive cycle. About the only reason that I'm not still like that is my boyfriend now was paitent enough (if you could call many many bad fights being "paitent") to stick around with me and try to work things out. I'm much calmer now and my current boyfriend actually has plenty of friends both male and female, goes out clubbing, does pretty much whatever. Had that happened a few years ago I would have most likely pitched a fit. My punishment now I guess is blaming myself. I have to blame myself every time when I miss my ex, when I think about the relationship... I used to feel sadness and confusion, but now all I feel is guilt and pain for my mistakes. It's been almost 6 years now since I've seen him/spoken to him/had any contact with him. I have moved on and have adjusted relatively well I suppose with my current boyfriend. January makes 5 years in the current relationship. But even so sometimes I still think about my ex. Sometimes I really want my "bestfriend" back. That can never happen now though and I realize that. I just noticed that "first love" stories seemed to be a popular topic here and thought I would share mine as well :)