Double Standards?
By xenokitten
@xenokitten (68)
United States
October 21, 2007 2:44pm CST
I'm in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend lives about 2 hours away and most of our relationship is sustained via the internet. We have been together for almost 5 years now. I went out with one of my friends lastnight. (A female at that) And he got all mad. I left him a message saying I was going to go see my best friend for a few hours. I came home and there were like 20 angry messages from him saying he wanted to break up and "who do you think you are" and screaming about how I "broke my promise".
I had told him the night before that I got off work around 3 and we could level (we're both big gamers and play an online game together). And I had not known my friend would want to go out etc. I was just saying it cassually, like Oh i'll be home, so we can play if you want.
He was all flipping out like "How dare you, you knew I wanted to level with you. Who do you think you are?"
Now I rarely ever go out. Maybe once a month, if even, and I never stay out real late.
To make it worse, my boyfriend goes out whenever HE wants to. So who does he think HE is to be giving me ulitimatums and accusing me, ESPECIALLY when his friends are females, one of whom kissed him (long complicated story, she was drunk and he did push her away and told her he had a girlfriend but he still hangs out with her although not much anymore because he said she "got annoying" and mad when he would visit me instead of going to her house to watch football or whatever), and they go out clubbing and drinking and I can't even go over to my female friends' house for a few hours?!
After argueing for about an hour he suddenly just snapped out of it and started talking like nothing even ever happened. So I guess he forgrave me. But it ticks me off.
There were many a time a year or two ago where he would tell me that he wanted to level and then decide to go out with his friends instead. And i kept telling him that lastnight and he just ignored it or said "don't turn this around on me"
But I would get upset and say he broke our promise to play together and he would tell me we never had a promise and that it was just a game and his friends had asked him out and he went with them
so what the heck, why are relationships always full of double standards? I hate that.
I used to have really bad jealousy problems, Our relationship has had ups and downs, but I've come to terms with them, because he has told me that if I dont trust him then I dont love him. He has told me that he will do whatever the "F" he wants and if I don't like it "tough".
He has also told me that I need to go out more and have more of a social life and that we need time apart from eachother and that I need to be more independent and not so clingy...
Yet when I do go out he flips the heck out and acts like a crazy person.
/rolls eyes...
I swear if I didn't love him... but I do. Are all relationships like this or do I just attract drama? /sigh.
1 person likes this
10 responses
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
21 Oct 07
Its sad he doesn't trust you. But unfortunately double standards are part of the game Xeno, so it's bound to come up. I even have discussions on it. I'm sorry its like this, but you should tell him how you feel about this.
So you both play online games? What's your poison?
I use to be on Warcraft but I quit. I'm at a good spot with that after more than a years worth of play.
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
21 Oct 07
I get what you mean. Real life smacked me upside the head and I'm at a part where I'm really behind but I have several games to play, or I wanna play that are coming out soon. I'm more PVE in warcraft now, but I've got my high levels on PVP. I should try RP a little more too since I've got friends there too. Don't know if I'll be back, but if its possible for me to transfer to whatever server/servers you are on I might just do it. I won't move my PVP people though (they are quarter-semi-legendary :D)
As for your boyfriend, seriously tell him about how you feel. He may not see it this way, but try role reversals. Maybe that can help. If you say you are going with friends, give him the reaction he gives you the next time he's going to go out with friends. Record his reactions to things too so you have evidence. I know you want to be mature about it but sometimes people need dramatic examples to shake up their perspectives.
@xenokitten (68)
• United States
21 Oct 07
My main is on Cenarion Circle. I have a few others scattered around but mostly concentrating on my gnome warlock over on CC at the moment :) Always cool to meet other gamers :) Drop me a line if you pick the game back up again.
@xenokitten (68)
• United States
21 Oct 07
We currently play Warcraft and FFXI. Before that we both played Ragnarok Online (fun game but the management was awful, same could be said about FFXI though, consumer berrau rated them "F" lol...) My first online game was good old Everquest. I have not found another game since then that I like as much. Warcraft is more my style than ffxi. FFXI has very little solo content and is very grueling, wow is much easier/faster paced. I even got my best friend (the one this post mentions) into it too and she had never played an mmorpg :) she's now addicted lol. I've beta'd many games. If I had time and money I would pick up Vanguard saga of heroes I thought it was pretty good, lot of unique ideas there when it comes to crafting and diplomacy and other things. Also have guild wars but haven't played that in quite some time now. :) I'm a big gamer so as the saying goes, "So many games, so little time (and money) hehe"
And ya, I know double standards happen for everyone. It wasn't even that big of a deal, I just had to let off some steam hehe :)
@SimpleAsABC (66)
• United States
21 Oct 07
It is very simple. He has trust issues. He does not believe you are out with your friend. I can guarantee he believes you were out with another guy or he is worried you are out talking to other guys.
How old is he? My guess would be early twenties or even a teenager.
If he is older than early twentis and still acts this way.....dump him.
Over 20 angry messages? This guy has anger issues and WILL lead to more probelms down the road.
@xenokitten (68)
• United States
21 Oct 07
He's going to turn 25 soon. And I agree I think he didn't believe me too because when we were fighting he said that when I go out and he calls that "I must be up to something" because I don't answer or have my cell phone turned off. I had a prepaid phone for ahwile and ran out of time so it's been off for a long time, i told him i thought i told him that but appearently not. And I didn't answer the house phone because i wasn't home duh.
@SimpleAsABC (66)
• United States
21 Oct 07
He does not trust you and trust is the foundation to any relationship.
No rust, no relationship. It really is that simple.
Additionally, to leave that many angry messages and to say "You must be up to something says 2 things.
1. He has no respect for you at all.
2. He thinks you are the kind of person that cheat.
let me say one more thing. The person that says you are up to something is more than likely the one who is actually up to something.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
22 Oct 07
No, not all relationships are like that. My first marraige was and it was MISERABLE! Yeah, I thought I loved him too - well, I did, but he didn't have the same feelings for me. He just wanted to control me (or whoever it was he was with).
Two things... #1 - Don't be all happy that he "forgave you"!!! You did nothing wrong and there was nothing to forgive!!! He wants you to feel guilty for not being at his beck and call.
#2 - Although you may love him, that does not mean that he loves you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect - not demands and belittling. Maybe it's time to take a good look at what you have (and what you DON'T have) and see if it's where you really want to be...
Best of luck to you!
@cobradene (1171)
• India
22 Oct 07
A very nice point raised over here. Not all relationships are like this. I have been in a relationship before where my girlfriend never wanted me to speak to my other women friends and even at the mention of their name the first thing she would ask me is, "did you sleep with her?" That would be so annoying. But, I always gave her the space she needed and I never complained about her guy friends, in spite of the fact that they were not decent men and one guy was married and he was hitting on her all the time, but still I trusted her knowing she would defend herself very well. And the other guy was kind of ok, but still, I wasn't sometimes comfortable with them. So for her sake, I had to stop talking to women friends but she wouldn't stop seeing her guy friends at all.
So, that's when I decided to walk out of the relationship because there wasn't a proper commitment. There was no proper understanding. When a partner doesn't respect your space and individuality and when there is no trust and if there is too much of possessiveness, then it's a walk out. There's no point continuing the relationship. Give and take has always been my policy. And love is about respect, trust, equality and individuality and mutual understanding. Everything has to be mutual. This is what I think, but I'm not saying you should walk out. But rather try making him understand his mistakes and sort things out in a peaceful way. But, if the independence or the personal growth is getting stifled, then for me, I would never stay in it.
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
22 Oct 07
That's not fair, and I'd tell him that. You have just as much right as he does to maintain a social life, and it's not imperative that you be there at his every beck and call. Everyone craves social interaction, and until he understands that, he's going to have a very tough time with relationships.
I'd say don't take it to heart, and definitely don't let him get away with that kind of behavior. Continue going out with a friend, and don't start changing to suit his needs. As long as he's going out with his friends, and leaving you out of the loop, it's only fair that you get to do the same. If you change for him, you've only sacrificed yourself, and allowed him to get away with the double standards.
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
22 Oct 07
Trust me, this isn't a good sign. Everything you described sounds like an insecure, controlling person and I don't know that he will change.
Can you live with someone like that?
No, not all relationships have double standards. Mine does a little bit. I have been married for 23 years. Now and then I get the same bull if I want to go out. But he doesn't go out much although he fishes, hunts, etc. for weekends at a time. He gets to enjoy himself but, if I want to, I get the tude. However, other than that, the relationship is OK. I don't let him get me upset because I know I am not doing anything wrong and that is his problem if he is jealous or inscure. He gets over it fast.
I know many men like your boyfriend who feel they can do anything they want but the girl better stay home and be waiting for them. You have to make it clear now that you aren't going to stand for double standards like that. If you don't now, later there will be real issues.
I don't know if you want to marry this guy or plan to be with him forever or what but if you do, you have to get him to see that you are trustworthy and that you demand equality. If he goes out when he wants, you will too. If he is respectful of you and your feelings, you will be of his.
I hate when men go crazy when a woman does something when they, themselves, do the very same thing. AHHHH!
Anyway, if you want to have lasting relationship that isn't drama and argument filled, you have to stop his behavior now and show him that you aren't a welcome mat and that you have a life outside of him just as he does outside of you. That doesn't mean you are up to anything. It means you are living your life.
Good luck. Don't let anyone tell you what to do!
@healwell (1268)
• Ahmedabad, India
22 Oct 07
Hello xenokitten! Its a psychology of human relationship if you will ask any psychologist! But I will tell that its a comlicated man syndrom of relationship for imposing dominency with so many unknown things including showing love too!
So if you want equality in relationship then make your moves frankly and try out your love and trust with him so he can prove himself for you!
@Debs_place (10520)
• United States
21 Oct 07
He sounds very controlling. Things will not get better with him. It sounds like you 'love' a person that you don't really know very well.
It sounds like he has trust issues..and my guess he has them because he may have something to hide.
If I were you, I would cut my losses and ditch the guy.
@lexus54 (3572)
• Singapore
22 Oct 07
Based on what has transpired between your boyfriend and yourself, my assessment of him is that he (a) is a dominating person. He wants to lord over you, and expects in this relationship that you have to submit to him. He will want to be the one dictating things. (b) feels insecure about the relationship, and this is made worse by being physically apart. He is afraid that you will do things behind his back that will jeopardize the relationship so he needs to watch your every movement. His insecurity makes him want to restrict your interactions with your friends. (c) lacks trust in you. This probably stems from his insecurity. (d) is maintaining an unfair and unbalanced relationship. While he wants to dictate things to you, he wouldn't want you to dictate things to him in the way he conducts himself or behaves.
A true relationship must be based on love, mutual respect and trust, in order to stand the test of time. If it is one-sided, with one dominating the other, it is difficult to last and certainly a recipe for disaster. You may profess to love him, but how long can you tolerate the way he is treating you? Now, you are not married to him yet and can break off the relationship if things do not work out. What if you are actually married to him? Will he treat you worse, because you have already sealed the relationship through marriage and he knows that?
Personally, I feel your relationship is rocky and risky. For the sake of your future happiness, you have to really consider whether it is worthwhile to keep this relationship. Think very hard before making the life-long commitment of marriage. Perhaps you should cool off your relationship for some time (perhaps even threaten to break up the next time he throws his tantrums and treats you unfairly) to bring him down to earth and make him realize that he cannot take you for granted, dominate you in the way he is doing now and that he should respect you with equality if he really wants to love and cherish you.
@twilight_75 (479)
•
21 Oct 07
And i thought i had problems with my fella!! This is appaling behaviour on his part, who does he think he is. You said you had jealousy issues, but he very definitly has too! It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship you've got going, he seems to want you there at his beck and call, but from what you've written he isn't prepared to do the same. You must be very trusting if you've got over your jealousy issues. I don't think i'd be happy if my man was going round some womans house to watch the footie or whatever-especialy one that has already made a play for him!! I don't think any of what i've said has helped, but i felt the need to vent on your behalf
