I feel terrible that I betrayed my friends.
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
United States
November 15, 2007 8:49pm CST
A little back ground first: there are five of us that spend holidays, birthdays and as much time together as we can. We are all women who have come together and become friends. It started out with my best friend and I then I met a third person and she introduced us to the other two. Our group of ladies has been together for over five years. We have been through a death of one of the ladies husband, three of us have had to have surgery, death of a mother, marriage of two of the ladies daughters and list goes on and on.
We have been there to support each other for all these years.
Here is where the betrayal comes into play. My best friend has stopped taking her antidepressant and has gotten mean. She does not realize it but she if very judgmental and nasty at times. This has been going on for almost two years. The other three ladies are fed of it. There has been many arguments between the ladies and my best friend does not think she has done anything wrong. She has come to me for help as to why the other ladies are mad at her. This is so bad the other three ladies do not want to spend any time with her.
My problem is I am such a coward I cannot tell my best friend how mean she is. She has verbally attacked me several times and hurt me several times. My best friend came over Monday night and wanted to know what was going on and I could not find the guts to tell her she then came over last night and I clamed up.
I feel so bad and hate myself so much right now for not doing the right thing and telling my best friend the truth. When she asked what she did to one of the other ladies I would just clam up. I also would not stick up for myself.
One of the problems with my best friend is she is jealous that the three ladies and I do not work and we have lunch on Fridays together. How can we include my best friend if she is working? My best friend works two jobs, is in a lot of organizations so I only see her one day a week if that and she is jealous if I spend any time with the other ladies without her.
I am so depressed because I do not want to hurt anyone but it seems I am the one who is hurting. I have not slept for two nights. Tomorrow is Friday I am supposed to have lunch with the ladies and I am ashamed to go. I just want to craw under a rock and hide.
Deep down I am not ready to give up my relationship with my best friend. I am feeling that I need to try one more time to explain to my best friend what is going on. Ijust need to get the courage to tell her.
5 people like this
13 responses
@Monkeyrose (2840)
• Canada
16 Nov 07
First of all, did she go off the antidepressants with the docters approval?
Second of all, have you sat down and talked to her and see whats going on with her?
She sounds like she needs someone to say hey you don't seem to be yourself lately whats going on?
Third, Don't get in the middle. I know its hard but try to stay out of it as much as possible. Direct her to talk to the other ladies directly and vice versa.
When the action happens tell her right away that it hurts you. Don't say you're being mean. Use I statements. I feel.... when you do........ This way you are taking ownership of your feelings and not blaming her but her actions.
Eventually if you let this go on you will end up feeling like the other ladies, only more resentful because you put more effort into it. It sounds like you need to learn how to put up boundries. Maybe go see a counciller just for a couple sessions to help you figure out how to talk to your friend.
Best of luck, I hope your ladies will be alright.
2 people like this
@mansha (6298)
• India
16 Nov 07
I agree with rose, she is right and has given a wonderful advice not to get in the middle but let all the ladies talk to her individually. May be meet up just to sort these confusions and hurt out and talk to each other as a group. I also suggest go to a counsellor for this kind of thing.
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
19 Nov 07
You are right I have talked to her and told my friend who went off the anitdepressants that I will not be in the middle of this.
As far as going off the antidepressants she did not get the doctors approval but on the other hand she tends to think she is smarter than most doctors.
1 person likes this
@Monkeyrose (2840)
• Canada
19 Nov 07
Well good for you! Thats not good about the anti-depressants. I know you can't really do anything about it. I went off my anti-depressants once without talking to my docter. I ended up crying uncontrolably for 4 hours. I had to miss a dance receital because I was all dizzy.
Good luck though.. It sounds like you did the right think and she responded well.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
16 Nov 07
I know that you know, part of having a good relationship means that sometimes we will have to do things that are not easy and we don't to do. But in order to call ourselves real friends, we have to do them. It sounds like your friend needs to do a little growing up.
There is no need for her to be jealous because she can not go out with you guys every time. The thing that concerns me the most about this whole thing is that I have had friends who stop taking their medication and are never the same again, even when they start back.
If she is being rude and mean, you need to love her enough to tell her. Otherwise, you will really start to resent her being around at all. What is the worse she can do. Either way, you could lose her as a friend. That being mean and going off is going to get real old and tiring at some point.
There are ways to make her feel good about having a job. Boost her ego a little if you have to, but don't continue to tolerate her meaness. I fact, you should insist that if she is going to be around you guys, she needs to start back to taking her meds. Eventually, she will crash without them and may even lose her job.
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
19 Nov 07
I told her the other day that she cannot get mad or jealous about me spending time with other people. I do not want her lashing out at me after I have spent time with them.
I also told both ladies I did not want to talk about each one to each other. I will not stand for it. I love them both and am hurt to be put in the middle of this.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
16 Nov 07
Ok first of all try and calm down Sweetie
When your Friend comes to you and asks you again you need to either explain it to her what is happening I know she is your best Friend Sweetie but she should surely not be that bad anymore if she has been of the Anti depressants for 2 years now
If you do not feel comfortable in telling her then tell her that she needs to ask them what she has done as you are not to sure and do not know the whole Story
Really your Friend should not put you in that position at all, she should be asking the other 3 Ladies and not you
Just because you are her best Friend does not mean she can put you in that Position, as for being Jealous that is not good at all and it is not fair that she is like that just because you are best Friends does not mean you can not go out with other Friends you need sort something Sweetie as you will end up Ill and even more hurt
Hugs to you
1 person likes this
@lovesfreedom (1245)
• United States
16 Nov 07
First and foremost, stop beating yourself up over this. Is it your fault she stopped taking her meds? Is it your fault that the other women want to cut and run from her? Is it your fault that she refuses to look at herself objectively?
The answer to all of those questions is an absolute no.
If she went off het meds without the care of her doctor, she is playing a very dangerous game. And, since she was on medication to start with, that tells me that she may not be able to see what she becomes when not taking it.
Along with that comes the very human thing we have called defense mode. As people, we often do not want to admit that we are the cause of someone's pain or anger, so we go into that, I did nothing wrong, defense mode. Then the more we tell ourselves this, the more we are apt to believe it is true.
You say you two are best friends. That is a special relationship and if she feels the same, then you telling her the truth, while it may hurt, should be taken in the spirit it is given. That is as a friend who loves her and wants the best for her. If it is not taken that way, then I would have to question what kind of friend she is. Is she someone who loves you and respects your opinion and honesty or is she someone who loves you as long as things go her way?
If you can't bring yourself to tell her face to face, write her a letter outlining your concerns. Tell her it is not meant to hurt her, but instead to bring back the old sparks that made and kept you friends in the first place. Talk about the good times all of you had as a group and ask her, don't you want that back? Give her memories of times gone by to draw on, so that she can see the comparison between then and now. Most of all, tell her you love her.
Then I would talk to the others and tell them what you have done and ask for their understanding in this situation. Perhaps they need to be reminded that this is partially out of her control because she has a problem that needs to be controlled with medication and she may not be able to help how she acts when not taking those meds.
This is afterall a two-way street, everybody needs to give and take from this.
I wish you the best. God bless you for being the kind of friend you have been to her.
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
16 Nov 07
First of all I don't know why you would either feel guilty or betrayal. Probably one of the hardest things to do with a cherished friend is to have a real sit-down honest to God talk about things. I can see why you are hesitant. But the longer you put things off, the worse it might become and the result is you might lose not only her friendship but the friendship of the others as well. Just do a real heart to heart talk with her. You could try and ease into the conversation that you've noticed a real change in her since she stopped taking the anti-depressants and that maybe for her benefit she should consider taking them again.
And since you are having lunch with the others have you ever mentioned to them how the change in your other friend is due to her stopping the meds??...it just might help them understand where she is "at" then.
I think for your own peace of mind, you are just going to have to take a really DEEP breath, and do that heart to heart talk thing with your friend
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
19 Nov 07
Thanks for your advise. I have since I wrote this talked to all involved. I have told all I will not discuss each one with the other.
So far it is working
@wiccania (3360)
• United States
16 Nov 07
It's not a betrayal, and you have nothign to feel bad for. Just bite the bullet and tell her. If she gets upset, you might not hear from her for a little while, but if she's truly a friend then you'll hear from her when she realizes that she's alienated her friends.
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
19 Nov 07
Part of my problem is right now I am so sensetive and I cannot tell you what is the root of it all. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I think it is a lot of things that I need to deal with.
@subha12 (18441)
• India
16 Nov 07
i don't think you have betrayed your friends. your best friend is on antidepressant and you are jsut trying hard to cope with her oproblems.
i must say its great of you. Very few people can do so when other people oppose you.
Try to talk frankly with other friends and make them understand this.
@ElicBxn (63594)
• United States
16 Nov 07
Try writing it down. Getting it organized in as gentle a letter as possible.
Now, don't mail this. Since you can't talk about it, and explain that in the letter too, then have her read the letter in your presence. Maybe have her to your house and fix a cup of tea or something while she reads it.
You don't know why she stopped taking the meds, maybe they were making her draggie and not able to do all she felt she needed to get done in a day. Possible they stopped working, this does happen. Get it down in as clear but gentle a way possible. Now, she's still going to take it wrong, and by not telling her when she asks you are kind of taking the coward's way, but she does need to be told.
She IS going to be mad, and you might want to have someone - your husband or another person besides one of these other ladies around while this is going on, but in a different part of the house.
I understand you don't want to give up this relationship with this friend, I kind of had to back off from my former roommate for several years because of things, but now I see her nearly daily again. This might happen with you, but hopefully she will get past this and get back on track.
@irishmist (3814)
• United States
16 Nov 07
If she is your best freind, than you can tell her straight out. You know her, and she knows you, and both of you should have an understaning of each other. Just tell her. I'm sure she will want to know the truth. Best friends can tell each other anything.
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
16 Nov 07
Oh my goodness, you got to tell the poor thing what has happened. My sister takes antidepressants since a serious car accident and if she goes off she is a terror to be around. Many people who weren't true friends walked away from her because they couldn't deal with it. You are clearly a true friend for trying to stick it out. I remember when my sister was on a freak and I thought either I walk or learn to deal and try to help her. Well I didn't walk and she is my best friend.
The best advice I could give you to break it to her is focus on the lack of medication changing her rather than the other women's feelings or her as a person. For my sister this is how I brought it up. She could handle it being a pill rather than people or her own personality.
Good Luck!
@fanji008 (775)
• China
16 Nov 07
Hi,there! I can see your problems.Well,I do think you should tell your best friend the truth.If you're really good friends and used to have very close relationship with each other,you should tell her directly cause it's because of her own problem that so many friends wanna leave her alone.Right now maybe she hasn't realized her problem yet,so it's pretty necessary to let her know everything. Be brave otherwise you'll be misunderstood all the time.I guess you don't wanna be misunderstood any more,right? I hope you'll make it! Best wishes for you and your friends:)
@krtnyandrews (1)
• United States
16 Nov 07
You should definitely talk to your friend-but only about how she has made you feel. If you bring up the other ladies' issues, you will only be confirming her suspicions and it will more than likely cause a backlash that could break up your group. Give her a chance to process the issues you two have giving her an opportunity to change, because it sounds like you and her have been friends longer than all the others. If she continues to behave in the same manner towards you, then you know it's time to put the breaks on your relationship; since you haven't mentioned the others to her then she may be able to see how her behavior is affecting her relationships with others. Who knows, maybe that will inspire her to change. However, understand that you can only do so much in this situation and that in a sense your friend is putting you in the middle. If she cared about you and your feelings she would handle the issue with the other three on her own and leave you out of it. Also, don't beat yourself up...it is always hard to tell someone you love that they have hurt you, but if they love you then they will at least listen and go from there. Good luck and don't worry, what is meant to be will be.
