Gratitude and forgiveness amidst life's ordeal..........

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It's past 4:00 in the morning, my eyes are opened...not that i just woke up but because i haven't gotten slept yet. My mind is in a roller coaster. I am in the middle of another trial that life brings, and the biggest ordeal I ever have gone through. My marriage is crumbling down right "before my very eyes!" My husband was assigned in the southern part of the Philippines, Mindanao, he's been there for 6 months. My 4-year old son and I were left in our rented apartment here in Manila. For that span of six months, he sent us for our daily substinence, payments for the bills and monthly rental, but never cared to come home once, even just for a visit. Though our relationship was already rocky even before he left for Mindanao, it was somehow tolerable still. During his first 2 months, there were no much problems regarding his obligations and the like...but later, so much had arose. He skipped sending money, no more calls and text messages unless i take the initiative to do so. In short, he indirectly admitted that he's involved with a lady! Emotionally, i wasn't hurt...but got worried for my son. "Word wars" took place through the phone calls, but to cut it short, it was mended though everything changed, no more endearments, no more daily calls and text messages. Then he informed me that he is coming home by the second week of this month, november to settle matters, and have an agreement. However, days passed but no husband came home though i learned that he's just around the city already. He put off his phone or if it rings, he doesn't recieve my call,no messages. He is already sending a signal of abandonement. Though i am no longer emotionally attached to him, i depend every financial needs on him. I was already feeling scared, nervous, worried and every rattled feeling one can possibly feel. I feel this way because of our kid. How could i feed him? I am just a housewife as my husband didn't want me to work. I couldn't help myself but to tell to my parents about it. Though my parents didn't want my marriage, coz of my disobedience, right away, they made me feel that they are with me all the way. I wanted separation but i didn't take the move before because i was still preparing every aspect of myself then....i didn't expect that it would happen as soon as now and that my would-to-be-"ex"-husband abandons us untimely. It is a mixed-emotion for me. Anger, worries, relief but more on rage. He didn't consider our son, he knows that the kid is expecting for his arrival. I really feel like wringing his neck or stabbing him to death if only he is infront of me. However, at the middle of this feeling, i am hardly praying for forgiveness...that i may forgive him for hurting, upsetting especially our innocent kid. Imagine, six months of being away but never took a peek....which means that he doesn't miss his son at all! And forgiveness for myself who got married with this heartless, no conscience guy! That because of my wrong decision, my son is hurting. My parents are in emotional distress because of my disobedience. He abandoned us without any centavo. But my parents is providing for us during these times, aside from the moral support. Without them, i really would have lost my sanity. There's their overflowing and unconditional love that nobody could give. Here's a family friend who assists me in taking the legal moves against my husband, and keeps assuring that everything will be fine. And there's this "lolo" behind,who although not physically beside me all the time, makes me feel that i'm being loved. He understands the tempers that this situation brings to me, enough to keep me sane. His assurance is always present, enough to keep me strong and lifts me up above this ordeal! Desperation never gloat me through this trial because of this lolo.... I am grateful that God gave me these people, both the man who let me down and the people who are with me all the way now....because of them, i learned more of life. With their presence that i tasted life's bitterness and sweetness.