Crazy ex-wife!
@aprilanderson17 (43)
United States
November 27, 2007 11:05pm CST
Ok so my fiance have been together for quite awhile and he has obviously been split up from his ex-wife for quite awhile! Now you think that she would eventually get the hint that he is not coming back to her - but to date she still has not! They do have a daughter together and so I understand the contact for her sake but the drama that goes with it is so unnecessary!
I mean the other day she called to see if he would like to see his daughter for Thanksgiving and he said yes, well we went to the plaza lighting ceremony in the city and he wanted to take her with. Of course his ex wife said no! Her reasoning was that she has proof that I am an unfit parent and that I should not have my own kids let alone be around any others! Now I am not saying that I am a saint byt any means, but I am registered foster care, registered daycare, which you have to have background checks and fingerprints and meticulous combing of my home - also I am the vice president of the PTO and head room mom for my son's class. I mean I realize that it sounds like I might be a bit of an over achiever when I list all of that out but it has all kind of come in phases! But not only is all of the above true but I have never even had the cops called to my house for anything let alone social services and I have never been arrested or gotten anything worse than a traffic ticket - which my children were never in the car! I mean really - how is it that I am such a bad person?
Ok with all of that said she kept on and kept on last week and finally it got to the point where we would not answer the phone but that did not stop her. She just left hateful messages on my voice mail. I finally got tired of this and answered the phone and told her that if she called again I would call the cops. She called 5 more times and the I answered again and told her that I was calling the police. She then called 2 more times. Well I guess the police got ahold of her and told her not to call here again because the calls finally stopped, until she called my work! She called me at work to tell me that since I told her not to call the house she decided to call me at work to tell me what she had been trying to tell me the other night!
Am I crazy to think that she is just trying to drive me insane? I don't want to get a restraining order because it will hinder him seeing his daughter but what else am i to do? Any suggestions are helpful!
4 people like this
9 responses
@menctomas (278)
• Philippines
28 Nov 07
hi april, well, lets just say that your fiancee's ex is really sour graping. you've got something she lost. i sympathise with you really but lets change the scenario, put yourself in her shoes for a while so that at least you can understand where she is coming from. and where she is coming from is a really stupid and dark place but you need to see it. she is scared because your fiancee is not with her anymore. she has a kid without a live in father, (you have to admit that a stay in father is very different from a stay out father, we are not talking about loving the kid less, we are talking about feeling the presence all the time of a father figure.) all the things that you said about you (and it seems that you are a good parent) really contradicts her. this is because she is scared again because you have a lot going for you and she probably don't. and stupid because she is bitter with the world. she probably do these things also out of spite because if she can't have him, you can't either. if i were you, i'd talk to her. in a public place ,mind you. where a lot of people can see you. (i am not sure of her mental situation) and tell what you think. tell her that your fiancee will not stop being a father to her kid. you may not be able to let yourself be friends but atleast she can be civil towards you. if that don't work, get a restraining order!!! hope everything works out.
1 person likes this
@aprilanderson17 (43)
• United States
28 Nov 07
menctomas - I see your point I really do. I have tried being civil. I have been the go between when they could not see eye to eye. I have tried everything that I can think of. I have even said fine, if she does not want me around her daughter that he can go by himself to go see her. The unfortunate thing is that when he does that she sets him up and has her friends meet where ever they are suppossed to and start a fight. I have seen her in public places before and she threatens to have a "beat down" and have to call the cops. And God forbid I see her in the store - she follows me around barking at me until I finally give in and leave! I have tried putting myself in her shoes, I have tried to be an adult but I don't know what else I can do without jeapordizing the future of the budding realationships!?!?!?!?
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
28 Nov 07
The only quick thing for now I can put is try mensnewsdaily, they've got a few links for parental alienation (like you are describing) and other links to services that may help you out.
Other than that, I'm sorry you too are being crushed under this April. Usually I'm seeing wave after wave of ex-husbands being screwballed in this fashion (along with some ex-wives). And thanks to mindsets and even some laws the story will always go like this... ex-wife/mother = always right, do what she says. I know it may sound hard to believe, but look at your situation. She's playing all of these games with you and your fiance. If it wasn't how I described, how in the world is she allowed to get away with acting so juvenile, lying, and circumventing/bending court orders (visitation)?! Basically, she can act horrific and the courts turn a blind eye to it because she's the mother. And its not going to be good for you, because all it takes is her word to at least get suspicion on your fiance and as you have now been through, yourself as well.
Uh, if she's calling work, tell work to ignore it or note the numbers coming in and remember not to answer them. If she's calling your home, same deal. Keep the messages if you have them in voicemail, or try to get them recorded to a more tradeable/sharable format for better evidence, if you can.
Links that might help with the alienation (hopefully your fiance will get fair custody and rights to his daughter)
http://www.parentalalienation.ca/
http://jmbconsulting.org/consulting.htm
http://parental-alienation-awareness.com/
As for the harassment I'm not as armed on that one. So besides what I told you I don't have much else. Be careful, watch your back both physically and what you say (it can be used against you, I've read cases where it happens). If you need more help, feel free to come get me. Add to friends if you wish too, that could help me keep in contact. I do spend less time on mylot during the week because... well...its the week and I work long and hard. But still, if you can come get me, private message me, I'll answer. PMs are #1 priority for me to look at.
In closing, take care of yourself, and your fiance. It'll be tough, but do not give up on his(and soon to be)your daughter.
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
28 Nov 07
You are always welcome to the help. I got the add so you can PM me now April if I end up missing a discussion or you have another question I might be able to help with. Its good you are at least writing things down, and keep up getting third person or more objective evidence like recordings and the like.
Best wishes for you and your family.
@aprilanderson17 (43)
• United States
28 Nov 07
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I will check those sites out tomorrow! I have been keeping a journal myself about all the crazy goings ons and also I blog about them frequently and I have been told that that may help if ever the need may come to bring it into court. I also have many witnesses to all of this crap! I guess fortunately enough for me she does not care who is around when she loses her grip on reality! thank you again and I look forward to talking with you!
@Stiletto (4579)
•
29 Nov 07
She certainly sounds like a handful but I guess there are a couple of questions that spring to mind. Firstly did he leave her because he was already involved with you? I don't expect you to answer that because it's a personal question but it just came into my mind as I was reading your post. The sort of bitterness and anger she is displaying suggests something like that. Or maybe she thinks wrongly that you had something to do with the end of their relationship. Anyway no matter ... what really strikes me is what is your fiance doing about all this? I mean, she's calling YOUR voice mail, YOUR work, YOU are calling the police, YOU are considering a restraining order but where is he? As is so often the case, this is turning into a war between two women but where is the man in all this, what's he doing about it?
It's a tough one to deal with because as you say, you don't want to do anything which would jeopardise him seeing his daughter, and his ex-wife certainly sounds like a woman on a mission. It would seem to me that his best course of action is to get some kind of formal custody/access arrangement for his daughter because I'm assuming that's not in place at the moment. As for you I guess the best way is to try and rise above it and hope she gets tired of it all. Although of course if you fear for your safety then police involvement is really unavoidable.
@aprilanderson17 (43)
• United States
7 Dec 07
Good questions. First no he did not leave her for me. They were already split up when we began dating. Second there is a fine line that divides what he can say and cannot say about this. After they split up, in the act of trying to keep his daughter from him, she got an ex-parte (restraining order). Well I don't know about other states but In MO it is not hard to get this. All you have to do is ask for one and then you go to court and if the party that you are going after with the ex-parte does not object you win the order. Well he thought that he had to have an attorney in order to prove he had not done anything wrong and just agreed thinking that it would be easier because he did no have the money to fight it. Keep in mind that she did not have any real reason for this and the paperwork simply says that she "felt threatened". She did not have any valid reason why she felt this way, no proof that he had ever hurt or attempted to hurt her or their daughter, not even any allegations without proof that he had. Well now that she has this ex-parte if he farts wrong in her direction she can call the police and say that he has violated the order and he goes to jail. That being said, he has told her to stop, told her that it is over and he is not going back to her whether I am with him or not. Has requested her not to call and the likes, but when he does not do what she wants him to she calls the cops. While in the end this is going to work to our advantage, in the mean tim he had very little recourse if he does not want to go to jail. That is where I step in and I have to tell her to take a trip on the reality railrad because he can't.
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
28 Nov 07
She really is crazy eh? Well maybe you should gather proof of all her "hateful" calls and messages. You can use that to build a case against her, that she is insane and therefore unfit to be a parent. Your husband gains custody of the daughter then the crazy ex-wife is out of the picture. Just a thought.
@aprilanderson17 (43)
• United States
28 Nov 07
On top of that! I have journals and blogs and voicemails and witnesses its all covered! We'll have our day in court!
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
28 Nov 07
There are a lot of ex's out there that like drama. However, I have to ask, what is your fiance doing about any of this. You say she calls you? Why isn't he stepping up and saying enough is enough. If he's letting her use their daughter as a pawn, don't. And if they are in fact divorced, then the papers say when he has custody of his daughter, and what holidays she is with him, and what y'all do with that time is none of the ex's business, as long as the daughter is being taken care of and not in any danger.
@aprilanderson17 (43)
• United States
7 Dec 07
That is where in lies the problem. They are oing througha messy divorce that has not actually been finalized as of yet. The divorce part has been all agreed upon but the custody has not and in the mean time there is not a temp order to help with this.
@computershack41143 (71)
• United States
28 Nov 07
hello, i was married once before and we have 2 boys together, she would call me and try to find out what i was doing and then try to pawn the boys off on me so she could mess my plans up, BUT i loved it when she did that. Then when i got together with someone else, she would go off and try to start trouble with me or her. This went on for about a year or so. she then finally lightened up. now i have my boys 5 days a week and sometimes more than that.
you should try to get fight for the girl, cause it will help you and the little girl. Just stay calm and nice and it all will work out in the long run...
@aprilanderson17 (43)
• United States
7 Dec 07
I know what you are saying about the pawning of the kids. My ex-husband used to do that, kinda. He would want my son for the weekend and get all of the plans ready and then he would cancel at the last minute hoping to ruin whatever plans I had made in the mean time! Of course him not thinking - he did not realize that duh I have another child so just because I don't have one means that I am going to have a carzy wild kid free weekend!
@missybal (4490)
• United States
29 Nov 07
She is really trying to drive you crazy and if she is showing signs she wants her ex-husband back then she is just trying anything to drive you away from him so that she can have him for herself. I understand where you can't press charges. We have the same problems with my husband's crazy mother but we had to put up with it so he could see his brothers. I think she feels threatened by you and probably is even worried that her own daughter will get close to you. Be sure that your fiance hears those messages so she can't say to him that you are lying. Not that he wouldn't trust you but it's good for him to know exactly what she is doing. Stay strong. She will have to grow up and move on eventually. I dont' think there is much else you can do but to lead by example and be the better person.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
2 Dec 07
Please, please, This is another human being we are talking about and I think people are too quick to bag someone when they're down. I look at the responses here and I see people relishing the chance to stick it to this woman and make her life even more miserable. I don't know the circumstances but this lady has had no closure with her relationship. She was probably one of those poor unfortunate young women in love with the idea of getting married, having a husband and having a baby. Her maturity level is low if not non-existent. Her ex probably went along with everything because that's just what happens. Neither of them are ready for marriage and the marriage doesn't have a chance. Whatever.
The guy in all this needs to deal with things a bit more. He knows her better than anyone. he has to explain things to her so she feels a little better about everything and can start to get her life back on track. He owes her that much. A person can't just leave a relationship with no explanation or trying to leave behind no animosity or hatred. That's so immature and unfair.. The mother needs counselling quickly, this woman needs help, not to be laughed at, ridiculed, and hated. Who in their right mind behaves this way? This poor woman is extrememly distressed by her circumstances. The little child is probably not safe either.
Like you said, non of us is a saint but I think we turn to readily to hatred and humiliation instead of tolerance and human kindness and understanding.
@lightningMD (5931)
• United States
29 Nov 07
His ex-wife sounds very bitter and hateful. I'd do my best to ignore for the childs sake. If you fear for your safety though I would get the restraining order. Better to be safe than sorry later on. Good luck I hope she gets over it soon.So you guys can enjoy a normal life.
