Is marriage really 'the next step'?
By breepeace
@breepeace (3014)
Canada
December 17, 2007 2:30pm CST
I'm currently writing an article on young couples tying the knot, and when I posed the question "Was there any particular reason you decided to get married?" 3/4 of the respondants said they felt it was 'the next step' (or a variation of).
Is it really though?
I've been with my boyfriend steadily for 2 years, and we've dated off and on for another 5, but I'm not sure I would feel that 'the time is right' is a compelling enough reason to want to get married. I need to go into marriage with my eyes wide open, knowing what all the consequences may be, and the reality of the entire situation and I think that after we've been together for another year, I'd like to contemplate how we differ from and compliment each other and decide if his flaws are something I can life with for the rest of my life, and I hope he'd be doing the same thing.
I'm not saying I DON'T want to get married, and if he proposed tomorrow, I'd say yes because I do love him and wouldn't want to make one of the most nerve-wracking moments a man can have, worse. I'd just insist on a rather long engagement, and if ultimately I decided it wasn't the best fit for me, we'd have a long discussion so he could understand my point of view, and we'd see if anything could be compromised, or if it was best to cut the strings and move on. But I do wonder how many couples decide to get married just because they'd 'done everything else'.
So what's your take? Is marriage really the next step? Or should honest contemplation take place before the walk down the aisle?
7 people like this
18 responses
@leeesa (884)
• United States
18 Dec 07
That's a tough question because it's different for everyone. I married at age 18 and ended up married and divorced 3 times because I thought I wasn't anyone unless I was married. I've been single for 3 years now, the longest in my life and I love it. It took a long time to learn, but no one should settle for something they really aren't sure about just because of family pressure or because all their friends are doing it. I say to make a list of all the traits you want in a spouse and don't marry until you find someone that meets your requirements. Compromise is fine, but never give in to some characteristic that you think will change, or think that you can change that person because it will never happen. Marriage is great with the right person. I'm still looking for my Mr. Right, but this time, I know what I'm looking for and nothing less will do!
2 people like this
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
17 Dec 07
People who say they're only doing it because "it's the next step" are weak-minded and immature. They only do "waht people think" that they "should". You are very right, marriage is something that should be well thought-out and very talked-through.
Where are you finding these young couples whom you spoke to about this who said that?
1 person likes this
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
18 Dec 07
Thanks again Lex for a good response (and doing at least half of my work for me!)
This post really says it all and there are a good number of people who think in the terms Lex describes.
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
18 Dec 07
All over the world. I interviewed people from as far away from me as India, and as close to me as my cubicle neighbour.
@elshaddai123 (3981)
• Kottayam, India
23 Dec 07
it is your choice purely, but do not marry it is wearisome, provided you came from a alien planet, I will ask NASA to transport you there.
@angela2006 (1845)
• China
18 Dec 07
to be honest with you,I do not think marriage is necessary,but it is our tradition for us to get marriage after a certain age.and if I do not marry,then my parents and all my relatives will worry about me,so in order to satisfy them,I should take marriage as the next step.
1 person likes this
@kuz555 (4)
• Australia
18 Dec 07
it is very hard to tell. Reason being it depends on person. I'd focus on rather long engagement, have babies and then include your children in your wedding.
There are lots of compromises and sacrifices (if one is willing to do so). If there is no compromises and sacrifices, then there is divorce. Sorry I don't want to scare you. Just the truth.
Time is getting tougher and complicated than usual.
Spend more time knowing your beloved probably is better if you can.
However there is a saying, "You will never know the person completely even if you spend all your life with him."
@calicot (256)
• Philippines
18 Dec 07
Yes, I agree with your response here. To add, even early in your relationship you've got to know, feel, learn how to give and take with each other, yes compromises and sacrifices too. Also an open mind towards the opion of either of you, respect. Peace.
@happygreat (172)
• China
22 Dec 07
I think if you two feel you can get along well with each other then, you can get married. Marriage is a very important thing. We should treat it seriously. But if you are too seriously, it will do you some harm. Just if you feel that one is right for you, get married. Anyway, this is my opinion. Wish you happy.
@vivasuzi (4127)
• United States
21 Dec 07
When you see that you wouldn't feel the time is right, to me that is saying that FOR YOU, that next step isn't there yet. However for other people, they may simply state it was the next logical step, but I think they really mean that they both really wanted to and were ready.
I would hope your boyfriend doesn't propose to you yet since you don't sound 100% convinced. If you do things right, your boyfriend should know you are not quite ready yet. Most couples discuss marriage often before they are engaged so that usually it is clear to each of them when the time is right to move on to that next step :)
@stella1989 (2274)
• India
18 Dec 07
See this world is not same for every one.
You never know in which kind of situation you may fall in..at any time..!!
So every body faces different kinds of situtaions around here....
So we should not take any one else's examples in these matters ..we should always follow our heart and do what is right.
Love it self has thousand of definations.One says ..for falling in love it only takes one moment of life, and some says it may take the whole life to get to know that your in love..!!
So for some marriage is the "next step"..and for some it isn't..!!
Lets say its "their way"....and you can have it "your way"..!
simple.
:)
@nmhschic2004 (1238)
• United States
21 Dec 07
I think marriage is the next step. Before my husband even proposed i knew that i wanted to marry him. We had a pretty long engagement though. So we definitely knew that we were making the right step. I couldnt imagine not being married to him. I think some couples end up getting married for other reasons sometimes. Getting pregnant or sometimes maybe even pressure from their family.
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
18 Dec 07
You should contemplate marriage and commitment very seriously. There are plenty of people that do not, and they use so many thoughts, misguided opinions, uninformed views, shaming tactics, what have you... and they use these things to get what they want (usually without true consideration of the relationship or their partner). Marriage is a real commitment for both parties not just one. Doing it (or anything else in a relationship) only because its a "next step" or a "level up" is rather discouraging, even immature in some respects. And there are worse reasons used to get married used by a significant amount of couples (too euphoric, pregnancy, ultimatums, threats, "saving" the relationship). This is a serious matter. Marriage isn't just about getting an expensive gem or having the biggest elegant party of your life... there's more to it than that, namely you and your partner's entire future as a couple and what life you'll have.
Take this seriously Bree. You should have the best possible for you and your partner, but you should not take things lightly, nor should you make hasty decisions. In the end though, it is your life and you have to make the decisions thats best for you and the relationship.
@fanji008 (775)
• China
18 Dec 07
Hi,there! I think nowadays many couples don't consider things very carefully before they get married.There's a popular phrase"Instant love" which is said by many young people.I don't think that's the right way.If the two really feel they need to get married and they wanna marry each other,then the marriage is the next step.Otherwise if you just marry because you have reached the age for marriage or any other reasons but not because you wanna share the life with the each other,then that's sad. That may cause the failure of the marriage.I do think two need to consider about it very carefully,whether that's a good decision for both and whether they're suitable for each other and they wanna enjoy the life with the other one.Thanks for the discussion and have a nice day^_^
@neetipari (49)
•
18 Dec 07
well wat i can say about this is that in INDIA it is not acceptable and it is considered to be illicit if a man and a women stay together and not planning to get married
here every good relation should have a fate and specially first you are not alowed or if allowed then the end should be marriage
@calicot (256)
• Philippines
18 Dec 07
I have an almost similar situation with you breepeace. Just to share, I'm currently in a relationship for ten years now but still not married. We dated casually before usually on and off for 4 months, when we got to the stage of getting comfortable with each other's company we decided to co-habit together for a few weeks (about 2-3), break it off, then when we got together again we stayed for maybe 2 months, break off again, then when we got together again from then on we decided to have live-in as married couple, sharing ideas, wants, aspirations, helping each other, all the works of being married except tying the knot. We do have many conflicts, ups and down, but we manage to pull through. I'm very thankful for friends, family, relatives, acquanitances who added positively and negatively to our relationship. Also for spiritual guidance. But earlier in the relationship we almost decided to break/ end up completely. So eventhough we're still about to take the next step, we are already living through it. But sure, we still want to get married soon. Hope this help in some way. thanks. GBU!
@mermaid911 (798)
• Philippines
18 Dec 07
My dear breepeace, only you could tell. All I can tell you is that you can feel that for yourself. If you feel you're not ready for marriage, don't rush into it. Make sure you enjoy your life as a single individual before you enter a lifetime imprisonment of marriage. I don't want to put this negatively but whether we like it or not, we won't be as free as we were when we were single than when we're already married. Its your choice. Are you tired of being single? if yes, get married; if not, delay your marriage and enjoy your life. Good luck!
@AeroChickie (459)
• Canada
18 Dec 07
I don't think people should get married simply because it's "the next step". Personally, I don't think that's a very good reason to get married. In fact, studies have shown that couples that live together first, and then decide to get married just because "it's the next step", have a higher divorce rate.
I would think someone would want to get married because they love the other person, want to spend the rest of their lives together, want to live together, want the emotional stability and support of a devoted partner, etc. Somehow "well, we've been dating for a few years and eveything's going okay, so I guess it's time for us to get married" doesn't sound like a strong enough reason to walk down the aisle.
@only1shi (404)
• United States
17 Dec 07
if you can't honestly sit down and talk with someone about the future, you shouldn't even consider the idea of marriage! i would definately make sure that you have similar goals in mind, whatever they may be- kids, career, money, house. if you can't see eye to eye when you're dating, then that will never change.
i've been happily married for a year and a half and have a beautiful four month old. my husband and i were friends first, dated for a few year and engaged for almost two more before getting married. with him, i knew from the very beginning that he was the one i was meant to be with.
but marriage isn't for everyone. don't try to force something that isn't there. just see where love takes you!
@kimberlylynn (978)
• United States
17 Dec 07
I was really praying for clarity, I felt this relationship was right and no desire to ever look at another man, but it was still so new. He was going to move soon, should I go with him and give it all up for a chance at love? Then I got my sign...I was pregnant. Yes, we got married, moved and have built a great life together. I don't know that there is ever a right time, kind of like having a baby. Sometimes you just have to go for it and take a chance.
