Do I wait to tell him I want a divorce?
By girljar
@girljar (287)
United States
January 7, 2008 11:18pm CST
I am going to tell my husband I want a divorce, but I don't know if I should wait until a)I talk to my therapist, b)We are in a better financial situation (about a month) c)He finds a job in Indiana d)We kick our tenants out of our house, and e)He has his depression under control?
All the details surrounding my marriage are on my previous post "How do I tell my husband I want a divorce".
You all were so helpful, and I got so much good advice, I wanted to see what you think on this. I know I want a divorce, I just don't know when is the best time to tell him. We have been married for 21 years, and we get along, so staying together for a few more months wouldn't kill us. But I just wonder if telling him now would hurt him more, or help him-knowing that he can leave his job and move back home where he is happy. Please help me with this. Thank you in advance for your help.
4 people like this
12 responses
@Aurone (4755)
• United States
8 Jan 08
I went back and read your previous post and all I can say is wow. It sounds like your therapist thinks you should be ending the marriage as well. If you want to wait to talk to your therapist before breaking the news to your husband, I think that would be okay, if you are going to ask for advice on how best to tell him.
But since divorce proceedings take a while, I don't think you are doing yourself any favors by waiting. You could tell him you want a divorce, but instead of kicking him out of Florida right away you could allow him to get things straightened out in Indiana before asking him to move out.
He won't get over the depression until the situation changes. He has to want to deal with the depression before he gets better.
Good luck with all of this.
1 person likes this
@eden32 (3973)
• United States
8 Jan 08
I didn't read your previous post, but I'd say talk to your therapist first. Personally I would be of the opinion that the sooner you tell him the better, but I'm not a mental health professional. I'd want the opinion of one because of his depression. It sounds as though you care about him, to consider his condition when making your decision. Best wishes to you however you choose to handle this.
@girljar (287)
• United States
9 Jan 08
I think you are right about waiting until I talk to my therapist. I worry about how this will affect him, since he is already battling depression. I guess battling is not the correct word, since battling something means you're doing something about it, and he's not. Thank you for your advice.
@coolimrose (539)
• New Zealand
9 Jan 08
Sad but true to say one must not stay if your lacking on happiness.Its so sad i feel like crying. Many times this happens some people keep on living some find a solution.Do you work,if yes then you r financially independent to take such a step.I am thinking about those who r dependent and cannot think of anything.so very very sad.
I think you should say right no though am sure he knows this was due.Give him time to settle things before he leaves and if u say right now it will makes things clear for him and you too.There is no need waiting just say please for his sake speak upo now..
All the best.You really made me cry i really dont know why??
1 person likes this
@cici0081 (27)
• China
9 Jan 08
In my opinion,get married is an event that two lovers fall in love ,then they want to have a warm family that get married,so I don't agreed you divorce,it is so bad ,at present I think he is not only your lover,but also a friend,a family,I know you have decide divorce,but pls look before you leap
1 person likes this
@Ohara_1983 (4117)
• Kuwait
8 Jan 08
sorry because i dint read you privous discussion, but if you really feel that your relationship become more worse why not, ask to him, we know that he will act in a bad way but if you really think that will be best for you go ahead my dear. it will be peace of your mind.
@34momma (13882)
• United States
8 Jan 08
honey don't put off tomorrow what you can do today. when we wait to do something like this for the benefit of somoene else it is more for us then we want to admit. ending a long term relationship is never easy, but if you are serious about wanting it over, doing it right now is the only way to go. putting it off longer is not going to change how you feel. because if you allow it, there is always going to be a reason to wait until tomorrow, next week, next month.
out of love and respect for you, he, and the relationship of 21 years, do it now and save yourself
@anniepa (27955)
• United States
15 Jan 08
Only you can decide which is best for both of you because you're the one who knows him but since you've said he's so unhappy where you are maybe it would actually make him feel better rather than worse knowing he can go back to Indiana where he's happy. I think I'd tell him sooner rather than later but I can't say for sure since I'm not going through it. Best of luck to you whatever you do.
Annie
@Countrymom (371)
• United States
8 Jan 08
Is he going to the therapist also? Perhaps you could have a joint session and broach it that way. I would make very very sure this is what I want before discussing it with him. He may feel that things could be worked out. A session with your therapist would be a good time for you to sort out these questions and consider how you want to broach this with your husband. I know things have been going downhill between you for a long time and sometimes it seems nigh onto impossible to work through things. Since you do get along I think I would do it with the therapist (that is assuming that he would even go if you asked him to). Hang in there! Know that you are valued and loved by many. Hugs to you!
@girljar (287)
• United States
9 Jan 08
Yes, he goes to therapy separately, by himself. I am sure; it's just very scary for me. But, I did leave him last January, and lived on my own with my 17 year old daughter for 6 months. During that time, I felt more free and content, and at peace than I ever have in my life. I never feel that way since he moved down here. I used to be cheery and happy, and I laughed all the time. I was pleasant to be around. Now, I am none of those things. I'm sure he will want to try to work things out, but we have tried sooooo many times. It's just not working, and I don't believe it ever will. Sure, there's security in staying married to him, but no happiness for me. Thank you for your response-you're sweet.
@abdulwahab468 (384)
• Pakistan
9 Jan 08
just b bold and go ahead.
there are no protocols in real life between spouses
@graedragon (329)
• United States
8 Jan 08
Is there really ever a good time to tell someone that you want a divorce. If you do not do it now then in a month from now you will have another reason to not tell him. That is just the way it is.
I think that he has a right to know what you are feeling and wanting. Don't hide it from him it just makes things harder down the road.
Best of luck to you
