Having Babies...Old Fashioned or New Trend...
By twoey68
@twoey68 (13627)
United States
January 18, 2008 1:48pm CST
This discussion isn't meant to be judgemental or anything towards anyone but I am curious about something.
How many women or couples waited to have children till they were married? If you have more than one child, do they have the same dad or different ones? And do you think it's old-fashioned to wait till your married to start having kids?
Now, I don't have children and will never have any simply b/c I can't but even if I had been able to I probably would have waited to have one till I was married and settled down. That's just my own decision.
I see alot girls having babies without ever knowing who the father is and it seems like it's become no big deal. I've even been told that I'm so old fashioned b/c I told someone that it used to be a custom to wait till after you were married to start having kids.
So I'm curious whether I'm old fashioned or whether this custom, like alot of others, has gotten kicked to the curb or whether this is a new trend.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
19 people like this
44 responses
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
18 Jan 08
I really didn't want to have children because I knew how hard it would be to raise them and knew it took alot of money, but I ended up having a child before I was married. That was both our faults, but I have no regrets on my part.
I wanted to settle down and do the right thing but her real father didn't and still doesn't. My daughter is 15 years old now. I met someone who has been in our life since she was 9 months old though and we have been married for 12 years now.
5 people like this
@nancyrowina (3850)
•
18 Jan 08
I don't feel that I would HAVE to be married but I'd certainly like to be in a secure and settled relationship before I even considered having children. The stigma around unmarried mothers has gone now so your child won't suffer if you aren't married, but they would if they didn't know who there dad was and have a stable relationship with him as well as their mother.
5 people like this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
18 Jan 08
Great discussion, I believe that a child's needs two parents in its life, My daughter had a baby and she is not married, My granddaughter is the joy of my life but it has been very hard on my daughter having to carry the burden all by her self,I am talking financially, emotionally and physically.
My granddaughters father was not interested in having a child in fact he told my daughter to terminate the pregnancy, I am so grateful that she chose other wise but at has cost he a great deal, and now that my granddaughter is 7 she wants to meet her father and ask him why, and while she has a right to meet her father I know it is going to be a great upheaval because he will lie through his teeth and not accept responsibility for his actions, my daughter told her daughter the truth that her father was not interested in being part of a family or being a daddy, So now my granddaughter wants to know why. it is a very difficult thing to go through, So I have to agree that it would be better to wait until you had a partner that was going to be part of your family, I will not say married but there has to be some form of commitment.
5 people like this
@happythoughts (4109)
• United States
18 Jan 08
I am oldfashioned as well. My husband and I waited until we were married to ever "get together" and then we started trying for kids. I am not going to judge any one for their choices, but my life has been fairly easy with the choices I have made. I know who my babies daddy is and he has no doubts that he is the dad. We were in a stable family when our kids came into the world. Though I was only 20 when we decided to have kids, I would have never done it any other way.
4 people like this
@jezzmay (1845)
• United States
18 Jan 08
I believe in waiting to be married to have children.
I have two by my first marriage,and one by my second.
We are all one family.This is what I believe,I do not
judge any one.I believe values have gone down hill,it
would be nice to return to them,but I do not see that
happening.
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (160663)
• United States
18 Jan 08
My kids are grown. They were very definitely were the waiting kind. Actually, my son married into grandkids for me, and my daughter was the waiting kind.
3 people like this
@mkirby624 (1598)
• United States
31 Jan 08
I don't think it's old fashioned to wait until you are married at all....it's logical. Number 1, children need a mother and a father. Number 2, it takes more than one income to raise children.
The only time you should have children out of wedlock is if you are coming to am age of infertility and are not married yet, and you want children. At that point, you get a sperm donor and I don't think there is anything wrong with that because most women who make that decision are established with a good income.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
28 Jan 08
First to start with, I had a child out of wedlock when I was seventeen that I gave up for adoption or was forced to. My father and stepmother did not invite any friends who had sons my same age or older, so I felt that no one in the whole world would marry me and my father was emotionally abusive and I wanted someone to marry me and take me away. I was young and foolish then. I am also 65 now, and then things were different. You were a social pariah and no decent guy would date you and the parents of decent men would not let you near their sons. I went through a long period of secondary virginity followed by a short fling until I am to my senses, stopped acting wild and met my husband. Unfortunately the damage was done. Unknowing to me, my boyfriend who got me pregnant had given me std and I was unaware of it until I started to have pains. I had one miscarriage and possibly more, but we adopted. Only I was 29 when married so we could not adopt new borns, our sons were three months old so I missed out on holding a new born until I held my granddaughter
So in many cases, knowing this is typical -no decent guy would have gone near her aunt or relative who had an illegitimate child, the reason a girl has a baby out of wedlock and continues to do so is a lack of forgiveness. Also once a girl has slept with a guy even if she did not get pregnant, word gets around and no guy would marry her.
Then it rebounds, the wrong becomes the right and the need to procreate as young as possible overcomes this. The relatives of the girl feel that they have to continue their line in spite of the rule of God against fornication. They turn off their conscience and it becomes pride and the girls will go anywhere to have a baby.
I do think today it is the lack of morals, and the lack of God in their lives, because I made a mistake, but to me have to continue in that mistake was wrong.
Maybe it is that these girls did not get the punishment to make them stop.
It is wrong to continue in a sin.
2 people like this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
18 Jan 08
I don't think you are old-fashioned, its just that these young folks out here don't know what to do with themselves. Now I have to admit, I did have two children out of wedlock. But the only reason I did was because I was young and dumb, and thought I was in love. If I had it to do over again, I would have waited until I was married too. But read closely, I was dumb, but not just plain stupid. I knew who my children's father was. I wasn't one of these stupid females nowadays that just go messing around all over the place and end up on Maury trying to pin it on one guy. Well, I did end up on Maury myself, but I was trying to prove a point, which I did. I think its wrong and nasty not to know who your children's father is, whether they were had in or out of wedlock, and that is something I would never permit to happen to myself.
2 people like this
@thedogshrink (1266)
• United States
23 Jan 08
Very well said! I would love to hear about your experience on Maury!
2 people like this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
13 Apr 08
Its a funny story really. My children's father had been hearing from some supposed friends of mine that I was messing around on him. Not only am I loyal to someone that I am with, but even if I am not with someone I have a strict rule that I don't mess with two guys between times of the month. Anyways, after our son was born he started voicing that he didn't believe he was the father. I guess there was some disbelief. My son came out very light-skinned, and both of us are dark. But despite that, he looked just like his father. Anyway, after getting tired of hearing him say it, I finally told him, "You say it again, and I'm going to call Maury." He went off in a rage as usual. He just always had to be right. "Call Maury, I don't care!!!" So once he left, I did. I told the producer the story. That we had broken up and he was living upstairs from me with some girl. That he didn't do anything for his child, didn't even walk his butt down the stairs to see him. They took my story, and called him the next day. He came back downstairs after they got his side of the story, and said to me "I didn't know you were gonna call them for real!!!" Don't play with me, I will leave you holding the bag.
After doing the testing (If you have a question of paternity before you go, the testing is done at a spot in your area) We got limos taking us to the airport, and flew to New York. I was so scared, it was my first time on a plane!!! First, when we took off, my son, then 1 month old, didn't like it at all. When we started down the runway, he was looking around as if to say, "Isn't this car going a little fast?" Then when we took off he hollered. "Oh lawd this car done left the ground!!! I knew we was going too fast!!!" Luckily I had a bottle prepared, so I gave him that and he was fine.
The show was a cinch really. I wasn't nervous because I knew who I had been with, and the test would prove that. I was the first out of the group for that taping to go onstage. Maury's studio looks much bigger on TV than it is in real life. Its the size of a large living room really. Well, I told my story again, they showed his video, then called him out on stage. They let us argue a little bit, and then sent us back because our show was supposed to be two days.
Most times, when they say that its 24 hours later, its really only 20 minutes. They had us change clothes, and come back onstage. We argued a little more, a few more insults, and they brought out the test results. Sure enough, as I had been telling him the whole time, that was his son!!!
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
24 Apr 08
Thank you for the best response. I just wish these children nowadays would take more pride in themselves than to have a baby at a young age. I just got in touch with some relatives I haven't spoken to in a while. My female cousin has had a baby, thank God she is married though. And three of my male cousins have fathered kids. Well, two and a possible. With the third one the girl said that she had been messing around, so they don't know who the father is. She is due any day now. *Sigh* It isn't cute to go around having kids, you know?
@cynddvs (2948)
• United States
31 Jan 08
Well my plan was to wait until I was married to have a baby. However for me things did not work out that way. And believe me I didn't get pregnant because it was a "cool trend". It just happened. Luckily my boyfriend and I were very in love so we made the decision to stay together make things work and raise our daughter. 2 years later we are now married and I couldn't imagine things being any other way. I absolutely adore my family. I couldn't imagine my life without my daughter. I truly think God has a plan for all of us. And I guess I was just meant to become a mother when I did. I think my husband and I have done the best job raising our daughter so far and I don't regret a thing.
1 person likes this
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
18 Jan 08
I was married almost 2 years when my husband and I had our 1st child. So far, our only child. For either of us.It may be old fashioned, but its just the way it worked out. Others can have children outside of wedlock. and have. Not new or a trend. Just more open. When you keep secrets you end up with a Jack Nicholson scenario. At 37 years old he discovered the woman he thought was his sister was actually his mother. And who his mother was his grandmother. That sort fo stuff is more harmful than the truth, check it out:
http://www.snopes.com/movies/actors/nicholson.asp
@beyonce03 (2331)
• Canada
31 Jan 08
These days, where I'M from (Quebec, Canada), most of the people have children before getting married. I don,t think that being married will change how you will take care of your child. People get married and get divorced also.
I'M not married (but we've been engage for 2 years now) and we are waiting for our first child at the end of march. Of crouse we want to get married one day, but that's a lot o money and I prefer putting that money on my child for the moment :)
1 person likes this
@blackbriar (9076)
• United States
30 Jan 08
I really think it's very wrong for babies to be having babies. I waited till I was married to have out daughter. Actually, I didn't want any kids but lo and behold, I got preggy and chose to keep her. Sad to see these girls having babies when they are really just kids themselves. And to not even know who the father is..very sad indeed. Now if they were raped, I can see not knowing the father.
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
28 Jan 08
I think people have their own beliefs with things like this & it's soley a personal decision.
I have 1 daughter & another baby on the way but i am not married. My children have the same father - we've been together for 10 years this coming April but both feel that marriage wouldn't change anything - we'd still have the same feelings, still be living the same way & it would be a waste of money.
We may elope but i really don't know yet - it's not like it's a big deal for us coz with or without that piece of paper that says we can legally share the same last name - we'll still be in the same situation we are now :)
I think if you want to wait then that's great for you, doing what you think is right but if you choose not to wait then that's fine as well - as long as the kids come first & are taken care of properly - it's all that matters in this world!
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
28 Jan 08
You are not being old fashioned, you are being wise. It not only is good for the couple, but also the child too..
I also am not being judgmental, because I understand that sometimes people make mistakes, but that doesn't make it right..
I have seen both, traditional families and the non-traditional. The traditional ones are stronger and more at peace than the non-traditional ones. The children are happier and more well-behaved. There is security in these families that the others don't have.
Oh you will hear that the non-traditional ones are doing well and that even the traditional ones are struggling, but looking down the long road, the traditional ones USUALLY are the ones that stand through the storms of life easier..
1 person likes this
@schilds (410)
• United States
31 Jan 08
I think it is very important to be married. My husband and I lived together for 5 years before we got married. He asked me once before we were married about when we were going to have kids - I told him as soon as we were married I would stop taking birth control. I do have to admit my reasons are more practical that moral. There will never be a paternity test - both of our rights are secure. I wanted to know that if he decides to leave it isn't as simple as just packing a bag - he has to hire an attorney and file for divorce (not that I expect him to leave, otherwise I wouldn't have married him, but I know if he does leave it won't be over something small) And I figure if you don't like someone enough to marry - you probably shouldn't be sleeping together.
In this state the mom gets full custody and child support by default without marriage. If the dad wants even visitation he has to retain an attorney and sue mom. We have a friend going through this now. He is on his 3rd attorney and mom has yet to be served with papers. The baby even lived with him for nearly a year - but as soon as mom showed up he had to hand over the baby. If they had been married they get 50/50 custody by default.
1 person likes this
