When he wants more and I don't

He sounds like he's one of those clueless men who has no idea how difficult pregnancy is and what it really means to stay home taking care of children. I have one of those myself so I can sympathize with you. I already had 3 children when he and I got togther but I'm kind of the opposite of you in that I have generally easy pregnancies and what not and enjoy the baby stage so having more wasn't an issue for me. But even after 2 pregnancies and everything with me he still couldn't get his head out of his *** long enough to help me out during our third. I delivered in November 2006 and right up to September I was still helping him with his race cars because he "needed me" yet I got no help in return on "my work". He couldn't understand that I needed to go to bed before 2am and get more than 5 hours of sleep a day. He didn't understand that a lousy can of beefaroni was not a meal for me. He didn't so much as get his butt out of the chair in the corner to hold my hand as I delivered our third son by myself while the doctor threw her gloves and smock on. And now his version of "helping" out around the house is to occupy our now 15 month old, almost 3 and 5 year olds with a bag of potato chips while he sits at the computer. Ok now I'm just ranting about mine which doesn't really do you any good! I say, you know what you need and what would be good for you. If another child is not part of that than stick with it and find a way to get him to understand. IF he was willing to be a stay at home dad and do all the things you do AND hire help for you during another pregnancy and whatever else would be necessary then I could POSSIBLY side with him although it's still your body that would go through the 'trauma' and he can't change that in any way so it would still be up to you. Just to keep things semi smooth between you two for now, why don't you look into a less permanent form of birth control like an IUD and make it clear that there will absolutely not be any more babies at least until you two have some relationship counseling where you can air out your feelings in a safe environment and he takes parenting classes to learn what his role in the family actually needs to be. You could also find out if there are any pregnancy related courses you both could go to so he can learn the demands of a pregnacy from an "expert" since he apparently can't take your word on it. And tell him that ONLY after all of that will you even consider the possibility of another child and that the decision will be yours and only yours.

I think you should take jess' suggestion and get your husband to be the sole caregiver for AT LEAST 1 full day, maybe a weekend. Let him fully experience Everything that goes into taking care of the kids. Then see how he feels about having another one. You should also see what your doctor says. With both pregnancies being so tough, they may recommend that you NOT have any more for medical reasons. -Tink

You are 100% correct! If he isnt there now, why in the world does he want another? You should ask him to be a stay at home day for a few months, then he can see here you are coming from. I know that may not be possible, but he would understand. Then he may change his mind. Or you can give him a scenario, saying "I am going to get my tubes tied. Maybe after our daughter is out of her terrible twos, we can think about adopting." Then you can adopt a child that older than one, because you like older children, and you dont have to go through a horrible pregnancy again. He should understand your position. You were miserable during you other two pregnancy's, why would he wish that upon you again?

i would appreciate if you trim down your sentences into 5 to 10 because long writings tend to scare people off just like me and i don't have the time to read all your statments that you made. i am busy answering questions and discussion like you in this site and at the same time make money. my suggestion is to limit your writing into the whole textbox that mylot has provided you and try to save other ideas for the next topic that you will write about. i am sorry if i offend you but i'm just saying what i feel and sometimes what i feel is what other people feel too. i'm sorry, i really am. thanks.

I agree with you on this. The only thing I was worried about is you getting your tubes tied. I didn't want to have anymore children after having 4 boys, so I had my tubes tied and now wish I hadn't. I want to have another kid now, but surgery is too expensive for us right now. Think hard before making that decision. It has been 7 years since my tubes were tied. My kids are 13, 11, 9 and 7.

If you don't want any more children, then don't have any. Its hard to tell from the post, is he more upset that you don't want more kids or that you are getting your tubes tied? I definately agree that he needs to be there more for you and your children before even thinking about any other children. Here's the only hesitation that I would have about getting my tubes ties is that it is pretty much permanant and you're still fairly young and have already changed your mind once about how many children you wish to have. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand what you are saying and repect your situation and whatever decision you make. I am just trying to see the situation from both sides. Maybe you should look into getting an IUD for 5 years and then decide, that will you sometime to sort out the bumps and might ease his mind a bit.

You know your body more than anyone. Honestly if he gets pis*y at you over this. Tell him bluntly, NO, I don't want any more kids, and your the reason why. Yes you are a bad father and husband. It's been 8 months since our daughter was born, please tell me 5 and I mean 5 good things you have done to help me. When he can't, simply say I thought so. Maybe he's so blind, you have to open his eyes. Tell him to start making up for his crap, or your going to leave him. You might love him, and he loves you, but he doesn't respect you. You have to be blunt with him, even if it hurts his feelings. Sounds like he's trying to turn the guilt around onto you. Make him watch her for one day. When he's off from work, make sure she's feed and changed. Just place her in his lap and say, I'm going out to get a few things. She's been feed and changed, in a few hours you will have to put her down for a nap, when she wakes she will need to be changed and feed again. Then just walk out, don't feel guilty for leaving her with him, he is her dad. Then don't come back until you feel he has learned his lesson. Maybe she will soil her diaper and it will make him sick, lol.

Maybe your husband was working harder so he can give you and your kids a better future. You both should have equal share in responsibility but your husband is the one working so he is maybe tired but not being lazy to care. Anyways, try to explain to him in a nice way how you feel. Tell him you are proud of him working and all but you need time as well for yourself and if he can help you with that. Try doing something together if possible to get your bonding back. I have 5 kids at the age of 34 and I would like to stop having kids but I am not closing my options on having another one. I love kids and it is really painful to give birth but if I and my husband would be happy with another one I would be more than willing to have one. :)

Oh honey, I feel for you. I have a friend going through the same thing. In your case, you had a child with him. You have too many complications. You have a strong conviction. He needs to respect your wishes as you have respected his already by having one child...mind you against yours. It is time that you do something to make it permanent not to have any more. This would relieve some of the pressure off of your mind. He needs to be a partner and respect you and your wishes. Also, he needs to help around the house and with the children. And get you some help if this is possible. You need to just go ahead and plan some time, maybe a lunch with a friend. Also, go get a massage and do some shopping...for yourself. If you are like most women with a family you do for everyone else and not yourself. Take some steps to do what you want, even if they are small ones at first. But having a baby is a major decision and you have medical issues. You do not need to have another child. I know I have been there myself and so has my daughter. With us and the babies. So I know exactly where you are coming from. Do what is best for you! I hate to say it but, men are not always there for you and you need to do what is best for you! Brightest Blessings to you and your family.

If he is not being help or supportive I can certainly understand, especially since you have already been a single mom before. Being married SHOULD be easier not harder! Like someone else suggested, check into the IUD instead of a tubal. Some people have horrible complications from a tubal and end up needing a reversal anyway. I wish I had gone with the Mirena. I had my tubes tied when I had an emergency C-section last year, and I get sad knowing its permanent even tho I know I am done...there's something about knowing you can't. I want it to be my choice...ya know? It was my choice to get the tubal so maybe I am not making any sense. It makes sense to me tho!

If you aren't 100% comfortable and excited about having another child, DON'T DO IT! It wouldn't be fair to you, the baby, or your other kids, plus you would end up resenting your husband. If he can't appreciate that, he needs some help doing so. Especially since you had so many difficulties with both pregnancies, he ought to be grateful you and your child are still even alive! I hope getting your tubes tied works for you. Blessed Be