What did I do?
By arkaf61
@arkaf61 (10881)
Canada
February 26, 2008 9:41pm CST
Today when I came in my mother in law wanted to talk to me. She was very upset because I don't feed my son.
I really don't fall for her interest in arguments, so I just told her that I appreciated her concern but what I do with my children is mine and hubby's business and just came up to my place.
But what did I do?
My son is almost 15 years old. Sometimes he goes to a friend's house - he calls us so we know, but often forgets to come back home by the time we give them.
So, when he is not home by diner time I do not cook anything else for him. Don't get me wrong, he is allowed to eat. If there are leftovers he can warm them up and eat. If not he can make a sandwich or even cook something for himself if he wants.
But I will not cook for him if he's not home by diner time.
I don't think that is anything wrong with this. Our house is not a restaurant. THere's always something to eat and he certainly does not starve. But the cook in here cooks only once per meal.
Am I wrong? Would you act differently? WOuld you cook another meal for your teen that did not come home on time for diner, or even get up and warm up leftovers for him?
THe above question, regarding my being wrong, is just rethorical. I don't think I am wrong and have no reason to do it differently. MY son understands the rules and he certainly can take care of a meal that he was not here to have. That doesn't mean I am right, or the way I deal with this is the only appropriate one, but it certainly does not make it wrong.
On the other hand I know that some of you might deal with this differently. How, is what the reason of this discussion. How would you deal with this? Cook a meal, not cook a meal?
15 people like this
36 responses
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
27 Feb 08
One of the things I really liked about the governor of the great State of California when he first took office was his statement that being governor was not going to interfere with his family rules that everyone, and that included him, had to be home for dinner and all eat together like a family. Dunno how well he kept that promise that he made to himself, but I like to think he did. If there is a set dinner time, then anyone who misses it for any reason other than an emergency trip to the hospital due to a broken arm or something similarly serious, misses it.
What troubles me more than your son's eating habits is your mother in law's eagerness to poke her nose where it doesn't belong. Did you ask her the source of her information? Good thing I don't have any teenagers, because I'd be like Arnold. Then questions like that would never come up.
3 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
27 Feb 08
AH my friend, she works in mysterious ways LOL
Actually I prefer not to allow her to upset me, so I am just as polite as possible and withdraw - there's a little bit of meanness in this : she gets really upset that she wasn't able to get me to argue with her :)
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
27 Feb 08
I think she learned about it because a few days back my son called her asking how to make this thing that she had made for him before. I couldn't tell him because I had never cooked that, so he called grandma. I guess that she felt really worried that I was not cooking for him - oh well.....
1 person likes this
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
27 Feb 08
No, I can honestly say that if my kids were 15 and they didn't make it home in time for dinner, I would be the same way. I fixed dinner once, they missed it. Sorry! They can heat it up if there's any left or fix something else. it's not like they are babies and can't feed themselves. he's fifteen. I think what you are doing is completely right. he's definitely old enough to tell time and know when dinner is ready and if decides to miss dinner than he should either have to heat food up or fix something hisself. I think your doing a great job and don't let her get to you to bad. Grandmother's can be overprotective even more than parents sometimes. thanks for posting and God bless
3 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
27 Feb 08
The good thing about this is that at his age she is not going to have a chance to influence him much.
I remember that I has such extra work getting my daughter to understand that most clothes go in drawers because at that time my mother in law interfered and whenever I told my daughter she had to put the things in the drawers grandma would show up in here and do it for her!
My son can certainly feed himself. Diner is served at a certain time here and whoever isn't here.. well, go fix your own food.
Unless of course there is a special reason like illness or something like that.
1 person likes this
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
27 Feb 08
Exactly, very well said. God bless
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (38126)
• Philippines
27 Feb 08
I think its just practical what you do. It also teaches them the consequences they may make if ever they fail to come home on time. Also I can see that it would also make your son to be independent doing his own meal if he wishes to do so. I guess you mom in law is just the old fashioned type of a mother the she was when her kids were young. For as long as your husband supports you on your policies at home then there's no problem at all. Maybe you could try to explain to your mom in law about it so that she may or may not find it a bit wrong.
3 people like this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
27 Feb 08
When my sons were fifteen, they were learning how to cook for themselves and if they came in late, then they could get leftovers out of the fridge and warm them up. They could also fry an egg, make some rice, mix a hamburger, or put some frozen veggies in a microwave and warm them up. You cannot be expected to make a complete meal twice or even to delay you and your husband and your other children to wait until fifteen year old deams it is okay to come home.
It is your rule, not your son's nor your mother-in=law's.
3 people like this
@Debs_place (10520)
• United States
27 Feb 08
You are right, you are training him for adulthood, he misses a meal, he has to deal with it. So many men expect their wives to be their at their back and call and that they can come and go as they please. Wrong! If they learn to deal with the consequences when young, they will make better husbands when they are older.
Good Job, Mom!
3 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
27 Feb 08
I Knew I couldn't be that much in the wrong :)
I honestly try not to pay much attention to MIL, often she is just looking for someone to argue with, that's why I didn't give her the chance for it.
My son understands the rules and has no problem with them. My husband agrees with the way we do it, so she really has nothing to say about it.
He is actually a nice cook and sometimes will cook something even better than my dinner LOL
1 person likes this
@steffyhoney (706)
• United States
27 Feb 08
I agree. As long as he nots "starving". At age 11 I was making my own food due to my father never even being home and I had to cook for my sisters as well. So at 15 I think if hes hungry he will cook something. As for the mother in law, I dont think it should be any of her business. Whether its right or wrong. However if you were doing something completely bad I could understand her butting in. I hate when people try and tell me how I should raise my child. What I should do with her and this and that. How she should be punished etc. I think if it works for you it does, and if he knows hes suppose to be home then he knows and should understand that as well.
3 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
27 Feb 08
I don't think you are wrong. I wouldn't cook a separate meal either. My 7 year old son knows that if he's not home by 7 PM after play time, he's got to serve himself.
We don't wait up for my husband either. There are certain days when he is home late...and he heats his food and eats alone.
I would deal with the situation the same as you...and if son knows the rules, then I wouldn't bother about it. And not having one meal isn't going to affect your son (if he feels the same as his grandmother about you cooking another meal for him).
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
27 Feb 08
Unless you are consistent with rules, kids will not respect them. And since your son knows the rule and respects it, I see no problem (not that you said there is one)
I'm an Indian mother.....but not a 'typical' Indian one I can see...lol
I just read the above response of my friend (no offence)....and I know my MIL used to do that...and it used to drive me nuts...because my husband expected me to do the same for our kids. Not that my son is old enough to be staying out and coming past dinner time....but I expect rules to be respected and I'm not going to be serving meals at different times just because one is not in the 'mood' to eat.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (160491)
• United States
27 Feb 08
You and I are very much alike and I think you handle it just fine. At fifteen he is certainly old enough to meet deadlines, warm up his own leftovers, choose what he wants out of the refrigerator, and wash his own dishes. You would never get out of the kitchen if you accomodated every schedule variance by cooking another meal.
3 people like this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
27 Feb 08
what are you more worried about…your son not returning home in time, your MIL interfering in your personal household decisions or your conscience which is whispering that maybe something is not right somewhere! I will be responding from an Indian mother’s point of view so most probably you (and others wont agree).
First of all at 15, my son won’t get the liberty of staying at somebody else’s house for so long that he returns post-dinner time. He can stay out so long only after 18 or 21 maybe or on very special occasions. Secondly, no house is a restaurant and so instead of letting him go like this, you can sit and talk to him and tell him how you miss him at dinner time and how it makes you both as parents, incomplete without him at the dinner table and how as a mother, you long to share your day with him. I am sure he will make an effort of returning in time for dinner. Thirdly, make an effort to stay up and actually warm the food for him, then sit with him while he is eating and instead of being angry, make him feel how much you are doing for him as a mother. The child in him is bound to reciprocate by making a similar effort of not keeping mummy up so late.
He is your child…today he is returning late, tomorrow he will stay over and someday he will no longer bother to inform and then you will be the one spending the whole night worrying your brains out. He is not an adult yet, I don’t think its OK to allow him to behave like one. Sorry if I am sound like a preaching aunt
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
27 Feb 08
Frankly I am not really worried about any:)
I know that in some cultures him coming home past diner time would not be an option. But I don't have a problem with it as long as it does not happen often and there is a reason for it.
My mother in law interfering used to bother me more than worry me, but I have grown a bit past that in the last few years.
My conscience seems to be fine on this one. I try to make things fair and I find that I am being fair - again by my own standards.
But I can see you point of view/the point of view of your culture.
What I like about it, is the caring way you would talk to him and how you would stop what you are doing to do that small something.
The part about "The child in him is bound to reciprocate by making a similar effort of not keeping mummy up so late." does not really apply because I am not talking about him coming home past my bed time. Merely some time after diner, which could be anything from 15 minutes to half an hour.
I really appreciate your response. That is the way we learn how things are dealt with in other cultures and places and I don't think you sound like a preaching aunt. Just someone who cares about her family and follows the traditions she grew up with. THere's nothing wrong in that :)
@subha12 (18441)
• India
27 Feb 08
I think all the answers related to this may not be the way you think. I think its not totally the fault of your in-law. May be it was reported to her by this way?
Also if any food can be left purposedly for him, so that he can warm and take it when he returns, i guess there is no harm.
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
27 Feb 08
Yes, it could be possible. Given another mother in law :)
My son does not have anything against the rule, he's fine with it. The only reason grandmother heard about it it's because a few days ago he came after we had dinner and wanted to cook something that grandmother made for him some time before. So he called her asking how to make it.
I keep leftover in the fridge, he can warm it up. Actually he can cook very well, which he has chosen to do some times.
1 person likes this
@valerie37 (1002)
• Christiansburg, Virginia
27 Feb 08
I think you are absolutely right. If he knows what time to be there and he isn't then you shouldn't have to cook again just for him.
2 people like this
@valerie37 (1002)
• Christiansburg, Virginia
27 Feb 08
Well grandmas are like that. I've had to at times with my own mother remind her who is the parent as far as things with my kids are concerned. And my mother-in-law well considering from the time her that her daughter was just a baby my mother-in-laws brother and his wife adopted her daughter and my husband and his brothers were 6,7 and 8 her parents raised them she knows better than to tell me how to raise my kids because she knows that I won't hesitate to tell her if she had raised her own kids then MAYBE she could give me advice on raising mine.
2 people like this
@AICIRT81 (847)
• United States
27 Feb 08
If he is old enough to come and go as he pleases, he is old enough to make his own dinner or show up at dinner time. At 15, he knows to eat if he is hungry and should be capable of feeding himself. Heck, he is old enough to drive a car, so I think making himself a PB&J should be a walk in the park. she might have a point if he was 2, 5 or maybe even 9 or 10. But not at 15. In less than 3 years he could be off at college and have to do everything for himself. I would ignore the MIL.
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
2 Mar 08
ImmigrationSolution I just deleted a longer response to your post because there would be no point, I really don't have to explain myself. Let's just leave it at this: No, my son is not the problem. No my son does not have a problem with the rule. No, my son is not complaining about it to grandma.
And yes, my mother in law is a problem. Yes my mother in law likes to get people to be against each other. Yes, she would love to get me against my kids and my kids against me.
I"m sorry if this shocks you. I am not sure if you are reacting so strongly about this because you are a mother in law, or if you are in a family with wonderful in laws. But I'm afraid that's what it is. I've been emotionally abused by them for years, I learned how to read them quite well and also how not to be abused anymore.
Her comments had only one goal. Make me feel inadequate as a mother. Some years back I would fall for it, punish my son, and ask for her guidance. She would then have free reign over my house again. GO up and change everything in my drawers and closets, throw my school books away, close my dog in the kitchen, change my brand of soap and shampoo etc. etc. etc. Not now. Not anymore.
But thanks for you advice anyway :)
1 person likes this
@dizzblnd (3073)
• United States
27 Feb 08
I think he is learning a valuable lesson by what she is doing. The lesson is this You can't walk over your mother just because you can't come for dinner in time. If he misses a deadline at work is the boss going to cater to him and do it for him?? I THINK NOT! The MIL has a right to her opinion. But the mother of the child has no reason to cater to the child just because the MIL says so.
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
27 Feb 08
Well my Kids did not do it very often so I would dish theirs out and put it in the Microwave and they would heat it up when they got home
I would not cook again no and it has happened once that my Son was so late he made himself a Sandwich
When they started work again I would cook it dish it out and put it in the Microwave ready for when they got home and I used to heat it up for them then lol
But that was because by then I was out of a Job because of my Illness
But I see nothing wrong with that at all Sweetie
Tell her to mind her own Business, silly Woman that she is
@brimia (6581)
• United States
15 Mar 08
I don't think I would fix him a meal if he missed dinner. He wouldn't learn much by just coming and going as he pleases and always having a hot meal ready for him no matter what. He obviously isn't a child and the sooner he learns to either be responsible/be on time or cook for himself the better. Cooking for yourself is a valuable skill...you obviously won't be cooking for him forever :)
It's easy for grandparents to "critique". They tend to forget what it's like to raise young children/teenagers.
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
15 Mar 08
Yes, you are right about grandparents sometimes forgetting about the raising kids thing. When we look back we often find that they were even firmer than us, but still they get all soft with grandchildren which I guess is natural - although not so natural in my MIL case hehehehehe
@AmbiePam (91949)
• United States
27 Feb 08
You dealt with it just fine. You are not a cook on call 24/7. If he is not at home at dinner time, or doesn't want what you fix, then it is up to him to get his own meal. I don't want to make you mad, but personally I would be very upset with my mother-in-law. That is none of her business, and surely she has enough common sense to know you and your husband take care of your son no matter what. I think you handled it admirably. She needed to know that is was not any of her business. And it makes me think perhaps your son was griping to his grandmother? Which would be another concern. I hate when kids (I did it myself when I was younger) gripe to other family members about their own parents. All in all I think you have handled everything exactly right. Kudos to you for being a good mother and daughter-in-law.
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
27 Feb 08
Actually he's fine with the rule. I think she caught on to it when a few days back he called her to ask how she made something she had cooked for him before.
He asked my first but I had no idea of what he was talking about and did not know how to make it.
I used to get very upset with my mother in law, but that is when I actually cared. WHen I still wanted her to like me. Right now I really could care less and I prefer not to allow her to upset me - plus... in a very small way, it's a bit of revenge : I know that what she actually wanted was for me to stay and argue, so I don't do it, and she ends up frustrated for not being able to achieve her goal LOL
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Mar 08
Good for you you are nota short order cook put there to serve your son day and night You gave him certain rules and he should obey and if he is late he's surely old enough to fix a good meal for himself I would act no differently and I think you are to be comnmended Your son will learn to appreciate a hot meal if he has to fend for himself ocassionally. I did the same with my son when he was twelve and he got so he loved to cook for himself even to cleaning up afterwords There were no harsh words between us he knew the rules and he learned he loved to cook. My husban was also a person who loved to cook but he left the mess for me and the tactics I used with son did not work for dad. I still ended up doing the dishes. men.
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
14 Mar 08
Yes, my son learned how to cook and he loves it too :)
I think that's a plus as well.
I sometimes end up with the dishes, but most times both my kids are very good at cleaning the mess.
Hubby too, sometimes, but he tends to clean only the obvious - like he will clean up the dishes and pots he used but forget to clean the stove and the counter LOL
But hey, it could be worse :):):)
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
5 Jul 08
thanks so much for best response, sorry I am so late.
