My Mother In Law...
@vera5d (4005)
United States
March 23, 2008 4:16pm CST
I am trying very hard today to be forgiving and understanding and not hate my mother in law.
Somehow she has gotten a handicapped parking sticker/sign for her car. It probably is meant for her mother she is taking care of who is 89 years old and has a legitimate hard time walking and getting around. Today, on Easter Sunday, she parked in the handicapped spot at church with it. As you may know easter sunday is one of those days church is packed. She has no problems walking. we arrived very early so she could have parked close without abusing the privlige of having the sticker...my hubby and i parked the farthest away from the church...because we figured there would be a lot of old people unable to walk that far...i'm pretty sure her doing this is illegal...if not illegal, definately terrible...
yesterday she made us go to an egg hunt. that sounds like it should be fun, right? no way. first she started picking up the eggs like she was one of the kids. I told her to put them down. they had a limit on how many eggs each kid could get so no doubt by her taking them some kid was going to get less eggs than anyone else. Then they had a prize table...she cut in line in front of about 25 people to get a prize. I refused to follow her. When we finally got to the prize table for my son, she took 2 more prizes...
this is sadly her typical behavior. it is getting to the point i am ready to tell her i am not going anywhere with her again. I could go on and on about other things she does...she steals stuff constantly...like salt shakers at a restaurant for example if she likes them...I refuse to go to a buffet with her - she loads up her plate and puts stuff in her purse. i won't even get into how she has a complete lack of respect for our privacy or personal time...i could go on and on, but I'll spare you all :) I think you get the point!
hubby has confronted her many times about this...she just pouts and tells us we're ridiculous...i do not know what to do but i am really starting to not like being around her and i know that's not good...
do you have anyone like this in your life? what do you do with them? how would you deal with her if you were me? I'm ready to stop talking to her for a long time...
1 person likes this
13 responses
@muscare (3068)
• Australia
24 Mar 08
Why don't you hate her, it works for me.... Ok, sorry, mine is a different story, as mine was controlling, always right, disrespecting and the list goes on. My wife actually cut off her family nearly two years ago, and it's definitely the best thing she ever did. Reading about yours, everything she does is just plain wrong, and she obviously has no conscience. I wouldn't be going out in public with her, and I'd also be limiting any other time spent with her, especially for your own sanity. She's obviously not going to change because she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong, so it is up to you to decide how much you can tolerate, and draw the line at that point!
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@vera5d (4005)
• United States
24 Mar 08
Lol, your post made me laugh. She is also very controlling - she will make you do something, nag to you to the end of the earth about stupid little things,etc. etc. I am going to try to completely avoid and ignore her for a few weeks. She is going to want to see our 7 month old daughter but i guess hubby can take her there...last time i tried to take a break from her for a week it resulted in her crying, calling me on the phone every day, and a ton of other manipulatuive behavior on her part. I gave up too soon because it was worse...but I think I am going to have to do this...though you are right, it may be easier to just succumb to my feelings, lol.
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@muscare (3068)
• Australia
25 Mar 08
When it comes to the dragon in law, whoops, I mean mother in law, there aren't a lot of laughs to be had, so I'm glad to give you one. She does sound very similar, the more you say about her, and just as toxic. We ended up having to get a phone with caller ID, just so we knew when she was trying to reach us! I feel for you in regards to your young daughter also, and wonder whether you have a hard time with the mother in law having anything to do with her. In the end, our three year old son(his age at the time) was one of the deciding factors in my wife cutting all ties. We endured all her crap, me for 7yrs, my wife all her life, but decided our son wasn't going to be 'poisoned' by her as well. I wish you all the best in whatever action you take!
@mbs730 (2147)
• Canada
24 Mar 08
Ugh my mother in law is hardly a joy. But yeah what your MIL did was bad, and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I have a friend who did the same thing with the handicap sticker and it just made me mad!! But it was not my business so I kept my mouth shut. It's just so not right when others take advantage of things like that. It's not just lazy but as wrong as something could possibly get!!
1 person likes this
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
24 Mar 08
it is so very inconsiderate! I better not catch her doing it again - but I know even if I do it wouldn't stop her! Who knows, I think I need to take a break from her and her games.thanks for sharing your response!
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
24 Mar 08
I can understand how you feel. It is both embarrassing and frustrating. I have an aunt like this. When we go shopping together, she has a hard time making up her mind, then when she finally does make up her mind, she has no problem changing it again or forgetting the whole thing altogether. It takes lots of patience to deal with her.
For instance, we went to Smart&Final one day. She wanted a container of dried Parsley leaves. For some reason (I do not remember) the reachable ones were not good enough. So the lady that worked there had to climb on a ladder to get one from the top.
After the lady took it down, my aunt started complaining about the fact that the price was too high. Even though, she knew the price before the lady went up there. She started saying how they purposely raised the price around Christmas time.
She was talking loud and the lady who had helped us was still there working on that same isle. Then my aunt decided she wanted to wait until they went on sale, so she just left them there after the lady had went through so much for her.
She will go into a resturant and order something and then say it smells funny and leave it there and not pay for it. She doesn't even taste it to see if it is bad or not. My personal favorite is when she is always asking to taste things before she buys it. Every place does not offer this curtesy, but she expects it.
But when I get to upset with her, something always prompts me to take a really good look at her. She is my mother's oldest sister. She is wise and I have learned a lot from her. If something should happen to her, I would be lost. She is the closest thing to a mother that I have.
When I think like this, it helps me to feel compassion and love for her and the anger disappears. She loves me and she not that bad of her person. She can be a little annoying at times, but if she were any other way, she wouldn't be my aunt. She is who she is and I love her dearly. I have not been the perfect niece and she has always forgiven me, so I have to love her too.
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
24 Mar 08
you must be a very patient and compassionate person! You are right for some people the good qualities shine through the bad, so it is great that you think of that every time she starts to get on your nerves. I will have to try to apply this to my mother in law, if it is possible, lol. Thanks for sharing your story!
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@drannhh (15219)
• United States
24 Mar 08
I really don't think stopping talking to her is going to change her behavior at all, but if it makes you feel better, go for it. Really, though, what troubles me here is that you seem to be expecting her to behave in a mature and reasonable manner, when clearly (from your description of her behavior at least) she is just not functioning on all six cylinders.
If it were me I would place the full problem in the lap of hubby as it is his problem. He needs to reason through and decide on the best solution. If his choice is not something you can live with, then that is something for you and him to work through. Not an easy situation, but since you ask our opinions here, mine is to separate the behavior from the person, and deal with each in the proper context. Good luck!
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@vera5d (4005)
• United States
24 Mar 08
he and his sister have tried very hard - they each take turns on days they spend with her and they tell her she shouldn't do things but she doesn't get it...hubby is really starting to resent her too and i hate for that to happen since it is his mother afterall...me avoiding her won't change her at all, but at least i won't be thinking about ways to ship her to a far off country, lol...she is at the point professional help is needed, but she won't get it...Maybe i will try your suggestion of separating the behvior from the person...but for now I really need a break from her before I go nuts myself :) thanks for the response!
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@rpegan (596)
• United States
24 Mar 08
Sometimes the elderly can be just like children, and you need to draw boundary lines. Just because your husband confronts her doesn't mean that she gets the point. Actions speak louder than words, so you might need to actively display that you're not willing to participate in her little activities.
Some of the things she's doing are illegal. Using a handicap sticker and taking things from a restaurant are both two shining examples of her going above the law. If nothing else, she needs to learn to grow up and not pout her way out of trouble.
You must remember that she had a hand in creating your partner, so she can't be all rotten inside. However, you may be able to get a point across better than your husband since he'll most likely not want to cross his own mother.
1 person likes this
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
24 Mar 08
she does have a few good points here and there but most of the time i am so infuriated by what she does that it all gets lost...hubby has done all he can...I think I am just going to have to avoid her for awhile and when she gets mad about explain to her it's the only way I'll keep calm :) thanks for the response!
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@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
24 Mar 08
i have an aunt somewhat like this and while she doesnt steal anything, she does load up on all the sugar and butter and everything else that is on the table even though she is way richer than us. she grew up during the depression where she as a young girl didnt have anything...so this is why she is like this.
in your case, actions speak louder than words...
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
25 Mar 08
yes, the words aren't listened to...i think a break from her will help me not build up anymore resentment at least...
@Grandmaof2 (7579)
• Canada
24 Mar 08
In my opinion there are lots of people using the handicapped signs who shouldn't be because they are caregivers for a handicapped person. Unfortunately there seems to be nothing done. Because we're not traffic cops or authorized ticket issuers people think there's nothing we can do. Wrong. When I see this I do confront people on their lousy behaviors but I do it calmly not to make me look like the a?? but I do it where others are aware. Make the ol' girl feel embarrassed maybe thst's what she needs. I am in very bad need of a sign and that is why I have one but when I go somewhere with my husband he drops me off right at the door than parks away leaving the handicapped spots for others, so this really rattles my cage when ignorant people do this. How would she feel if someone did that to her ? People don't always think ahead. Thank You for being a very considerate person. People like me love people like you. Take Care my friend.
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
24 Mar 08
this is why it irks me too...i do see other people do it all the time...your husband sounds super considerate...some places have an abundance of the spaces, but others like our church only have 2-3 and obviously a lot more people who would need it! If I catch her doing it again maybe i will offer to move her car for her, lol. She just doesn't get the point - and you're right, it's sadly not enforced! Thanks for sharing :)
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@vera5d (4005)
• United States
25 Mar 08
thankfully my husband and i are in agreement over her behavior...he doesn't "take sides" but tries to help me deal with it as well as he can...he completely understands my need to distance myself from her for awhile.
@whittby (3072)
• United States
24 Mar 08
Well avoidance seems to be the easiest way out right now for you. You obviously need a break. If you have it in you later on, you may have to call her out on each and every one of things when you are with her - leave the restaurant or table whens she starts stealing, tell her you won't get in the car with her because of her illegal parking sticker. She sounds like she employs all the passive-aggressive and outright aggressive manipulations she can come up with too. Wow. How do you deal with your child being around her - can you explain about this horrible behavior so it's seen as wrong?
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
25 Mar 08
i tell my son things like "we're not going to do what she's doing...we're going to do this..." for the most part i don't think he really notices what she does - she is pretty darn sneaky...we notice it because when we're with her she'll do or say something to us like she's proud of screwing over others. like "look at this, i got extras"...i can't really control what she does, just what i do...so i think staying away from her for now is a good way to stay sane :) thanks for the response!
@SusanShayAvon (1003)
• United States
24 Mar 08
My boyfriends mother is annoying too. But if you say anything then they make you feel bad and mean. My boyfriends mom lives on my property and walks in whenever she wants. One night we were going at it and I got off and so did he and I look up and she was standing in the hallway watching. How long had she been standing there????
@gavsmomjamie (319)
• United States
24 Mar 08
Wow! She does sound hard to deal with but hang in there! It sounds a little to crazy to me, did you ever just ask why she acts the way she does?
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
24 Mar 08
We have asked her and she gets into the whole "what? what do you mean? There's nothing wrong with doing xyz. You're crazy" Then we explain to her why it's wrong and she starts crying "why do you hate me? why are you being this way?" She is like a toddler.
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@jenniferrenee (40)
• United States
24 Mar 08
Since she obviously doesn't "get it" even with direct confrontation, it is probably best to distance yourself for a time. Not only is she causing you and your husband frustration, but she is also setting a horrible example for your children. Also if you are at a store with her and she shoplifts, you may be arrested as an accomplice!
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
25 Mar 08
very good point...today someone told me "you can't control other's behavior, you can only control your own behavior" so I'm going to apply that theory here :)
thanks for the response!
