I really need help with my relationship and haven't shared this a lot.
By TriciaW
@TriciaW (2441)
United States
March 31, 2008 6:49am CST
First let me say I am living with my exhusband and have been for some time. We were supposed to get married but I called it off. So here is the issue. Right before Christmas we went to the bar where we all had a wonderful time. When we got home there was an issue with our daughters and things really got out of hand. He ended up putting his hand around my throat with my girls in the room. I was so angry and left that night with the girls for a while till I was sure he was sleeping. The next day we had to go to his mom's for Xmas but I only took my girls and left him home to get there on his own. His family now knows what happened. The following day we were to leave for my family's Xmas and since he had not attempted to appologize I left him home. I then ended up the next week taking all his things out of my room and putting them in another room. I still find myself very angry. He has told me he is sorry, he has told me it won't ever happen again. Yet still after 3 months he is not in my bedroom and I can not forgive. This past weekend he kept coming up to me and hugging me and telling me he loves me. I could not respond back to him. It isn't that I hate him. I do love him in a way but I am not one to let things like this go. I know there is more I could tell you but don't want you to have to read all day. What do you think I should do? Am I wrong for not forgetting and holding onto this? Your opinions really do matter to me so be honest.
23 people like this
51 responses
@stuffyouneed (57)
• United States
31 Mar 08
Tricia,
I have no idea who you are, or what you look like, or whether you are a calm cool and collected, or an explosive lunatic.....But I do know that no matter who you are or what you are you DO NOT need to be strangled in front of your kids.
It has been said that there is someone for everyone, and I can say from what I just read, this guy is not the one for you.
If you havent forgiven him after 3 months, you probably never will, cut your losses and get on with your life. Unless of course you think he is a psycho and is going to hunt you down if you leave him,,,,,if so proceed with caution, but find a way to get away, for your sake and your kids sake.
just my opinion.
1 person likes this
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
31 Mar 08
I think you are right in all you say. The hardest part about getting away is the fact that my children don't want to leave this school and housing is very short in this area. I did ask him to leave but he won't. Kick him out of my room was the most I could do at this point. Funny thing I used to help battered women and I would have told me to leave it was one of my clients.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
3 Apr 08
no you are not wrong and get out of that situation he is your typical wife abuser and goes right into the profile he will do it again and again and then beg for forgiveness and do it again and eventually if you do not leave him he will try to kill yu so get out of that situation as fast as possible you know something is not right trust your instincts get out of that situation at once.
1 person likes this
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
31 Mar 08
He put his hands around your throat! There are some things there I wonder about; how long did he keep them there and hor rough was he with you? But it doesn't matter, when a man does that to you it is unforgivable! And you daughters had to witness it! That just shows that he is not considerate of you or them.
I'm not speaking from experience, but they ALWAYS say "it won't happen again," and sometimes it doesn't. But usually it does. Once a man because abusive in any way he is just a ticking bomb. You don't know when, or if, they are going to go off again. But if they do you know it won't be good.
@roniroxas (10560)
• Philippines
31 Mar 08
i agree with lily, i've been in a abusive relationship with my husband. everytime he does something it alwasy ends up saying he is sorry and promising that he wont do it again. and that promise was broken again and again.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
31 Mar 08
Well I'm glad you hit him, with anything you had! It's lucky that you had the courage to fight back, who knows how far it would have escalated if you didn't.
This might be hard for you to hear, but if you stay with him, and trust that he won't do it again. You might be proven very, painfully wrong. And what's worse...there is NOTHING that would stop him from harming your daughters :( A man who is abusive will not just stop with a spouse. They are violent people, and they will attack anyone who sets them off.
You should stay away from him, for your sake, and for you daughters sake. I am so sorry you all have to go through this. And I really believe you have the courage to leave him.
@cmofi123 (344)
• United States
1 Apr 08
I have never been in a abusive relationship, but the hitting with the box LOL, I'm still laughing about that.
All I can say, my mother was in a abusive relationship for years and she stayed just because of the kids. After that she got with my dad and the same thing happened, she was getting abuse by him and I will witness all of that at first it will hurt me and I will cry but as I got bigger I noticed, that later she will hit me just because she got beat up my dad. After I notice the pattern I didn't care anymore about her and I use to go to the restroom or to the room when my dad use to hit her.Now when I think about it I always have that concept about men, that they are abusers and I always picture myself in a abusive relationship.
Don't do it for you, do it for your daughter you have to get out of that relationship.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
31 Mar 08
oh hon, that is how it starts. my ex did that for years and then it was me that he was trying to break. he always felt real bad after and promised that it would never happen again. it often did not for a long time but it did always happen again and each time it got worse and worse and my esteem got lower and lower. i got out and so should you. it is not good for the kid's and it is not good for you.
@viewpoint (137)
• Philippines
3 Apr 08
I have learned that once a man hurts you one time and you just let it pass, it can happen again and again. You are not wrong for not forgetting. Yes, you may accept the apology, but in my opinion, it would be better to just call it off for good. Love yourself.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
16 Apr 08
If you forgive him, you are only putting yourself in danger. You have said yourself that he physically abused you. He put his hands around your throat. You need to get out NOW!!! Take your kids and run as far away from him as possible.
@Darkwing (21583)
•
31 Mar 08
Right... there are a few things more I need to understand before I can think about this. You say you've been living with your ex-husbandfor some time. So from that, I conclude that you have been married to and living with him before? Might I ask how long the marriage lasted and why you ended it please? Also, you say you were supposed to get married but you called it off... I take this to mean that this incident was the reason for calling it off. Would I be right in my assumption? Finally, how old are your daughters that they could be the cause of a really traumatic incident?
I look forward to your responses, and will follow up with my thoughts on this, if that's ok with you. It's difficult to respond on an instant thought about him grabbing you by the throat. It needs thinking about and the whole set of facts considered. (Sorry, my Libran trait makes me consider both sides and circumstances). 
Brightest Blessings.
Brightest Blessings. @roniroxas (10560)
• Philippines
31 Mar 08
like what i said up there to lily, my husband is an abusive man.... but i only figure it out when we had kids already. he says sorry and promise not to do it again.... so i gave him a chance not just once but i think a hundred times more. we left him. i bring along my children.
her is an advice from me, forgive him... if you feel like forgiving. dont force yourself to forgive if you dont feel to forgive him yet.
give him another chance please one chance only. if this happens again then i think it is time to leave. i gave my (ex) husband so many chances that now as thinking of it its only waste of time. give him a chance if he blew it again atleast you will know if he knows to keep a promise or not.
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
2 Apr 08
I am so sorry this happened to you in the first place. In the second place once an abuser always an abuser. I would get him out of the house ASAP or leave yourself. He needs help! No matter what was said on both sides it is not alright for anyone to hit/scratch or lay a hand on another person.
I grew up being abused by my parents. I knew it was wrong but I could not do anything about it. I told myself I would not put up with ever again. I have never been put in that situation again.
What is it showing your daughters by staying in the relationship? It is showing them it is OK to abuse and stay in the relationship. I know you are not sleeping with him but he is in the house.
There has to be a reason he is your EX I think you need to really think long and hard about getting away from him. What he gets mad at you or on of the girls and cannot stop until he kills one of you?
Please get help.
@snowy22315 (180366)
• United States
24 May 08
Tricia,
I don't think you should consider going back with him unless he can get his anger under control. I would tell him to seek anger management classes or therapy and don't go back with him until a therapist says he is not a risk.
That is a scary situation and you don't want to take chances that he is going to fly off the handle and take you out. Plus it doesn't sound like you're that sure of your feelings for him. Remember you're an example for your kids.
@radairc (98)
• United States
31 Mar 08
As a former battered wife, I can tell you that all the apologies in the world and promises that it wont happen again mean very little when they get angry. Has he ever hit you? The hand around the throat is a very pointed indicator that he's willing to lay hands on you. My ex husband started with light shoving, then progressed to heavy shoving, hands around the throat, then finally to hitting. It is not something you just forgive and forget. I guess counseling might help you two, but only if you are both willing to go and be honest with yourselves and with each other. He may need anger management classes or something.. but at the very least you need to tell him exactly what your fears are, and how you feel.
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
31 Mar 08
No he has never hit me. I did tell him that maybe he says he is sorry now but how can I be sure it won't happen again? He said it won't.. I said how do you know were you planning on doing it this time? He of course said no but still trust is a big thing for me.
@MichaelJay (1100)
•
31 Mar 08
Putting his hands on you in that way in front of the kids is taking matters beyond the pale.
He has crossed a line.
How confident are you that he would not repeat the mistake?
Sounds to me like he has anger management issues and unless you were 100% confident he was getting help with that, AND seeing a positive result, I would keep you and the kids away from him.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, this is from a male perspective.
I was brought up that only a coward and a low-life gets violent with women and kids.
@MoxieNox (54)
•
3 Apr 08
Trust your gut instincts. There's a reason you cannot let this go so it's possible that you still have unresolved feelings about your ex. Don't let guilt come into play and make you waver. Stay strong and stand your ground. Kick his butt to the curb. You'll feel better when you do. Don't let your girls learn that it's ok for men to slap women around cause it's not. Children do carry those memories on throughout their lives like I did. My ex made the mistake of wrapping his hands around my neck, after he promisd me it wouldn't happen again, when he held a sword to my neck. I wasn't going to stick around to see what he would have done to my neck the third time.
I wish you the best of luck and do what you feel is right. Trust your instincts.
~Moxie
@myworkid1987 (755)
• United States
2 Apr 08
you are not wrong for not forgiving him. He put his hands on you and thats a big no no!! lol. But if youve been with him for a long time and know him when he says that it wont happen again and if its the first time i would prolly forgive him. If he seems not to be that type of person. You said things got out of hand. I dont know. But i know most people wouldnt give men a second chance after they put their hands on them.
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
1 Apr 08
You need to get rid of him totally. I don't blame you for not forgiving him and I think that you are totally right in this. He should never have done that to you and especially in front of your girls. They should not grow up to think that it is okay to be with someone who treats them this way.
Bravo to you for your stand and for hitting him. Most women are too terrified to fight back and that just gives them more power!
@idowrite72 (2213)
• United States
2 Apr 08
Any man who loves a woman never puts his hand on her in anger for any reason at any time. He does not deserve to be forgiven and I would be worried that it would happen again and would do what I could to get away from him. If he is going to behave in such a manner over issues with your daughters, what will other issues cause to happen? Obviously, he needs some type of anger management, or something if he feels he needs to put his hands on you to solve anything that is going on between the 2 of you and the worst part being in front of your daughters. You are also teaching them that this is acceptable behavior and that is something that you don't want them to carry with them. They should also be given an explaination from both of you if you expect them to understand what happened and that it won't happen again. BUT again, I would be worried that it will happen again without some type of counselling or something. You are not wrong.
@olivebranch56 (910)
• United States
1 Apr 08
You don't say here why he is your Ex husband, not that it is my business, but is it for the same behavior? If it is then this is a no brainer for me, kick his sorry butt to the curb. If not, then you need to find out what caused this and if you decide to stay, make him stop whatever it was, like too much to drink maybe? It is hard to trust some one esp. after they have hurt you, but he really crossed the line when he chocked you in front of the kids. If you just let him get away with this your girls will think it is ok to let men abuse them, is that what you want for them? They must be shown that there are consequenses when people do wrong. I know you don't want your children in an abusive environment
@Buttercup11 (274)
• Canada
2 Apr 08
I'm so sorry for the situation that you're in. I think that you need to weigh things that us readers don't know - it he generally an angry person? Was this an isolated incident? Are your children old enough to tell you if something happens to them and would they feel safe to do so? I believe that marriage or any long-term relationship is worth fighting for and trying to preserve - barring abuse or habitual cheating etc. I think that you should try to forgive, if only for the sake of your own heart. And if this WAS an isolated incident, I think that you should give him another chance with the clear understanding that if he ever puts his hands on you or the children with anything but love that it's over between you. My best wishes to you.
@amethystmd (11)
• United States
2 Apr 08
Have you told him you are having a hard time forgiving him for putting his hands on your throat? Have you tried couple counseling? My first husband was very abusive and he always said he was sorry, but as the years went on the beatings got worse. Do you want your daughters to grow up seeing this kind of violence in your home. I had a very dear friend murdered by her fiance after he said he would never hit her again, then 3 months after he said that he killed her. I would also check into your local womens shelter. Even though his family knows what he did, they may blame you for it. Always document what has happened even if you do not involve the police. I will pray for your girls and your safety.
anethystmd
