Would you feel guilty if you have to put yuor parent in a nursing home?
By tjades
@tjades (3591)
Jamaica
March 31, 2008 6:44pm CST
I have often contemplated having to do this should it come to that but I really hope I will not have to chose.
One of my fathers main wish during his illness was that he not die in the hospital and that he does not become bedridden. Both his prayers were answered as he died one early morning after sharing a day of heart felt laughing with my mom and siblings the day before. Even though he was sick (he was a heart patient) he did not show any signs of feeling ill as the he moved around, made jokes, laugh and ate heartily the day before he past away. I was living on my own at the time and would have been alerted if there were any signs of him getting ill. It was a bit of a surprise to us when he collapsed and died.
Let me not go on much further without getting to the point. My father just wanted to die at home among his family instead of in a strange place with friends or acquaintances. He got his wish. Thank God. My mom is here with us and so far at age 67 she has no diagnosed complaints. She only complains for a back and knee pain sometimes. Still we cant live without facing the reality that one day things may change and we may have to consider a nursing home as no one is in the position to stay home and do home nursing.
Now I know she would absolutely quiver at the thought of being in a home. We are a close knitt family and its a bit hard to get around the concept. Like my father she has expressed her wish to die at home not be bedridden and lose her independence.
All of this is understandable but tell me.....Would you feel guilty if you had to put your parent in a home? If this is something you can relate to how do you cope?
3 people like this
5 responses
@sherrir101 (3670)
• Malinta, Ohio
1 Apr 08
I am always teasing my mom about putting her in a home and me 'rooming' with her. LOL
I could never put my mom in a home. My mom is 65 with COPD and she does fine by herself. When she gets sick, I go and stay with her until she can take care of herself, then I go home. She is a very independent woman. You said that your mom has very few medical complaints. Don't you think she can take care of herself or do you think that she will be lonely without your dad to keep her company? I know that you said when she can't take care of herself. Who know what will happen down the road. maybe one of you will be in the position to take care of her then. It could be many years down the road.
My mom gave her adult life into raising me and I don't think that I could take it away from her by taking away the independence that she strived so hard to get.
@tjades (3591)
• Jamaica
1 Apr 08
I think I will reread my discussion one more time to see if the idea I tried to bring across is vague.
My mother has absolutely no medical complaints. She only speaks of a knee or back pain and not often at all. She takes no medicine for these.
The idea of ever having to resort to a nursing home came to our attention after a friend who was also very much against the idea ended having to chose that option. It broke her heart to so and it caused us to think how much we can make our plans only to have life force us to the oposite.
My friend had no time to mull this possibility over in her head before she came face to face with it. It is hard for us to accept even though we have time to think about it should the worst come. This is why I posted the discussion trying to find out how others deal with this issue.
My parents have often spoken of not even wanting to reach the stage where they lose their physical independence. We are a close knit family and so it is very hard to think of even facing the task that our friend faced.
I understand the stance you and her mom have taken. It breaks many parents heart when they have to be placed in a home and causes them I think to pass away even faster. Keep on loving and enjoying your time with your mom Sherrir. I have always enjoyed dealing with older folks who are rather independent. They tend to have a certain air of authority about them. (lol)
1 person likes this
@PacificChief (123)
• United States
1 Apr 08
I'm responding from San Francisco,and am a Caregiver,which here is big business.I'm just pointing out the other options.Your love ones can still stay home and have a care-giver fill in the hours needed.
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
1 Apr 08
I know I would feel guilty if I put them both in a home. It's not what we do in our culture. There is always family to take care of the elderly even if it is not immediate family members.
There are five of us siblings in our family so no doubt one of us will take them or either share the duties, possibly. I fore-warned my husband that if it came down to it, I will most likely be the one to take care of my mom being the oldest girl and the one that gets along with her moreso than the other siblings. My dad is easy going and could stay with any one of us, but when it comes to my mom (she's a tough bickie LOL) its most likely she will live with us.
My mom is 60 years and in good health and my Dad is 58 (with Type 2 diabetes) and still working strong. My mom has been retired for some years now. They live on their own in New Zealand but visit with family often.
@tjades (3591)
• Jamaica
1 Apr 08
Good planning by your family Maddy. And its good of you to acknowledge that you would be the best to take care of your mom if needs be due to her temparament. Its also good to know mom is in good health and dad still very active ispite of.
I dont ever wish to see my mom get sick and sometimes we have to get at her to go and relax. She is so used to always having something to do. She's settling nicely with the routine now though as she really realise there is much enjoyment in just resting and enjoying the fruits of her labour. Aside from the regular doctors visits am sure she does not want to have to deal with the doctor so she pays more attention to her diet and do a bit of exercising and gardening sometimes. Its all good now and I just hope it will not change.
I wish all the best for you and family and thanks for sharing.
1 person likes this
@gratitude (181)
• South Africa
1 Apr 08
I have never as yet, had to make that decision myself, but I do however work as a volunteer in a few old age homes. These homes have different sections, being golden years where the resident has their own room but shares the bathrooms etc with other residents. Then there is assisted living, where they too have their own rooms, but they are assisted with cleaning of their rooms and bathing. The frail care section is run almost like a hospital in the sense of so many beds in a ward. Men and women are in separate wings of course. I have dealt with the aged in all three of these sections. A lot of them move in with a lot of anger but soon settle down as they are around people of their own age, and possibly with the same ailment they have. The problem comes in where, families put their elderly parent into these homes and DONT visit on a regular basis! I have heard many of these oldies that do not have family members visit on a regular basis saying "oh my children just threw me away" or "I was a burden to my children" or "my children put me into god's waiting room". The one's that have family visit regularly dont say words like this.
@tjades (3591)
• Jamaica
1 Apr 08
Now that is just sad. My father hated it when he had to spend time in the hospital more over to ever have had to be in a nursing home with family visits. While he was in the hospital we had to visit him often. The good thing about it was that a sister worked at the hospital at that time and was able to check up on him even outside of visiting hours.
We would never have the heart to just leave them there like that when we are even against the idea of having to put them there in the first place. My mother's last job was working at a nursing home in Canada and she often speaks of her patients as they shared a good relationship. A group of us went to an old age home once to do volutary work feeding and grooming the residents, listen to their stories and share jokes and so on with them . It was fun but also sad as so many of them told tales of being from very far away and not seeing their children since the day they took them to the home. That was just so sad. Some cried so much while relating their story. That was a government home and is not as homely as a private run home which made it all the harder on them though the staff tried their best.
Thanks for sharing Gratitude and I hope you will never have to make such a decision in the future either. Your work as a volunteer no doubt helps to brighten the lives of some of those residents.(lol)
@Breath (1297)
• United States
1 Apr 08
I have lived through that same question your living through now.My grandmother raised me and of course was older.I ended up trying to care for her my self while she had cancer.Everyday it became harder on me because she got where she could not get out fo bed hardly even with my help.I was pregnate and also at the same time was trying to care for my young infant daughter and infant nephew.It was hard but I loved her so much and still tried to keep her home with me as long as I could.No one in the family would come and help me with her.My husband helped me some when he was home from work.It was so hard because I was so sick with being pregnate and had to go to the hospital throughout my pregancy.Plus like I said already had two children to take care of here at home plus my house work...ect...I was at the end and cried and became depressed.I knew in my heart the nursing home was the only answer left for me.I talked to my grandmother about going to the nursing home.(mom)I always called her mom and she knew I was sick and said she would go but didn't want to go.I cried and held her and she cried and held me.This was the woman who raised me and took care of me growing up and now I couldn't do the same for her.It broke my heart beyond words.I knew she didn't have long left to live with having cancer.I just set and rocked her in my arms that last night we had togeather before we took her to the nursing home the next morning.I was only 23 and never had been far from my grandmothers side.I lived with her and when i got married she came and lived with me shortly after the fact.We had never been apart and I knew she never wanted to live at the nursing home.In the end she lived maybe 6 months after she went to the nursing home.We did talk everyday on the phone and I saw her sometimes 3 days a week.I did get to tell her I loved her jsut a few days before she passed away.Sometimes life is so hard.Right now before your mom gets so sick treasure your time with her and talk to her about the nursing home and make peace with it before it happens.Thats the only advice i can give.Be honest and tell her if it comes down to the nursing home in later years you might have to put her in for family reasons.It takes time to heal.Best of luck.Hugs
@tjades (3591)
• Jamaica
1 Apr 08
Hi Breath. That is a beautiful and touching story. I can relate a bit to how you felt in that circumstance. My grandmother also had cancer in her later years and it was not easy caring for her or watch her waste away.
My mother spent most of her time taking care of her until the other sisters and family members arrived from overseas then they took turns. It really wasnt easy and must have been harder on you being pregnant and taking care of a daughter and nephew plus running the home.
Sometimes life throws us lemon and we have to make the best lemonade possible. I am happy your grandmother made peace with it thus helping you to make some peace with a difficult dicision as well.
We do enjoy our time as together as a family and really hope and pray to never have to chose to part.
