Poo Or Get Off The Pot...

I divorced and I started the proceedings immediately as soon as I knew my marriage was over. I saw no reason to carry it on. I was not going to change my mind. Separation to me is for people who think that they might want to get back together at a later point, I knew that I never would.

I think that unless a separation includes counseling with the intent to save the marriage, then there is no point in waiting for the divorce. My ex wanted to be separated, yet live together. His reasoning was that he wanted to be separated so he could continue to see this "girl" that he was cheating on me with. And then if it didn't work out with her, or in his words, in case he changed his mind, we could get back together and not have to re-marry. Well I said "F" that and told him to move out. Our divorce was final 5 months later. Usually in these situations, one person still has feelings for the other, but they know that you can't make someone love you. Staying separated just prolongs the pain. I think it's best to divorce ASAP and move on with your life. If things change, there's no saying that you can't get re-married, although that rarely happens. I have one ex that I would consider getting back together with. I don't think I'd remarry him though. Actually, I don't think I'll ever marry anyone again.

Oh my gosh, you brought up some great memories for me. My grandmother always said "SH!T or get off the pot" and I love saying that :) But, in answer to your question, I'm not going to wait around. I filed for divorce within weeks of kicking my husband out. It took less than a year and we were done! There are actually a lot of legal ramifications to not getting divorced right away. My brother did not divorce from his first wife for many years. In the meantime, she had had another child with someone else. LEGALLY, my brother was responsible for that child and if she had wanted to, she could have gone after him for child support.

You said "I separated from my first husband and waited 24 years before I got a divorce " Wow!! How could you wait so long. Did you not think that was an awfully long time stay just separated? Or did he still support you even although you were separated?

This is a hard question to answer without having been through it. It would depend on a number of things such as the reason for the break up in the first place, whose idea it was, whether there was any abuse or infidelity involved or just that elusive "incompatibility". Sometimes there are practical reasons to put off getting a divorce, such as if one spouse is covered by the other's health insurance. That can be a huge deal if there's a preexisting condition which would make it virtually impossible for the covered spouse to get coverage on his or her own. My brother and his wife split up, put of divorcing for about five years, moved back in together a few months after divorcing and remarried several years later. I'm not sure if I could ever do that or not but I've never been through it so who knows? Annie

If the relationship really was beyond repair, then I'd be wanting a divorce to happen pretty quickly. Get all the yucky stuff out of the way and start living again. Why hang on when you know there's no chance of going back? Why drag the pain out for longer than necessary?

I know of a couple where they were all ooey-gooey with each other during their courtship but the wife (who, though not diagnosed as such, is probably bi-polar) became dissatisfied with her husband because she had the idea that the hotel where they spent their honeymoon night was a dump based on the fact that one of the other guests put the make on her. She decided that her new husband must have picked a cheap place since there was trash like that staying there, too. It was just an average hotel--neither a dump nor The Ritz and something that her young husband could afford at the time--but she got this idea in her head and couldn't shake it. Although they had some good times, I think that, in her eyes, the marriage began to go downhill from this point on. She just had an unrealistic view of marriage, I believe--like some kind of Cinderella syndrome. She was always talking divorce, and her husband was always trying to make things work. They did separate once but couldn't afford a divorce, so they got back together. By the time they were senior citizens, she had disowned their only child (a daughter) over some trivial thing that she decided showed disloyalty. The husband found ways to sneak around and spend time with their daughter who was the light of his life. Then, as a senior, he got too disabled to get around on his own, so he was pretty well trapped with his wife until he talked it over with his doctor. His doctor prescribed assisted living care to him--like in this private nursing home in a family's house--and he had several months of freedom. His daughter and her partner would pick him up and take him to their house to spend the entire day visiting and swimming in their pool. He had several really happy months before he passed away. His widow is still an angry and bitter woman with major health problems. I think that it would have been better if that couple had divorced a long time ago--certainly would have been better for the husband. I think that there are many reasons why people wait so long to get a divorce. For one thing, they want to be sure. For another thing, they have one or more kids to consider and don't want them growing up in a broken home. I know a couple (still married) where I believe that the wife was pushed into a marriage that she really didn't want to go into. The guy seemed like such a good catch (and he was--but, if you're not in love with a particular good catch, he's no good catch for you!) that her family was telling her that she couldn't have done any better (I think she could have--and, for that matter, she really didn't have to get married at all.). I think that poor woman convinced herself that there must be something wrong with her for her not to be head-over-heels with a guy like that. So, she went through all of the motions (the beautiful wedding, the honeymoon, the first home), but, about six weeks later, she told her new husband: "This marriage is a mistake. We should have never gotten married." Her husband didn't have a clue of what was going on inside of her and just thought that they were having the usual new couple adjustment problems. He reminded her that they had made their vows before God, so they needed to work together to make things work. They both tried. Then, he got a call from his wife's place of employment that she was acting strange. The wife was soon given a label for her strange behavior: Schizophrenia. This diagnosis seems to be a neat, little catch-word for any sort of mental illness that can't easily be explained. She has been Schizophrenic ever since in that she's in her seventies now and still takes pills for it. In my opinion, she'd simply had a major nervous breakdown from being trapped in a marriage with no way out. The husband also went through a phase of less serious mental problems. They did become parents (I won't say how many kids or their genders), so that was something good out of their marriage. And they've had some good times together doing things they both enjoy doing such as traveling, watching movies, and getting together with friends for an evening of parlor games such as cards, Monopoly, etc. But both could have done better had they ended their marriage. Some of the stress of marriage was taken off when the husband found employment that had him staying away from home and only coming home for visits. On visits home, he and his wife would sleep separately and, basically, live like roommates instead of a married couple. I think that they wanted to be an intact couple for the sake of the kids. Now, they're too old to get a divorce, so they just kinda make the best of it and realize that true love and romance just won't be part of their lives but, at least, they have somebody decent to grow old with. So, there are all kinds of situations. In the last case, the wife once stayed away for about six months, and the husband thought that she would probably file for divorce, but he left it up to her. Instead, she returned to him, so on they went... Perhaps, she could have gone about things better, but I have no quarrel whatsoever with Jennifer Wilbanks (the runaway bride) because she could have gone through with her marriage to John, and it would have probably ended up like the couple I mentioned last. As it is, John has now gone on and gotten married to somebody else who loves him like he deserves to be loved. Jennifer did him a favor by not going on with expectations and ending up having both of them living a lie.

I'm not sure. i think i would have to ewait until I knew that I could get out peacefully and make it on my own. I would like to get it over with and move on also but I would have to know for sure that I would be able to make it too. It was an abusive relationship, then I would leave quicker, regardless.

Well when i separated from my ex husband of 38 years,i would have Never got a divorce..He put in for a divorce right away to threaten me,he thought this would make me come back to him,it didn't work,so he waited 2 more years,and finally his attorney told him IF he did not get that divorce soon that he would loose his money, so he go did ,but really did not want to but he did not want to lose his money...Anyway he ended up getting married to a nice woman but really really ugly, and he never loved her,because i ask him why he got married..He said he just did not want to be by himself...He never was happy, but all i can say is he should have treated me better...I loved him when i left him and would never divorced him..He got killed Sept 22,2007,and i loved him then and i still love him but he just did not treat me right or good....I seiously doubt that i will ever love again...I have remarried but its more for companionship,this man is really good to me..I wish i could love him like i did my first husband...I care for him and he is good to me,butfire and love will never happen to me again i am afraid...I married my first husband at 15 and that was my great love....

Wow! 24 years! I divorced my first husband in a couple of months. I wanted to just get it over with and move on. It did not matter to me if I was involved or wanted to be involved with another person. Why prolong the agony? Now my son has been separated from his wife for a couple of years now. Says he doesnt have the money. Now he is expecting a child with another woman. I'm old fashioned and this doesnt sit well with me. But it is his problem not mine. I just cant believe that you were able to wait so long. Each to his own I guess.

Another reason ppl don't divorce soon after seperating is neither one can afford to hire lawyers as in my case. Hubby left, we were seperated for several months cause we didn't have the money to file and for lawyers. Well, when we finally did, shelled out over 3 grand between us only to end up stopping it and working things out. If the divorce ended up finalized, I would never of remarried anyone. A g/f of mine left her hubby but couldn't afford to even file for a divorce. Couple years later, her hubby finally started the proceedings and she was forced to sell off some property in order to pay her lawyer. Good thing she had a lawyer, thou, cause her hubby tried screwing her out of alot of stuff that was hers b4 they even met.

I have more experience than I care to admit with the topic of discussion, twoey. Having gone through 3 divorces, and one remarriage(that didn't work), I must say the quick divorce is the best option. I did so the first two times, but it took several years before I divorced the third time. I think the fact that we were separated by lots of miles entered into that decision. My belief is that it only agitates hard feelings when you remain linked to someone you no longer have a loving relationship with.

Wow! 24 years separated without a divorce. Not me, I believe that divorce should be fast so people can move on with their lives.

hi twoey'-the one thing iwould never do id get remarried to someone whom i/he had divorced-my ex husband and i had a bitter divorce i divorced him as he found someone else,and have never looked back-i now have a partner whom i love and vice versa but don't think either of us would marry as we have both been hurt badly in our previous marriages-littleowl

this is my first marriage but my husbands second marriage...and he only filed for divorce a couple yrs after we'd been together..If my husband and I were to divorce I dont know if I'd want a rush job on the divorce or if I'd wait really..I guess it would depend on a few things like whether or not the seperation was a smooth on or a rocky one...if it was rocky I'd want to get it done quick I imagine and he probably would too..if it was smooth I think we'd both be fine just taking our time..

I didnt wait at all got it over with and went on with my life if ya left him it was for a reason that couldnt be satisfied so why wait around very long!

I waited 2 years myself. I got tired of being married to someone that lived with his ex wife. So i wanted to move on. He said he would pay for half of it which he didn't. So i went ahead and did it to get it over with and out of the way. You would think he would have paid me back at least some of it. Of course I divorced him in March of 2006.The funny thing is we got marrried in 2004 the same day before our divorce. I am glad I divorced him I hated having a last name of someone I wasn't living with anymore.

I separated from my 1st husband and went on with my life,but I did not get a divorce until I decided to get married again.I think I used it as a excused not to rush into a marriage again.I could always fall back on it and say I am not divorced, if I had doubts.

I have been separated and divorced once before. It was a year after I left that the divorce was final. I had to pay for the whole thing myself because he refused to help. No, I would not remarry him. If I were to separate from my husband now, I don't know how long we would wait to see about divorce. I also don't know if I would marry him again. It all depends on the circumstances. Hopefully I will never have to make either of those decisions.

I have been married once and it did not work out, I tried to make it work but he was not willing to help. This was a seven year marriage that went down the drain. But all women must know it's not our duty to change a man,God created man so he is the only one who can change them. I look at it like this god will send you someone who is worthy of your attention, wisdom and strength. I learn to provide guidance without manipulation.