Is it fair for a mother to do this?
By cream97
@cream97 (29086)
United States
April 20, 2008 10:04am CST
My Mother-in-law talks junk about her own daughter to me. I get so tired of this. Her daughter is like a real sister to me. We are sister-in-law's. We get along great with each other. Let me tell you what my Mother-in-law will do. She once told me not to open the door for her daughter when she gets home. Her daughter is no criminal. She just treats her like she is one. I can't stand to be around my Mother-in-law while she spreads gossip or say mean things about her own daughter. She even told me once that her daughter did not do anything with her life and that she was proud of me more. That is insulting to put her daughter down when she did not live up to her mother's expectations? Should any mother put her daughter down for any reason?
11 people like this
38 responses
@rhettaa (213)
• United States
24 Apr 08
No, it's not fair for your mother-in-law to do this. It's probably best just to mildly repeat that you like your sister-in-law and change the subject. Or say, "i'm sorry you feel that way," and change the subject. Then, when she's not talking about her daughter, you could slip something positive about her into the conversation in passing That might help. At least, it might make you feel better.
1 person likes this
@faith210 (11224)
• Philippines
21 Apr 08
Hi cream97! I guess your mother in law has so much bitterness towards her daughter. However, it is not right to just talk trash about someone else behind their back especially coming from a mother to her child. I guess, she does not know what being a mother really is. Nevertheless, I know it is very difficult for you to be caught in the middle of this. Try to be smart dear friend. Don't step on her shoes or she will be doing the same thing to you. If she can do it on her own flesh and blood, she can always do it to you at a snap of a finger. Just my thoughts dear friend. Take care and have a nice day!
@itsmepinky (1300)
• India
20 Apr 08
I dont think any mother who loves her kids will treat their daughter like the way your MIL is doing. One thing is very clear , she doesn't rally like her own daughter. Maybe she has different perceptions about her and you have different perceptions about her. Whatever it is , just tell her very poilitely to stop talking in this manner as u dont really like it. If she doesn't then u probably have no other option but to ignore her.
~Pinks~
@duckling (33)
• China
21 Apr 08
I quite agree with your opinion. I think that mother should realise that all she has done may destroy the relationship with her daughter. She should be understandingly treat her daughter with the right way .
@sophiasmom911 (1345)
• United States
20 Apr 08
I dont think its really right to put your daughter down. THey may have diffrences, and she may not agree with things shes doing or have done. But it doesnt have to be vocalized everyday either. I wish I had some advice for you on this. Does she not have anyone else to talk to? Because if not thats probally why your getting the wrath of this.
@cream97 (29086)
• United States
20 Apr 08
Actually she dosen't. Her husband works all the time and he hardly talks to her, from what I have seen. I guess I am like her target. But what I don't get is, why me? I mean, me and her daughter get along, so why would she even try to attempt to talk about her around me. It is not like I am going to join in with her on the negative feedback. Kind of strange, huh?
@sophiasmom911 (1345)
• United States
20 Apr 08
yea that completely sucks that your stuck with it. But what I would do is in the nicest way say I love the realationship that we have but it hurts me that you talk like that about my sister all the time. Could you please work on TRYING to not do this anymore. I think its nice. she might be mad at first but tell your husband thats what your going to to do and if he agrees. I think it will pass;
@cjgrooms (4456)
• United States
20 Apr 08
I have 2 daughters. They may have made mistakes in their life but then so have i (and some of mine have been a lot worse than any thing they ever thought about doing). I hope i would NEVER say bad things about either of them. It sounds like your m-i-l has issues of her own. I would just tell her that i couldn't listen to this hatefulness anymore and if she keeps it up make yourself unavailable.
@deebomb (15304)
• United States
20 Apr 08
If you like your sister-in-law why would you listen to your mother-in-law put her down or say ugly things about her? You can just walk away if she won't listen to you telling her to stop. Just get up and leave. She can't say any thing if your not there listening.
@sophiasmom911 (1345)
• United States
20 Apr 08
Yeh I think I would have to agree in a way I would let it go through one ear and out the other.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
23 Apr 08
I understand how you feel....because my father-in-law is always putting my husband down and saying mean things about him. At first, I thought it was just parental worry about a child.....but when it got to the extent of him asking me to divorce my husband to teach him a lesson, I realized this wasn't what I thought.
Mine is an arranged marriage and my father-in-law thought I could get my husband to do everything that he couldn't. Needless to say, my father-in-law and husband do not get along well with each other.
But I felt it was so demeaning to do that about his own son...and first born at that. And when he saw that I wasn't falling into his trap of teaching my husband a lesson (his way), he diowned me too...and now he doesn't talk to me at all.
Some people are just wierd!
@sweetgirl_k1 (3972)
• United States
21 Apr 08
That is so mean. I don't think a parent should put any child down. Have you tried telling her that it bothers you when she talks about her daughter like that to you? I would tell her and maybe she'll stop saying all those mean things about her own daughter. It's nice that she says nice things to you and about you but she should say those things about her daughter too. My mother in law doesn't put my sister in law down even though she isn't happy with everything she's doing with her life right now.
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
22 Apr 08
No mother should put down her daughter. We all have different talents and just because a daughter is not as attractive, does not shine socially as much, or whatever is not reason for a mother to belittle her. Her daughter may have lost her self-respect from what her mother said. I hope you get around to tell your mother-in-law that the reason her daughter is not as good as because of how she is treating her. Tell her to praise when she does good and take no notice of her mistakes. That would help.
@ladym33 (10979)
• United States
27 Apr 08
Perhaps your Mother In Laws intent is more to have someone to vent her frustrations about daughter with, rather than gossiping about her daughter. Obviously your Mother in Law feels close enough to confide in you. Sometimes Mother's need to talk about their children, when they are frustrated and don't know what to do, and they just really need to talk about it with someone. Feel honored that your Mother In Law considers you a confidant. If you don't want this role, out of respect for your Sister you can always kindly say so, or you can try to turn the negative conversations in to more positive ones, by pointing out good things about your Sister in Law to her Mother. Most likely she is speaking out of love and concern and not to be insulting.
@DaddyOfTheRose (2934)
• United States
21 Apr 08
A mother is responsible for offering their children unconditional love and support. Agreement with all of a daughter's life choices is a different matter. One should still love and support their daughter.
Look at your mother in law. Look her in the eye. Say "this sounds like gossip." Reinforce, "I don't gossip. I don't say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to their face."
I guess that is easier to say than do. Best wishes to you for this one.
@cream97 (29086)
• United States
21 Apr 08
You are perfectly correct. No mother has no right to talk behind their own child's back. If she has something to say it should be to her face not to mines. If she does this again, I will let her know straight up. It would be something, if her daughter walked right upon her talking about her like that.
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
21 Apr 08
Your silence gives her permission. The best thing to do is simply tell her that you don't want to participate in her bashing. In the future when she starts in on your SIL leave the room. Essentially you will be using negative Pavlov training on her, eventually she will get it and stop.
One thing to consider, if she is talking negatively about your SIL to you imagine what she is saying about you to others.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
Everyone is different. You yourself have come on here badmouthing your mother in law. Are you so different to her? I would suggest that if you don't like her, stay away from her. It's really simple.
I have 2 daughters one has surpassed my expectations, the other I didn't have any for. She is disappointing as a daughter, mother and sister. She lives her own life and cares about no-one but herself.
You know the saying, you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. You may have married her son but it's up to you as to how much you are involved with other family members. Live and let live. Concentrate on the good relationship you have with your 'sister'.
@mssnow (9484)
• United States
20 Apr 08
No, mothers are supposed to build up a child, even a grown child. Its called unconditional love. You love them and are proud of them no matter what they do. Even if they are ax murderrs mothers should still love their child. They probably wouldn't like what they did but they will always love them. This mother should learn some parenting.
@clrumfelt (5490)
• United States
20 Apr 08
Mothers should not put their children down. A mother's love should be unconditional and she shouldn't reject her child the way your mom-in-law is rejecting her daughter. If I were in your position I think I would counter every bad thing she says about her daughter by saying a good thing about her, and let her know you do not welcome that kind of gossip especially since you and your sister-in-law are friends.
@cream97 (29086)
• United States
20 Apr 08
Thank you so much for bringing this up. Reality check on my end. She has said nasty things about me behind my back and in my face. My mil is capable of anything that her trifling mind can tell her to be. She has done me wrong so many times. If I had a book, it would make national bestseller of The Jealous Mother-in-law. I can't begin to tell you all the awful things she has said to my face. It is a long story. I have no idea what is wrong with her. Now she all of a sudden wants to play Miss goody two shoes. My mil has been ugly to me since the day I have met her son. I have been married to her son for 6 years. This July makes 7 years. I have been through the storm and rain with this woman. I have had nonstop conversations with her, that got me no where. I lost part of my self-esteem. She would compare me to her other daughter. Which we are nothing alike, nor do we look alike. She has made me so sick for so many miserable years. Did you know that I have lived with her for 5 years??? 5 years of mad hell, I will tell you. I am glad that we no longer stay in the same house with each other!!!
@shannonjyl (421)
• Canada
20 Apr 08
i hope your silence is not telling her that you agree with her negative feedback. i think you must tell her that her daughters is a topic that you do not want to discuss with her. in my family we have set a few boundries to keep the peace and it has worked very well. my brother hates my mother but he is not allowed to "bring her up" while i am with him. and in turn i can not give my personal opions about their situation.
