thinking about divorce
By angelface23
@angelface23 (2494)
United States
April 30, 2008 10:58am CST
okay well I am pretty sure about it. I am just trying to get information right now. First of all just let me tell a little bit about the situation. We met three years ago. I left the love of my life for him. I got prego a month into dating him. We decided we would make it work. It was never a love affair. It was never based on love and we were pretty much doing it for the baby. He is a angry person who likes to be in control. I am the total opposite and I don't take being controlled. I guess I have been taking it for three years but now I am done. He was always in and out of work and never really contributed to the bills that he made. He is basically holding me back. We had to move in with my grandma cause his lack of work left us unable to pay the rent and bills. We have been there for 4 months. I just got a really great sales job and I am still at the Coroner's office. Ever since I started he always fights with me about the job and last night he said for the past two weeks (when I started new job) that he thinks i'm cheating on him. Yet another way to try to get me to stay, control me. So I am at the point where I need to do what's best for me and my daughter. He has said that if I ever try to leave him he will lie about me to try to get custody of Stephanie. I know this will never work but it's still the fact that he would do that. I wouldnt ever keep him from seeing her. He isn't a violent person or anything but every person has their limits and I am jsut afraid of what he will do when I tell him I'm leaving him. Any advice would be great cause even though this is what I want it is still really hard.
7 people like this
7 responses
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
1 May 08
I believe that you are truly justififed in wanting to get out of the marriage. First of all, you aren't in love with this guy and he isn't trying to be the best husband and father that he can be.
I believe that you know that it is a mistake to have married him and now you have to get out. Tell him as soon as you can and make sure that he knows that you plan to raise the child and that he will be able to be a part of her life.
I would not be alone with him when I tell him if you are afraid of what he will do. I believe that you should tell your grandmother what you plan to do too.
@aseretdd (13730)
• Philippines
2 May 08
You are in a difficult situation... but it is time to make that decision... and to be smart about it... if he threatens to lie just to get custody of your daugther... then make the first move... so that the won't be any room for him to make the lies or that nobody would believe him...
Remember... you are not doing that just for yourself... but for your daughter as well...
Goodluck...
4 people like this
@angelface23 (2494)
• United States
2 May 08
we ended up having a big talk. I told him how I felt he was holding me back. I told him he needs to get help with his anger issues. He says he will go to anger management so I am trying to set that up for him. I just don't think me leaving him is what he needs right now. We will try the therapy and if that doesn't work or he won't go then I'll have to leave.
5 people like this
@jrsmith (292)
• United States
2 May 08
Angelface,I worry about you. I have been in the same situation. My problem was anger turned to physical abuse. Please don't stay long enough for him to hurt you or Stephanie. Also does he act up in front of her? She is at the age that she takes in everything and they don't forget at that age. How is this affecting her now? I am praying for you.
4 people like this
@chillvail (43)
• United States
4 May 08
angel,
why are you setting up the anger management for him? It is his therapy let him take care of it. If it acts helpless than maybe you will stay? I agree that this situation could turn violent. My ex appeared to be the absolute most laid back person in the world and yet the last year of our marriage he ended up choking me twice and the mental and verbal abuse was absolutely terrible. You prove the case that if you aren't in love don't get married even if you are pregnant but you did what you thought was right and now it sounds as if it is time to get out. You have your act together and he doesn't. There is a reason he cannot hold a job. My ex could not either and I relized it is because he defies authority and he is dishonest.
Take him serious when he says he will fight for custody.Most will outright lie in a divorce and he will probably be no exception. Besides if he were to get custody guess who would be paying the child support? You will. My suggestion to you is to first get all your ducks in a row.And while I believe in being completely honest I know what is coming for you in the divorce.Only because I have just gone through it and you will find it shocking in the lengths he will go to if he has an inkling of a chance to get what he wants.
I would first get a mini voice activated tape recorder and absolutely try and get him having his angry outbursts against you or your child or anyone for that matter. If you can prove that he has an anger issue he will not get custody of your daughter. I am not suggesting you egg him on to get him to react but rather you just be prepared when he does.
When you decide to leave ...protect yourself if you feel he will get violent . It sounds as if he has low self esteem and he is very controlling. Play the game for a while longer and take your time. Keep your integrity during the divorce but expect the unexpected. Make sure when you file the divorce papers you have a restraining order included in them. These usually only last for about 3 months so you may have to file another order when it does. Good luck and I wish you safety and much happiness for you and your daughter in the future.
6 people like this
@anniepa (27955)
• United States
23 May 08
I have to admit it concerns me a bit how you did a 180 on us here. You seem to have lost your resolve and have changed from being determined to get your daughter our of that bad atmosphere to planning on setting up anger-management therapy for your husband. I've seen bad things happen after a woman changes her mind like this so that's why it worries me. It's not as if your daughter would be better off if you stayed, it's not like you depend on him financially and it's not like you're madly in love with him by your own admission. It would seem that there are no reasons to stay in this marriage but so many reasons to get out! Your daughter is at the age where she's going to really pick up on things and for her to be exposed to the kind of relationship you have with her father is wrong on so many levels even if he never ends up resorting to violence. She's seeing her father trying to control you and probably not giving you the respect you deserve so she could grow up believing that's what she can expect from a marriage; that isn't what you want for her, is it, Hon? He may try to get custody but then again more often than not that's just a threat many men use to keep their wives with them. Even if he does, chances are very good he will fail and the fact that he hasn't held down a steady job will definitely not go in his favor. I hope things work out well for you and your little girl no matter what you end up deciding to do but I really hope you get away from him before he really hurts one of you. Hugs!
Annie
@snowy22315 (180824)
• United States
19 May 08
Wow, that is a tough situation. Have your tried counseling? If you are afraid of his reaction you could tell him in front of a counselor or in a public place. You could also point out all the ways you have tried to make it work and how you feel that it would be better for all concerned if the two of you weren't together. Good Luck! i don't envy your decision.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
19 May 08
angerlface23 a controller is just a step from an abuser,
so I would if I were you file for divorce and take your
child and go to a relative or a haven for battered women
because statistics show a controller is also usaually an
abuser and you do not want to wait until he hits you in front
of your child.let him bluff he will not get anywhere and you
owe it to your baby to be safe and healthy. You have a job
and you can with some help from relatives take care of yourself
and that precious baby.He cannot support you and is trying
to control you. Make a break while you can. he is playing on the fact that you are afraid of what he might do, and if you feel
that way your gut is probably telling you he is an abuser.
2 people like this
@jrsmith (292)
• United States
1 May 08
Angelface, I am sorry to hear your news, but I am sure that you can make things better for you and Stephanie. I can see from your discussion that you will and do work. Girl go ahead with your life. I am sure you have enough friends that will stand up for you if needed. Who knows maybe the Love of your life still has feelings for you and if not there will be one when the time is right. If ya need to talk message me I have been where you are now.
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
21 May 08
Get out of that situation now! Every nasty remark he says to your daughter is going to leave a scar. She may not even remember these things when she's older, but they will be in her subconscious.
I was in a similar situation. He DID go to anger management, for two months. He claimed his anger problem was solved. Of course, it wasn't.
His hurtful remarks have remained with my two boys to this day, and they are both adults now.
It's not helping you any to stay in this relationship, and it's doing serious damage to your daughter. Get her out of that immediately so she has the chance to grow into a mentally stable adult.
