Adoption to tell or not to tell

Hi, there were a few of us that were adopted and we lived with the idea that Mommy was Mommy and Dad was Dad! Well, I've got to say... I am 55 and I still can't let it go, it hasn't been a smooth ride...Who really has a smooth ride in life, really?? I don't think anyone does. Anyone out there thinking of adobtion? Rule #1 Resign yourself to the fact that you will explain and hide nothing from your child! And if I could I would enforce this rule to the fullest. It has been, is, and always will be a giantic, very sharp thorn in my heart that is just not going nowhere. So, yes, children should be told their history, good or bad, immediately upon the child reaching comprehension levels of say,...(I'm basing this # on my own experience) 8-9. Stay well ~G~

Tell them. Tell them from the moment they become a part of your life. You can use a simple story when they are young. They will memorize it but not grasp the significance of it until later. The day they do understand it, be there to answer their questions. You cannot control the unexpected event of their birth parents reaching out to them as adults. The last thing you want is for them to be ignorant of the truth when that call comes. My brothers are adopted. The issue was kept hush hush by my parents and we were forbidden to speak of it. Fortunately, we kids didn't let that stop us. We talked. They had memories of their former life and they had questions. This was good because one day the phone rang at my now adult brother's homes with a state worker on the other end telling them that their birth parent was "looking for them". If they hadn't been prepared that would have been devastating. It was devastating enough on it's own. Tell them. Lies never stand the test of time and the truth will always surface.

I think the child should be told, and the sooner the better. Why let them grow up without knowing the truth? Wouldn't that leave them in a very untrusting position? I think knowing the truth and the circumstances would help them to adjust better, not having a big surprise when they got older. For health reasons it is important that they would at least have a way to start looking for the birth parents, if they were needed.

Yes they should be told. If I adopted a kid I would even help them find their birth parents if they wanted to. I think he will probably find out eventually so why not tell him sooner?

If I was adopted and my adoptive parents were good to me, I wouldn't want to know the "real" parents. Why? I have never understood why anyone would want to know that info if their adoptive family treated them "like their own". I mean, your "real" parent(s) gave you up for some reason, whether they couldn't afford you or didn't want you - but gave you up just the same. This family raised you and were your "parents" so why insult them by wanting to know "who you are" and finding your "real" parents. If my real parents gave me up cause they couldn't afford me, then I think that was great of them and wouldn't want to throw it back in their faces. If they gave me up cause they didn't want me, then why would they want me now? Why would I want them? I just don't see insulting adoptive parents by saying " you didn't do it for me, so I am finding my real parents" cause basically that is all you would be saying. FOr medical reasons...well, might be a bit of info necessary there, but still...probably not a major issue. Just MHO.

For me, I would tell my kid the truth if he is adopted in the proper time and appropriate age. The kid deserves to know because sooner or later, he might feel inside him that he is longing or looking for someone... It would be better that he knows from his adopted parents than from anybody else...

if i have anb adopted child, or any in the family decides to adopt we will advise them to tell the child that he/she is adopted. i have watched a program about this and the kids knew they were adopted since they were 2 years old but they know that they are loved as well so the parents who adopted them will not have worries about them finding out about the truth later on. if the child decides to go look for his real parents in the end... i guess it will be the child's decision. we wouldnt want him/her to be deprived of the truth.

I believe it depends on the situation but frankly I find that telling as early as the child can understand and take the news is the best. I am adopted myself and I always knew about it. This didn't change anything in my relation with my parents and actually allowed me to feel proud to have been chosen. IT was a special thing. I meant that I was loved not just because there was no choice, but that it was my parents choice to love me. A lot of people think that knowing might be damaging for a small child, but depending on how it is told it shouldn't be. If the child has some emotional problems maybe it will be ok to wait a bit until those problems are more or less resolved, but completely fake the whole thing is the worse possible thing to do. THe thing to remember is that no secret will be a secret forever, and the longer we are not honest and straightforward with the adopted child the more she will resent that, even if she/he knows that she/he is loved.

I think adopted kids should definately be told. Adoption breaks apart the natural family and that is a big thing, even if the child is better off living with a different family. I believe a child NEEDS to be told where they come from biologically and not blantently LIED to. Delibertatly lying is not something you do to someone you love. Lying about adoption only hurts the adopted child and protects the adoptive parent, which is selfish in my opinion. The child didnt ask to be adopted, they need to know the TRUTH about who they are. And i believe that waiting till theyre an adult to terribly tramatic, it needs to start out young. I personally think its kinda sick and sad and morally WRONG that your aunt messed around with legal doc's too and changed the kids own birthday. Its a reason why i'd never give my child up for adoption-there are too many crazy people out there that scew around like that. Its like shes so desprete to prove that another womans biological child is her own. Its her adopted child-accept it and own it. Dont try to pretend its something its not.

My girlfriend is an adopted child and she has another sister who is also adopted from different family and both of them are of different background. She found out she's adopted from her birth certificate. It looked different from the other 2 of her siblings who are the real children. She found out about it when she was 15yrs old and she never asked her dad or mom about it but she knew she's adopted. She saw the adoption certificate and knew a little about her natural birth parents. But in your case, i guess what your aunty is doing is for the kid's best interest. She doesn't want to lose them so she went a step further with a hope that the kids will never find out that they are adopted. But actually, if they are being told that they are adopted kids, it might hurt them and they would feel 'lost' and they'll have thousands of question about who their real parents are and why they were given away. In my opinion, whatever happens after they found out that they are adopted, it actually depends on how they were brought up by your aunt. I'm sure they are treated very well and full of love. They will understand and can understand why they got adopted. But that would take time as they reach maturity age of maybe 21-25yrs. At this age, they could make wise consideration where they'll appreciate what your aunty have done in their life, taking care of them, feeding them, giving enough attention and love. Telling them when they are still young like at the age of 16 and below, they are very rebellious at this stage. So i guess it depends. Whether they knew by chance that they were adopted or they knew from your aunty. Your aunty just have to be prepared to answer if they found out from others that they are adopted. In my girlfriend's case, she never want to know or see her real parents as she loves her foster parents very much just like her real ones. She is grateful for her foster parents to take good care of her from she was 3 months old until this very day.

because ones medical history can be very importanti I would think it wise to tell adopted kids that they were adopted and at a fairly young age so if they want to know about their real parents they can be helped to find out.After all their birth parents medical histories could be really important to a child's future health. If young kids are told at an early age and reassured by their adoptive parents that they are really loved and really special thatit will not be too traumatic as they were so special that their parents picked them out to be their children.

I believe adopted children should be told they are adopted & that they should be told from an age that they can understand (this would differ from child to child, but definetly primary school age I think). They deserve the right to know & have the opportunity to meet their biological family if they want to.

I have a friend that adopted a child, he has always known that he was adopted from the time he was small his parents would tell him how lucky they were to have been blessed with such a wonderful little boy. It was also an open adoption so he met his biological mother and half siblings( and still sees them on family vactions and for special occassions) It was handled in such a way that he did'nt think much about it when he was small and as far as i can tell he dosen't think much about it now. He says "Mom is still Mom,Dad is still Dad and wasn't i lucky to have had a birth mother that loved me enough to make sure that i had not only material things that she couldn't give me (she was very young),but all the extra love from so many people".Oh he is about 22 or so now.

I would want to know early on. I would tell a child he/she was adopted if they were as early as they could handle the truth. I think kids mature at diffrent ages. So what one 8 year old can handle,the other may need a year or to but I could not keep something like this from someone I love regardless.I was always told as a child and on into adult hood by my grandma that "The truth will stand when nothing or none else will." I can also see your aunt's fear of losing her child also. I would always have a fear of the worse happening in my head somewhere. I was also told before "If you love someone or something set it free,if it is yours it will return." I think an adopted child probally would want to know about his birth family, medical issues they face and many other questions. I think they also know who mom and dad are and they aren't going to just walk away from that kind of love and bond.

If you tell them when they are 18 they'll hate you for not telling them, and possibly not talk to you. Why not tell them the real thing? I know some people that were told that they were adopted and they had no problem, but I also know people that weren't told and found out at 18-22 and they weren't very happy. Be honest with your child, how can they be honest to you when you are not honest to them? How can you teach them about things when the most important thing ever is ,,don't lie!''! Be honest!!!