Sharing An Equal Responsibilty In Helping Out Your Parent In Their Old Age....
@SassyKittyKat (2135)
Australia
May 7, 2008 12:28am CST
My mother's health is really bad off and she has been in and out of the hospital in the last few months. First, she had major heart surgery and this last time they found out that she has Congenital Heart Disease and that only half her heart is working, along with other health problems.
For years she has been living with my sister and brother in law. Before this last surgery she worked but since the surgery she has not been able to work. She was just approved for temporary disability at work and she has applied for permanent disabiltiy but they have not made a decision in regards to this as of yet.
My frustration is this, both my sisters and brother in laws make more than my husband and I do. We litterally struggle at times. However, my sisters have lately been having struggles of their own. They don't match ours but they are still struggles in themselves. My husband says he's willing to chip in as much as he can but then like today, when I wanted to buy some groceries for my sister's house (where my mother is staying) he made a little fuss saying we couldn't afford it, which he was right and we had to cut down on groceries for us in order to do it but I know that my sister is struggling as well and I feel it's my mother too and we should contribute and help out a bit as well. Also, the bible says that we should take care of our parents in their old age and being a christian, I take this very seriously, as should my husband because he is also a christian himself. I have to add that I also take my mother to doctors and such when they need me to...
My question is this, is my reasoning unreasonable in regards to helping out my sister, who has the brunt of the care of my mother? Or is my husband right in how he feels?
1 person likes this
7 responses
@katbalu102 (377)
• Philippines
8 May 08
hello sassykittykat,
these are indeed hard times. and i cant believe her permanent disability hasnt been aproved! heart problems are serious cases. in cases like these you and your husband are right. its always a duty or obligation or just a sense of gratitude to a parent that a child should take care of him/her in their old age. thats the way life goes. but your husband is also right, people are in a 'money crisis' you might say, and we have to save every bit of it. i get what your husband was saying. dont you just hate money? lol... i hate it but i need it, that kinda thing? lol... since both your families [you & your sister] are already chipping in on the expenses why not ask for outisde help? like in the church or something of that sort? or maybe hold a garage sale if you guys have anything you want to sell?
i hope everything will turn out okay in the near future for you :) for all of us
@SassyKittyKat (2135)
• Australia
8 May 08
Yeah, I can't believe it hasn't been approved yet either. Hopefully it will be soon though. My sister has been selling some things but honestly I have sold all I can sell in the past when my husband and I needed money. There's not much else to sell really.
Mom just got a check from her temporary disability and she should be getting that Stimulous Tax check soon, so that should help them out a bit. Thanks!
@vaishalik (237)
• India
8 May 08
Yes, she is your mother too. We must always remember that because of our parents we are here. Don't forget their efforts. You can do extra work & spend the money for your mother only.
1 person likes this
@SassyKittyKat (2135)
• Australia
8 May 08
Yes, that's definitely true and my mother has done so much for me growing up as well. So, I think now is my time to pay her back for all of it in a way. However, I still need to consider my relationship above all else because he is my other half and it's not just my life but his as well. Thanks!
@Simoneetah (420)
• Canada
7 May 08
Hi Sassy, I don't think your reasoning is unreasonable and neither is your husbands. It affects everyone and since it is you mother and sister you are going to do what any loving mother and sister would do. It should be a combined effort amongst you and your siblings. Help as much as you can but don't forget about you and your needs.
I can relate to your situation. The only difference is that it is my mother who is struggling to send money for her mother in Jamaica. My grand mother lives with my aunt. My aunt never left the house, pursued a life of her own, or worked even thought she very much wanted too. I have uncles in the USA and England. My mother is Canada and is the only one who sends money and trust me she doesn't have it. I just got involved in finacial services and just settled my mother finances. there is bearly anything to send to Jamaica to my aunt so my grand mother can maintain her health. Now her vision in one eye is gone and she has circulation issues among other things. My mother doesn't let my dad know all the times she sends money because he says that she has siblings who can help too....but they don't.
My sister ended up in a wheel chair 3 years ago that was trials and tribulations all in itself. Now she can't live with us because our house is not accessible and we can't afford to make it accomodating. She lives in a not so great part of town and I am the one who does most of the commuting to help her with gorceries, her hair, getting her dressed, money...etc. My brothers for life of me wouldn't think to ease some of my burden and help out.
Be strong and I wish you all the best.
@SassyKittyKat (2135)
• Australia
7 May 08
I'm sorry about your moms and your situation as well. It's not easy and I'm so happy for your advice. I just wish my husband would be a little bit more understanding in this regard but I know he is worried about us as well. It's a hard place to be in for the both of us really...
@above31rubies (1863)
• United States
7 May 08
Hello my friend. The Bible also says you are to cleave to your husband and respect his authority. I know you know that and that is one reason you feel stuck.
I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.
I wonder if you could instead prepare extra when you make meals for you and your husband to freeze and take over to your sisters house? The only reason I think this could be more cost effective for you is it would allow you to buy in bulk and also prevent you from buying the more expensive convenience things you may have purchased for them. Plus, it helps save your sister time because she doesn't have to prepare it- just un-thaw and cook.
Your sister committed to taking your mother in and all that comes with it. So, you should not feel you have to give more than you reasonably can. Give what you can, yes, but I don't think you should go hungry either. God knows your heart...you know that, too.
1 person likes this
@SassyKittyKat (2135)
• Australia
7 May 08
Yes, I'm torn between the two obligations but my husband should come first because the bible also says you leave your parents and stick to your husband. In any case, I will perhaps maybe invite them all over to eat more and that may work to help out some more. Thanks for your advice!
@MinamiKesh (527)
• Philippines
7 May 08
yeah...it really comes to the point that after our parents give us birth they nurture us until we can stand on our own and time will also come that they needed us most and we as their children must take also the full responsibility in return to show care and love to them....**##
@jam@
~enjoy life~k33p smilin***
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@liuqian (476)
• China
8 May 08
Hello,I wish your problem has been settled down.I know your feelings.Taking care of your parents is not a easy job.you have to work for your own family,which will take most of your energy.But taking care of parents is our responsibility!Your husband maybe right,but you should get his understanding.Or you both can do something else to help your mom,like doing some housework,stay with her more often,talking with her and make her happy.^^
@SassyKittyKat (2135)
• Australia
8 May 08
Yes, that's very true. I have beem taking my mom to the doctor when she needs me to. In fact, tomorrow she has an appointment that I'm taking her too. I also have been spending a lot of time with her and it's actually been really great but I know my sister needs help financially and that makes me stress a lot because I know it shouldn't be all on her.
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
7 May 08
Ack, I typed a longish reply here and did not realize myLot had logged me off. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be. Well my thought was that nobody is right or wrong in a situation like this, but that you might think creatively about whether there is some other way to help out other than giving money...can you help with some housework or contact your church or a social service agency that might have money to give to people with this kind of need?
Would your contribution shelter your taxes? Your sister's? Would money you give lower her deduction? Maybe there is another way. Good luck to you in resolve this issue!
1 person likes this
@SassyKittyKat (2135)
• Australia
7 May 08
Yeah, well, I usually help my sister with my niece and nephew and I take my mom to the doctors sometimes. Still, right now they need help moneywise...Thanks 
