Would you be embarrassed?
By Myrrdin
@Myrrdin (3599)
Canada
May 16, 2008 11:42am CST
for a little background check this discussion http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1518135.aspx
In talks with my exwife I mentioned that perhaps it is best if we use merrymount, a supervised access centre that is for the purpose of allowing non custodial parents to have visits with their children in a supervised setting. This place has a reputation of being used for crack addicts and violent people. My ex flipped out basically stating what an embarrassment it would be to have to go there to see her kid. While I kind of see her point, I am just shocked that she has no embarrassment over her behaviour that landed us in this situation, but is embarrassed about having to go to a place like that. When she stated that it was for crack addicts and violent people I pointed out that she qualifies as a violent person. She did not like being labeled that LOL.
5 people like this
8 responses
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
17 May 08
I read your background discussion about it and to be honest I am surprised that she cares more about what other people (strangers) think of her rather than what her five year old daughter thinks of her. Sounds selfish to me. I think you are doing the right thing for your daughter because it doesn't sound like your ex is trying to. Good Luck!
2 people like this
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
16 May 08
I guess it is different for everyone. I am always so amazed at stories of people who have to go to the police station or other places to exchange kids because of their violent outbreaks...I am very lucky that even though i do not get along with my son's father we are at least able to be civilized to each other.
Perhaps there would be other options available?
I would probably not be embarrased by it but probably wouldn't like it - I've sat in enough child support lines to know I'm not comfortable in those kinds of environments.
2 people like this
@ambkeb (782)
• United States
16 May 08
I just dont understand how a parent can act like that in front of her child. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and dont even like arguing with my husband in front of them. Whether we are loud or not. I dont blame you at for wanting to have her meet with your child in a safe area. I would want to as well.
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
16 May 08
Why are you even having these conversations with your ex? You should leave it up to your lawyers to figure out. That's what they are there for. When things are less emotionally charged, and at least a temporary court order is in place, then at THAT time you might consider going through options with her.
Merrymount is great and perfect for parents who should not see each other (they have hiding out rooms and a staggered drop off and meet up schedule to allow for that), and I'm not sure if that is needed in your case. You and your lawyer can better assess the situation together.
Merrymount also has satellites within London and the surrounding area, where meetings can take place. One of the places is at the OEYC (Ontario Early Years Centre) at Clarke and Dundas. So not all visitations need to take place at the Merrymount facility. Either way, the younger kids tend to love it, because it means they get to meet up with their other parent in a "playgroup" setting, which is a lot of fun for them.
That's her problem that she's embarrassed about the possibility of having to go to a place like Merrymount in order to see her daughter. As you stated, it's her behaviour that landed her in this situation to begin with. She now has to EARN the right to see her daughter again, and that shouldn't be compromised.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
16 May 08
Another thing when using Merrymount is the cost factor. It can be rather steep, especially when you need to get one of their assessment reports for the courts. I know it is your ex who would have to pay the fees, but the money involved is another item to consider.
The intake appointment is interesting. One of the things as a custodial parent that you are asked, is whether or not you agree to the non custodial parent bringing gifts to the child (including food items for a shared snack)... they even give you the option to deny photographs being taken. I think the gifts and pics is going a bit too far in most cases, but I'm sure there are times when it's warranted. You can also allow or deny other people attending the access visits (for example, you could have it as okay for your ex's mom to go with her, but not okay for the boyfriend).
1 person likes this
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
16 May 08
Thats cool information to know CG, thanks. I don't think I'd put many restrictions. The Boyfriend is not an issue as they are court ordered not to be in the same room at the time, and he acted in my daughters best interest as much as possible throughout the entire situation, as crazy as that is.
2 people like this
@AuntieEm721 (53)
• United States
17 May 08
While I understand being protective of your child and that you must make arrangements to that end. Could it be that you are taking a wee bit of pleasure that your ex is in this position? Nothing says "it was all her fault, see I told you so" like her loss of control.
Getting your satisfaction at the expense of your child is really not in the best interests of your child. If that is not your aim, I beg your pardon. But I know I would find nothing to LOL about in this situation. Labeling your ex "like that" is throwing fuel on a banked rage fire. Why do that?
Arranging visitation in an environment as close to normal as possible for your daughter would be the way to go.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
17 May 08
"Getting your satisfaction at the expense of your child is really not in the best interests of your child."
You should read the other thread link and the other responses before making such a statement. Myrrdin is NOT getting ANY satisfaction from the trauma his daughter has endured.
1 person likes this
@AuntieEm721 (53)
• United States
17 May 08
Canadagal, just so you understand. I am not saying he is doing this. And I did beg his pardon if he felt I was and that is not his aim. However, it happens to the best of us that we may slip and use situations like this that arise in a divorce scenario to bolster our OWN position. I am simply offering him the opportunity to look at his own role in keeping the rage fires banked for the sake of his child. It isn't, in my opinion, a good idea to incite the ex further by "labeling" her in any way. The courts will do that. The father's role is to safeguard his child and that may include biting back the occasional obvious remark. I speak for the child, period.
1 person likes this
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
19 May 08
Trust me I take no pleasure in this in any way. I would have rather have left things the way they were with a shared custody. It was best for our daughter and it worked well for us. However once a line is crossed there is no going back. My ex crossed that line. I am not laughing at this situation I am venting. I just can't believe what she has done. Arranging visitation as close to normal would be ideal, but it does need to be supervised as my ex has proven herself violent. I would agree to allow my ex's mother to supervise if I could trust that she would stay there, but as she is convinced my ex did nothing wrong I have no doubt she would be left alone for most of the visit. Since that leaves me supervising, and this would be no good as this would make my ex irate and cause an explosion, the only solution I have for now is a professionally managed supervision centre. Of course in the end its up to the courts and they might perhaps say that her mother is a good choice.
Trust me though none of this was decided lightly.
2 people like this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
23 May 08
Well, I guess nobody likes to be labelled, but she put the shoe on, so she has nobody else to blame but herself. The criminal charges have labelled her whether she likes it or not.
And from what I have read, it seems she is a flight risk with your daughter, which is a very valid concern for you, so, supervised visits is the way to go as far as I am concerned. At least until she has been to therapy and resolved her issues. And therapy won't cure her in one session, it will take some time. She will have to work through her anger issues, the causes, which may have deep roots. Anger management will only give her coping mechanisms, that she can choose to or not to use.
1 person likes this
@fizanali (478)
• Pakistan
17 May 08
Well no matter what you do i think you would still have the feeling of embarrassment if you were to be thought of and called a voilent person who can't even handle his/her kids, cause that's human nature. You only won't feel embarressment if you have no self respect.
1 person likes this
