Would you tell your friend?

The mother-in-law never tells my friend about the kids (in fact they aren't talking to each other). And I don't think the mother-in-law tries to discipline the kids. I know if it was my child, I'd want my friend to tell me and I don't think she will take it in the wrong sense if I do tell her. I'm just wondering if it's the right thing to do.

In that case then yes I would mention it to her. I do believe it is the right thing for you to do :)

I have another 4 hours before she gets home.

I do and I told the mother and she was glad I told because she didn't know.

glad it worked out then

I actually spoke to the boy first and he was sorry for what he did. But I did tell him I will speak to his mother...which I did. And she changed jobs to be home when the kids are so that she could be the one disciplining them (which obviously the grandmother wasn't doing)

The boy is 9 and his mother and I have the same yardstick for behaviour. My friend didn't know about it till I told her (I had even spoken to the boy and his grandma before that and neither of them told her even after I told them I will be talking to her). The boy has power over the grandma because she lets him and that's the way she talks. The grandma lives with them and the mother of the child does not want her son imitating this behaviour....what she believes is that he has to learn to be respectful even when she is irritating him....we grew up that way to respect our elders. She tells him that it's not wrong to put his point of view across (even if it is the opposite of what the grandma has to say) but it should be done in the right way and not by shouting back at her.

I did speak to my friend and she confirmed that her son was changing. She had a talk with him and he has promised to try and change that behaviour of his....but it's tough to break a habit. I'm sure he's trying hard, though.

He isn't a teenager yet. He's only 9. I spoke to the boy and also told his mother later. I had mentioned to the boy that I will be talking to the mother too...so he was aware. I wasn't worried about how my friend would react...it was the other family memebers I was worried about. But I took the risk anyways...because I really like the boy and wouldn't like to see him speak this way to anyone else.

My friend will appreciate it..it's the rest of the family I am worried about....they'll think I'm poking my nose where it's not necessary.

Yes, I know my friend might want me to tell her just as I would like to know if my son did the same thing. The only problem is that the rest of the family might think that I'm poking my nose where it's not needed and that might create a problem for my friend. The issue of the child being rude will be sidetracked and everyone would focus on why I was so bothered about 'their' child.

My friend will take it in the right spirit and she'll be glad I told her but the rest of the family might not. And I'm sure they'll get to know.

SV, I am sure if she is a real friend she would take it in the right spirit. And even if she doesn't I would tell her very decently for my son as well would be at risk of imbibing things which I might not like him to.

The child was rude to the grandmother and she will not tell my friend. My friend will not like the fact that he was rude to anyone (even though she isn't on talking terms with the mother-in-law). In fact, I did ask my son why his friend was shouting at his grandmother but my son seemed to be more interested in hearing what I had to say about the permission bit....which makes me think that the shouting is a regular thing and my son has got used to his friend shouting at his grandmother. I'm sure he would have mentioned it earlier if he felt his friend was wrong. I'll be talking to my son again when he gets back. The mother-in-law is a little wierd but I still think a 9 year old boy shouldn't be disrespectful to his grandmother...he might not agree with her choice but that has to be put across without having to shout at her.

it wasn't shouting to be heard...it was a rude way of shouting back at her when he didn't get his way.

Shouting does seem most inappropriate unless the grandmother is hard of hearing. I know you will make the right decision.

You are right...it will be more effective if the husband talks to his mother....but the problem is he won't. He thinks it's the problem of the ladies to discipline kids and it's for them to sort out the problem with each other. One of the main reasons for the MIL and DIL not getting along is the way the MIL handles the kids. The MIL tries to cover up for the kids instead of getting them to behave and that drives the DIL crazy. She tried explaining to the MIL that she isn't doing the kids a favour by helping them not get into trouble...but the MIL doesn't say a word and does what she wants ...or speaks to others about the DIL. Anyways, I spoke to my friend and told her what happened and that I had talked to her son AND the mother-in-law about the issue...and now it's upto her on how she wants to handle it.

Actually, that was helpful. I know the boy's mother will not get mad at me if I tell her...in fact, she'd appreciate it....but I'm not sure about the rest of the family. I spoke to the boy yesterday and told him that he could always put across his opinion without having to shout at his grandmother. I also spoke to my son and he confirmed that this wasn't the first time he heard the boy speak to his grandma this way. I've told my son that he isn't allowed to go over to play anymore and that his friend can come over to our house instead (he's always very well behaved here....it's only with the grandma that I heard him talk that way...and she tends to shout too...so I'm sure that behaviour was learnt from her...but it still isn't right) I doubt if the grandma will go in for the log idea.....the boy's mother tries to communicate and give the MIL some freedom but it always backfires on her. The fact that the MIL does not discipline and lets the kids do what they want is one thing the daughter in law does not like. I'm going to talk to my friend but don't want to do it over the phone....I'll make the time this week and go over and meet her....before the husband's home and when the MIL goes for a walk.

I hope when you talk to the mom all goes well. from the response it sounds like the MIL lives with them. Do you think that she could talk to her husband and get him to talk to his mom and see if that changes things. sometimes it helps if the child of the parent goes to them but doesn't let on that the spouse asked them to do it. It can be more effective. Especially since I have no clue to the family dynamics or why the MIL and DIL don't get along.

Yes, I did get what you are trying to say. But she's a good friend of mine and will want me to be specific. I'm just waiting for the right time when I can go over and talk to her. She had been worried about the son's behaviour when she started work but we didn't think it would go so far in these few months.

Hi SV, then u know what to do, start as causual and IF she ask u to be specific that u can quote the incident. regardless she and her mother in laws dont have good terms but i still believes elders should be respect Take care

Yes, I believe that elders should be respected no matter what and I'm sure the boy's mother believes it too.

The boy is imitating his grandmother not his mother. And I talked to my son too and told him he can't go to their house if this is the way his best friend talks to his grandma. I talked to my friend and WE talked to the boy and she will be handling it.

Yes, since we had a talk with both the boys, my son is helping him to stop talking to his grandma that way. It's not easy to stop in one day....but with a friend's help it's always easier. When my son was out of his cast after a fracture, no amount of pushing from our side was helping him to walk....but it was this boy who helped my son to start walking...and in one week...our son was running...while we had been trying for 2 weeks to get him to walk and he wasn't.

Its good you talked to your friend. And there is no harm in your friends meeting them as long as he does not pick up their bad habits. I think you can make your children understand that.

I did and she's glad I told.

I spoke to the child after I posted this discussion. It's not the mother who talks to the granny that way. It's the granny herself who speaks that way and the child is doing the same back to her. But it still isn't right.

Yes, that's what I feared....but I also know that the mother would like to know because the mother and grandmother are not on talking terms. But if I did tell, the rest of the family might focus on the fact that it's none of my business to point out their child's mistake...and that might in turn be a problem for my friend. But if I don't tell, she'll never know and will never be able to correct her child....and I don't want that because I've known the child to be a wonderful child and really like him.

It's my friend's mother-in-law and not mother. I'm still thinking....I feel I should be considering what's good for the child than saving myself from trouble. In fact, the child is copying his grandmother's behaviour (she tends to shout too)....the mother is a firm and quiet type...and handles situations with her mother-in-law by putting her point across and leaving it at that....because most often the mother-in-law doesn't react. So, the child couldn't have learnt it from his mother. And I also feel that now the mother isn't at home, the child is being rude and getting away with it because his mother doesn't know...and he's taking advantage of that fact.

Well if the Grandmother and mother are NOT on talking terms, then it appears that the boy is pretty much copying the way he witnesses his mother deal with her own mother! I personally would definitely steer clear of this! It all sounds quite complex now!

I talked to the mother. Even though she doesn't get along with the MIL, she is always respectful. It is the MIL who shouts and throws a fit everytime.

Oh, it's sounds as though the MIL needs to chill a bit. But then who knows what all she's having to deal with that's causing her to be the way she is...there is usually a reason someone acts this way. She is being used to sit for the child, is she being compensated in any way. Even a dinner out once in awhile. Or getting her hair done, anything? She may feel she is being taken advandage of and the child obviously treats her badly on a regular basis. Maybe she's not allowed to disapline him. Who knows....

I actually could tell what the situation was (I heard the whole conversation) and I also asked my son if it was a one time incident and he confirmed it wasn't. So, I spoke to the boy and then his grandma and then his mother. The mother was glad I told her because the grandma hadn't.

I am glad that everything worked out.

This isn't a melt down and I confirmed with my son...this has happened when he was there previously. And I don't think I (or even the child's mother ) will be able to excuse the behaviour as meltdown. I heard everything that went on and know exactly what happened. The grandmother isn't the best person in the world but that doesn't mean that a child can speak to them without respect.I I've spoken to the child about the behaviour and mentioned it to the grandma that I talked to the child too. I know the grandma will not tell the child's mother...so I will tell her. I'm not a stranger and if it was my child behaving this way in my absence I would want to know because I am the best person to correct my child's behaviour. The mother also knows that I will correct her child if it happens at my place...but she knows she can't trust her MIL the same way.

Well, I spoke to my son...and now the boy is trying to change and my son's helping him. I spoke to the mother-in-law...no use. And I did talk to the boy's mother too....and she is worried because though she didn't know of this particular problem, she was already worried about other aspects of his behaviour...and she was glad I told her. I don't go around telling people (even friends) how to raise their child. I tell them there's a problem and make them aware of the problem. How they handle it is their own business and they are the best people to know what works on their child.

If it bothers your son, then encourage your son to say something to his friend. Sometimes what a friend says means a whole lot more/has a bigger impact. saying "hey, i like your grandma, i don't understand why you talk to her that way," or "it bothers me when you are mean to your grandma." Or maybe even by being a good influence by being extra polite. You have heard of kids who get a friend who is more studious than they are and the friend "rubs off on them," etc,. Then let your son rub off on the friend. I still think if you say something to your friend unless you are intimately close, that you will be perceived as telling her "how to parent", she may stop letting your sons play together because she thinks yours is a tattle tale, etc. Or if she knows about the problem, she may get defensive or embarrassed.

I spoke to my son first...and it wasn't just a 'bad day'. It was something that happened all the time...and that's the way he spoke to his grandma (well, she speaks the same way too). I talked to the boy after that. I also mentioned to the grandma that I had spoken to the child....but she brushed it off...and didn't find anything wrong in the behaviour. So, I spoke to the mother...and she didn't even know about the behaviour and the fact that I had spoken to either one of them. She was glad I told her because she wanted to correct the behaviour.

baby sitters are not common in India. The boy didn't tell me anything except that he will try to correct the behaviour. I understand him because I know how irritating the mother-in-law can be...and the boy is reacting the way she does....so can't totally blame him. But the mother expects the boy to be respectful to the grandma even when she is shouting. It's difficult for kids to hold their tongue when they are irritated....but the mother feels that it is our duty as parents to teach them that. The mother-in-law stays with them and the mother can't look at other options as long as she is staying with them.

I'd be interested to know how what the little boy had to say for himself. I was wondering why the mother would have someone watching her children that she doesn't even speak to herself. Maybe she could find an alternative for the little boy, because it's not good for him to get used to the type of relationship that he has with his grandmother.

I've known this boy as a very sweet and well behaved boy. It's only a few months since the mother has started work and isn't around when the kids are. The mother-in-law doesn't tell the mother anything. So, the mother doesn't know that it is a regular thing (she does know that he has started changing...we had a talk about that). One of the mother's main concerns is that the grandmother does not discipline the child when it is needed. She turns a blind eye and doesn't correct him even when it is directed to her...and to make the matters worse, she doesn't tell my friend either. If I was in her place, I'd want to know if my son did anything like this in my absence.

The mother cannot correct what she doesn't know. I know she will definitely correct him once she knows the situation. I don't think the mother is a very religious person...but I'm sure she'll know how to correct her child better than anyone else.

Well my dear as I could see it is the mother in law who has to be blamed. The very reason why the boy has changed from a sweet one to rude is that the mother in law neglects her duty to train him the right way. That is why she is the first victim of the misbehavior of the child. But her mother could still do something. It is still not yet late though. Proverbs 22:15 says "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child but a rod of correction shall drive it away from him. And if the mother has to use the rod sos be it. I admire your concern over the child and I could sense the goodness of your heart and concern with your neighbor. You can go and follow up with her mother and advise her that She has to dicipline her child herself. If the mother in law would not do then she should do something to instill in the mind of her child what is right and what is wrong. Even if she is working she can always do it. Once she is at home she should teach her child. In Prov. 22:6 - it states, Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he shall not depart from it." The child needs to be trained, he will not know what is right and what is wrong if nobody would tell him. Advise the mother to first lead his boy to Jesus, read biblical verses about how a child should behave. Let her son memorize by heart Ephesians 6:1 "Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right." Kindly advise her also to devote time in praying for her child, that is very necessary. And one thing more the mother should pray with the child before he goes to sleep. I sincerely believe that with God's intervention the child will amend his ways. God bless!