Deciding On Marriage...
By twoey68
@twoey68 (13627)
United States
May 20, 2008 10:42am CST
I have a family member that is thinking about getting married. While I’m happy that he is open to that option…I’m not sure that I could be as open to it considering who the spouse-to-be is. This family member has been dating a girl for almost 5 years, he made an agreement at the beginning of the relationship that he’d make a definite commitment after 5 years or they’d go their own ways. Now, I’m a firm believer in each person has to decide their own paths and whether I agree with it or not he will do what he feels is right. But I’ve been wondering whether I could commit to someone who has the problems she has.
She is has certain mental problems. She flies into rages at the drop of a hat, she can rarely be left on her own, most of the time she seems to function at about a 10 year old mentality and it’s often like dealing with a big kid. I doubt there will ever be children b/c I don’t think she could handle the responsibility and with all the medications she’s been on (at one time Lithium I believe) I don’t think she could carry a pregnancy to term without medical complications for her and/or the baby. She also has seizures. I’m not saying she’s all bad…she has her times when she can be sweet and nice but it’s like flipping a coin as to which side she’ll be on.
I’m not sure that if I were in his shoes that I’d be willing to take on so much responsibility. Not to mention giving up the prospect of ever having kids. If it was milder or more manageable maybe…but as it is dealing with her is a full time job. Sometimes I wonder if he isn’t considering it just to be sure there’s someone to care for her.
Could you marry someone that has severe mental problems? Would you marry someone knowing that you would have to give up things that you really want, such as children? Would you feel obligated to stay with and/or marry someone just to make sure they have someone to take care of them?
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
11 people like this
30 responses
@blackbriar (9076)
• United States
21 May 08
With all that you said about her, makes me wonder if she's on the right meds. for her problems. Not all meds. work with all people. Could be just a simple change in medication could help her immensely. My hubby married me and I've always had mental problems but didn't know it till a few years ago. The one problem I knew I had was my anger and it almost cost me my life as well as my hubby. Thankfully, I came to realize I needed help and right away. I checked into anger management classes which did me a world of good. Now I'm finally straighten out after all these years of mood swings and major anger problems.
1 person likes this
@jannijanni (866)
•
21 May 08
that kind of person is scary...actually i don't think that she's suited for marriage but there is a saying that to each his own so i guess it's actually up to your relative is he's really willing to deal with her for a span of REALLY long time.
@J_Dawgs (217)
• United States
24 May 08
OK i have gone through and read a lot of these but i have to stop at this one. To say someone is not 'suited' for marriage? What the heck kind of comment is that? Who is anyone (not just you) to determine what kind of person is 'suited' for marriage? To the best of my knowledge at the moment as long as its a man and a woman ANY person is suited for marriage (being the right age).
Sorry to vent here but this just kind of hit a button. I have calmly read most of these comments and was going on ok with most of them but this one hit me WAY wrong. My two cents...and then some...
~*~J_Dawgs~*~
@jannijanni (866)
•
25 May 08
i'm sorry if you were offended but you have to take into consideration that these are my opinions...
i feel this way that's why i typed it here. i'm not changing it because you reacted. like what i said, to each his own.
again i'm sorry.
@lovespecialangel (3632)
• United States
24 May 08
If I loved someone I would marry them no matter what. When you love someone enough to marry them, it's unconditional. He's been with this girl for five years, so I'm sure he knows what he is doing. But no, I wouldn't marry someone just to make sure they had someone to take care of them.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
24 May 08
Marriage isn't for me. I would have to have " severe mental problems" to even consider it.I couldn't give up what I really wanted to get married to a regular person yet alone a guy with mental problems.I couldn't handle it.
@newzealtralian (3930)
• Australia
22 Jun 08
My current partner and I were talking about marriage from the start. Haven't managed it yet, and believe that it is just a 'formality' and not really important, but we want to get married so that our children can be a part of our celebration of love and have a record of it.
My partner suffers from depression from time to time, and I have bi-polar, but we get on really well and most of the time, are a fully functioning family and very happy.
I have my down times, and he sometimes seems low, but we can usually pick each other up and talk things through.
I would never marry or commit to a person out of obligation. Being genuine about your feelings etc is more important, and you do have to be true to yourself before you can be true to anyone else.
@Adelida2233 (1005)
• United States
24 May 08
I think the other posters are correct in the fact that it is much easier to judge someone from the outside looking in. You don't see them when they are together alone. Everyone has their own reasons for marrying someone. After 5 years, he clearly knows what he is getting into, and if he is wanting to get married after that long of a time period, then so be it.
As for your questions at the bottom, No, I would not marry someone who doesn't share my opinions on having children. While I respect other people who choose not to have children, I know I want to have them, and I don't feel my life would be complete without them, even if I end up having to adopt. I don't think you should give up your beliefs for anyone, the goal is to find someone who compliments them, not to make you give up something you believe.
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
21 May 08
I understand where you're coming from, not being the one who's in love with this woman but if it were you, and not your family member involved with this woman, you'd probably do what he's about to do, which is marry the person you love! My cousin married his wife, knowing that her uterus is uspide down and that she may never be able to have his children, even though he'd give anything to have children one day...but when you love someone, you love them no matter what.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
21 May 08
I just dont think I could but he has been doing it for 5 years so he knows what to exspect . But really if he wants kids It sounds to me like he ought to cut this girl loose put her where she can get help she nedes That might be cold but this is how I see it
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
21 May 08
Maybe she needs to go to a doctor and get a medication to help with this problem. It sounds like she may be Bi-polar. The things you are says are symptoms of this. Medicine will help.
By all means, she needs to see a doctor and get help. If this is the case. Or maybe she just has a bad case of nerves. Either way, she needs help.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
21 May 08
It sounds like he is stepping into a large responsibility..Surely he knows all about her,and after knowing all of this ,he must really love her to take that final step...If he after thinking it out still wants to marry her,all i can say is good luck and GOD Bless, he will need it...and No i wouldn't ....
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
21 May 08
She sounds manic-depressive twoey. And quite honestly, I couldn't see myself following through on a promise made so long ago if five years later things were worse. This type of behaviour if not properly medicated or cared for by professionals is soul destroying for everyone who comes into contact with it. I stayed married for a long time to my soon to be ex because of his severe diabetes. But he's an adult. If he chooses to ignore his medical problem, then I'm sorry, but I'm not sacrificing the rest of my life for a fool. So we are divorcing, but not because of that - it's because he's a control freak and has turned my life into a nightmare of isolation. Good luck to your family member twoey. I hope the right decision is made for everyone involved.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
21 May 08
Oh wow. I can see where you are coming from in being a good sister and having concern for your brother and the relationship he is about to venture into. Have you considered talking to him about researching online how to deal with this woman so that maybe her changes of moods will start to even out. People in a mental situation such as this sometimes only need someone there with them that will talk to them. I am in no way taking up for this woman as I believe that even people with mental disorders can concur the fear and depression, as well as severe mood swings that comes with it.
Does she go to therapy and does she have someone to talk to? Does he have someone that he can talk to about helping her deal with her depressions?
I hope that whatever happens between the two things will even out and I also hope that this does not cause complications in your own family.
Now for the questions, Yes I would marry someone with a mental disorder and I would be with them and help them in any way I know how. I would not feel obligated to stay with them so that they have someone who will make sure they are taking their medicines or getting the help they need, but I will most likely do it anyway. Mental disorders are not fun.
@salonga (27775)
• Philippines
21 May 08
No I will not do that. I will not sacrifice my chance of getting beautiful children who emotionally stable. Of course, if I were a man, I would like my children to have a mother who could fully and responsibly take care of them. I want my children to be proud of their mother just as how they are proud of their father. So, If I were a man, I will choose carefully my wife to be because large part of the mother's characterics are passed on the children. And of course, I do not dream to spend the rest of my life worrying over my wife, (her mental condition), that would be too miserable a life!
@flowerchilde (12529)
• United States
20 May 08
I'm afraid I'm likely a bit too self centered for that.. wonder if he realizes all he'll be getting into..
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
20 May 08
No Twoey, I am not made of that kind of fiber. What exactly is your family member saying of his up coming marriage? We can not judge who a person loves. is he marring from a sense of obligation? There are many questions to ask here, but the person to answer them is the person who is marring this woman.
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
21 May 08
I would never marry someone just to make someone else happy. It is not worht it. I have been married for 13 years now and been with my husband for a total of 16 years now. i have learned alot about men by being married and being with one for all of these years. There are alot of good and bad in all relationships. I would not force myself into another marriage just to make another man happy or anyone else just to take care of them.
@kingcrapper (1536)
• United States
20 May 08
Wow! Marriage is a huge step and, unlike Hollywood stars, should be taken very very seriously. I married a person with mental problems but it was only during the divorce did I find I found out she was completly nuts!
Seriously, this situation is very tough to look at! A person who can't be left alone and all that! Wow! That would be just too much for me to personally handle. With all the women in the world I would tell this person to continue looking! Dealing with rage and mental instability is one thing...getting married to me is a idiotic move! Hmm. What if there are children involved! Yikes!
@LadyDulce (830)
• United States
20 May 08
It depends on the situation. It's amazing what you'll sacrifice for someone you love. I've always wanted a house full of kids, but when I married my husband, I knew the chances of that happening were slim to none. He's 26 years my senior and fixed, so kids are likely out of the question. I also know that because I chose to become a mother and marry so young, there are a lot of typical teen/young adult experiences I'm not going to have. I also know that once my husband gets up in age, I'll be his primary caretaker, well before my own retirement age, as my son is becoming grown and independent. But that's something I don't mind doing at all, simply because I love my family. It's probably the same thing with him. If he's happy, be happy for him.
Blessed Be
@hcpoirot (1562)
• Indonesia
20 May 08
I also cannot do that. I believe that marriage is for equal partner. So I wanted someone to share all my troubles, happines and sadness. a person who I can share all my difficulties when time come. Or the joy and succes I had. And it will not happen if i marry a person with mental health.
but its me. Maybe your family member feel different.
