My boyfriend's gone missing!
By ShardAerliss
@ShardAerliss (1488)
May 25, 2008 9:46am CST
lol
No, he's just wondered off somewhere without telling me and I was too engrossed in writing to hear the door go.
As a couple we are very independent. We have our own jobs, we split bills straight down the middle, we borrow money from each other and pay it back (if we can afford it, it's not a rigid thing), we spend many hours apart, have different though intertwined friendship groups (tiny town!). If we could afford it we'd have a place with separate bedrooms. Though we'd sleep in the biggest one... maybe 'studies' would be a better word. I'm currently sitting in the bedroom while he had been in the living room.
So losing him isn't an uncommon event! And sometimes he loses me... it doesn't help that he refuses to carry a phone with him; even if I wanted to find him, I couldn't.
I know this is not the way many people live while in a relationship, and in fact we're quite unusual. So I ask; how intertwined are your lives? Do you ALWAYS know where your partner is? When they fly under your radar do you start to worry? If they're out late at night do you start calling round friends' places?
Or maybe you're the one that does the wondering...
7 people like this
14 responses
@wooitsmolly (3613)
• United States
25 May 08
I always know where my boyfriend is. I know when he is working, when he has class, and when he is with his friends or playing a show. I like to know what he is doing, because I am a worrier. My imagination runs away with me if he says he will be somewhere and hours go by and I haven't heard from him. I think he got in an accident or something...
Anyway, we share an apartment, but having only one bedroom is too stressful (I like my own space) so we are moving out at the end of the month.. I'm already almost totally moved though and YAY it's so nice to have a big room for myself!! I think being apart like this (across town lol) will be a lot better than being crammed together in a tiny apartment.
But anyway, no I never leave without telling him I am going out, and vice versa. I am almost always home lately, though, too, so it would be weird to me if he just walked out in front of me and didn't say anything lol. When I am in school, it's a little different as I am on campus all day and he is doing his own thing.
@wooitsmolly (3613)
• United States
25 May 08
Oh yeah, and we split everything... bills and food. I am not good at sharing so I don't like when people use my stuff or eat my food, even if it is my boyfriend 
2 people like this
@wooitsmolly (3613)
• United States
25 May 08
Yeah, my boyfriend is a vegetarian and I am vegan, which doesn't seem that different, but are diets are worlds apart. He eats a lot of processed crap and I cook everything from scratch... he is never really interested in what I eat anyway.
LOL at where you found him... haha.
2 people like this
@Pirate_Arg (472)
• South Africa
25 May 08
I think that you are doing things the right way. Just because two people are in a relationship, it does not mean that they are now one person. Each person should still be able to function independantly and do their own thing. That why they are referred to as your partner and not your keeper. Then when it gets to the point in the day where you need some companionship, there is still someone there for you but if you don't need them at that point it is also fine.
I see the whole watching over everything your partner does thing as a signal of a lack of trust.
Have I interpreted it right?
2 people like this
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
25 May 08
Well, you've got me and mine down to a T.
I've always been a loner, I like my own space and being alone with my own thoughts. On top of that, my parents gave me a massive amount of freedom and personal space (and I only had to share a room with siblings until I was 6). They were really laid back about 'laying down the law.' That and living with a single working father from the age of 14 gives one a real sense of independence. It also made rebellion nigh on impossible, so I never did.
I think I'd get very claustrophobic with someone insecure, that couldn't trust me.
What about you? Unless you don't want to comment... or haven't entered such a period in a relationship yet. If the latter, I assume you hope to have a high level of independence when you do?
I'm just full of questions and random chatter!
1 person likes this
@Pirate_Arg (472)
• South Africa
25 May 08
My parents have also given me quite a bit of independence. And if I have the independence, I don't have much reason to rebel. Even in school, some people work hard to please their parents with good marks but I work hard because I know that I can (and I find it incredibly annoying to be stuck in mediocrity if I know I can be great).
Having grown up with such independence, I don't think that I could live with someone constantly looking over my shoulder. I haven't gotten to the point of moving in with anyone (I'm still in high school at the moment, it's my last year) but I have been with my current girlfriend for about 9 months and we give each other plenty of space. It's not that we aren't close, it's just that we trust each other enough to not need to be together every second.
2 people like this
@snowy22315 (180798)
• United States
25 May 08
No, actually my hubby and i live sepreratley half the time.
I don't really like it all that much. Although when I want to be alone it's cool. So, I can very much relate to your situation.
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
26 May 08
Separately as in, in different buildings? Or just not getting to see much of each other.
It's difficult to get the balance right sometimes...
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
25 May 08
my husband and i were a lot like that when we were dating...there would go days or even weeks we didn't see or talk to each other, lol.
These days though mostly we just spend our time together since he is usually working and we always know where the other one is at.
2 people like this
@sophiasmom911 (1345)
• United States
25 May 08
Hey whatever works for you guys! I personally wish in my realationship that I had a little more freedom. I have a insecure partner. Whats great about your realationship is neither of you are insecure and you let each other be happy doing you own things. I think in a realationship that is healthy. Because ya cant be stuck up each others butt all the time!
2 people like this
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
25 May 08
Sorry to hear you don't get as much freedom as you'd like, but at least you're sticking at it. I couldn't live like that; it'd drive me spare.
1 person likes this
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
26 May 08
Oh definitely. There are some people who need space and some people who crave each other's company all the time.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
26 May 08
well, me and my hubby is totally opposite from you and your bf... we always know where eact other is and we always call and let each other know if we are going to go out from the house... for me, it is called respecting each other... and also to prevent unnecessary worried by the other party... take care and have a nice day...
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
26 May 08
for me, it is called respecting each other...
Okay, that sounded a little snarky *shrug* Probably wasn't meant that way, but it's how it sounded.
If that's how you show respect, that's great. Some people just like to know where the other is. We respect each other by letting the other have their own space. It's the way we like to live. We don't worry after each other as we don;t think worry will do anything.
@chiyosan (30184)
• Philippines
26 May 08
i always make it a point to give him the space he needs, ithink it is just him that he tries to let me know everything he does and i think that is what we usually talk about, how his day is, what is will he be doing on some days, etc. but if he has gone missing like for a night of not letting me know his whereabouts, i would just send him a message to get back to me when he's got the chance... basically everything's fine that way. i wouldn't want him to know all the details i do. that's not really nice...
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
26 May 08
Likes to talk about himself a lot, huh?
lol, the last time mine went missing for a night he'd got lost in on of the local woods (more like a small copice) taking a 'short cut' home from the pub! Got in at 6am. Idiot... lots of TLC the next day... and laughing. A lot of laughing.
i wouldn't want him to know all the details i do. that's not really nice...
Sounds... sordid. lol
No, I know what you mean; some things are yours and you want it to stay that way.
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
26 May 08
Yup, that's how I think.
And as they say; absence makes the heart grow fonder.
It just makes seeing each other again something a bit more special, with lots of hugs.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
26 May 08
Your relationship is exactly what I have always been looking for in one. It sounds wonderful...perfect actually. The problem is in finding someone with that same set of values. You are right, it is rare. I've been single for a long time now but dated and I have yet to find anyone who doesn't want to move in and tangle up everything. I'm actually at the point where I would not ever live with a man again. Cherish that man of yours....he sounds wonderful and it sounds like you are wonderful together!
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
26 May 08
Aw, believe me I cherish him. He's mine and you can't have him! lol
It's really odd; we started going out after only knowing each other for two weeks, after only meeting a few times... that was almost six years ago. I wasn't even looking for a guy (had never really been interested, lol). Goodness knows how we'd be if we split up; he's actually my first real partner... and I'm 25.
I hope you do at least find a guy you can be with (if you still want one), even if he has to live next door. 
@xXxMikesWifeyxXx (3072)
• United States
26 May 08
Hi there,
well when its just a boyfriend its diffrent, then your husband.
IN the boyfriend girlfriend stage i could see myself as you and your boyfriend are. but if i was married. i definstly couldnt be like that. of course we can do things sepratly. but knowing were each other are, sleeping in the same rom. letting me know before he leaves that hes leaving, you know stuff like that. i would expect thoes things in a marriege. but the boyfriend/;boyfriend stage yall are still single people,not one. your 2 if that makes any sense...
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
26 May 08
What changes after a marriage ceremony? Sorry, but you're speaking to someone who has a very cynical view of state registered marriage.
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
26 May 08
We lead joined but disconnected lives if that makes any sense. We both believe in giving each other space. I have my hobbies, including myLot, and my wife has hers. I have my friends, she hers and we have joint ones too. Most day to day living is shared and we certainly sleep in the same bed but neither of us would thank the other for living in our pockets. We do tell each other if we are going to be out for any length of time especially at night. I am invariably her taxi service anyway. I would not wish her to be out late at night without knowing vaguely where she is. I would definitely worry if she didn't come home at night. Our arrangement has worked for us for over 21 years so I guess that we are suited. Must be love.
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
26 May 08
21 years and by sounds of it, still going strong. Must be love! Sounds pretty close to what we have going.
I think one of the differences between us and a lot of other people here is that we live in a very small town; there are a limited places to which we could have wondered off to. The local, a few friend's houses... I'm usually just in the flat below (and they're going to be moving in with us soon), by he river if it's sunny, doing a bit of shopping (no more than ten feet away) or in the student bar if it's before 9pm (I'm not a student). Because of this, not knowing exactly where the other is is not a big deal... we can't have gone far.
Maybe that'll change when we move... I dunno.
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
26 May 08
We are in a small city (Salisbury) so I guess that it's not so big that we can get lost easily anyway. That said, we manage to do it in Tescos and Waitrose with nauseous regularity. LOL. If you move you'll just have to put tracking devices on each other!! I suppose that is why people have mobile phones. We don't though. We do have them, but they never get topped up and our contract one is with our daughter at her university. Or was until she lost it at their Summer Ball. Long story involving drunken first year students and taxis.
@frankiecesca (2489)
•
25 May 08
What a good discussion!
I am now married but, before and now, we always know where the other is. I cannot imagine having seperate bedrooms. Sometimes we are in different rooms if I need to get work done then it's better for me to be on my own but my husband would never just leave the house without saying 'bye' even if he was only nipping to the shops he's say 'back in a bit' or 'just nipping to the shop'
However it's whatever works best for you!
1 person likes this
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
26 May 08
Hehe, thanks.
Usually we manage to yell to each that we're off, but we live next door to the shop! It's usually more that one of us is out, then the other leaves... the number of times friends ask me where he is and I just have to reply "Pft, I dunno."
I cannot imagine having seperate bedrooms.
Oh, we sleep in the same one. It's just that we like to have a room that is just ours, with only our own stuff in it. I guess it comes from living for closing on a decade (for him anyway) in shared accommodation. When we had to share one bedroom for a summer I spent most of my day in the dining room with my laptop!
@frankiecesca (2489)
•
26 May 08
I can imagine! I mean we have 1 spare room in our flat but as I work from home this has become 'my room' but if I'm in there sometimes on my laptop I prefer to then move into the living room as I juts like being near him so then we can shat and stuff. x
@Adelida2233 (1005)
• United States
26 May 08
I think it is also good to have things that you do separately. My boyfriend and I live together, and we only have 1 car between us at the moment(one is being fixed), so one of us up and disappearing would be cause for concern now, but any other night, not really.
We both have cell phones, so it's a little different, but I usually have a general idea of where he is or when he will be home.
1 person likes this
@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
26 May 08
We live in the centre of town (if this three road settlement can be called a town), and I can't drive anyway. So the car isn't an issue for us.
Hope your car is okay! Our car is currently being taken to the scrap yard 
but I usually have a general idea of where he is or when he will be home.
Hah, I'm almost as bad as him sometimes.
but I usually have a general idea of where he is or when he will be home.
Hah, I'm almost as bad as him sometimes.@ShardAerliss (1488)
•
26 May 08
Eugh... this place really needs an edit button...
I was also going to say; I think it's very important for couples to have time apart, especially socialising. Though it's not something for everyone, I know.
