have you lost a brother or sister to suicide?

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my sister took her own life, i dont know how it makes me feel, angry, sad, lost, i always ask....why would she do that, things always get better, is she ok now? did she really mean to do it or was it a mistake. i am an only child now, my children never got to meet her, that makes me sad. also when my friends are with there siblings i cant help but feel like im missing out. i wish she was here.