Would you be upset with your mate?
By celia4evr
@celia4evr (209)
United States
May 31, 2008 1:11am CST
I have been in a relationship for 5 years with this guy, and I really love him. But I have a hard time distinguishing between who is at fault in the relationship. Is it okay for a guy to spend all of his time out with his buddies and never with you. Every weekend I wait for him to ask me out to the movies or out to dinner and it never happens. He claims he is always tired from working so much when it comes to me. But he makes enough time to hang out with his friends every weekend. He never introduces me to any of his friends either. So that sort of has me concerned a little. What do you feel is going on here?
8 people like this
19 responses
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
31 May 08
If he really loves you, he'd stop spending so much time with his friends and actually take the time to spend time with you. I'd really demand to know why he won't ask you to do something during the weekends but he can find all the time in the world to spend time with his friends. If he didn't make an effort to spend time with you than I'd say it's time to move on and find someone else that cares enough to spend time with you.
2 people like this
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
31 May 08
I'm glad you made that statement highflyingxangel! It really justifies my ideas on leaving the relationship. He makes me feel like i'm crazy for feeling that way. Some men just don't appreciate a good woman until she is gone! Thank You!
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
31 May 08
My Ex boyfriend never let me meet his parents. I only say this because he also never let me meet his friends. He always took me out places and was always making time for me but I came to find out that I wasn't considered his girlfriend. Atleast not to me. I found this out on myspace, as he never did change his status to "in a relationship."
Well, I'm sorry that your boyfriend isn't making time for you and I hope that you can talk to him and resolve this issue. Let him know that it is bothersome to you that he never makes time for you. Does he live with you? If you guys live together he may feel that he spends enough time with you at home.
A girl does need her day out once in a while. Let him know this.
Good luck!
1 person likes this
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
1 Jun 08
I appreciate you taking the time to offer your advice SomeCowgirl. I didn't really think about the aspect of living with someone. I just don't feel we see each at all enough to get tired. I don't know!
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
1 Jun 08
Well I do hope that this can be resolved for you as wondering what is going through his head isn't helping. Good luck with trying to talk to him if you do decide this, and I hope everything goes well in the discussion!
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
31 May 08
i definitely will if he shows that kind of attitudes to me... it just shows that he does not care about me and care more about his friends... he enjoys more to be with his friends than me... i will be hurt by him and will definitely have a serious talk with him and ask him the reason why... take care and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
1 Jun 08
I just don't get men sometimes not to be offensive or anything. It just seems to me like they become more obsessed with their relationships between the guys. So to me it appears a little on the gay side. I don't know, but as the saying goes.. You never miss something until it's gone!
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
31 May 08
I am going to be honest here
I was married to someone like him for 21 Years, I also suffered Physical Abuse at the beginning and then it went to mental Abuse he would always have time for his Friends but not for me and the 2 Children, his Idea of taking us out for the Day was to the Pub all Day, I stopped that because I did not want my Children growing up in the Pub so he went on his own and when he was drunk and ready to come home he would call me to pick him up, even if the Kids where in Bed
I think it is time you had a word with him and gave him an Ultimatum, do not wait as long as I did
My Case was I am scared to confront People, but something happened with me and I knew if I did not get out, my Life would be over before I even had a Life
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
1 Jun 08
I've always wondered if situations start off somewhat like this. Then maybe they escalade into abuse or neglect to some extent. I appreciate that gabs8513. It is always good to here from someone who has experienced things in life.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
31 May 08
In brief, I agree with you that he must spend some quality time with you. But I am bit surprised to know that your relations have been going on for the past five years and you are hanging on. Was he like this since beginning or has he changed recently? If he was like this since beginning, then you need not worry, because that may be his way of life to spend some time with his friends and to keep in touch with you too. But if he has changed his attitude lately, then you need to ask him and probe him for his actual motive behind change in his behaviour. Also, remember that no one is perfect, everyone has some positive points and negative points, as well. So if you really love him, you need to accept him with his plus and minus points. Best wishes for your everlasting and happy relationship!
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
31 May 08
Thank you for taking the time out to shed some light on this situation. Some part of him has always been that way. But now it is getting to the point to where we hardly ever see one another. The sad part is that he seems to be okay with it. I understand everyone has there faults, but there are so many other things that make this situation worse. I guess being able to see that others can tell there is a problem helps me to realize i'm not pretending.
2 people like this
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
31 May 08
You can talk to him about your apprehension openly, I mean you should confront him on his changed attitude towards you and express your unhappiness to him. If he is not willing to change or cooperate then you can tell him - "look, if you are not going to change......I will have to think seriously about keep going this relationship".
Best of luck to you!
1 person likes this
@Bananaman (74)
•
31 May 08
Tell him straight to make a bit more time for you because you love him and if he loves you he'll make more. If he doesn't, he obviously doesn't love you as much as you love him and you're better off without him.
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
1 Jun 08
I'm being patient to see if anything i've told him sparks any changes in his behavior. If adjustments aren't made (permanently) within the next week, he won't have to worry about me anymore. Thanks alot bananaman I appreciate the concern!
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
31 May 08
I'd be worried too if I were you.
I understand a guy being tired....and I understand a guy wanting to spend time with his friends....but what I don't understand is how a guy who is too tired to take his girl out has the energy to spend time with his friends.
The guy's excuse is that being with his friends relaxes him. And not being introduced to his friends after 5 years of being in a relationship is something to be concerned about. One reason could be that his buddies are crude and he probably don't want you to know that he associates with such people.....or could it be that he doesn't want THEM to know that he's in a serious relationship? Guys usually swear and talk about other women (in a way that women don't like) when they are with their buddies....maybe he doesn't want you to be a part of that and know that it will upset you.
I'm just trying to guess what the reasons could be so that you can look at that angle.
1 person likes this
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
1 Jun 08
I realize guys have there ways of doing things as well. But I can see the fine line between normal and suspicious. Especially after being with them for 5 years. You know what is out of character for that person. I guess i'm just getting tired of trying to make it work. Maybe it's best to back off!
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
7 Jun 08
Sounds like he takes you for granted. Can you talk to him? I think you need to sit down with him and tell him of your feelings. Being in a relationship is a partnership, whereby a couple shares all aspects of their life. I don't think people need to be in each other's pockets but a partner should come before friends.....most of the time at least. Do you sit at home while he goes out? Does he expect you to be there? Does he encourage you to do your own thing with your own friends? If the answer to these questions is "yes" then I think he is maybe not as committed to the relationship as you are. You deserve to be happy and carefree. Look inside yourself for the answers you seek. Blessed be sweet lady.
@chrysz (1602)
• Philippines
31 May 08
I would be upset because first, you've been together for 5 years but you are not yet introduced to his friends. Why on earth has he had not introduced you to them? Afraid that they might take you away from him or he's not proud of you or afraid that his friends might tell you about his wrongdoings? Secondly, you are no longer included in his priorities given the fact that he could spend time with his friends but not with you.
You can talk to him about this and be honest with your feelings. If you think, you are no longer loved and cared for, then find other ways to get his attention or just give him up and find someone who would make you the center of their life and love.
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
1 Jun 08
That makes alot of since chrysz thank you for taking the time to help me. He gets really upset if I suggest (me)spending time with someone else. I understand now that i'm no longer his priority. So hopefully within the next few days I will have a decision.
@anawar (2404)
• United States
1 Jun 08
It sounded from your last comment that you have decided to leave this man.
Guys who act like idiots like to control us by making it seem that the problem lies within us and has nothing to do with him. They get away with so much using these scare tactics.
The thing is, once you walk away, you find you didn't lose anything at all by leaving.
Some men don't appreciate a good woman, even when he watches her walking out the front door.
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
1 Jun 08
I've pretty much decided that its not worth struggling for. If a guy doesn't want to appreciate me for who I am. Then I guess it just wasn't meant to be. There is only so much you can accept during the course of a relationship before you give up. Oh yeah his tactic is to make me feel like he is better than any other guy I would ever meet.
@jesbellaine (4139)
• Philippines
31 May 08
If you are to ask me, I'd say that is not right... My boyfriend always find time to be with me no matter how busy he is in his work and family as well; He would really love to ask me out especially when it is my restday... and his friends knows me as well as his family.
I'd say you talk to him about your feelings towards his attitude... maybe there is something wrong with your relationship with your boyfriend that is why that is happening... It would be better if you straighten things out with him.
Every woman deserves a guy who really loves them. You deserve a good man.
Goodluck!
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
1 Jun 08
Thank you so much for reminding me that every woman deserves a guy who really loves them. I'm just not sure if I feel like looking for him. If things don't work out I will definitely be staying away from relationships for a long time.
@ayessa (1583)
• Philippines
31 May 08
I was thinking how grateful your partner just to have you. Imagine you have stayed in a relationship were you are not his priority! My gosh I can't stay in that kind of relationship even for just a few weeks.
You know I smell something fishy in your situation. I don't to intrude but it seems your partner has another work doing out there. You are not introduce to any of his friends so how sure are you that your partner is with his friends when he's not with you? opps I don't want to insinuate anything but that thing just come up in my mind.
Another thing, I think he does not love nor care about you. Sorry for that but if that person has something for you will not neglect you to spend time with him.
Better talk to your partner and say to him all your concern to clear everything. Investigate also.
Goodluck!
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
1 Jun 08
I find myself noticing the same problems with others relationships. But I guess it is a bit of denial in reality. However I can now acknowledge there is a problem with us. So hopefully we can resolve this somehow!
@thebeaddoodler (4262)
• Lubbock, Texas
31 May 08
This doesn't sound like a relationship! This sounds like a man using a woman when he wants to and expecting her to sit on the sidelines until he wants to come see her or take her out, and a woman doing exactly what the man expects. Honey, that's NOT a relationship. RUN!
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
1 Jun 08
It all goes back to what some men think a woman should be in my mind. I totally agree with you thebeaddoodler, and thank you for bringing that up. He wants to have the benefits of being in a relationship, and the feedom of being single. You can't have it all in life. I just hope he realizes it soon enough.
1 person likes this
@jczvrse (169)
• United States
31 May 08
Thats hard because when it comes to these scenerios im harsh I see things for what may not be...I would percieve your mate to be one that really doesn't care for you if he did he would be spending more time with you then his buddies I may be wrong but thats how I see it. The reaso I say this is because I see my son doing this to his mate he is always gone with friends never really takes her anywhere, he tells us he doesn't love her and wants out of the relationship but can't get out right now due to some circumstances which I totally understand, I see he has no love for her and that is why I say that about your mate. Like I said I may be wrong maybe he does love you, talk to him about it find out why he doesnt spend time with you .
@celia4evr (209)
• United States
1 Jun 08
I guess you can love someone, but that can change into a different type of love through the years. I've made it clear to him that if his heart is somewhere else then follow it. It honestly wouldn't hurt me anymore. I feel like the games are more of a problem. I have too many other things to worry about in life. I guess even though i'm young I would just prefer to be married. Dating isn't my thing at all!
@idowrite72 (2213)
• United States
1 Jun 08
I would be very upset and find things to do that I wanted to do and see how he liked not doing things with me. I would wonder what was going if he didn't want to do things with me and didn't want to introduce me to his friends. I would wonder if he was embarrassed to have his friends know who I was. Better yet I think I would confront him and find out what was happening. I would get it directly from his mouth so you know what is going on first hand.
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
1 Jun 08
Hi celia4evr, It doesn't seem fair that he never takes you out, but finds time for his buddies. Have you discussed it with him? I don't mean make big scene, that would probably only backfire, but talk about it rationally. Even couples that live together, or are married should go on a 'date' sometimes. It is good for the relationship. Blessings.
@bubblz (15)
• United States
3 Jun 08
well.... me & my B.F. always argue over things like that and he always tells me that maybe i wouldnt notice if i tried to go withmy friends but my friends hang out with their own b.f.'s and im da only one that is always wiating 4 him 2 call me on da wknds. but wuteva!!!!! I.D.K most o his friends but da 1's i do know were kool and at times i know that he prefers 2 go clubbin' instead of hanging out with me but thats his choice.
1 day i decided 2 go out w/ 1 of my guy friends and he went all phsyco on me, then i told him hey u wanted me 2 go out and when i finally do u get mad man 4 get u!!!!!!!
but i still love him...!!!!!